My bum's still sore as I perch on the edge of the stool in Camilla's boathouse, my iPhone pressed to my ear.
"It was so kind of you to invite us over," I hear Fiona imitating Camilla's polished tones. It's kind of muffled, the way Camilla's hidden the phone at her end but I can just about make out what they're saying.
"Well it was the least I could do for a new member of The Ring," says Camilla.
"Your house is, like, so big!" chirrups Ashley, "It's like, a castle!"
"I'm glad you enjoyed the tour," Camilla implacably soothing Ashley's gauche enthusiasm. Sometimes I worry I'm falling in love with Camilla but I think we both like the cock too much for that. "Would you care for some iced tea?" Glasses clink over the phone speaker and then Ashley pipes up again.
"Mmmm...this is so sweet!" Yes, Ashley, that'll be the sugar syrup covering the taste of the vodka and the ground up Viagra pills. Not that I think Ashley's going to need much help coming over to the dark side, the way she was watching me getting spanked.
"So what were you ladies planning on doing this weekend?" I have to stifle a giggle: Camilla always talks like a vicar's wife sharing the time of day at a church fete; to hear her talk you'd never guess the kinky shit she's into.
"I'm going to take Ashley riding tomorrow," says Fiona. Oh, there'll be riding before tomorrow, I think. I've waited long enough, time to get this party started. I put Camilla's mobile on hold and, out of the dozen or so different phone lines Camilla's family have installed, find the direct line for the drawing room where Camilla's holding court today.
"Hello, Farquhar," answers Camilla.
"Camilla. It's Stephanie," I say.
"Stephanie, darling," coos Camilla. "Are you on your way? I am so looking forward to seeing you."
"There's been an awful fowl-up at my end. Horse fell, out riding and now I've got to take her to the vet. Hope you'll understand, my dear."
"Oh poor darling," purrs Camilla "That is such horrible news. I do hope she'll be alright."
"Nothing broken, I say, just a formality but you can't be too careful with an animal of her pedigree."
"Of course, of course...well you must let me know the instant you get the all clear."