This is the final chapter of the story. It has been done for several weeks but I have been trying to find an editor to go over it. After many attempts, I am just posting it. I've proofread it multiple times but I apologize if I have missed anything. I hope you enjoy it.
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It had been a while since Kara felt this way. Not that it was unusual for her to feel good. She got that feeling almost every time she was together with Christine. It was more than that. She felt good about herself and her life. Having been away from Christine for the weekend at her parents, she couldn't wait to see her.
Despite Christine being a wonderful thing in her life, much of the rest of it had been deteriorating. Her marriage was definitely part of that. After having been ignored and dismissed for so long, Kara found herself unwilling to give her husband a chance when he woke up and realized the state of the marriage. He tried to be attentive and bring a spark of romance back into their lives. But with each effort, Kara shut it down. He made reservations at a restaurant that had been one of their favorites when they were dating. He couldn't help notice that when he took her hand as they walked from the parking lot that her hand was limp and didn't grasp his in return. Throughout the dinner he found that his attempts to engage her in conversation foundered in the face of her one or two word answers.
Other attempts met similar results. He was trying but he could see that she wasn't. Finally he asked her about seeing a marriage counselor together. Kara looked at him with unreadable eyes but didn't say anything. As the silence dragged on, he asked again. "Honey, clearly we have some problems. I just think it might help if we had someone to talk to."
After a few more moments, Kara finally spoke. It rocked him to his core. "I'm not sure I want to do that. I've been thinking about seeing a therapist by myself though. I need help with some issues of my own before I can try to work on our issues." She paused for a second and then quietly added, "If I want to."
Kara's words scared the hell out of him. Despite his best efforts and as so often in the past, being scared resulted in him getting mad. He snapped, "What the hell does that mean? 'If I want to?'"
In the past, Kara might have backed down and retreated in the face of his anger. Tonight she stood her ground. In a cold voice she replied, "Don't make me spell it out for you. You wouldn't like what I would say." She glared back at him.
This time it was her husband who backed down. In the face of her glare, he looked like he was slowly deflating. Shaking his head, he turned and left the room. For a moment, Kara felt sorry for him. But only a moment.
In truth, she was seeing a therapist the next day for a first session. Kara had been feeling like she needed help for a while. Of course there was the marriage disaster and needing to figure out what to do about it. But more than that Kara was confused about what she wanted and who she was.
She knew that she loved Christine. Time with Christine was wonderful but did she want more than what she had now? Was she willing to be in an out relationship with her? And what did being in love with a woman mean? Was she a lesbian, bi? Even the question of whether she needed to figure out some sort of label confused her. The fact that she was married and having an affair just added to how muddled the whole thing seemed to her.
Just as she had kept it from her husband, Kara hadn't let Christine know that she was looking for a therapist. As supportive as Christine was, Kara felt like these were things that she needed to figure out for herself. Only then could she make decisions that involved other people.
Kara had looked hard for the right person to see. In addition to wanting to make sure that she could connect with the therapist, she was looking for a specialist. Kara wanted someone who was experienced in helping people through issues related to sexual orientation. It was one of the things with which she was struggling the most. She needed someone who was open and accepting, and wouldn't push any particular outcome. She had done a little research online and then interviewed by phone a few before settling on a woman who had been practicing for twenty years.
"Kara, if you are looking for someone to give you the answers, I'm not right for you," Dr. Welheim had said. "I can help figure out what the right questions are. And I can encourage you to answer them honestly. If I think you aren't being honest, I'll call you on it. But you have the answers, not me. You just haven't found them yet."
It struck a chord in Kara and she made an appointment on the spot even though there was still one more therapist on her list. She was nervous about it but still felt better that she was confronting the issues.
Even though knowing that Kara was seeing a therapist might have made Christine feel better, Kara kept it secret. In truth, the fight when Christine let slip her feelings had prompted it. The whole question was scary for Kara. It was the idea to see a therapist that helped her completely warm back up to Christine. It gave her a framework to deal with the situation that she lacked before. As much as she cared about Christine and would have liked to comfort her, if Christine knew it would have added a layer of pressure that she didn't need.