Sitting in my car down the block from your house, I watch your guests arrive. The house ablaze with light, music and other sounds of laughter and voices reaching me each time the door opens to them.
I try to calm myself but it is hopeless. The night so long dreamed and hoped for has finally arrived. My arrival a surprise for you. Heart pounding, unsure of your reaction and my ability to dampen and conceal my desire for you.
The party in full swing, I hesitate minutes longer. The outside coldness seeping into the car but unable to touch me. I'm shaking but not from the temperature.
Steeling myself. My inner voice repeating a mantra, "Just say hello. Act normal. Smile at everyone. No one will know. Maybe a touch will pass between us. Casual, as you greet all your friends. Don't stay long. Perhaps a whispered endearment. Then go." Easy, I can do this...
I open the car door. The handle suddenly foreign and I struggle a bit with it. Did I slam the door? The sound seemly sudden and loud. Sounds from the house muted, my footsteps crushing the gravel in the street then knocking on the pavement.
Closer now, the brightness from the windows lights upon me. Another door and there's no turning back now. Another guest has arrived and is following me up the walk. My pulse thundering in my ears, finger wavering but finally finding the bell. I glance back and give a quick pained smile to the man now behind me.
The door is thrown open and I'm met with a smile by another man. He looks at me, realizes we've never met before but welcomes me in along with Pete or Peter or Paul... Whatever his name is behind me. I'm inside somehow and he's talking my coat. I clasp the bottle tightly and keep it. I want to give it to you, no one else, so you know it came from me.
The men talking, I feel their eyes on me. He, and I know now he is Ralph, thought that I came with P-somebody. Before they can question me, I hear your voice and turn to face you.
"Hi Pete and who is...?"
Our eyes meet and I see the sudden avalanche of emotions in your eyes. A look of shock on your face, replaced at once with the most wonderful smile I have ever seen.
"Jenny? Jenny is it really you? I wasn't expecting you!"
I find my tongue glued to the roof of my mouth. I can't take my eyes off of yours. I want to take in all of you but your eyes hold mine and I'm frozen, mesmerized.
You take my hand, fingers tight and I squeeze. Unbelieving. Relieved, delirious that you are welcoming me and so delighted to see me. You're talking to the men but I don't hear the words, lost in looking at you.
I see your eyes dart down and your spell over me is broken for a moment. I lift up the bottle and present it to you. Your favorite winery, cabernet, 2003.
In a dream, you lean in close and kiss my cheek, thanking me. Your perfume sets my mind to spinning. My mantra long forgotten.
I fight my tongue free. Voice thick and husky, "Judy you're so beautiful. Happy birt...."
I don't finish the word. You pull me with you. My hand sweaty as you take me through the crowd. People turn as we pass, looks and inquiries ignored as we move through them. The faces a blur to me, one or two a catch for a second. Long enough for them to register. So many guests and yet we ignore them all. Or rather, you ignore them. I'm simply oblivious in your wake.
We reach stairs and up lead me up. At the top, you stop and we turn to look back. Some have taken little notice of us and our destination, others look and know. Its then that I take note of how my nervousness has changed. Transformed by your parading me among them.
