New Realisation Leads To New Path

A little warning. This is a long story. It is unedited, that means it will be full of mistakes. I apologise for the errors. If bad grammar is a thing for you. Hit back before going any further.

*****

Life, a journey

"I don't know Mel, why is it all my relationships end up in such a mess?"

She looked at me with her big green eyes, her voice a soft, soothing sigh. "I don't know Kasa, what happened this time?"

"We just seem to be in different places. Want different things. I want to travel, see the world. He wants children, wants me to give up my career, it's like what I want isn't important."

"You know you could do both, children, travel, career. Have the kids, buy the house, and then travel."

"Nah, I'm not ready, that's what makes it so difficult."

"Kasa, maybe it's not who you are. You've never managed a lasting relationship with one single guy. This has been your longest attachment. Maybe that's your problem."

"What... Men?" I sniggered.

"Yes men... Ever since college, you've struggled with boys. You've certainly had the pick of them. Shit, they literally throw themselves at you. At some point you have to say. They can't all be wrong."

"You're saying that it's me. I'm the problem?"

"Yeah, in a way. Have you ever considered, maybe the reason your relationships fail, is you never wanted to be in them in the first place?"

Somewhat perplexed, and wondering if she was serious. I said, "You think I sabotage my relationships, my own life?"

Subconsciously, I think you do." Her sharp glare deepened, and it was as clear as the nose on her face. She was really hesitant to say it. "Don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way. Have you considered the possibility you're gay?"

"Gay... What the fuck. I've never even kissed a girl. Why would you say that?"

"Kasa, if you think about it, men are your problem. You've never really been attracted to them. Be honest. All your life, you've had the hottest guys fighting just to get you to talk to them. You were never really interested. All you wanted was what they offered."

"You think I'm that shallow, that vain?"

"You wanted the truth, I'm being honest. I think you've never been comfortable in your skin."

"And what... That makes me gay?"

"No, yes, maybe. I don't know. All I know is what you're doing isn't working for you. Have you ever thought about other girls, women?"

"No."

"Does the idea revolt you?"

"You mean being with a woman?"

"Yes, sexually. Have you ever thought about it?"

Sucking in a deep breath, I sighed. "Yes, haven't we all?"

She giggled crudely. "I don't know about everybody, but I have."

"God, you dirty bitch." I gasped, slapping her shoulder playfully. "Have you done it, with a girl I mean?"

"No, but I have thought about it. I'm married now, and I don't think Roger, is into it. I did drop a few hints, but he either hasn't picked up on them, or he's not interested."

"Bloody hell. You little pervert."

"What about you, have you considered it?"

"Nah, not really. Maybe I should?"

"Yeah, possibly."

"It doesn't help me Mel. What am I going to do about Brent?"

"Dump him obviously. It's clear you're not interested. Why lead the poor clueless bastard on?"

"But, he's so nice?"

"Is he... When you think about your future, do you see him in it, a house full of kids?"

"God no. He's nice, but, he's not the one."

"Then put him out of his misery. Dump the poor sap."

We finished our wine, and I left for home. I needed to do some thinking. Mel was right in some ways. I had never been comfortable in my relationships. They always ended up in one catastrophe or another.

Maybe it was just my choice in men... I always went for the same sort of guy.

When I considered Mel's words, I started to pull apart what went wrong with them. With a bottle of wine, I reclined on the sofa. Sex... I didn't crave it, not like most of my girlfriends. My past lovers, partners had all been considerate lovers, and occasionally I did reach orgasm. It just never seemed to be the mountainous highs, I read about, saw depicted in movies. That's what I wanted.

My sex life, if critiqued by an analyst, would be described as nice, rather than sensational. My orgasms, were stronger when I masturbated. Yeah, my fingers knew my body better than they did. I hadn't been lying to Mel, I had considered it, what it would be like, what it would feel like? Gosh, most girls had at least thought about it... Hadn't they?

I assumed my attraction, my interest was just a natural part of growing up, that all people considered those things... Questioned their sexuality.

Brent, was nice, a little controlling perhaps. It was his desire for it to be about him that didn't anger, but unsettled me. I yearned for a more inclusive partnership where it was about us, not him.. Sex recently had become a mad rush to orgasm. He loved getting blow jobs, which was fine, I didn't mind, it was just that he never really put much effort into returning the favour.

Maybe it had always been that way, but I was noticing it more, or maybe, I was just being a bitch.

There had to be more to it... Something was lacking, or my heart wasn't in it. I feared it was the latter...

Mel, was right though, it was time for honesty. That was only fair, I dreaded it, the talk. Confrontation wasn't exactly a strong point with me. When Brent, phoned inviting me to dinner, I accepted, thinking it might be the perfect opportunity. At least in a restaurant, he wouldn't get angry and whiny.

We met at the bar. He had already procured my Martini. He leaned in for our usual kiss, "You look sensational tonight Kasa."

"Thanks, Sweetie. You look very nice yourself."

We sat talking work, and the usual stuff as we waited to be escorted to our table. The tension was unbearable, now that I'd made my mind up. I just wanted it to be over. God, it took forever, by my third Martini, I was at least feeling a little braver, but my heart rate was merciless. I could feel it pounding away furiously.

Finally, we were seated, and I could take a breath, and prepare myself...

"Kasa, thanks for coming along tonight." He said softly, if a little hesitantly. So unlike him, we had been dating exclusively for months, suddenly he was grateful that I attended?

"No worries, Sweetie. I..."

He cut me off before I could finish. "Kasa, I have been trying to build up the courage for this moment. You are a beautiful woman, and I do like you."

What, where the hell was this going... Oh shit, please don't let it be a proposal.... Nooooooo.

He reached across the table, lifting my trembling hand in his. "I do like you Kasa, but you must feel the same way I do. Things have been drifting lately. We seem to have lost our spark."

"What?" I spluttered into my now frothing Martini.

"You must feel it." He stared into my eyes, his hand squeezed mine. "You and I, it's not the same any more. I think we should take some time apart, regather our thoughts."

"You're dumping me?" I gasped in shock. "You, you're dumping me, like just throwing me away?" I could feel the tears beginning to swell.

"No my love, no. It's not you, it's me."

Oh my god, he actually said that... No, Jesus Christ. "You've met somebody haven't you?" I hissed nastily. The way his eyes dropped, and he could no longer hold my gaze, he had. The dirty bastard had been cheating on me.

"Who is it?" I snapped caustically, as I snatched my hand away.

"You don't know her, I met her through work. You'd like her, she's lovely."

The waiter arrived to get our orders. I quickly scanned the menu ordering the most expensive dishes I could find. The cheek of the bastard, dumping me... I was supposed to be the dumper, not the dumpee. It was my first time in the dumpee's corner, and I didn't like it.

"How long have you been seeing her?" I asked, trying to be civil.

"A few weeks, honestly Kasa, you would love her."

"Have you had sex?"

Again his eyes averted quickly, confirming my ugly suspicions. "You miserable shit." I snapped. "You were having sex with both of us. God no wonder you've been so useless."

His face dropped, and he just stared at me. "There's no need to be nasty Kasa. We never said we were exclusive."

"Really, I'm so sorry, I thought after dating as long as we had, that it was accepted."

He sighed ruefully. "No, you're right. Of course it was. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."

The waiter arrived with our entrées, and fresh drinks.

I wanted to snarl and bitch at him, but the anger had died. I was here to dump him after all. "Thank you for at least being honest Brent. Although, I would have preferred to find out before you started a sexual relationship with her."

"Yes, I'm sorry Kasa, although in my defence. I suspected you were seeing somebody else already. It seemed to me lately that you were hardly invested in our relationship."

"Yes, I'm not sure if I suspected something subconsciously, but I have felt us meandering."

The food was wonderful, and with the relationship over. I felt happier. Granted, the shock of being dumped wasn't exactly setting me on fire, but I felt lighter. We talked about other things.

"I hope we can still be friends Kasa?" He asked.

"I hope so to, it has been fun. Even if you are a cheating bastard." He choked a little on his crayfish. "I am sorry Kasa."

A little tiddly and mildly wobbly. I waited for my taxi. We parted as friends, and with my pashmina pulled tightly around me, I wondered what the future held?

In bed that night, I wondered about my conversation with Mel. Was she right? My mind shifted to women, how does a thirty five year old woman, who has never so much as kissed another woman, find a romantic partner to experiment with. That's all it would be, an experiment...

A chance to dip my toes... No... Fingers into. The thought made me giggle. "Really, could I?"

I didn't really feel like it was real. Me, a lesbian... It was laughable. I liked men, I certainly didn't see myself as a feminist warrior. I supported equality, but I was hardly a bra burning radical. I started to bring female images into my consciousness. With the word lesbian spinning wildly, my mind conjured up very butch ones. That didn't excite me, women, I did admire, in at least a physical sense, were very beautiful, feminine ones.

My friend Mel, I giggled drunkenly. Mel... No definitely not. She was gorgeous, and funny and wonderful, but the thought of kissing her, just made me laugh. No, that wasn't happening. The more I thought about it, the more I laughed. "No, she's on the wrong track."

We met as we usually did for lunch. "Well, how did it go, was he upset?" She asked.

"Upset... The bastard dumped me!"

She sniggered, showing mock indignation... "No... You're kidding."

"Straight up my love, and what's more the dirty shit is already seeing somebody else. They're already having sex."

She started giggling. "Oh dear I am sorry babe. That must have been tough."

"Oh stop it. You can't say that while laughing. It's so ingenious."

"Yes, sorry babe. So what now?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, life goes on. I'll focus on work for a while. Take a breath."

"Did you give any thoughts to our conversation the other day?"

"Mel, to be honest. Yes, I wondered. But I don't think you realise how preposterous that is. Last night, I tried to imagine kissing you, and all I could do is giggle."

Her face dropped, her bright smile vanished in an instant. "Kasa, you didn't think I was hitting on you, did you? Oh heavens, I feel terrible now."

"What, don't be silly. No, I never thought that." With my brows furrowed, I added. "You weren't were you?"

"No, absolutely not." She gasped.

Taking the opportunity to tease her. I spluttered dejectedly. "Why, don't you find me attractive?"

"Stop it. You know how wonderfully gorgeous you are. I am not gay, although if I were. You would be my first choice."

I smiled evilly. "Oh god, please don't be offended, but I could do better."

She laughed as only old friends could. "You jolly well could not."

"No, you're right. I couldn't. You are really the only person who has ever got me. It's a shame really. We would be wonderful together."

"Silly, we are together. I love you like no other, just not in that sense."

"Yes, well for what it's worth. I don't see myself that way either."

"Kasa, I think you're wrong, I hope you're wrong. I have seen you sabotage every relationship you have ever had with men. I fear, that you are missing some kind of connection."

"Mel, lets assume you're right. How would I even meet somebody? I'm thirty five, I don't like clubs and bars. What am I supposed to do, wait for the next feminist protest rally and turn up shouting I'm here?"

"Blast, you can be so dense sometimes. I wonder how somebody so naive can be so successful."

"All right smarty pants, how do I go about it?"

"There are dating aps."

"There are?" I said in mild amusement. I wasn't that unaware, I simply hadn't considered it as an option. I was used to being the prey not the huntress.

Mel, whipped her phone out from her purse, and before I really knew what was happening. We were huddled together as she swiped and scrolled through a myriad of images.

"I saved a few I thought you might find interesting." She said softly.

"Are you sure you're not gay?" I asked. "You seem very familiar with this software."

She giggled playfully. "I must admit to spending a lot of time on here. Before talking to you, I wondered what sort of woman would appeal to you. I have to say, the gay world is very, how shall I say... Selective."

"How do you mean?" I asked.

"Well... There are so many different. Golly, I don't know how to describe it, genres, subsets, classifications. So many boxes to tick."

"All right miss busy body. Show me the ones you thought I would like."

She had a saved list. "Good god woman. How much time have you spent on this?"

She sniggered softly. "Way too much. You should be grateful."

"Just show me."

The first few profiles surprised me. How well she knew me was shocking. The women she had selected, were all beautiful woman, the ages varied, their personal styles were vastly different, but they all shared one thing in common. They were all startlingly attractive.

She glanced sideways at me. "I couldn't picture you with a masculine woman, but I don't know, would that appeal?"

"God no, that thought holds no interest for me. I would want whoever I was with to share my interests in fashion, and style, literature."

She smiled at me. "My thoughts exactly. So would you like to get in touch with any of them?"

The thought scared me. "Mel, I don't even know if I'm interested, or whether I've let you talk me into it. Actually chasing after a woman scares me to death."

She nodded in agreement. "Yes, it would be difficult. I think I understand."

"I think I will leave my future in the hands of the gods, if it's meant to happen. I'm sure it will."

"I suppose." Mel huffed. "I was only trying to help."

I hugged her tight, and kissed her on the cheek. "I know that my dearest friend. Perhaps I simply need some time to grieve. You do realise this has been my first time as the recipient of the 'Darling we need to talk, talk."

"Oh I'm quite aware. It must have been dreadful for you."

I laughed at her snarky jibe. "It was horrific, it took me several minutes to get over myself."

"Golly, you can be such a mean spirit sometimes."

"You ain't seen nothing yet. Wait for a few months, and I become frustrated and grumpy. Then you'll see some meanness. I might hit on you."

"Oh heavens, don't do that. I would hate to break your heart all over again. I might not be as nice as Brent."

"Nice... The bastard was cheating on me."

"Could have been worse babe. Imagine if he dumped you for a man!"

"Jesus, don't even think it. Although, that might have been easier to accept. I hate the thought that he found somebody better looking."

We joked about it, and every lunchtime, we scrolled through some online profiles. I have to say the thought intrigued me more and more. Wondering how women actually made love, led me to watch some online porn. It was so plastic and I was sure it couldn't possibly be like that.

It was the intimacy I craved, I wanted somebody in my life. I loved my job, had wonderful friends, but there was a yawning hole, I wanted love, passion and just a little companionship.

Life as they say moved on. It gave me a chance to think, to breathe. I was used to being in a relationship. I was actually single for the first time in years, and I didn't like it.

It sucked... Big time. No dates, apart from Mel, who went out of her way to drag me around to her place for dinners, and drinks.

I threw myself into work. What else is a girl going to do? At least work was interesting. Kept me off the streets.

My passion though, was poetry. Ever since I was old enough to read, I adored the spoken word. I loved books as well, but there was something magical about the smooth flowing verse.

I wrote a lot of poetry myself, but. I never considered it that good. My spare time was dedicated to performances. I tried to attend as many readings as possible.

*****

"Excuse me, is this seat taken?"

I turned to look up into the eyes, of a strikingly attractive woman. "No, it is free."

I watched as she sat, the crisp whispering of silk caressing nylon. "Hi, I'm Skye."

"I'm Kasa." I replied. She leaned forward to place her gorgeous white canvas tote style handbag, in the small space between our seats At the front of the room, announcements and introductions were taking place.

"Are you a fan?" She asked, leaning close ensuring her whispered question wasn't overheard.

"Yes, I am actually. I admire, miss Remington's works. Have done for several years. What about yourself?"

"Oh, I'm a huge fan. I treasure her work." She replied.

As I gazed at her, I couldn't help but notice her eyes... Good god, they were like pools of liquid mercury, grey, but blue tinges. I felt myself being pulled into her vortex. It wasn't just her eye colour, they were huge, spectacularly made up. The perfectly plucked brows, the silver eye-shadow beautifully highlighting those liquid pools of grey blue light. She smiled, but her brow furrowed. "What about Ariels, earlier work?"

"Um, not so much. I think she's found herself now though. The last eighteen months or so, she seems to have found a new level."

"You didn't enjoy Passing, then?"

"No, not so much. It lacked emotion. Went round in circles without ever saying anything."

"Gosh, you thought it was emotionless?"

"Yes, don't get me wrong. Her word smithing was wonderful. It simply lacked depth."

Her disbelieving glare left me under no allusions. She did not share my views.

The room fell into silence, as, Ariel, Remington began her recital. She took from her most recently published work. Warm and deep. Her words flowed rhythmically. Her prose sharp and descriptive. Full of bubbling undertones of emotion.

At the end, the applause reverberated around the small auditorium.

"Wow." Skye sighed enthusiastically. Glancing at me, she whispered. "Enough emotion was there?"

"Yes, look. I didn't mean to offend earlier. I do like her work. Golly, I wouldn't have paid fifty dollars to be here if I didn't."

"Yes of course. I shouldn't have been snippy. I adore her new collection."

'Absolutely."

Ariel, worked her way through several other works. A brief question and answer session followed. I went armed with some questions, but by the time she got to me. All my questions had been answered. I was left fumbling for something intelligent to say, but was left red faced by my tongue, which failed to work.

"What was that all about?" Skye, asked."Cat got your tongue?"