A little warning. This is a long story. It is unedited, that means it will be full of mistakes. I apologise for the errors. If bad grammar is a thing for you. Hit back before going any further.
*****
Life, a journey
"I don't know Mel, why is it all my relationships end up in such a mess?"
She looked at me with her big green eyes, her voice a soft, soothing sigh. "I don't know Kasa, what happened this time?"
"We just seem to be in different places. Want different things. I want to travel, see the world. He wants children, wants me to give up my career, it's like what I want isn't important."
"You know you could do both, children, travel, career. Have the kids, buy the house, and then travel."
"Nah, I'm not ready, that's what makes it so difficult."
"Kasa, maybe it's not who you are. You've never managed a lasting relationship with one single guy. This has been your longest attachment. Maybe that's your problem."
"What... Men?" I sniggered.
"Yes men... Ever since college, you've struggled with boys. You've certainly had the pick of them. Shit, they literally throw themselves at you. At some point you have to say. They can't all be wrong."
"You're saying that it's me. I'm the problem?"
"Yeah, in a way. Have you ever considered, maybe the reason your relationships fail, is you never wanted to be in them in the first place?"
Somewhat perplexed, and wondering if she was serious. I said, "You think I sabotage my relationships, my own life?"
Subconsciously, I think you do." Her sharp glare deepened, and it was as clear as the nose on her face. She was really hesitant to say it. "Don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way. Have you considered the possibility you're gay?"
"Gay... What the fuck. I've never even kissed a girl. Why would you say that?"
"Kasa, if you think about it, men are your problem. You've never really been attracted to them. Be honest. All your life, you've had the hottest guys fighting just to get you to talk to them. You were never really interested. All you wanted was what they offered."
"You think I'm that shallow, that vain?"
"You wanted the truth, I'm being honest. I think you've never been comfortable in your skin."
"And what... That makes me gay?"
"No, yes, maybe. I don't know. All I know is what you're doing isn't working for you. Have you ever thought about other girls, women?"
"No."
"Does the idea revolt you?"
"You mean being with a woman?"
"Yes, sexually. Have you ever thought about it?"
Sucking in a deep breath, I sighed. "Yes, haven't we all?"
She giggled crudely. "I don't know about everybody, but I have."
"God, you dirty bitch." I gasped, slapping her shoulder playfully. "Have you done it, with a girl I mean?"
"No, but I have thought about it. I'm married now, and I don't think Roger, is into it. I did drop a few hints, but he either hasn't picked up on them, or he's not interested."
"Bloody hell. You little pervert."
"What about you, have you considered it?"
"Nah, not really. Maybe I should?"
"Yeah, possibly."
"It doesn't help me Mel. What am I going to do about Brent?"
"Dump him obviously. It's clear you're not interested. Why lead the poor clueless bastard on?"
"But, he's so nice?"
"Is he... When you think about your future, do you see him in it, a house full of kids?"
"God no. He's nice, but, he's not the one."
"Then put him out of his misery. Dump the poor sap."
We finished our wine, and I left for home. I needed to do some thinking. Mel was right in some ways. I had never been comfortable in my relationships. They always ended up in one catastrophe or another.
Maybe it was just my choice in men... I always went for the same sort of guy.
When I considered Mel's words, I started to pull apart what went wrong with them. With a bottle of wine, I reclined on the sofa. Sex... I didn't crave it, not like most of my girlfriends. My past lovers, partners had all been considerate lovers, and occasionally I did reach orgasm. It just never seemed to be the mountainous highs, I read about, saw depicted in movies. That's what I wanted.
My sex life, if critiqued by an analyst, would be described as nice, rather than sensational. My orgasms, were stronger when I masturbated. Yeah, my fingers knew my body better than they did. I hadn't been lying to Mel, I had considered it, what it would be like, what it would feel like? Gosh, most girls had at least thought about it... Hadn't they?
I assumed my attraction, my interest was just a natural part of growing up, that all people considered those things... Questioned their sexuality.
Brent, was nice, a little controlling perhaps. It was his desire for it to be about him that didn't anger, but unsettled me. I yearned for a more inclusive partnership where it was about us, not him.. Sex recently had become a mad rush to orgasm. He loved getting blow jobs, which was fine, I didn't mind, it was just that he never really put much effort into returning the favour.
Maybe it had always been that way, but I was noticing it more, or maybe, I was just being a bitch.
There had to be more to it... Something was lacking, or my heart wasn't in it. I feared it was the latter...
Mel, was right though, it was time for honesty. That was only fair, I dreaded it, the talk. Confrontation wasn't exactly a strong point with me. When Brent, phoned inviting me to dinner, I accepted, thinking it might be the perfect opportunity. At least in a restaurant, he wouldn't get angry and whiny.
We met at the bar. He had already procured my Martini. He leaned in for our usual kiss, "You look sensational tonight Kasa."
"Thanks, Sweetie. You look very nice yourself."
We sat talking work, and the usual stuff as we waited to be escorted to our table. The tension was unbearable, now that I'd made my mind up. I just wanted it to be over. God, it took forever, by my third Martini, I was at least feeling a little braver, but my heart rate was merciless. I could feel it pounding away furiously.
Finally, we were seated, and I could take a breath, and prepare myself...
"Kasa, thanks for coming along tonight." He said softly, if a little hesitantly. So unlike him, we had been dating exclusively for months, suddenly he was grateful that I attended?
"No worries, Sweetie. I..."
He cut me off before I could finish. "Kasa, I have been trying to build up the courage for this moment. You are a beautiful woman, and I do like you."
What, where the hell was this going... Oh shit, please don't let it be a proposal.... Nooooooo.
He reached across the table, lifting my trembling hand in his. "I do like you Kasa, but you must feel the same way I do. Things have been drifting lately. We seem to have lost our spark."
"What?" I spluttered into my now frothing Martini.
"You must feel it." He stared into my eyes, his hand squeezed mine. "You and I, it's not the same any more. I think we should take some time apart, regather our thoughts."
"You're dumping me?" I gasped in shock. "You, you're dumping me, like just throwing me away?" I could feel the tears beginning to swell.
"No my love, no. It's not you, it's me."
Oh my god, he actually said that... No, Jesus Christ. "You've met somebody haven't you?" I hissed nastily. The way his eyes dropped, and he could no longer hold my gaze, he had. The dirty bastard had been cheating on me.
"Who is it?" I snapped caustically, as I snatched my hand away.
"You don't know her, I met her through work. You'd like her, she's lovely."
The waiter arrived to get our orders. I quickly scanned the menu ordering the most expensive dishes I could find. The cheek of the bastard, dumping me... I was supposed to be the dumper, not the dumpee. It was my first time in the dumpee's corner, and I didn't like it.
"How long have you been seeing her?" I asked, trying to be civil.
"A few weeks, honestly Kasa, you would love her."
"Have you had sex?"
Again his eyes averted quickly, confirming my ugly suspicions. "You miserable shit." I snapped. "You were having sex with both of us. God no wonder you've been so useless."
His face dropped, and he just stared at me. "There's no need to be nasty Kasa. We never said we were exclusive."
"Really, I'm so sorry, I thought after dating as long as we had, that it was accepted."
He sighed ruefully. "No, you're right. Of course it was. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."
The waiter arrived with our entrées, and fresh drinks.
I wanted to snarl and bitch at him, but the anger had died. I was here to dump him after all. "Thank you for at least being honest Brent. Although, I would have preferred to find out before you started a sexual relationship with her."
"Yes, I'm sorry Kasa, although in my defence. I suspected you were seeing somebody else already. It seemed to me lately that you were hardly invested in our relationship."
"Yes, I'm not sure if I suspected something subconsciously, but I have felt us meandering."
The food was wonderful, and with the relationship over. I felt happier. Granted, the shock of being dumped wasn't exactly setting me on fire, but I felt lighter. We talked about other things.
"I hope we can still be friends Kasa?" He asked.
"I hope so to, it has been fun. Even if you are a cheating bastard." He choked a little on his crayfish. "I am sorry Kasa."
A little tiddly and mildly wobbly. I waited for my taxi. We parted as friends, and with my pashmina pulled tightly around me, I wondered what the future held?
In bed that night, I wondered about my conversation with Mel. Was she right? My mind shifted to women, how does a thirty five year old woman, who has never so much as kissed another woman, find a romantic partner to experiment with. That's all it would be, an experiment...
A chance to dip my toes... No... Fingers into. The thought made me giggle. "Really, could I?"
I didn't really feel like it was real. Me, a lesbian... It was laughable. I liked men, I certainly didn't see myself as a feminist warrior. I supported equality, but I was hardly a bra burning radical. I started to bring female images into my consciousness. With the word lesbian spinning wildly, my mind conjured up very butch ones. That didn't excite me, women, I did admire, in at least a physical sense, were very beautiful, feminine ones.
