In the days that followed Tammi's orientation session, I'd had a lot of time to mull over my actions and the changes that had taken place in me. In less than six weeks, I had taken part in four intensive sexual encounters. I began to wonder if I were becoming obsessed with sex, or just trying to find my way or what? I was less than two weeks away from the scheduled chapter meeting and had to decide if I was up to it or not, considering the unfinished business with Justine and the thinly veiled threats from Cricket and Trish. The other thing that continued to bother me was the existence of the bondage equipment in the meeting room. Though I had been promised that nothing would be done against my wishes, I now knew that my resistance to anything sexual had failed to materialize so far.
One thing I had learned was that in spite of the intensity of the events, and the extreme high that they gave me, something was still lacking. Certainly not lust or desire. There was enough of that for an army. My libido had gone out of sight on the seismic scale, so that wasn't it. No, I decided, the missing ingredient was the emotional bond two women share after just a few nights together.
It didn't have to be love, or anything close to it, it could just be admiration or that special feeling you get from someone you've shared your bed with on several occasions. Someone that knew what lit you up or turned you off. Someone that knew where your special trigger sites were intimately, and knew when to be soft and slow, and when to drive into you with jackhammer speed, or just how much pressure to apply to your nipples and your clit with fingers or teeth, without causing enough pain as to kill the mood and ruin the evening. That was the elusive ingredient that I would continue to seek.
When I got the reminder of the chapter meeting, I put it aside, still undecided, and I suppose, somewhat frightened, though I didn't want to admit that even to myself.
With only a week before the meeting, I still mulled the decision over and over again. I'd almost decided against it, when I received a deciding phone call from Justine. I don't know where she called me from, but I could hear Cricket's bright voice in the background, speaking to someone else on another phone, giggling cheerfully.
"Samantha, we haven't received your confirmation. Is something wrong?"
I hesitated, fearing that I might say the wrong thing. "I'm just having a hard time deciding on what to do," I honestly replied. "I mean things are coming so close together and I don't want to burn out if you know what I mean."
"Did I say anything to make you worry?" she asked. I chuckled and admitted that giving her a chance to get even was somewhat intimidating.
She laughed. "I promise to take it easy on you, at least at first," she replied. "Come on honey, it just won't be the same without you."
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course...anything." she replied.
"I'm going to sound like a woos, I'm sure, but I'm not comfortable enough yet with the whole situation to handle the kind of bondage your room indicated. Why wasn't that shown in the guide? It doesn't show bondage at all in your mission statement."
"Aha," she replied. "Now I know what's really bothering you. The previous owner used to use it a lot before Cricket bought the house.. She was going to take it out entirely but we asked her to leave it, just in case one or two of us wanted something different, but we don't get into the heavy stuff and we absolutely do not do discipline. Spanking is about as aggressive as any of us get. You don't have to allow anything at all though. The rule is that if a member objects to anything, it must stop immediately and that rule comes right from the top. Now are you coming, or not?"
"Oh damn, I suppose. I probably would have anyway. I might have to skip the next orientation but we'll see. I'll see you there."
The next afternoon, I left for lunch a bit early to pick up a replacement blouse for her. She wasn't kidding about the value of the item. Even after cajoling the manager of the store into an extra discount when I told her why I had to buy it, I felt like I'd just bought a piece of furniture. The total was over two-hundred fifty dollars and they didn't have it in the same color. When I described her to the manager, she smiled and said she remembered ordering the blouse for Justine, recommending instead, a shimmering shade of green that she said Justine almost bought instead of the red.
Reminding myself of the Justine revenge factor, I made one more decision. Whatever I decided to wear had to be seductive, but not too revealing, and it had to be something she could tear to pieces getting if off of me.
When I got there, Cricket was waiting for me at the door. After the customary embrace and kiss, she pulled me over to sit in one of the wing back chairs in the foyer, motioning for me to be seated in the other.
"Samantha, Justine spoke to me of your concerns about the bondage apparatus. Believe me when I tell you that nothing is done here to cause intense pain or a feeling of confinement unless you are the one that requests it and even then, I reserve the right to bring it to a halt. I was going to have it stripped out completely but the other women argued against it. I don't want to lose you as a member, Samantha but you'll understand, I'm sure, that all of you have a voice in what we do so I left most of it there. I hope you won't leave us over its presence, but I'll recommend another chapter to you if you do."
I sat there for a few minutes, thinking of my reply. "Cricket, I...I don't know what to say. I don't want to leave the group. Everyone has been so wonderful and sweet. I got to thinking the other night that some women would have been offended by what I did to Justine. It frightened me when I lost control like that. We all have different wants and needs and what may be pleasant to some would be terrifying to others. All I can tell you at this point is that being restrained is one thing. Being confined and controlled is something altogether different. I know that I could never stand to be controlled or dominated.
I will never allow anyone, man or woman to whip me or beat me in the name of sex or any other reason. I believe I could tolerate a reasonable amount of pain but at this time, I don't know what reasonable is and I won't be pushed to see what my limits are without an absolute guarantee that whoever is causing the pain has the ability to stop if requested. I lost control and if another person lost control while deliberately inflicting pain on me, I'd leave not only the chapter but the whole group."
"I understand, Samantha," she replied, "but what you did to Justine wasn't cruel, or vicious. Quite frankly, it was incredibly erotic to the others and other than her ego, she wasn't actually hurt. She talked about those orgasms for days afterwards. If we thought you were a threat to us, you'd be asked to transfer and that goes for everyone here. You always have the right to end whatever is being done to you, just as do we all. It's a hard and fast rule here and with the management team. Even the groups that reflect an interest in BDSM are bound by that rule and they are strictly monitored at every meeting and every session. Think about it, Samantha. If just one woman were to file a complaint, the whole world would learn about our mission and the group would be forced to disband. It's not going to happen."
I stood and offered my hand to her, lifting her to her feet, then embracing her warmly. For several seconds, we just enjoyed the warmth of each other's bodies but then we turned to head for the main room.
