When Jennifer closed the door, I felt as though the lights went out in the world. There was such an incredible emptiness in my heart that I was sure I'd die soon.
I didn't care if the projects were finished, or if I even returned to school at all. It all seemed so pointless. I never turned a light on that day and only got up to use the rest room. Food didn't appeal to me, and just the thought of drinking wine made me ill. In the middle of the night, I sat in the darkness, staring out at the world that now seemed empty and cold. I don't remember the rest of that day because I only got up to use the restroom and get more tissues.
The next morning, I showered in cold water and went to the kitchen for a drink. On the floor, in front of the door, lay a letter. For the longest time, I couldn't bring myself to pick it up but I finally held it in very shaky hands.
"Oh god, Jenn," I cried, unable to open it. "Don't leave me. Please don't leave me now."
It was almost an hour before I finally read what she wrote.
"My darling, I can't bear to face you right now. I can't drive the sound of your tears from my head and your words just keep booming through my mind. In my attempts to love you, I hurt you and drove you away. You told me not to hurt you and I promised I wouldn't. Then, I carelessly did exactly that. You're right, Sherry. I did violate your trust and your body. It's not something I'm proud of. .
How do I regain your trust? I don't know, maybe I can't. Without that, there is no future for us together and I love you so much. In all my life, I've never loved like this. Where do I go now? How can I face tomorrow without you."
She skipped several lines and the reason was obvious. Tears stained the paper in swirls of dark rings. I added mine to hers as I held the letter but then I had to put it down while I fell apart again.
Later, I tried once more to finish it.
"I don't know what to do or what to say. What magic words can I use to keep you from hating me? What words can ever undo what I've already done? How can I go on, pretending I haven't destroyed a love that I thought would go on forever? I always considered myself to be a strong woman, but I'm my knees begging for someone to rescue me.
I love you, Sherri. Oh god, I love you so much but I can't write any more.
J.
I held her letter to my breast and let my tears wash my soul as my world continued to fall apart.
Where was that darkness when I so desperately need it. Where is the peace of unconsciousness when it can save you from this torture? I walked into the studio in a daze and began throwing canvases around like old papers. I almost threw the sculpture to the floor, but instead, I held it to me as I cried.
I've never felt so helpless or so useless, and I've never felt the need to scream but scream I did. Over and over and over until my throat hurt and I could scream no more. Even when I cried, I had no tears left. I had no spirit left. My soul was beaten and worn.
Eventually, I forced myself to return to face the day, but the house felt so empty, so cold. I put on shorts and a tee shirt with the intent to clean up and perhaps face the task of packing everything up to head for home. I had to stay busy. I had to force myself to work hard enough to keep her from my thoughts and out of my heart.
The sculpture was heavily damaged but I could recover it, make it new again since it hadn't been fired yet. Some of the canvases were beyond saving, but they were, for the most part, unnecessary for my projects. None of the key canvases were destroyed or damaged beyond saving.
It was a mess though and I worked my ass off to make it presentable.
I ran out of energy and the will to keep going at the same time. Sitting in the sun room with my head back, I closed my eyes and tried to regain my sanity.
"This isn't helping any," I finally declared.
I began to pace the floor, trying to think of something...anything I could do. I couldn't just give up and go home without making things right. True, she hurt me in ways that left op9en wounds, but I knew that I hurt her too. I didn't think she meant to hurt me either physically or emotionally so the pain had to be tempered with intent.
I couldn't take it any more. I hurried in to take another shower, and dressed in the new mini skirt and blouse I hadn't worn yet. Slipping into my flip-flops, I headed out the door, determined to let her know how I felt and try my best to restore what we'd done our best to destroy.
I got all the way over there before I happened to think that she might not let me in. What if she didn't want to see me at all? Then what?
I didn't have to face that though when I found her door not only unlocked, but open. I found her sitting on her bed, staring at the floor. For a second, I stood at the door, looking at the woman I loved. It was now or nothing. I quickly moved over in front of her and pushed her back on the bed, getting on top to straddle her. She threw her hands up but I pinned her to the bed.
"Look at me. Look at me, damn it. Do you remember who I am? I mean who I really am? Can you honestly not know how much I love you? Do you really think I'm so stupid that I'd let this bump in the road make me stop loving you? "
When her tears started, I couldn't keep up with my tirade. "Oh god, Jenn, what have we done?" I asked as I dropped down to put my head on her shoulder.
Her arm wrapped around me and we just lay there and cried, more in relief, I think than in fear or sadness.
"I was so afraid," she whispered to me. "I hurt you so much and I thought I'd lost you. Nothing seemed to make any sense any more."
"I know, I know, honey. I'm sorry. I hurt you with my anger and my words and I'm so sorry. You didn't mean to hurt me. I just lost control and said things I shouldn't have said."
"No, love, you didn't," she said. "They needed to be said. I needed to know that I'd destroyed your trust."
"Is it too late for us?" I asked. "Is there enough love left to save us?"
"I think so," she said. "Don't you?"
"Oh god, Jenn, I hope so. I've been so miserable and alone without you."
"Don't leave me, Sherri. No matter what has happened, I'm begging you. Don't leave me."
"I already promised I wouldn't," I reminded her.
"I know, but I promised I wouldn't hurt you and I broke that promise."
"I'm not going anywhere," I said. "I won't break my promise."
For a long time we lay together, whispering to each other, sharing tears of joy and happiness. She kept kissing my hair as she held me tight to her.