My Deceased Wife's Affair

Following my wife's tragic, unexpected early death, I was left with lots of good memories and a heap of her things to get rid of. Jane was an inveterate shopper and lots of her clothes were brand new or only worn a few times, Seeing unworn dresses and shoes reminded me of the fragility of life. She had expected to wear them and suddenly a blob hit her heart and she was no more.

The British Heart Foundation charity shop advertised a free house clearance service. She would have wanted her things to go to such a worthy cause. I wanted as few things as possible to remind me of her.

It was while I was clearing away her things that I noticed a red A4 ring binder. As I had spent a whole day sorting out her stuff, I prepared myself a cup of coffee and sat down to examine the contents of the ring binder.

The most relevant comments were

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Friday 2 Jan 1980

Saw in the New Year with Hubby and lots of our friends. Got very drunk going from one New Year party to the next. Spent rest of the day feeling groggy and a bit depressed. Hubby bored my friends as usual. I tried to avoid him as much as possible.

Old Father Time is one year nearer calling me to the great divide 'twixt life and any afterlife.

Once again I thought about Steve. I loved Steve. But love wasn't sufficient for our relationship to survive. Unlike with hubby, sex was there on tap all day, every day and in lots of different ways. Steve and I were always up for it.

So was Hubby when we first started dating. Nowadays Hubby has to be in the mood. He wasn't in the mood again last night. I think that Hubby only got me because I was on the rebound. Perhaps I should have waited.

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Sunday 1 Feb 1981

Sixth anniversary of breaking up with Steve. I wish I hadn't found out that he was having an affair with Gillian. Then I wouldn't have given him the "her or me" ultimatum. Then he wouldn't have packed his bags. Then we wouldn't have divorced.

In retrospect, I would have preferred to let him shag Gillian and that we remained married.

I was painfully lonely for months after we split. Sex dominated my thoughts, in the streets, on the bus and in the supermarket I looked lustily at men. I hoped that one would chat me up.

I tried masturbating thinking of a man I had seen in the street. But that then morphed into Steve and Gillian having sex. That killed my libido.

I couldn't even wank because I was still in love with Steve.

Hubby still fancies me. I suppose I love him. Sex doesn't have the sparkle that a wife expects. Sex with Steve was something special.

Don't know if Hubby will give me sex tonight.

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Friday 27 Feb 1981

My work colleague, Irene, has lots of one-night stands. The people in the office call her "Good night Irene" for obvious reasons.

She says that sex without any emotional involvement is true sexual liberation. She says that even true love should not preclude having other partners. She wanted me to persuade my husband to let me have an open relationship. I told Irene that those sort of arrangements never work.

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Wed 3 May 1981

Irene was drunk and gave me a deep, passionate kiss. The kiss was still on my mind as I got ready for bed. Hubby was asleep so I started stroking my clit. I masturbated myself to sleep thinking of Irene.

I decided to put an end to this before we went too far.

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Sat 6 May 1981

Irene and I had a long talk. Somehow we started kissing more passionately than that first time. I was kissing her and enthusiastically fondling her breasts from outside her clothing. Irene slid her hand inside my sweater. I wanted her but felt guilty about being unfaithful. But guilt didn't stop me enjoying Irene's love making. Time didn't allow us to go all the way.

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Sun 7 May 1981

Made up some bullshit story so I could see Irene. She undid my blouse and took off my bra and played with my nipples. I really loved them being played with. Irene wants us to go slow because she wants the excitement of waiting. I just want her to fuck me. She wants to fuck me in my bed. It's downright dangerous since Hubby will find out.

We kissed for ages.

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Mon 8 May 1981

I phoned Irene and we discussed places where she could fuck me and we might be caught. It was an enormous turn on. We had a list of 8 places, including in an airport car park.

That night I made myself orgasm while Hubby slept.

I wanted lesbian sex. Irene could satisfy my sexual craving without making an emotional commitment. I couldn't. I wanted both Hubby and Irene emotionally. I wanted Hubby to accept Irene and my co-partner.

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Wed 10 May 1981

Hubby kissed me for no particular reason. He ran his hand up my leg several times and felt my breasts. Then his hands felt the top of my legs and between them, His prick entered my wet womanly cavity. He really fucked my cunt. Afterwards I played with his nice, hairy chest.

Hubby knows that something is wrong and that was his attempt to make our marriage work. He was still semi-erect, his cock looked lovely. It felt good having been fucked. He played with my pubic mound. It was a rare return to what marital fucking should be.

But even then I thought about Irene fucking me. I asked Hubby if I would watch me wank myself to another orgasm. he likes watching me self pleasure. It was the first time that I wanked in front of my husband while thinking of Irene.

I had my second orgasm of the night and I kissed Hubby. It was marvellous. I tried not to think of Irene.

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Thu 11 May 1981

I phoned Irene to tell her about the amazing sex that Hubby and I had. I explained that I had thought of her as I wanked in front of him.

Irene said that she had a surrogate cock that would giving me as much pleasure as a real one.

I think that Irene has an emotional bond with me. Her surrogate cock is her attempt to compete with Hubby.

I thought about when Hubby shagged me on the sofa of his parents' house. It was great, life enhancing sex. I got an extra buzz because of the danger of being caught by his parents. I decided that Irene could fuck me properly and fully in my house.

Hubby's welcome return to giving me great sex had been too late.

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Fri 12 May 1981

I let Irene undress me completely in the office Ladies toilets. I wore a dress that she could rapidly remove and had no bra or panties. She took some photos of me naked on her phone. She watched as I sat on the loo.

Risk had become our drug.

Being bare butt naked in a semi public place for Irene's delight was fantastic. This was part 1 of item number 1 crossed off our "to do" list. I managed to emotionally handle this evolving situation. Part 2 would be that Irene gives me oral sex in the same Ladies loo.

My adventure has started. I can't wait for when the Ladies loo is vacant long enough to allow Irene to lick my clit. She also wants to video her pleasuring me.

Its all very exciting.

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Thu 18 May 1981

Most of the workers will leave early tomorrow to celebrate George's retirement. That gives Irene and I a full hour to make use of the Ladies loo. It even gives Irene a reason to have a video camera. She will record us in the loo and change tapes and then record George receiving his retirement gift.

I am surprised that no one has noticed that Irene and I are lovers. Perhaps they have and talk about us behind our backs. I can't wait for tomorrow.

Hubby's lovemaking has returned to being normal and boring. I still like him being beside me in bed but yearn for sex with a sparkle.

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Fri 19 May 1981

I got naked and Irene set up the video camera. She then knelt on the floor and buried her face between my thighs. At the same time she reached up and squeezed my boobs.

She licked my clit until I orgasmed. We had gone from kissing to full blown oral sex. We had overcome the taboo of having lesbian extra-marital sex. Having sex in the office is a sackable offence so we also risked getting dismissed from our job.

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Sat 27 May 1981

I drove to a quiet car park to pick up Irene. We went to a countryside hotel for our first night away together. We checked in and went to our bedroom.

Irene ordered me to masturbate while she recorded me on videotape.

I had a splendid and loud orgasm. Irene showed me the video. It was fascinating seeing my boobs jiggle as I wanked myself. I got dressed in a pretty dress. I wore no bra. We went into the hotel's garden and kissed openly.

Irene said that, after dinner, she would use her surrogate penis on me. I was so looking forward to the evening.

I hadn't had sex with Hubby since Irene gave me that orgasm in the office loo. I was gagging for vaginal sex. Irene first put her fingers up me and then used her tongue. She produced a doubIe dildo with an engine that acted as a vibrator for both of us,

I hadn't ever been fucked so wonderfully. It had the same feeling as if a man had shoved his cock up my cunt. The dildo throbbed like a cock. It also gave Irene the ability to thrust like a man did. But it didn't require her to put in the effort so she could go on and on. I had orgasm after orgasm. Irene had complete control over my cunt. She could thrust and watch me lose myself in erotic delight. She could satisfy her own cunt with the non electric end of the double dildo.

Irene knew that I had to make up for lost time and kept up her assault on my cunt for fully 30 minutes. Then she turned off the motor and withdrew the surrogate cock. We opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate. Then an hour later Irene gave me a clitoral orgasm using a specialist vibrator. That gave me a second orgasm.

I was physically wasted. We finished the bottle of champagne and went to sleep. It felt so much better sleeping with Irene than it did with Hubby. She is soft and curvy and lovely. She kissed me and gave me gentle love bites on my back and my bum.

I didn't feel any remorse about inventing some reason why I couldn't be with him. But I knew that I would have to one day.

Irene asked once again to have sex with her in my house. She wanted to shove this surrogate cock up my cunt. She wanted to replace Hubby. It was decision time. If I allowed Irene to invade Hubby's space then there was no way back. He would have to agree to take second place to Irene or to end our marriage.

I wanted to have my cake and eat it. I wanted Hubby and Irene to have equal billing. But Irene was insistent and I could no longer delay the inevitable.

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Sun 28 May 1981.

Woke up with Irene asleep beside me. She looks absolutely stunning. I wanted to kiss her but didn't want to wake her. I wanted her to fuck either my cunt or clit.

I also felt a distance between us. I also felt a distance between Hubby and me. I felt the pangs of a guilty conscience. I waited for Irene to wake up and I kissed her. She rose and I lay down so she could lick my clit. It felt so good. She watched me shower and sucked my nipples. She kissed me and I was in heaven.

She showered and I was in hell. I couldn't agree to letting Irene into my Hubby's house, unless and until he agreed to me being with my lady love. The mere thought of all the potential conflict made me shudder.

We had breakfast and then I drove Irene home. I couldn't concentrate on driving. I wanted more time before I had to make a firm decision.

Irene sensed that I was in emotional trouble. She said "I will give you a month to say Yes or No."

I said "Thank you. I really can't just spring this on Hubby."

I pulled over at the next opportunity to do so safely. I kissed Irene with our most passionate kiss. Lets find somewhere you can fuck me."

Irene said "Let's not stop at one place. I want to fuck you twice."

And so we did find 2 places and she did fuck my clit in both of them. It added a new dimension being fucked in a public place by Irene. I smiled as I drove Irene home, lime a cat who had got the cream. It made it better that we hadn't planned what we would do. It was spontaneous sex and there is no finer sex.

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Mon 29 May 1981

I had guilt-relief sex with Hubby last night. It didn't work because I still felt guilt about preferring Irene to him. I asked him to go down on me. He tried his best and he did make me orgasm. But it lacked the sensations that Irene gives me.

I felt like crying and confessing. I hoped that something would happen so that I could keep both Irene and Hubby. I am miserable.

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Wed 31 May 1981

I decided that I can't continue with this double life. I will put all my effort into my marriage. I am going to a marriage guidance counsellor alone and without Hubby being aware.

I need a professional friend to guide me through the mess I am in.

PS I found a counsellor and have booked my first appointment.

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Wed 7 Jun 1981

I was really nervous seeing the counsellor. I cried as I explained the sequence of events. He gave me some tissues and waited patiently for me to compose myself. He reassured me that there was a way through this forest of despair. I had made a decision to work on my marriage. I was already ahead of many people who don't know whether to stay or leave.

He asked what I thought were Hubby's strong points. I said he was a loving husband and cared for me and indeed people in general. He was fun to be with and I liked waking up with him beside me.

He then asked what were the points that he would like to see improved. I immediately said "I want him to be more into sex."

The counsellor said "No man can compete with a lesbian armed with an electric double dildo. Are you expecting a level of sexual satisfaction that is unreasonable?"

I was about to answer when he said "Unfortunately you have had your 50 minutes. Consider the question and I will ask you it again next week."

I was amazed how quickly the 50 minutes had passed.

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Thu 8 Jun 1981

I read articles in the library about human sexuality. Apparently Hubby and I are having a normal amount of sex for our age. I also discovered that perhaps 1 in 5 women had affairs, though most of them kept it secret.

I decided that Hubby and I should have a dirty weekend away. I felt I owed him that. I felt that I was partly responsible for the lack of sex. I purchased some sexy clothing and we agreed to go to a hotel.

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Wed 14 Jun 1981

I told the counsellor of my research findings and our decision to have a dirty weekend away.

He asked me about my expectations. I said that I hoped to have a great time. I hoped that it would kick start regular sex. I hoped that sex would be better if I threw myself fully into it.

He advised me not to put myself under too much pressure. Often these weekends don't work. If it didn't work out then all was not lost.

My counsellor ended the session by wishing that we both had a good time, even if it didn't lead to better sex.

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Wed 21 Jun 1981

I told the counsellor that the weekend had been a success. We had sex both nights. It wasn't the most erotic of sex but it felt great.

He asked me if I still loved him and I replied honestly that I did. we went for a walk along the prom holding hands. We even kissed in public. We had an evening meal and I got into my sexy gear. That wasn't quite as successful as I hoped.

I told my counsellor that Hubby wanted to watch me wearing my blouse but no bra and then splash water on my breasts. He then asked for me to wear a thin slip. He wanted to see my tummy, my thighs, my legs and my pubes through the material.

The sight of me with my wet boobs and my semi exposed body drove him wild. It was also a great ego boost. Knowing that he found me sexy really turned me on.

The counsellor then turned our attention to Irene. I said that I couldn't give her up. But I could and would give her an ultimatum. I would tell her that she would have to take a distant second place to Hubby. If she accepted that then we could meet from time to time to have lesbian sex.

The counsellor said that I had made a mature decision. If that is what I had decided then I had no further use for him. He had other people waiting for his services. I agreed to end our meetings but still paid for all the sessions I had booked. the counsellor assured me that this would be used to subsidise people who couldn't afford his fees.

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Thu 22 Jun 1981

I gave Irene the ultimatum. She was a bit pissed off but she agreed that we would only meet occasionally. We kissed and she fucked my vagina with her fingers and gave me a clitoral orgasm with her tongue.

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The final relevant entry read

Wed 30 May 2022

Irene, her wife and I went to our favourite hotel. I was their guest for a couple of hours and then they would spend the night together.

As always Heather called us "the 2 old dykes". It amuses me that, when Irene and I started dating, calling someone a dyke was a homophobic slur for a masculine, butch woman. Now the lesbian community has reclaimed the word. Heather uses it lovingly of her wife and of me. To her it has always been a good word.

Heather is a bit of a voyeur. She gets us to lie on top of the duvet and watches Irene go down on me. She plays with her cunt while she watches Irene pleasure me. I like to see Heather play with herself. Watching a woman young enough to be Irene's daughter enjoy us is a turn on for all 3 of us.

All too soon the session was over.

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MY REACTIONS

I wish that I hadn't read it. I wanted to burn the damned diary.

I was amazed how Jane was able to compartmentalise her life. Then I saw how much in love with me Jane was. How she had fought off Irene to create a space for our marriage and then made the most of my limited sexual appetite.

But I recognised that it was also a love letter to Irene. I decided that Jane's diary belonged to her. I phoned Irene and said "I have Jane's diary and I know about your experiences together. If you want them, they are yours."

Irene accepted the gift.