Hello Readers! This is part three of three. All three parts are now posted. Let me know what you think!
Chapter 3: Closely Held Business
"I think I made a mistake," I said simply, putting my palms up as though to say no further explanation was needed. Even that little motion made me sink down more deeply into the leather chair that was placed in front of Lily's desk. The desk itself was a massive, hardwood expanse covered in papers and electronics.
Lily sat behind the desk in a chair that sat up much higher, so that she sort of towered over me. She was leaning back casually, not even really looking at me. She shuffled some papers. She turned now to the other person in the room.
"Heather, I will speak with Ms. Gold briefly, despite the fact that she failed to make an appointment," Lily said, waving to the secretary. Heather, a pretty girl in a conservative business skirt and bulky suit coat, nodded once, grabbed some papers, and headed towards the door.
"Let me know when you'd like me to escort her out," Heather said as she passed me, her voice just verging on disgust. I sort of shied away from her. I had nearly had to beg her to get her to allow me into the room, and I was now embarrassed just to look at her. She stepped out the room, closed the door behind her. Now, Lily and were alone. In her massive, corner office on the top (7th) floor of the tallest building in the town where she lived. The national headquarters of Lily's business. It was an ultra-modern office space, with lots of white and black. Big windows with lots of natural light. Only the old-fashioned desk seemed out of place.
"What exactly do you think you are doing here?" Lily asked. Despite the fact that we were now alone, the words came out passionlessly, clipped. She was, in a word, business-like. Which, I guess, was what she would have thought that I wanted. Still, it was somehow more intimidating than if she'd suddenly gotten angry.
"To tell you that I made a mistake," I said again, summoning the courage to speak back to her just as professionally."Just not the mistake you think."
I knew what Lily probably thought that I regretted. The money, mostly, and everything that went with it. She was probably thinking that all my thoughts were turned towards her checkbook. And, I mean, I am not going to lie and pretend that the last three months had been easy. I wasn't getting Lily's $1,000 a week. And it was tougher. A lot tougher. Things had, in a lot of ways, gone back to the way they were before I met Lily.
Well, not quite as bad. I had been terrified when I left Lily that was what it was going to be like. That I was going to be scrambling, again, just to make sure that all of my pennies added up so that all of my expenses wouldn't come crashing down all at once.
But, in a lot of ways, I was a different person than I had been before I had met Lily. Lily had paid the final bill for my schooling. Which meant that I'd gotten my associate's degree. It wasn't much, but it was something. Enough for me to get a promotion at work. Something that paid not great, but enough that a the end of each month, if I was careful, I could do some fun things with my son. But beyond the actual money itself, I just had a better sense of direction in my life. I had strategies and tools for dealing with catastrophe that I didn't have before. Tools that Lily had given me, methods that she had taught me. It wasn't really an easy life, but it wasn't a hard one either. So I didn't regret losing my meal ticket, as such.
It wasn't the sex either. Don't get me wrong, unlike the money, I really, really, really missed the sex. I would often find myself sitting at work, or watching television, and I would find myself day dreaming about Lily. Thinking about all the things we'd done together, all of the things that she had made me feel. I couldn't masturbate without imagining that I was with her, feeling her, tasting her.
I had thought at first that it was just that I was horny. That I just needed to have sex with someone, and get it out of my system. I'd gone on a date with a man. Someone who'd graduated a couple years before me in high school, who was home having graduated from college. He took me out to dinner and a movie. He was nice. He was handsome, I guess. I felt nothing for him. It was so strange, because sitting at home by myself, I couldn't stop thinking about sex. I was insatiable, touching myself like I'd just discovered masturbating. And now here I was with a real, live person and I was cold. I'd tried to force it. I'd insisted that we kiss at the end of the date, hoping that some sort of spark would get lit That I would feel some sort of desire. But it felt like kissing air. I didn't bother with a second date.
I'd thought about trying to date a woman, wondering if I had sort of flipped a switch. But even the thought of it left me cold. I knew that it was just going to be like with the man. I didn't know if I was straight or a lesbian or whatever. I didn't think that it really mattered. Whatever I was, I just wanted Lily.
But I could have lived with that, honestly. I had so many more things to worry about in my life than sex. And I knew that if I waited long enough, these feelings would fade. Or even if they didn't, I knew that I wouldn't be sitting in Lily's office just for that. It would be too humiliating to come crawling back, just for sex.
And yet, here I was. And as nervous and embarrassed as I was, I knew I was doing the right thing. Which was strange in particular, because I couldn't even really remember making the decision to come here. For weeks, a vague idea that I needed to see Lily again had been rolling around in my mind. I didn't know why, just a feeling that I needed to tell her something. But each time I thought about what I would say, the whole idea collapsed. And I went about my life. But that morning, in the shower, the urge had been unbearable. The urge to run to Lily and tell her. And for the first time, I knew what I would say. Or, allowed myself to admit what I needed to say all along.
"Well then what is it?" Lily asked, sort of pulling me back out of my mind. She crossed her arms in front of her chest, and gave me a look like she didn't have time to waste, "If you want your former position back, I don't think that..."
"No!" I said firmly shook my head. Lily looked a little surprised and, I think, disappointed. I knew then that she would have had me back eventually, on some terms. She was just staking out her negotiating position.
"Then, again, why are you here Lissie," she said, with actual annoyance for the first time. I took a deep breath, felt my heart hammering in my chest. It was so hard to talk! Lily raised her eyebrows. I wondered if she was going to call the secretary back in. A clock, somewhere, ticked impossibly loudly.
"I lied to you, that day, when I left you at brunch. When I quit working for you," I said, and my heart slowed. The lump in my throat melted. Whatever happened from here on out, I was going to tell the truth. There was no stopping it from coming out now. And that was, in some way, freeing.
"What do you mean, what did you lie about? About wanting to quit?" Lily said, sounding confused. I shook my head again.
"No. I needed to quit," I said, "I wasn't lying about that. And I wasn't just lying to you. I was lying to myself as well. It took me months to realize it."
