Ms. Salazar

It came to pass that when I was 18 years old, I was busted for possession of drugs and sent away to the local juvenile facilities for a term of 3-8 months, depending on good behavior. There would be periodical court appearances to determine whether or not I was completing their supervised Drug Rehab meetings.

In Juvy, as we called it then, there were 10 cells which housed 2 girls to a room. In the room were 2 beds and a barred window, a heavy steel enforced door and an intercom on the right side of the door.

When you were brought in from the intake unit, you passed through what appeared to be a volleyball court that also led into a commons room where some girls were laying down watching TV. As I passed through there, I suddenly became aware that some of the girls were laying with their arms and legs overlapping. One of them remarked to me as I walked by, "Hey sister, welcome to our house"

I smiled at her and felt myself blush. The juvenile advocate ushered me from there to an office where stood 2 womyn. One was approximately 30ish and the other seemed older than dirt. The younger womyn told me to remove my clothing as she moved me into the office. At first I was reluctant to take my clothes off, but than the older womyn put her hands on my shoulders and said that it would probably be wiser for me if I did as the other had suggested.

I must have been stoned out of my head. I don't remember much of what happened after that, but the very next day laying in my Cell, my roommate Debbie told me that I put up quite a fight. This incident put me in good light with the incarcerated girls - however, I could only imagine what the counselors were thinking of me.

I made friends quickly. They liked my sharp wit and sarcastic demeanor. The counselors on the other hand, didn't care much for my wit and often sent me to solitary to let me know.

I saw my mother and lawyer when they would come to visit every other Thursday and on tuesdays, I would see my probation officer. She was a nervous type and I think I made her even more nervous. She used to belch a lot whenever she was in my presence. It was disgusting. I always thought she was in the wrong profession. Visiting with these people always meant walking through intake again. I loved seeing my mom and tolerated the lawyer. I didn't mind the visits from my nervous P.O., because it took me out of the major lock up.

If you were lucky enough, you sometimes got K.P duty, which was helping out in the kitchen before and after the meals. Sometimes I got lucky. One afternoon when coming back from K.P through intake, I saw a girl sitting in a wool coat. Her head was down as she looked at her feet. She had long brown hair and was short in stature. As I walked by her, I said hello. She looked up at me and I saw the most beautiful person I had ever seen before in my life. She smiled and said hello back to me.

A Sheriff in the unit told me 'no talking' and I smiled as I went through the doors that led to the Senior Girls Unit. That night I dreamt of her. It wasn't a sexual dream. It was where I was taking her away from this place. I was hiding her and fleeing. I was going to protect her.

Two days later I met her, after they released her from Isolation. A lot of girls in the Unit knew her from previous time spent there. She was especially close to Kathy, a very funny girl who kept us all in stitches. Her name was C. and she and I hit it off famously. We spent most days reading and writing poetry together. Sometimes when watching a movie she would come and sit on my lap. but the counselors frowned upon that and always told us to use separate chairs.

I was there at that facility for 4 months and then got papers to be transferred to a minimum security center. We both cried when I received the news. She wrote me a letter telling me how much she loved me and how when she got out she would find me and we would be together forever. I believed her. I made it through the other program in 3 months time and was released for being such a good person by the end of my stay.

When I was home again, I started up with my old crowd and soon started using again. It wasn't long before my P.O., whom I still saw every other Thursday, came to suspect that not only was I using, but the rumor had it that I was a lesbian.

I never got a letter from C. and I thought of her often, but didn't have a clue where she had been sent to...it made me sad that there was no way of contacting her. But every night in my dreams, I held her close to me and protected her.

One day I got a call from her. My grandmother gave me the message. She was in a foster home not far from where I lived. I rode my bike like the wind and was soon standing in front of a house out off the Miracle Mile in San Rafael. Nervously I walked up the stairs and before I could ring the bell, she opened the door and flung her arms around my neck. We both cried. I don't think I had ever been so happy in all my life. I kissed her, right there on her porch, right on her lips, and she kissed me back.

It was like everything was all right with the world. It was heated and flushed. It was clear and sensuous. We kept our arms wrapped around the others waist and walked that way down the street. It felt so good just to be looking t her. Seeing her beautiful face...and away from that place.

I asked her if she wanted to spend the night at my house and she said yes and grabbed some things. I told her she should probably leave a note and she said she had. I didn't question her. I believed in everything she was. That night after my mom had fixed a nice dinner, I went in and showered after C. My hair was long in those days and often I dreaded the after shower comb out/pull out that ensued. But this night was better, C asked me if she could brush my hair for me and of course I said yes.

I sat with my back to her and she sat behind me with her legs straddling me. She very carefully brushed my hair and every once in a while she would stop and tell me how beautiful I was. That was really something coming from her. Her heritage was Latin. Her skin was a golden brown, her hair dark like midnight. her eyes large and knowing. Her skin flawless. She had the mouth of a goddess...and she was saying I was beautiful!

I had no use for drugs or artificial stimulants. She was my high. My undeniable high. I never felt so good in my life. I loved her and we were together in my room, sitting on my bed.

She kissed my neck and chills rushed over me like waves across the sand. I leaned back into her arms and felt again as her lips grazed my shoulders. I leaned my head back and she kissed my nose and we both laughed. It was free and easy. It was light and it was peaceable. I was first to pull the blanket back and slip inside, first removing my bed jacket. I watched her as she slowly removed her robe. She said she wanted to make love. I had never made love to anyone before... I was still a virgin, but thought then if ever I was to give myself to someone, it should be her.

It is what I wanted as well, I just didn't know if I was going to do it right. I was nervous, but when we scooted down into the bed and held each other, our small breasts up against one another, I knew something was right. I felt her hands cup my breasts and she bent her head to kiss them. Electricity jolted me. I was suddenly alive. She looked up at me and asked me if I was nervous. I said no and found my fingers reaching for her privates. It was slick the way my fingers found themselves in her wet. I heard her moan, sweet sounds escaping her perfect mouth. I kissed her and she pushed her tongue into my mouth.

Oh My!!!! I wanted to touch all of her at that moment. It was like I was just being born, like I had never lived before. She moved on my fingers as they slid into her. It was tight at first and then somehow made more room as I pushed in and out of her. her fingers as well started playing with my 'sissy'(as mom called it). It was almost uncontrollable the emotions I was feeling.

I started to feel like something was tearing and I said ouch and she stopped for a moment and then told me to relax, but it hurt so much. She stopped and moved her body down mine. I watched in fascination as she stuck her tongue into my privates. I thought I would burst apart from so much feeling, but still she continued. I kept telling her I loved her over and over and still she kept licking me.

I felt myself tickling inside and moved into her face, and then thought I was probably suffocating her and became horrified. I didn't want her to die from all this good feeling. She brought herself back up to me and kissed my face. Her mouth tasted different, I knew it was me...I just never...never knew what to ...O my, everything was rushing through me. She smiled and told me she loved me. I said the same back and meant every word of it. We held each other all through the night.

In the morning she said she was going to the store and would be right back. I didn't see her again for 3 years. Apparently she was picked up by authorities after an A.P.B was issued for her supposed runaway. When she was finally released,she called me and we met in Sausalito. All of the feelings I had were still there, but for C, she had moved on. She met a boy and was planning on marrying him someday. She said the time with me was the most beautiful she had ever spent, but it was just a phase.

Inside I wept. I took all of those feelings and hid them somewhere deep inside of me, but they would surface from time to time and hurt all over again. It was hard for me to see her socially, so eventually we lived separate lives, rarely running into one another.

When I was 33, a mutual friend called me and said that she had run into C and that C wanted to see me again. At first I didn't want to go, but then decided it was necessary to finally have some closure with her.

Funny, she lived 2 towns down the highway. When we arrived she met us at the door with her 6 year old daughter Molly. She showed my friend and I around her house and then C and I stood in her garden and I told her how I felt so many years ago.

She said she was sorry that she ever hurt me. I accepted that, but it wasn't necessary. I told her I never loved anyone like her before or after. She came to me and put her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek and then my lips. One kiss and I pulled away and smiled.

I never saw her after that day. No one knows what became of C... but in my heart she remains my Goddess.