Author's Notes;
This is the third and final story in the Mid-life in Crisis series. Again, due to time constraints, my wife is the only editor for this story. If there are mistakes, I take full responsibility for them. Please remember this is a copywrited work of fiction and all legal disclaimers apply. I hope you enjoy the story.
My first ever Blog entry:
Hello, my name was Joyce Wolford. I really don't know how to do one of these blog things, but my daughter and therapist tell me it will be good to write this down. Two years and six months ago, I would have never thought I would have that much to write about. So much has changed it is hard to know where to start.
I was raised in a good Christian home by loving parents. I did all the things people did back then, before the internet, cell phones, and all this modern technology. We went out and looked at the stars, rode our bikes in the fields, went to movies in safe groups, and planned our weddings as a pack of giggling girls.
I met Richard Wolford at a church function my parents insisted I go to. I was impressed with how focused he was. While most boys were running around and getting into trouble, he knew he was going to Seminary and becoming an Ordained Minister. He always treated me with a distant if cordial respect.
It was at my mother's insistent prompting, that I started dating him. I mean he was a mother's dream. He was a nice, clean cut, polite and respectable young man, when those things were not in fashion. He never used bad language in their presence and never tried to take any liberties while we were out on our dates. It was six months before he would even be seen holding my hand in public. Kissing and other activities were only things you only did in private. He was the perfect date, if a bit boring for my freer spirited self.
The only one who noticed the subtle changes in me was my best friend Bernice Mott. I call her Bernie. We would talk about everything. She was the first one I told when Richard asked me to be his wife. She was the first one I told I was pregnant. She was the first one to know almost everything about me.
Yes, I was a virgin bride. No, I didn't have a problem waiting for him to finish school. If I really think about it, being engaged to Richard gave me a reason to avoid other men. While I was in school, it gave me a sense of freedom. I had my thin platinum ring that would back off any guy who started to bug me. My mother was extremely excited about my wedding. It was the one she always wanted but couldn't afford.
Everything went as planned. My parents couldn't have been happier. They were able to get me married off before I could be tempted in the sexual revolution that was going on at the time. Those were conversations I always hated.
I got pregnant soon after my nuptials. I honestly have to say, I loved being a mother. I doted on my children. Also while I was pregnant, I didn't have to worry about having sex with my Richard. He accomplished his goal, and didn't want to risk hurting the baby.
Sex with Richard was all about him getting me pregnant and keeping God's commandment of not denying your mate physically. That meant that twice a month, in the dark, if I wanted it or not. He would climb into the missionary position, shove himself into me, and grunt until he was done. Other than getting pregnant with my three children, I received no satisfaction from it what so ever.
As he worked through the ranks while becoming a senior Minister, I had to take on more responsibility in the church. At first it was leading the nursery. Then came the Sunday school for women. Next was marriage counseling or single women's groups, to prepare them for a God centered marriage. I had my own money, because I was employed by the church. My money was to keep the house maintained.
Richard had his own account of course. He would give me an allowance from his money to make sure I never got behind in the bills. Other than that, I have no idea what he did with his salary. According to him, it was none of my concern.
This was the picture of my happy marriage. Again, looking back on it, it wasn't so happy. At one time I did feel content, but as the kids grew up and started having their own lives, I was no longer even that. Complacent would be a better word.
Please don't misunderstand. My husband was never overtly abusive. He never hit me or yelled belittling things at me. At best, most days I was treated with cold indifference, as he led his congregation down God's path. In all outward appearances, I was the perfect Minister's wife. I had suppressed the happy go lucky girl, Joy Hampton so far, I didn't think she existed any longer. I suppressed the fact that I always was more comfortable around women. That I never liked sex with my husband, and that I had an opinion of my own.
Bernie was my only friend who didn't know me as the uptight entity Joyce Wolford, I had become. If I am to be truly honest in this blog thing. I have to admit, the only time I felt complete, was when the two of us girls, were doing things together. She was my rock. She was the one who kept me sane when the kids were sick and whining. If I couldn't do something, it was Bernie who seamlessly stepped into my place and made everything right again.
So, what happened two years ago that changed things? Well actually it was a bit farther back than that. Over the previous summer, we had let our daughter, Elspeth; go to an internship camp. This was so she could find her vocation. It was the first time Joy Hampton showed her face in over twenty years.
Joy put her foot down and told my husband that I would pay for her trip. That she needed to see some of the real world, before she was forced to settle down. He was putting pressure on the boy that had been dating her, to propose. I honestly didn't see any attraction between the two, but Richard was sure that David was a good match.
Richard read me chapter and verse about the dangers of the world outside his church and that she would be pulled into vile temptation. Richard believes in the freedom of choice, as long as you chose what he wants you to. Any other options are ungodly, in his opinion
For the first time in longer than I could remember, my daughter was happy with me. We talked and I felt like we had repaired the bond that had been missing since she entered her teenager years. I was so happy that my baby girl wanted to talk to me again. Joy started slipping out more and more. Then she left.
I felt like someone came and carved a huge hole in my middle. The highlight of my day was waiting for her to call me every night. Do you know how saddening it is to know you are fixing simpler dinners, just to get it out of the way, so you can sit there and stare at the phone until it vibrated?
I wanted to fly out and hug her when she called me crying because some old woman who she befriended died. I didn't know what to do about the change in her voice whenever she started mentioning her roommate Amy in every conversation. I about went crazy when we were told that some of the men had tried to assault her.
The first time I actually thought of doing physical harm to my husband, was when he tried to insinuate that somehow Elspeth had brought this upon herself. It was also the first time I looked at my marriage and found it wanting.
Two weeks later, I picked up a very subdued Elspeth. I wanted to smack my husband for being an insensitive clod, with his self centered interrogation as soon as he saw her. I tried to find out what was bothering her, but I despaired. The breach that I thought was healed had just been covered over. All I could do was watch as she tried to come to grips with whatever was bothering her.
The day I stopped caring about my husband, was the day my daughter tried to tell me that she had found someone to love. At first I was happy, and then she said Amy's name. My first reaction was to start lecturing her about the inappropriate nature of that kind of relationship. All the time Joy was screaming that our baby had found someone to love, and like so much of her life, we missed it.
Our discussion caught Richard's attention and he butted in at the worst possible moment. He did nothing but denounce her and kicked her out of my home. Joy finally wrenched her head up and tried to fix it before it was too late. Joy had heard everything our daughter said, and it all made sense to her. Joy knew the loving feeling of being with another woman and feeling complete. Joy cried as she watched her only daughter go into the airport and walk out of her life again. This time it felt like it was forever.
That afternoon, I purged to Bernie. I felt like I would never see her again. I knew she had made her choice and there was no turning back. For the first time in my life, I hated someone. The unfortunate thing was; I was married to him. Joy's heart was truly broken and she didn't know if it could ever be fixed.
I refused to talk to Richard and for the first time in our marriage, I refused him his twice monthly sex. He admonished me about rejecting him and headed back to his own bedroom. I could never speak the profanities Joy was screaming in my head, as he walked his sorry ass out of my room.
That catches you up to a year ago. After much prayer and fasting, I finally started talking to my daughter, not at her. I started to get a glimpse of her happiness. I figured it was time to try and repair my marriage. The stalemate couldn't continue.
Here I have to say that in the past few years, I haven't been inside my husband's church office that much. I had noticed that he had gone through several receptionists since Mary Planters and her husband moved away. I also notice that they were getting younger as each one left or were replaced.
Never expecting to come to the office, I didn't hesitate when I saw the empty desk, to go past it and walk in. I opened the door and saw my husband in profile. What I never expected was to see his young assistant kneeling between his legs, doing something I never would. His pants were around his legs and she had him in her mouth. I didn't utter a sound as I turned and closed the door behind me. They never paused in the sin they were committing.
Mrs. Rittenhouse stopped me. "How is everything? You're looking a bit pale Joyce." Her voice sounded strained and her eyes were wide.
"I'm fine; I just forgot something in my car." I told her and walked as fast as I could out of the building. I headed straight home and made it to my bathroom before my stomach emptied. I remembered what Elspeth told me about seeing a penis and it making her ill. About how she got sick when that boy David, had kissed her. Just thinking about that young girl on her knees doing that... my stomach lurched again. I kneeled there until there was nothing left for me to bring up. Even then, my stomach clutched as tears streamed down my face.
