Rules

Mentor

Chapter 16 - Rules

After Fi left. the morning after Halloween - that would make it All Saint's Day, right? - I texted my boss to tell him I would need to take a half day personal time. I admitted why, that I was sick but that it was entirely self-inflicted. The company and team were flexible, and didn't care how I used my PTO, but I didn't want him thinking I was evading responsibility. Then I set my phone to silent and went back to sleep.

Mid-morning, the remains of the hangover had dissipated, and I was feeling more human. I took a long, long shower, dressed for work, then checked my messages.

Anita: "Sorry I was stolen yesterday. Was hoping to spend more time with Link."

Yeah, I'd hoped for that, too. Especially with my belief that there wouldn't be many more opportunities.

The message was over an hour old. I hoped Anita wouldn't think that I was avoiding her.

Me: "Me too. I wasn't there for long after the twins took you."

Apparently she didn't think I was in a snit, because she replied immediately.

Anita: "I know. Are you busy Sat? Coffee 1pm?"

Me: "I'd like that."

I texted Fi to be sure she'd made it home okay. Her response was terse but not dismissive. "Did. Thx." The thanks made me feel she didn't entirely hate me.

Mid-afternoon, at work, I received another text.

Alex: "So, dating apps hv benefits."

Me: "Especially for Greek girls named Lyra?"

Alex: "GTR."

I puzzled over that for about thirty seconds before I came up with "got that right." Alex's text abbreviations saved so much time...

Me: "Become a Monday regular and you won't need a dating app."

Alex: "UR trying to turn me gay again."

I laughed.

Me: "Damn straight. Uh..."

Alex: "LOL yah think I need instruction?"

Me: "Did L think so?"

Alex: "Nah. K didn't think so either."

Me: "GTR."

Well, why not?

Me: "Wonder if I get a commission for introducing you."

Alex: "Maybe 2 fr 1 night."

Me: "If that's the reward you can take it."

Seems I have my hands more than full with one on one. No need to share that.

Alex: "Might not be 1st time. Except. You know."

Me: "Yeah yeah. Not gay. Also, I don't want to know. 😊"

~~~~~

November was making its presence known with bluster. When I showed up at work that afternoon, there was a strong, chill wind with rain, but as the week wore on, the wind eased and the temperature moderated.

My heart wasn't easing, though. I was getting anxious about seeing Anita for coffee. She must be wanting to talk, and that probably meant something serious.

Probably to tell me about the redhead she'd started dating.

I tried to convince myself that wasn't it. She'd wanted to see me again at the party, before my problematic hookup with Fi. Surely she wouldn't have if she'd been heading home with the new girlfriend.

But then, I didn't think the girl in question has been present on Halloween. Anita may have wanted to party with a close friend, but that didn't change her situation.

It shouldn't be upsetting me. We'd been clear from the start that neither of us was looking for a relationship, and we didn't

have

one, other than as friends. We'd gotten together a few times, and it had been amazing, every time, but it had been strictly casual.

We'd never actually hooked up at Gabby's. It had always been on our own schedule. The rules still applied, though. We'd stretched them a little far, but we hadn't lost sight of them. There had to be no strings between us.

Yet, during the weeks between meeting Anita and her introducing me to Gabby's, it hadn't been the prospect of weekly hookups that had me taking so much more care with clothing and makeup. It had been because I'd be seeing Anita, the coworker I'd had a serious crush on. I could admit that, now.

And it hadn't been thoughts of Fi, or Val, or Danielle that had made my heart race when Anita had leaned over me to study her code.

I'd tried to set my attraction to the lovely dark-haired girl aside when I knew what she was looking for - and what she offered - but I'd never managed to suppress it completely.

When she told me that there was someone else in her life, now, and that our encounters were a thing of the past, it was going to hurt, even though I'd never had the right to expect them to continue. And that was what she needed to tell me. I knew it for a certainty.

So yeah, as the week progressed I had become increasingly nervous.

On Saturday morning, it rained, though not heavily. At noon, Anita texted me to wear a coat so we could sit outside. Which made sense; bad news and frank discussions would be more awkward in a crowded indoor environment.

~~~~~

My phone showed twelve fifty-seven when I arrived at the coffee shop. There was a pleasant floral scent at the counter. Heather saw me standing in line.

"Anita has your coffee," she said. "Hold on a moment." She picked up a cleaning rag, let herself out of the serving area, and led the way outside.

Anita gave us both a small wave. She was sitting at the table furthest from the door, wearing her glasses, the powerful lenses making her eyes look small. Heather returned her greeting with a nod, then wiped down the table and bench so that I could sit across from her.

"Why does Heather seem nervous around you?" I asked Anita, when the auburn-haired girl had returned inside.

"She does?" Anita seemed a little surprised. After a moment's thought, she said, "Maybe it's because of something that happened when she started dating Margot. Something that

didn't

happen, really. She met Margot at Gabby's, but Heather was never a hookup girl. She's been with Margot for as long as I've known her."

"A few weeks ago I asked if you'd been invited to Cyndy's party," I said. "Heather seemed tense, but calmed when Margot said you were bringing a date."

"Margot said that?" My friend's eyebrows rose. "I guess it makes sense. Heather's story isn't mine to tell, but she's overcome a difficult past. Dating Margot changed both of them, and you should ask them about it. I'm sure they'd be happy to share."

"I'll do that," I said. I took a sip of my coffee. "So. Hi?" I said, tentatively.

Anita smiled, though without the distraction of talking about someone else, she began to look as nervous as I felt. "Hi. How was Halloween?"

I waggled my hand in a "so-so" gesture. "Some of it was great. I drank too much. There was this cute grim reaper, though..."

She smirked. "Yeah. And I did look around for Link, but you'd left. There's no way I could have missed you in that dress."

"Leaving was a lapse in judgment," I said. "I'll tell you later, if you like, but I guess it's a good thing that normal Mondays are alcohol-free."

"I see," said Anita, with a knowing smile.

"I don't think you invited me for a Halloween post-mortem, though," I suggested.

"I see what you did there," Anita said, instantly. To my puzzled expression, she said, "Halloween - mortem - death? Reaper, maybe?" I groaned, having intended no such connection, and she continued, "No, you're right. That isn't the reason."

She paused for a moment, staring at her coffee. "When we first met, I told you I'd gotten out of an abusive relationship."

"Yeah, you did," I agreed. "It was a bad breakup, and it's why you avoid relationships."

"One reason," Anita said, with a ghost of a smile. "Also because college is a time to experiment - to not be tied down." She held up a hand. "No, don't say it, not

that

kind of tied down."

"I didn't say a word," I objected, with a weak grin. "Dare I ask - how was it abusive? You don't need to answer..."

"That's okay," she said, "it's been two years now. I have enough distance." She took a breath before making herself continue. "I'd never been in a relationship before Julie. There was a girl from school I'd play online games with whom I liked, but I'd never had a girlfriend.

"When I met Julie, I was this... boring, skinny, flat-chested Chinese-American geek girl with no friend group. She was, like, my antithesis. Gorgeous, blonde ringlets, all-American princess. She had boobs. She was two years older than me. It didn't take much for her to coax me into her bed, and I fell hard. I was sure she'd break my heart and drop me quickly, but she didn't."

She paused to take a sip of her coffee. "I didn't understand it. Her friends didn't understand it. They had nothing but contempt for me. I was in her rooms all the time. Her friends treated me like her maid. Julie would whisper to me after they left, and make everything alright. Except it wasn't alright, I just didn't see it. When she started with the put-downs, they were mild, at first, just maybe implying that her friends were right. Over a few months they became full-on gaslighting, and I really had no idea who I was anymore. I didn't exist except as an adjunct of Julie.

"She'd send me back to my room so that she could have sex with someone else, and then she'd blame me for leaving. If I'd been there, she said, she would have been faithful. And I'd believe her. I think that in her mind it became less about having sex, with me or with them, and more about finding ways to blame me for something. It was..." Anita frowned for a moment. "Twisted. Then in sophomore year, I met Emma." Her face brightened. "It took her a while to figure out what was going on with me, and longer still to persuade me that it wasn't normal. Eventually I broke free. Emma and my friend Allison faced down Julie when I couldn't, and finally got her to leave me alone.

"I was in school-supported counseling for a time, but what helped more than anything was Emma and her lesbian friends, who showed me -

very, very carefully

- that I was my own person, that I was desirable

for myself

, and not because I belonged to someone else, and that I could take pleasure in my own body and my own feelings without feeling guilty, and without needing for it to be any more than that, because I still didn't want to cede control to anyone else in a relationship."

"So, Gabby's for the win?" I suggested, with a grin.

"Exactly," Anita agreed, "though I relied

very heavily

on Emma's gatekeeping for a time. Which is why I was so very comfortable entrusting you to Emma and Tiff, though I didn't really feel you needed the support."

"Maybe I didn't," I agreed, "but I feel they kept me grounded. If I'd had problems, I knew they'd be there for me. So it was a good call."

My friend nodded. "And she never manipulated me with sex," she said. "Emma, I mean. We did hook up, but not until much later, when I was far more comfortable with who I was, and didn't need gatekeeping. By then I was probably seen as one of the club's mentors. So yeah, when Tiff gives Emma a hard time about girls sharing her futon, she knows I was one of them, and she loves me anyway. They are both close friends of mine, and it was Emma finding Tiff that finally helped me understand that relationships don't have to be one-sided and manipulative."

"I think they've been dating for a long time now?" It wasn't

quite

a question, because I knew they'd been living together with Margot and Heather for a time, but I didn't know how long they'd dated before that. "But you said you still only do casual."

"Not finding the idea of a relationship traumatizing isn't quite the same as wanting to be in one," Anita said. "Except..."

"Yeah," I said, knowing what was coming next.

"I've met someone."

And there it was. And even though I was expecting it, and even though I knew I had no right to want anything to be different, my heart sank. My glasses fogged up, and I hoped their cloudiness would keep Anita from noticing my eyes becoming watery.

"A girl?" I asked. God, what a stupid question. I couldn't make myself ask "The cute redhead?" or "Someone I know?", so that's what came out instead.

Anita looked at me as if I'd grown a second head. "Well, yeah, a girl," she said. "I didn't suddenly change my whole nature."

"I know, I'm sorry," I said. "So... what does it mean?"

"I don't want to screw it up," she said. "Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe she'll not be able to accept that I can change. Maybe

she

can't change - or won't want to. Maybe it's unfair of me to ask. God, there's just so much."

"That's a lot," I admitted. "Would you step me through them? If you're okay with me trying to help, that is. Let's break it down. Why do you think you might not be ready?"

"Because I've never been in a non-abusive relationship," Anita said. "I mean, even before Julie. My mother's an abusive narcissist. I had a terrible relationship with her belittling me, ignoring me, and starving me, which is probably why Julie found such fertile ground. I have two older siblings I never see because of her behavior. So I barely had a relationship even with them."

"But you have good friends now," I said. "You have a positive relationship with Emma and Tiff. With Margot and.... well, okay, maybe things with Heather are a little hands-off, but they're not negative. With me, I hope."

"Yeah," Anita said, softly.

Retreating into analysis helped push back melancholy thoughts. "If this girl has any compassion at all, she'll be able to help you through the bumpy parts," I said. "If you think you're ready, you're ready, because you've already turned your back on the negativity of the past. And she'll know that, if you let her in."

"If she knows how many girls I've been with, will she be able to believe I only want her?" Anita asked.

"If she trusts you, yes," I said.

"Seems like that would take a lot of trust," Anita said.

"I'll concede that could be a problem," I said. "I mean,

I

know that you're trustworthy, but if she struggles to believe it, then you're going to feel you constantly have to prove yourself to her, and you're going to be back where you were with your ex. So I guess that part is out of your hands. But let me turn it around. Can you trust

her

not to take advantage of you?"

"I can," she declared, with no hesitation.

"Then even if she has some trust issues, you should be able to work through them with her," I said. "I guess I'm still not sure why you're so worried."

Anita sighed. "She's enjoying her freedom," she said. "I don't know if she's ready to be... to be exclusive. And I don't know if I have the right to ask her to be. She hasn't had the time to build the experiences I have. Maybe she still needs that. Maybe she'd be willing to be in an open relationship? Would

I

be okay with that?" She shrugged. "If it's the only way I can have her, maybe I could do it, but it isn't what I want."

"You haven't talked to her about any of this?" I asked, surprised. If she was dating the redhead already she'd have to know more about her. Maybe it was still very casual. Even so...

Anita shook her head. "It hasn't come up." She said. "We haven't talked about dating."

"Are you ready to?" I asked.

"To date, or to talk?" Anita asked, then shrugged, before I could respond, continuing, "Yes to both, I think."

Her eyes had avoided mine for most of the conversation. Now she looked up and studied me. Maybe it was because her eyes were shrunken by the strong lenses, but I couldn't read her expression. I was about to look away from her gaze when she spoke. "You've made me feel less conflicted about sharing my feelings with her. Thank you, Kayla."

I reached out and squeezed her hand, even as my heart felt like it was shattering. That was the cost of friendship. "Any time, sweetie. You know that, right?"

She nodded as I withdrew my hand. With a small smile, she said, "I'm going to give her flowers when I approach her."

"Sure," I agreed. "I'm sure she'll appreciate that. Are you..." I thought about my recent experience with Fi. "Are you prepared for her to say no?"

The smile left Anita's face, but she nodded. Her voice rasped slightly as she replied. "I think so."

"Then go for it," I said. "If she has any sense..."

She raised an eyebrow, but I didn't add anything else, and after a moment she nodded, and took a sip of her coffee.

How could anyone

not

want to date Anita? I wanted to say that, but it was too much. I didn't want for her to know how I felt. I didn't want her to feel that she was hurting me with her choice.

Maybe it wouldn't work out. Anita was so concerned about the girl's reaction that maybe she had a reason to doubt. It might fall through. But I couldn't hope for that, because I didn't want to see

Anita

hurt. Not for any reason.

Anita studied me again for a few seconds, then stood. "'Scuse me for a moment?" she asked. Without waiting for an answer, she headed inside, squeezing me briefly on the shoulder as she passed.

I figured she'd headed to the restroom, and would be back in a moment, so I took the opportunity to dab at my eyes with a napkin, then sipped my coffee as I waited for her return.

My back was to the door. I didn't turn around when it opened. Since I didn't expect Anita to be returning so soon, I didn't look up, and was surprised when a narrow vase appeared on the table before me. I recognized the gardenias as the source of the faint floral scent I'd noticed at the counter earlier, but much stronger now. They were interspersed with roses. It wasn't a professional arrangement, just a collection of flowers put together by someone who cared.

I looked up into Anita's nervous expression as she stood, hands folded, blinking at me. My sight misted again.

Oh, my God.

"Uh, Kayla?" she began.

"Oh, my God," I said. "Me?"

She nodded, her expression unchanged. I eased myself off the bench, then stood, and pulled Anita into a tight hug. After a moment, her arms slipped around me, tentatively.

She had to have had conspirators to hold the flowers at the counter. I relaxed the hug and glanced back over my shoulder into the shop, to see Heather beaming and Dylan nudging her and pointing. When she saw me looking, Dylan changed the gesture to a thumbs up. I grinned at them both, before returning my attention to the girl in my arms.

Then the tears returned, but for a very different reason. They streamed down my cheeks as I tightened my hold on Anita. "Yes," I whispered. "Yes. I want to be with you. And fuck, no, I don't want an open relationship. I want you. I only want you."

"You mean that..."

It wasn't quite a question. As if she was making a statement that she knew that I

did

mean it, but needed reassurance. So I lay my fingers against her chin, turned her face to mine, and kissed her, her familiar taste blending with the salt of my own tears. The kiss wasn't as long or as thorough as I'd have liked - the weather being what it was, no one else was nearby, at least outside the coffee shop, but we were still in public - but deep enough that after a moment, her hands tightened against my back, drawing us closer together.

I touched Anita's hair as we parted, drawing a wayward strand behind her ear. I grabbed the napkin from the table and wiped my eyes more thoroughly than before. "Yes, I mean that," I said. Then, "Is your car here?"

She shook her head, which was nestled against my shoulder. "Ben gave me a ride, so I could carry the vase."

I chuckled. "The conspiracy grows. Will you carry it to my place?"

"Of course," she said.

Before I let her pick it up, I snapped a couple of photos. One just of the vase, and one with our coffee cups in view. I wanted to preserve my memories.

Then I took a third, of Anita holding the vase. Her smile was soft. The glasses made it hard to be sure, but I thought her eyes were glistening, too.

When we passed through the coffee shop on the way to my car, I detoured to the counter to give both Heather and Dylan a kiss on the cheek. Heather blushed, as always, while Dylan stood with her arms folded, a grin on her face, the glorious tattoo on her left arm on full display.