I have been thinking of writing this for a long time. This experience changed the course of my life so; I want to see it written down. It was the beginning of my junior year in collage and I was taking my first upper level biology course. It required a major writing assignment that we would be working on all semester. It was going to be a research proposal and would require a great deal of reading of the scientific literature in order to understand the project and discover what needed further study. The first step was to go to the library and find the Research Librarian Desk and set up a time learn how to use the research material. This was about 1992 and it was just not that simple to find the needed articles. The Research Librarians were there to teach you how to find the articles and to help you any help you may need.
I found the desk only to discover that it was huge. There must have been 10 or 15 people working there. I approached the desk and was overwhelmed by all the signs posted on how to make so many different requests. I was completely intimidated. Just sort of stood there, lost in all the signs. Suddenly I noticed a woman looking at me from behind the desk. She asked if she could help me. I was still flustered and stumbled through a sentence that I think told her I was taking a class and needed to learn how to gather scientific articles. She said, "oh I see. So you need the introduction tour of the research stacks and the catalogs." Yes I said and was glad she understood what I needed. "When" she said. This flustered me again. I did not know how to answer, but I said "anytime?" She immediately said "How about now?" My mind wanted to say no but she already started gathering things for me. I was hoping for someone that did not make me feel so flustered. I was hoping for someone friendlier and not so intimidating.
She started giving me papers with instructions on them. And request forms of so many types. I really was not following everything. She then had me follow her around the library. She showed me were the various catalogs are and what they were used for. She was going to fast and I could not get it all. Finally, I stopped her. I was a bit abrupt and I think she saw my frustration. "I can't understand everything so fast". She took a big breath and slowed down. She explained that this was just the introductory tour and that I could not possibly grasp it all. Just to follow her and absorb what I can.
She was so daunting when she first started, so abrupt and to the point. Now that she slowed down, she seemed much friendlier and she really made an effort to make me feel more comfortable. She explained that we should make another appointment for tomorrow to start gathering background material for my research. I told her that I did not need to do that yet. Her demeanor changed and she gave me a look that made me feel like a spoiled child. "Just because you don't have to, doesn't mean that it would not be good for you". "When is your last class tomorrow". I said it was over at 3 and she said, "Well then be here by 3:30". I said, "Yes ma'am". I suddenly felt silly. Ma'am? What was I thinking? She was just so assertive that it just blurted it out. She smiled and said "good!"
I left feeling like I was shanghaied. I had no control from the time I arrived till the time I left. I was completely flustered by the whole experience. I felt like I needed to arrive tomorrow better prepared. I spent a few hours looking over the assignment and even outlined my initial ideas. I wanted to feel more in control and less like an idiot tomorrow.
I arrived early and let her know I was there. She seemed busy with someone else. So I set myself up at a table nearby. When she was done, she had me go through what I needed. She then had me take out the papers she gave me last time. Thank god I had organized them and was able to find the one she wanted. She pointed out that it was a checklist on how to use one of the catalogs. She walked me through it step by step having me do most of the work. I understood most it, although she stopped me rather harshly a few times to point out my mistakes. But she was very friendly otherwise and praised me, and even patted me on the arm when I was able to figure out the next steps on my own.
Her name was Ms. Wren. She was 5 feet nine or so, and maybe a tad overweight. She dressed rather conservative. Long skirts, high heals, and button-up blouses. She was a fair bit older than me, maybe in her mid forties'. I decided I liked working with her. She gave me her full attention and made shore I was confident with what I learned. I think this training was going. She scheduled me for appointments everyday that week. It was amazing what I learned. I felt like she was giving me the secret keys to all the knowledge. As I got more proficient she would just give me tasks to figure out. It was kind of fun and she was great at praising my accomplishments. When I got it wrong, she would give me a few pointers and then make me go figure out my mistakes by myself. She would not even talk to me till I got it figured out.
At the end of the week I had picked up everything I needed to know and really did not need anymore training. But I had come to like this part of the library with its tables and big windows. So I did most of my studying in that part of the library. She would always stop by and say hi. We would chat and talk about what I was working on. I loved the way she made me feel like a friend of hers. She was also very serious about me getting my work done. "We can't talk anymore till you get that lab report done". Or, "I am ignoring you till that assignment is done". She was serious and wanted proof before we could go back to, as she put it, goofing off.
I was in the library almost every day. We even ate lunch together on Mondays if she was free. She wanted to know about my goals and my plans for the future. She told me about the trips she had been on. Her ex-husband and her traveled a lot and she described the places she had been. She told me about her divorce and how it was mostly her fault. How she really never loved him and just got married because it was what she was expected to do. This topic seemed to make her uncomfortable and she tried to drop it but I did not take enough notice and asked her more questions about how she felt. I could tell I asked to many questions. She almost looked scared. She eventually told me that she had an affair with a friend of hers. Another woman.
I was stunned at first. I awkwardly tried to say that it happens sometime. I could tell she was feeling concerned. I then tried to reassure her that I did not care that she was a lesbian. No big deal, I new a, lesbian in high school. I was not very convincing I think. In my mind I was realizing that she was giving me all this help and being friendly with me because she liked me. She liked me! That kind of gave me a thrill but it also made me self-conscious. Sadly, that's all I could think about and I think I failed to be as supportive as I should. Eventually, she had to go back to work and I just packed up and left.
I knew I liked girls since middle school. I had crushes on several girls from 8th grad through high school. I never dis anything about it. I always new that it was weird and that my parents would think me sick if I ever touched a girl. My dad in particular would often have negative things to say about those "fags".
