Masturbating To Lesbian Memories

It was close to Christmas break of Jennifer's Freshman year at college. Her 18th birthday had been a few months earlier and when her parents, Samantha and Bill, asked what she wanted for her birthday present, she replied, "Having my new friend Cassie stay with us for Christmas break. She's my very best friend, a Junior and is teaching me so much about college, life at college, and life in general. Please can she stay with us? It'll be my birthday and Christmas present. Also, her parents are traveling and she has no other place to go."

Samantha and Bill really wanted Jennifer to come back for the holidays so they readily agreed, and a few days later both girls arrived. Cassie moved her things into the guest room, which was on the first floor next to the living and dining rooms. As they all had dinner together Samantha couldn't help looking at Cassie and thinking who she looked like. A woman she hadn't seen in 25 years. Samantha's college lover.

Cassie was tall, blond, with the friendliest and warmest possible smile, and extraordinarily pretty in an innocent "girl next door" sort of way. As Samantha continued to think about Cassie, trying not to stare, she also observed the body language between the two girls and started to wonder whether her growing suspicions were real, or just projections from her 25 year old memories involving Cassie's (almost) doppelganger.

Jennifer was a nerd and had only dated a little in high school She sometimes went out on dates with boys but, as far as Samantha knew, was never smitten with any of them. Now Samantha was fairly sure why.

That night Samantha and Bill went upstairs to bed, as did Jennifer, and Cassie went to the guest room. But Samantha couldn't sleep. Because having her daughter and Cassie back from college rekindled old college memories. Memories that she mostly suppressed, and thought about only sparingly. Memories about her life at college, before she met Bill. Memories that she had never shared with anyone. Memories that she rationed for when she really needed them.

Samantha got out of bed in her robe and went to the living room. She got onto her phone and, as usual when she couldn't sleep, started to watch lesbian porn. Almost all women married to men did this, she had read, because lesbian porn was gentler, more romantic and intimate, and the women were more likely to seem to be enjoying themselves. So she was just doing what millions of other "straight" women married to men were doing. It didn't mean a thing. So she had read. But Samantha didn't believe the experts. She thought that all women were a least bi, but had been steered into heteronormality by society.

Samantha reflected that Bill also masturbated to lesbian porn. On three occasions he accidentally (?) left his screen on, and she saw he had been watching lesbian porn. Like most men did. He took a blue pill an hour before they had sex and they each privately watched porn to get themselves ready. Lesbian porn.

She wondered whether he had let her see that he liked lesbian porn on purpose. And, if so, why he had done that. Was it as a way of finding out whether she might be interested in having a threesome with another woman? Samantha had thought many times that she should suggest that they watch porn together before they had sex. But she was afraid he might suggest they watch straight porn, which turned her off. Unless she confessed that she only liked lesbian porn. But what if this made him suspect -- or realize - that she was a lesbian and only enjoyed sex with him when she thought about women?

Regardless, this this time lesbian porn didn't interest her. Instead, memories of her college girlfriend, Beth, came flooding back. The vivid memories of her daring, clandestine, forbidden and so delicious first love. Of the woman who took her virginity. The woman she said "I love you" to countless times, and who said it back to her just as intensely. The woman she promised to love forever and ever, and the woman who told her countless times that she wished that two girls could get married.

But Samantha's memories of Beth were bittersweet because the relationship was so taboo back then that they has to keep it hidden. Samantha often wondered how her life would have been different if she'd had the courage to ....

Back then lesbian marriage was illegal, and she was only 20 when Beth graduated and moved to another city. Twenty would have been too young for Samantha to marry anyone.

But if Samantha had more courage they could have openly lived together as lesbians. So usually Samantha only conjured up memories of Beth whenever Bill made love to her and the lesbian porn didn't do it for her. On those occasions the only way she could come with her husband was to memories of Beth.

Samantha pulled her old college yearbook from the den's bookshelf and found Beth's photo. She was right. There was indeed quite a close resemblance between Beth and Cassie. Despite the passage of time, she had of course correctly remembered what Beth looked like. For a second she even wondered whether Cassie could be Beth's daughter. Their last name was different, but that didn't prove anything.

Looking and listening to be sure neither girl was around or awake, Samantha began to picture Beth, starting with a memory of their very first forbidden kiss. Samantha quietly started to masturbate, picturing Beth's face, her beautiful face, her incredible smile, eyes and lips. The memory of their kissing quickly progressed and Samantha began to remembered how her secret, naughty but stupendous, lovemaking with Beth had been by far the best sex of her life! Her experiments with boys were, by comparison, nothing.

Her first orgasm with another person was with Beth. It had been the only time in her life that she had multiple orgasms. Samantha again reflected that she had changed from a girl to a woman because of her love for Beth.

The first time the married-to-Bill Samantha had masturbated to thoughts of Beth has been many years ago. While Bill tried his best when he made love to her, he was of course only a man. And therefore lacking the beauty, gentleness, sensuousness, and intimacy she needed. So Samantha closed her eyes and pretended she was kissing Beth.

The first time Samantha had done this while she was with Bill she felt guilty. But at least she came, picturing Beth's lovely face having an orgasm. Usually Samantha could come to thoughts of lesbian porn when she was with Bill. But thoughts of Beth worked even better.

Samantha came much harder than normal when she thought about Beth, and this made Bill happy. He of course wanted to make Samantha happy, and Samantha wanted to make Bill happy by coming. So from that time on, whenever she had sex with Bill, Samantha would first try excite herself by thinking about lesbian porn. But if this didn't work she would pretend she was making love with Beth, and she usually came.

It wasn't a perfect sex life. But since women watched, according to Pornhub, two - or was it three? - times as much lesbian porn as men, she knew that millions of married women did similar things.

Beth had sometimes used a strap-on on her, and this had been one of Samantha's favorite ways to come. So with her eyes closed, Samantha did her best to pretend that Bill was a woman -- and sometimes to pretend that he was Beth. Samantha had long since stopped feeling guilty about this because this often was the only way she could come with her husband. Which made both of them happy.

Samantha told herself that Bill was a very nice guy, a great father and husband, and that she loved him very much. But she wondered for the 1000th time what her life would have been like if she could have married Beth instead. The only thing she knew for sure is that the sex would have been much better. But other than that? OMG -- Jennifer would not exist? Would she have had a different child? A happier life overall? She would never know.

Samantha knew that those thoughts would get her nowhere, so she pictured Beth and resumed masturbating. But she found that her image of Beth was turning into one of Cassie.

As Samantha started to think about Cassie she began to hear moans. Sexual moans from the guest room that got louder and louder. Erotic moans, building. Was Cassie masturbating?

But then Samantha heard, "I love you so much. You're so beautiful so soft and sensuous. I love it so much when you kiss my nipples that way. That's it, both nipples at once... OMG, I can't take it any more... And when your pussy makes love to my pussy its the best thing ever. I'm so happy you showed me how much better women are at everything!"

Then.... Samantha heard orgasm after orgasm, in an almost endless stream of ecstasy. Which turned Samantha on more than she had been turned on since her college days. Samantha came quickly, and, for a while, Samantha tried to match the girls orgasm for orgasm. But she didn't have as much stamina as the college girls. So Samantha stopped masturbating and just listened.

Samantha reflected that she felt strange because one of the girls was her daughter. She felt icky similar to the way children feel icky when they hear their parents make love, or even think about it. The same way that some children feel when they even see their parents kiss.

Samantha tried to convince herself that she was listening to Cassie, not Jennifer (even though she knew it probably wasn't true). Samantha briefly thought how, when a firing squad shot a condemned prisoner in a movie, they had a number of people fire at the same time so the shooters wouldn't know who had killed the prisoner.

Similarly, she told herself that she wasn't 100% sure whether she was listening to her daughter or to Cassie, and the uncertainty seemed to make it OK. She told herself that she was listening to Cassie come.

And to Beth.

Samantha's thoughts were interrupted and she got more and more turned on as the girls got even wilder with each other. They sounded like a passionate couple on their Honeymoon. In fact, they made double the sounds a straight Honeymoon couple could make because of course most girls are louder than boys. To Samantha, their "I love you" sounded so much sweeter and more intimate than when a straight couple said them. And they reminded her of what she and Beth had said to each other.

Samantha resumed masturbating and pictured Cassie's beautiful face, and then pictured Cassie naked. Samantha pretended she was kissing Cassie. Pretending she was a college girl sharing a dorm room with Cassie, making love with her. Sweet, tender, endless lesbian love, over and over. Telling Cassie that she loved her, the same words she had said so many times to Beth so many years before. Telling Beth over and over how she wished she could marry her.

Then Samantha pretended she was a Freshman, back in college, but that it was today instead of a generation ago. And that Cassie was her girlfriend. Samantha found herself saying, "Cassie, I love you. Beautiful Cassie, will you marry me?"

Samantha then pretended that Cassie replied, "Yes. Of course I'll marry you. You're my soulmate. I love you more than anything."

Samantha came, saying "marry me Cassie" over and over. With a series of explosions more intense and longer lasting than any she had ever experienced. With the exception of when she was with Beth in college.

Then Samantha thought about the act of actually marrying Cassie, with both of them wearing beautiful wedding gowns. Both of them kissing as the officiant said, "I now pronounce you wife and wife".

Then Samantha pictured herself and Cassie walking arm in arm to their Honeymoon suite. Samantha repeated, "wife and wife" as she continued to masturbate, and came even more stupendously!

After Samantha calmed down from her orgasm she was relieved to hear that the girls were still making love. Relieved because this almost certainly meant they hadn't heard her come.

Bill was a very sound sleeper who, despite Samantha masturbating hundreds of times in the living room or den, often making some noise, had never once woken to her sounds. Predictably, Bill hadn't stirred today.

Samantha decided she was completely satisfied sexually. She then reflected how she had often told Jennifer that she was 100% in favor of gay marriage and gay rights of every kind, and that gay love was just as good as straight love. But she had never gone farther. She had never told Jennifer about Beth. Let alone that she was lesbian and could only come with Bill if she thought about women. Samantha regretted her silence and hoped that it hadn't caused Jennifer very much stress or anxiety by not encouraging her daughter to come out to her.

Then Samantha had a number of thoughts.

First, maybe she had made a huge mistake decades ago by not defying societal heteronormative conditioning and... gay marriage was illegal back then, but she and Beth could have lived together as unofficial wives, and gotten married later. But Samantha knew that she had not been a bold enough rebel back then - or now. Samantha knew herself well enough to realize that she had lacked the courage to follow her heart, instead of waiting for the safe, approved path and marry Bill when he came along.

Samantha also knew that she really and truly loved Bill as her closest friend and lifelong companion, and because he was a great father to her daughter. Even though he was only a man, he was a really good man, a nice guy. And her sex life was OK thanks to her imagination and the availability of lesbian porn on the internet. She would continue to be a lesbian only in her imagination.

Second, she was incredibly happy that times had changed and Jessica would be able to date and marry a woman. Samantha knew that the odds were that Jessica, who was only 18, would not end up marrying Cassie. Very few women got married these days to a woman they met when they were so young. But whether or not she married Cassie, the important thing was that Jennifer had not been brainwashed and hamstrung by societal expectations. From the sounds they were making and the words Samantha had overheard, Jennifer had discovered the ecstasy of woman/woman lovemaking, and there was very little risk she'd settle for marrying a man.

Samantha even started to wonder about such things as - at a lesbian wedding, would the brides' mothers walk them down the aisle instead of their fathers? Regardless, Samantha was happy -- no, ecstatic! - that her daughter could achieve the happiness that the times had denied to her when she was young.

Third, she should find a way to tell Jennifer she was extremely happy her daughter had found love with Cassie. That, far from being upset that her daughter was lesbian, she understood completely. And that it made her feel even closer to Jennifer. And that she was proud that her daughter had the courage to follow her heart.

An easy way to have the conversation with Jennifer would be to tell her that Cassie reminded her of her own college relationship with Beth. How she too had discovered the joys of lesbian sex and romance at almost exactly the same age.

But the tricky part would be over how much to say. What should she say to Jennifer about her relationship with Bill? She sure didn't want to lie and say that Beth was just a phase she had gone through in college, but then she has settled down with a man. This could imply to Jennifer that her mother didn't think her daughter 's love for Cassie was real.

But should she tell Jennifer that she was not bi, but lesbian? And that the love she felt for Bill was very real, but was non-romantic love, inferior to and different from the exquisite romantic love she believed that only two women could have?

Should she admit to her daughter that she got herself excited by lesbian porn before having sex with Bill because otherwise she couldn't enjoy herself? Or that she was now ashamed that she had been too cowardly to be openly lesbian and live with and eventually marry another woman?

Could she just tell Jennifer about Beth, but say nothing more about herself. And add that Jennifer would have to decide whether she was bi or lesbian.

But what if Jennifer asked, "Mom, are you bi or lesbian? How do you feel about Dad?" Samantha decided she would just truthfully say that she loved Bill very much, without getting into the issue of what kind of love it was.

Fourth, Samantha reflected that if she had caught Bill masturbating to gay male porn, it would mean he was at least bi. But Samantha could show Bill that the "experts" said that most straight women masturbate to lesbian porn, acknowledge that she did it, and suggest they watch lesbian porn together. She decided that if they watched lesbian porn together it might make them grow even closer.

And finally, Samantha started to wonder what had happened to Beth. They first had kept in contact, but after 5 or 7 years they lost touch. Should she contact Beth through the alumni association? Did Beth marry? She remembered Beth had really wanted children, so she presumed Beth had married a man. Could Beth have had the courage to marry a woman and get artificial insemination? Were there sperm banks that allowed lesbian couples to use them 25 years ago? Even if Beth had married a man, was she still married?

Regardless, should she contact Beth? Get together with her? Was Beth even the same person she was 25 years ago? Would they still love each other? Should they have a one time fling -- or an affair? Divorce their husband(s) and get married?

Would Bill agree to stay married to her if she saw Beth from time to time with no questions asked about what they did together? Or, suppose Beth moved to be near them and she lived with Beth half of the time? Would it be possible for Beth to live with them as a threesome? Would Beth let him have sex with her? Would Beth agree that, for appearances sake, I could appear to the outside world to be Bill's wife, but in reality I'd only have sex with her, and Bill would become a cuckold?

But Samantha sighed and reflected that she loved Bill and didn't want to hurt him. Samantha knew that she was in most ways -- except sexually -- lucky that she was in a very happy marriage. She had long since settled for masturbating instead of blissful lesbian sex. So she'd be crazy and stupid to risk a happy marriage just for sexual fulfillment and -- possibly but not certainly -- even better love. She was still the risk-averse woman who hadn't moved in with Beth after college.

Samantha's final thoughts were that, because of Cassie's two week visit, Samantha too was going to have a wonderful Christmas! Not just by masturbating furiously every day during the next 2 weeks to thoughts of beautiful Cassie and memories of Beth. But Samantha also knew that Cassie's beautiful image would fuel her sexual thoughts for the future as well.

Samantha also decided she would tell Jennifer about Beth.

And suggest to Bill that they watch lesbian porn together.