Liquor

I checked the clock again for the fifth time this evening. It had moved, even though it moved slightly. I rubbed my temples and got up from my desk. As I walked over to the window of my office I noticed the weather. It was, as per usual, another overcast day in Seattle. Cold as hell out there too. I sighed heavily. It was hard to get in the swing of being in a completely different city and weather pattern after years of living on the east coast. It was even worse having to deal with making new connections, friends, and starting a new job. If I had still been in my 20s I would like to think I would have handled it a bit better. I wasn’t however.

Up until 3 years ago I was in a relationship with a man I thought I loved. I met Ben right at the end of my Junior year in college. He was good looking and kind, nerdy but popular. He was just what I needed at the time, I thought. My self esteem wasn’t the best. While my friends were getting dates and get hammered on the weekends, I would read books and stay in my dorm. And that was my Sunday to Sunday routine. Class, reading, self loathing. Sometimes the routine switched out. Some days I would lay in bed and contemplate dying.

It was horrible. My parents were just happy I even got to college. I was an overachiever until I got to my Sophomore year of High School. All of the pressure got to me and I broke down, and with my breakdown, my grades suffered. I gritted my way through it on the promise of college somehow being better. It wasn’t. On my arrival I quickly realized that being depressed wasn’t “cool” enough. Everyone was happy as hell to be away from parents and lived it up.

Ben saw all of it once he finally got the courage to ask me out. He would see the mood swings and random fights I’d start due to it. And he was always, always so patient and kind with me. I remember at the beginning when I was actually still attracted to him. His thick, curly jet black hair set perfectly around his square jawed face; with it had a set of eyes so dark you could barely see the pupil. Despite their lack of colour they were so, so expressive. When he smiled, they smiled back. When he was worried or upset, the reflected that. His extroverted nature around people got me out of my shell and into the pace of college life. He baffled me. With me, he could sit and do geeky things and out in public he could woo a crowd his way. Me, on the other hand, stumbled early in conversations despite my newfound talent. I wish he would have stayed that way forever.

Looking back at the clock again, I saw that it was finally at the 5 o clock mark. The next thing I knew, I was outside the building and into my car. The chilly air still crept into my bones so I jacked up the heat. It then dawned on me that I needed a drink. Maybe two. Or three. I pulled out my phone and searched for the nearest liquor store. If I was going to get hammered, I was going to do it properly, inside my warm, empty, cozy apartment. With my mind made up and the weekend ahead of me, I pulled out into traffic.

A part of me wondered why I struggled so much. It was pretty enough. Shoulder length black hair complemented tanned skin. Yellow Green eyes to match. My body didn’t sag, or sag yet, due to my age. I kept in shape and ate clean, mostly due to my own accord. My mental health was always a wreck though. Whether I ate clean and exercised or sat in bed and cried all day, it remained. Lucky for me though, I found the liquor store.

Walking inside liquor stores was always an out of body experience for me back home. I walk in, find what I want, and the salesperson gives me this magical drink that solves my problems for a while. And its legal. Beautiful. Walking into this one though, I felt a tinge of shame. This magical drink almost destroyed me and here I was again buying it.

“I guess I’ll never learn,” I muttered under my breath as I picked up a bottle of wine.

Walking up to the counter I noticed a customer griping about the price. Great. Now I had to wait while some grandpa yells at a salesperson for an extra fifty cents off his usual order. A voice came up from behind me.

“Fucking move on already, dude. People have places to be, you know?”

The voice was loud against the otherwise quiet store and its lights. It was deep but feminine, and something in me told me to turn around.

It was like something out of a movie as our eyes met. Her skin was on a lighter side of brown and so were her eyes. She stood about a foot taller than me, and her face was oval shaped; her cheeks were non existent but her cheekbones prominent. To top it all off though, were a set of full, lighter brown lips. Her hair was short and spiky, bleached blonde. She had an eye cocked at my staring. “Ma’am,” she said, and she smiled. It was one of the more genuine ones I have seen. I gathered my thoughts quickly and turned around.

“Sorry, I thought I was alone.”

“Ah. I see. Its pretty dead in here most of the time. Thats the reason I go to this one instead of them one a block over. Full of hippies and other obnoxious folk, and I enjoy quietness and quickness.”

I chuckled at that. She had a country undertone to her Seattle accent, which I chalked up to her moving. Carolinian? Georgian?

I turned around and before I could stop myself, I felt my lips move.

“You arent from around here are you?”

She chuckled at me in amusement. Her smile reached up to her eyes and radiated a warmness in my heart.

“Was it the folk or hippies that gave it away?”

Her eyebrow cocked up again, and she made it seductive somehow. I gulped.

“Folk, I believe. Are you from the east?”

She nodded.

“Carolina girl here.”

I smiled brightly.

“I knew it.”

She looked at me again and turned her head.

“Oh yeah? Im guessing you are a little deeper south than me though.”

I nodded.

“Florida.” She winced. “Wow I was way off. I tell you what though, I went to Orlando once with my aunt for a week and the only thing I can remember about the place was the Chinese food she introduced me to when I was there.”

She laughed at her own joke and it curled the air around us. I didn’t realize it, but we had stepped out of line and by the looks of it had been chatting a while. I smiled at her again and then I felt it. It was like someone tied a rope around us. I felt connected to her, deeply, and If I was reading this right, she felt it too. Her expression changed and her eyes got softer. I opened my mouth to speak but was interrupted by the man at the counter.

“We don’t allow people to hold onto our liquor as an accessory. You want it, you buy it.”

I broke the trance I was in and looked over at him.

I mumbled a “sorry” and I rushed over and put my wine onto the counter and fumbled for my card.

I don’t think I ever even heard what the price was. My mind was suddenly very, very cloudy and I longed to go home. When he gave me my receipt, I almost snatched it out of his hand. I grabbed the bottle, my purse, and walked out in the crisp Seattle air. As I started walking to my car, a familiar voice called out behind me.

“Hey! Hey wait up, yeah?” It was her. I felt my body tense up and stop.

“Look I don’t usually do this but I’m going to shoot my shot with you, If you don’t mind too much.”

I turned my back again and looked her in the eye. Was she flirting with me?

As if my mouth followed my brain the same question popped up. “Are you flirting with me?”

Her eyes narrowed and a smile crept up her face. “I’m not if you don’t want me to.”

I couldn’t help but smile. I was unorthodox for me to approached, especially by a woman, and especially while I looked so awful after a long work day. But here she was, and I had to admit it felt good to be admired. She was hot. Something in me took over and I found myself talking.

“Got your cell on you?”

Where did that bravery come from?

She laughed again. “Yes, yes I do.”

I reached out my hand. She laughed at me and pulled out her phone and unlocked it, and finally handed it to me. I put my number in, my actual number, to her. I handed the phone back to her and she looked like she just realized something. “You know, I didn’t get your name?”

“Miranda.”

She smiled again and I felt my heart speed up. “Well I’m Silas. Nice to meet you.”

She fumbled with her phone and put it back into her jacket. “I think I’ve held you hostage enough tonight. I’ll text you later, if thats okay?”

I shook my head.

“Prefer calls.”

She nodded and walked off.

“Call you then. Have a good night, Miranda!”

As she walked off she laughed. I watched her as she disappeared into the night. And then it hit me. I realized what I had done. Strangely, I didn’t feel scared at all. I felt, for the lack of a better word, validated. Whatever I felt with her was obviously real. She seemed sincere, and by giving her my number she would lead on where we would go. My drive home was filled with thoughts of Silas and I longed for more conversation.

When I finally reached my apartment, I realized just how tired I really was. I didn’t even feel like drinking. Opening my door, I kicked of my heels and put the wine in the fridge, and promptly made a way into my bedroom. I tore at my shirt which was tucked into my skirt. Carefully though. It was silky and expensive. I made sure to take it off slowly and look around my room for a hanger for it. The skirt was next to go. Then came off the panties..

I realized that I needed a hot bath. I walked back into my kitchen and tip toed over the cold marble floor of my apartment. I thought I had done rather well with decorating. The whole apartment had a modern vibe to it that had drawn me to it; I longed to get away from the country clutter that back home was fairly commonplace. I walked over the the fridge, naked, and grabbed a bottle of wine and a single wine glass. Yeah. This soak was going to be one for the ages.

When I got the my bathroom I sat on the edge of the tub to turn on the water and thought of the events of today. Not once in my life had I ever experienced what I felt today. And it was with a woman. I didn’t know why I gave her my number. I guess I was more lonely than I thought. I reached for the bubble bath on the floor and poured a generous amount into the water.

Her age worried me, though. She was no doubt younger than me and I suddenly wasn’t so sure if I made the right decision.

“Why would she be interested in damaged goods?”

I thought. I instantly itched for alcohol and grabbed the wine and glasses from the floor and popped open the wine. I poured myself a hefty glass and sipped a little.

It felt like liquid fire as it went down my throat and my body relaxed immensely. I then proceeded to sink into the hot bath, taking the glass with me. I honestly wasn’t sure what I was getting into, but my life up until this point had been completely monotone. Routine. My brain was screaming at me to take this slow but there was no denying it, even now. I felt safe with her. I wondered what she was doing now and if she would even contact me again. I dismissed the negative thought and took another long sip of wine.

I awoke, naked. How I had gotten into my bed last night escaped me. I didn’t even dream of anything. I was, however, wrapped up tightly in my blankets. As I started to untangle the sheets from around my body and legs, my hand brushed against my clit. It sent a tingle up my belly and I gasped. It had been a while since I had touched myself down there. Ben and I’s sexual relationship was mostly all about him and what turned him on, and oral did really fit in the “Ben package”.

The thought of him made my blood boil. I dealt with too much shit from him. I was raised with the belief that it was the wife who held the marriage together. If her husband was abusive or cheated, it was her fault for not doing what she was supposed to be doing. But the more I did for him the less he cared about me. And I wasted 15 years of my life on him. I closed my eyes and pushed him out of my mind. What replaced him was Silas.

My heart sped up at the vision of her in my mind. I reached down and felt my clit has erected itself. I slight downward motion sent butterflies into my stomach. I laid back onto the entangled sheets and grabbed one of my breasts. I was dangerously close to finishing already but I wanted it to last longer. I dragged my hand down my stomach and teased a finger around my hole. I wondered what our sexual experience would be like. Her body...On top of mine? The thought seemed to send my train full speed ahead. I shoved a finger in and felt my pussy grasp around it. I moved my hips, slowly at first, and gradually increased speed.

Taking a breast into another hand, I grabbed a nipple and squeezed. It pushed me into the abyss and I grunted and came. My body turned into a million nerve endings and I moaned as my juices flowed out into my fingers. My head was in the clouds. My body went limp and I pulled my finger from inside me. I laid on the bed for a while until I was sure that my legs regained feeling. Once they did, I went to the bathroom for a shower.

The water was soothing against my skin. As I washed my hair I wondered if Silas had called me. I grabbed the lavender bathing gel and rubbed it into my skin. It was a different gel than I usually use. It had a very sexy and musky undertone I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Wearing it made me feel sexy. Peeking out behind the shower curtains, I took a look at the clock on my phone. It was 1 pm. I had slept the entire morning away. Under the numbers however, was a call from a number I didn’t have saved

“I called you but I guess it was too early. Hit me up if you wanna talk.”

Silas.

I got out of the shower quickly and grabbed a towel and headed back into my room. The call was at 10 o clock and the text message was sent quickly after. There wasn’t any sort of double texting either. Still though, I didn’t want to keep her waiting and fumbled at my phone until I found the unknown number and called back. While the rings sounded off in my ears, I suddenly felt nervous. By the 5th ring, I wasn’t even sure I wanted her to answer. But she did.

“Hello?”

Her voice rumbled against my ear and my mouth promptly dried up. I managed to choke out a response.

“Hey, Its Miranda. You called me earlier but I was asleep. Sorry. I hope you don’t think I didn’t want to talk.” I bit my bottom lip and wondering if I came off too weakly.

“No, I didn’t think that at all. Listen, I’m not busy today and I was wondering if you wanted to hang out.” I heard voices in the background. Laughter.

“Uh, sure. I’d like that. What place do you have in mind?”

I heard more laughter and the background and heard her tell them to shut up.

“Theres a place near my dorm thats really good. If you want, I can meet you there in an hour?” Oohs and ahhs came from the background and I heard her softly tell me excuse me. The line went mute for a moment, so I could only imagine what was going on. Those people were getting their feelings hurt.

She was a college student and I was 35. This was going to be a disaster.

I heard movement and then Silas clearing her throat. “Sorry again.” She laughed. “Testosterone.”

I nodded even though she couldn’t see me.

“So? Yea or Ney on the outing?”

“I had no idea you were in College.”

She cleared her throat.

“I didn’t bring it up. I hope we could still see each other, despite it.”

She sounded worried.

“If it bothers you, we could stop here. But I will admit I am interested in you. I felt something with you I don’t feel very often.”

Her voice trailed off.

I thought on it for a moment. If the date went well, we would keep seeing each other. How often we would, and what we could do might be limited to her classes and location, but that would come later. If it went bad,

I always had the age excuse. If it went really bad...I think I’d be more upset at myself than her.

“Are you still there?” Her voice quivered a little.

“Yes, sorry. I was thinking. Send me a link to the restaurant.”

I heard her smile. “Sure. See you in an hour?”

“See you in an hour.”

The phone clicked off and I promptly got to work on myself. A date for the first time in 17 years. And even though it was with a college girl, I was suddenly a mess. I wanted to wear something to make an impression. Deep down, I hope she did too. I wasn’t one for going out in public looking unfashionable. I finally settled on an oversized black shirt with a v neck. My jeans were also black, ripped at the knees and thighs, and I chose a brown pair of high heels to match. I combed my hair a 100 times it felt like. I looked at the make up on my counter and wondered if I needed any. I looked at myself in the mirror and decided not to. If she hit on me after a shitty Friday at work, she would like me without makeup on a Saturday.

I grabbed a thick black denim jacket from my closet and put on perfume. It was one I wore whenever I needed to give myself a pick me up. I got compliments on it from men at the office, so I had no doubt she’d love it. I looked at the link she had sent and decided I didn’t wanna deal with traffic. I dialed up an Lyft and waited on my living room couch.

“Fuck I hope this actually goes well.”

The last couple of dates I had been on were so fucking boring. Men. One talked about how many women he was seeing at one time. Ugh.

I heard the notification on my phone that signaled the Lyft arrival. I walked downstairs and into the car.

“Please don’t say anything to me,” I thought.

Not talking to me gives you a good rating. Besides, my mind was focused on my date. As I looked outside the car window, I saw the overcast weather. I really missed the sun.

Once we got to the bistro, I realized that my nerves were acting up again. To top it all off, I was here early. I hope I didn’t look too desperate. Deep down though, I was. Desperate and lonely. I took a seat near the window and pulled out my phone. The place was packed with college kids. Ugh. I had a couple of texts from my boss about some project that was due in about 2 weeks, and a call from my sister. I could really use her to pump me up, so I called her back. The phone rang for so long I thought she wouldn’t even pick up. Before I could hit end though, she answered.

“Miranda! Hi! How are you?”

Her southern accent warmed my insides.

“You have been MIA since starting that new job of yours. God, we miss you so much over here. Mom too. Why did you move so far away?”

I winced.

“It was a change I needed, Amber. I needed a new environment, new apartment, new everything. I also needed my own things. Ben ran everything.”

She gasped.

“Oh, god. You actually said his name. I thought you would never mention him again after the divorce.”

I heard my nephew laughing in the background.

“Tyler, please get down from there. Oh, oh I’m on the phone with Aunt Miranda. Do you wanna say hi?”

I heard him gasp and heard his little footsteps as he got closer.

“Hi Aunt M!”

I laughed. He couldn’t pronounce my name yet, so we just decided to keep my initial.

“Hi Tyler! Have you been a good boy for you mom and dad?”

He laughed and said yes. I took care of him a lot when he was a baby since his mom and dad worked crazy hours. His father was a doctor and was on call all the time. His mom, was a nurse and worked odd hours too. Despite that, they spent a great deal of time with him and made him feel loved. Our parents didn’t do that.

“Miranda, honey, where are you? You sound like you’re at a concert or something.”

It suddenly dawned on me what I was doing. I was about to have a date with a woman. My sister would have a heart attack. She wasn’t exactly a Fundie, but she definitely was a Christian and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to open that can of worms right now.

“I’m about to go on a date. He should be here soon,”