One Friday morning after I'd been with The Company for about 5 years, I stepped out of my office and happened to catch my boss in the hallway on her way to get coffee. I'd been meaning to sit down and talk with her but hadn't had the time, or the courage if we're being honest.
I'd been in my current position almost 2 years and had spent the last year absolutely hating it. I'd given it a good run, but it was just not for me. Sure, there were some things about my job I loved, things I was good at, great at in fact, but those things were not my main job, and I did not enjoy my main job, nor did I feel that I was good at it.
On top of all that, I was the one my boss trusted the most, so I was constantly being asked to take on more responsibility. I say asked as if I had a choice but you and I both know, I didn't. Funny enough, that was the work I enjoyed doing more than my own regular duties. But I wasn't being paid any extra for the extra responsibility or the extra stress, and I was tired. I hadn't even had much of a sex drive lately, and that was just not like me.
I'd been looking for internal job postings but none had gone up for weeks. I was almost at the end of my rope, so I finally gathered the courage to talk to my boss.
"Hey Cate, do you have some time to talk?" I asked as soon as I saw her, before I could stop myself.
Not only was Cate intimidatingly gorgeous at 5' 11" with tan skin, wavy blonde hair and green eyes, she was brilliant. She had multiple degrees in finance and business administration and was one of the most sophisticated and classy women I'd ever met. Having a one-on-one conversation with her about this scared the shit out of me, so when I saw her I didn't give myself the chance to think twice about it.
"Sure Lila," she replied, touching my arm. "Is everything ok?"
"Oh sure, just let me know when you can talk, ok?"
"Ok, just give me a minute."
"No problem."
She stepped into Richard's office right across the hall from mine and closed the door. My heart was pounding and my hands were shaking. I took a couple of deep breaths to calm myself down and went back into my office, completely forgetting whatever task it was that I'd gotten up to complete.
I sat at my desk and tried to work, but I couldn't concentrate on anything. I kept rehearsing versions of the conversation I was about to have in my head, going over the different ways it could go.
It felt like an eternity had passed by the time Cate finally came out of Richard's office, laughing as she emerged and thanking him.
At least she seems to be in a good mood.
I looked at the clock and realized it had actually only been about 5 minutes. My anxiety made time seem to slow down, which was agonizing.
"Sorry about that," Cate said as she came into my office and sat down in one of the guest chairs in front of my desk. "What's up? How are you?"
"Uh..." I hesitated, glancing at the open door.
Taking my cue, she leaned back and lifted the door stop, allowing the heavy door to close. "What's going on?"
I exhaled slowly. "Ok. The thing is, I have taken on a lot of responsibility over the last 2 years. And a lot of stress. And, well..." I hesitated again, taking another deep breath.
"Am I really that scary?" Cate asked seriously. "Well, I guess I need to do some self reflection."
I broke out in nervous laughter. "No! Not at all! Sorry..." I giggled again. "No. It's just that, I don't think this job is for me anymore. But I love The Company and don't want to look elsewhere. I just haven't seen any openings for any other departments recently."
Cate sat back in her chair and raised her hand to her face, touching her thumb and forefinger to her chin. "Ok. I hear you. You are one of the most dedicated and hardworking employees we have. And your job is known for being quite stressful. You put in quite a bit of overtime every week making sure the ball doesn't get dropped and trust me, I see that." She paused, narrowing her eyes while she thought. "We definitely would not want to lose you."
Suddenly my eyes welled up and I burst into tears, completely unexpectedly both to me and to Cate. I was mortified. I could not believe I had just become the woman who cries in front of her boss.
"Sweetie! What's wrong?" Cate jumped out of her chair and came around to my side of the desk, putting her arms around me. "You can tell me."
"I'm miserable," I confessed. "This job is too much for me, for too little pay. I'm anxious all the time. Sometimes I feel a heaviness in my chest, and I've been having panic attacks..."
All of a sudden the floodgates opened and I started to totally unload. I told Cate
everything
, every last detail. I reminded her that when our files had been audited earlier that year I spent hours doing research to prepare, ended up finding an extreme amount of errors, and then spent more hours fixing the errors. I'd worked until 3 in the morning a couple of nights to make sure the files were ready before the audit was due to begin and was in the office again the next day no later than 9am. I gave her other examples of how overworked I felt as well.
I also told her the parts about my job that I love, and how I wish I could do more work like that, exclusively. I told her that I would love to find a job doing some kind of research and data tracking, possibly even quality assurance; I thought it was what I was best at. I told her that part of the reason I was so good at those parts of my job was because I was a perfectionist; in fact I was spending so much time at work, staying late and going in early to make sure things are done right and that everything was running smoothly, that I had barely had time to keep my house clean and that my one Friday night glass of wine had turned into a glass of wine or two every night.
I stopped talking abruptly, afraid I had confessed too much. Cate rubbed my back but remained silent for a moment while my crying eased from sobs to hiccups and sniffles.
"I'm so sorry, Lila," Cate said after a long moment. "I had no idea you were having this hard of a time. You always seem to be so positive and upbeat. We've got to do something about this."
"Yeah," I agreed softly as I sniffled. I grabbed a tissue and wiped my nose.
Cate thought for another minute. "I have an idea, but it's not just up to me, ok?" she finally said softly, turning to look at me. "Let me see what I can do and I'll get back to you."
I nodded, unable to look her in the eye. I grabbed another tissue and dabbed at my eyes, clearing my throat and sitting up straight with my fingers poised over the keyboard as if I was about to go straight back to work.
"Hang in there, sweetie. It's all going to be ok, I promise," she said as she rubbed my back again. "I'm going to do everything I can to make this better for you."
I couldn't speak over the lump in my throat so after a moment of silence, Cate patted my shoulder and walked out of the room, sensitively closing the door behind her.
As soon as the door clicked shut I lost my composure, slumping over my desk and breathing shallowly for a moment, tears silently streaming down my face. Finally I took a deep breath and sat back up, pulling myself together. I resumed my fake typing pose from before, but this time I really started typing.
