For me, coming to terms with what I am was like being born. It was something that happened when I was naked, wet and crying.
I'm not really sure what it was that got me to realizing it. A long string of dates with 'the hot guy' that always left me feeling... well, feeling something. What I'm not sure.
It was in the less than warm afterglow of yet another of those encounters that I was dragged kicking and screaming to the new spa that opened up nearby. My best friend since...hell pigtails, Julie said that my moping was bringing her down and that I was now her prisoner! My shoes leaving skid marks across the parking lot, I was dragged into the place.
Okay I'll admit before very long I was having kind of a good time. It's not often I like to feel pampered. Maybe it because they have a diaper named that?
My nails were done better than I can do them and my feet had all kinds of tools applied to every angle of them. My hair was given a conditioning that was so deep my brain got soggy. Then I was driven in a zombie like shuffle into the steam room.
Somewhere through this lengthy process, Julie acquired a temporary friend for herself. The woman's name was... oh, Sandy something another, it's unimportant. A more helium-headed person there has never been. But the way she looked!
When she stepped into the steam room and saw it was just us three, she let her robe drop, took off her towel and sat back on the warm cedar seats naked as naked can get.
Julie not wanting to be outdone did the same. I felt very reluctant to copy them. Call it a lack of self-love or the fact that I have a good mirror on my bedroom door but I suddenly felt very aware of how small chested, narrow-hipped, and hell, boney I was compared to those two.
Don't get me wrong. Julie's no cover model and Sandy...well, she might be able to get into a men's magazine if she lost a pound or two, but next to me they looked like goddess one and goddess two. I hovered on the outside of their chatter not wanting to be sucked in and lose brain cells.
After doing it twice I had to resist the urge to dip even more water onto the hot rocks... I was wanted to disappear into the fog.
Or maybe hide the two of them from my eyes.
Maybe it was Sandy with her dishwater blond hair, eyes that looked smoky even without makeup, or maybe just the way she moved, but suddenly I became aware of how beautiful they were. Now Julie could snag most man-toys with a shake of her long black hair and innocent looking face, but it wasn't really something I normally paid attention to.
My eyes seemed to acquire a mind of their own in that hot room. I would suddenly notice that they had drifted somewhere they shouldn't be. I found myself paying attention to things I shouldn't have. Like how firm Julie's breasts were when compared to the slightly sagging Sandy's. How small her dark nipples were when placed near the silver dollar-sized pink cones. How narrow-waisted, wide-hipped, smooth-skinned...it was a catalog listing. I could have filed a police report from the description I was taking in. Sexy faces, beautiful smiles.
Shaved, versus unshaved, but so blonde she might as well have been.
I looked up when Sandy's hand covered herself. My eyes met hers and the look she was giving me wasn't nice.
"Well, I've steamed enough," said Julie, getting up. She gave me a smile. "You're looking a lot less mopsey so I hope this did you some good?"
I gave a nod I wasn't feeling.
"Yeah! Go me, me go. BFF to the rescue once again." Julie gave her hands the little pompom routine that she had learned as a cheerleader. Without the gold and green uniform that little move did incredible things to her chest. I had to yank my eyes up to her face by sheer will. "Well I'm for a nice shampoo and blow dry from Ramone and a large glass of red wine."
"Oh that sounds wonderful." Sandy hopped up and put her robe on as quickly as she could. I looked away from her, my eyes on the hot rocks. "Coming?"
Looking back up and blinking I could see in her eyes she didn't want me to. Well she was Julie's new friend not mine. For a second, I wanted nothing more than to make the rest of her day uncomfortable. But then...
"No. I want more steam," I say. I dipped the ladle and let the water slowly rain down onto the rocks, smoky ribbons of water vapor answer up with a hiss.
"Well, maybe it will straighten out those curls," Julie said, shrugging herself into her robe. I tried not to watch her breast give a little shake but I couldn't help it. I felt Sandy's eyes on me the whole time. I could sense...something from her then. I couldn't name it but there was a...
Absently I lifted my hand and slicked back my wet hair.
"Maybe."
As they left I felt the emptiness of the room the second the door closed. Just me and me... and at the moment I didn't really like me. I dumped huge amounts of water onto the stones and sent up a fog so thick I couldn't see anything. That's just what I wanted. Grabbing my robe I curl up onto the wet cedar and cover myself as the tears start to pour.
"What's wrong with me?" I thought as I shivered and held myself tight enough to bruise. My face came to rest on the wet wood and my tears soon made it even wetter.
Memories came to assault me then, awkward dates with guys that didn't interest me. Their mindless dialog about this car, that sport. It was a sickening mixture. But at the same time the gossipy hours of chatter from Julie was just as unbearable.
There was a light in the fog then. Quickly I try to compose myself but failed.
"I saw the condensation on the window. I was wondering if my sauna was broken." The cedar bent as she sat down next to me. "You okay? I'm going to guess no."
Lifting my head, I looked up at the owner of the salon. Her dark skin was the color of coffee with one cream. Her tight braided hair had quickly gathered a spider's web of water droplets from the air. She had greeted us at the door when we came in. She got us the long white robes and our first glass of wine.
The wine... maybe that was it. The wine must have been bad. It had got me all... whiny. I shook my head at the ludicrous thought.
She took it to mean no, that I'm not alright.
How I went from lying down to in her arms being hugged I don't know, but I suddenly found myself on the receiving end.
Maybe it was her arms. Soft and strong, they reminded me of my Mom's. Maybe it was the sweet jasmine scent that hung around her, reminding me of summer. Hell, it could even have been the little wooden beads in her hair, reminding me of the old rattle curtain at my grandmother's house. Whatever it is I simply hold onto her and bawled my eyes out.
Even though she didn't know what I was crying about she understood. Her arms gave comfort, her voice a whisper of not even half-heard words that gave even more. Her hands caressed the back of my head, holding me to her chest. Her chin resting on my head, she gently rocked me as I cried.
How many minutes I just let myself cry I don't know. It felt like forever but I finally stopped. It was at about the same time that I found myself becoming very aware of just how soft and nice my pillow was.
"Feeling better?" she asked softly.
"I think so," I said with a sniffle.
As I sat back I saw her give me a smile. Her lips under a covering of rose colored lip gloss looked so very kissable.
What the hell am I thinking!
Her hand appeared in my view when I looked down and she took hold of my chin. I let her lift it till I was looking into her eyes. I think her startlingly blue eyes might have been contacts, but I wasn't sure. I had never seen blue eyes on a person of her race but she could have been the exception.
"Want to tell me about it?" she asked with a soft tilt of her head. "I'm a stranger. What would telling me hurt? I won't judge you no matter what."
I could hear the sincerity. But dare I...?
"I think I might be a lesbian," I said softly, almost not believing I was saying it.
She slowly smiled.
"Why do you think that?"
