08:09 [EJ] -- You had me at free food. We'll smooth details during the week. Have you seen this?
Not a lot can quell the anxiety that's roiling through my stomach as I scroll through the link she's sent me. My attention isn't on the latest Brexit talks I'm skimming through, it's on meeting this person for the first time. This is all completely platonic, the fact that in the recent weeks I've barely been able to keep her out of my thoughts is completely coincidental. The reason I don't want Becca to touch me, and when she does, it feels all wrong, has absolutely nothing to do with the fact I'm attracted to another woman. Right? All long term couples go through this I'm sure.
I'm too selfish to stop this, too selfish to put an end to a relationship I value. For the first time in years I feel as though I'm being heard and I'm not ready to give that up just yet. So, I'll keep telling myself that this is completely innocent, I'll keep telling myself that this is platonic and enjoy it whilst it lasts.
Ella -- May 27
th
Shit. Shit. Shit. She wants to meet, and for some reason I've agreed. Why the fuck did I agree? This started out as a professional appreciation, I admire the skill she displays when writing articles. When I contacted her to express this I did not for one second think it would develop into whatever the fuck this is.
I can't believe I let it get this far, she has a girlfriend, she's unavailable. But, when I see an unread notification on my phone and I know it's from her; I can't fight the smile that follows. It's pathetic. I don't rely on people, fact. People let you down, people lie and people hurt you. Sophie has been there when she has no reason to be, to talk things through, to listen when I need someone to just listen. She's reassured me, comforted and given me a well-earned kick up the arse when I've needed it. I'm grateful for all of that, but it doesn't help the situation I find myself in.
This attraction isn't healthy, for either of us. I'm almost certain it isn't one sided, but that's not the point. She isn't available, and I'm not interested in anyone that comes with that level of baggage. At least this is what I keep repeating to myself like a mantra in the hope that it'll sink in and actually mean something.
How am I meant to work today with this floating around my mind? Somehow I manage to get ready for work, skinny jeans, dress shirt and an oversized cardigan, my thick, brown hair pulled back into a functional ponytail. I feel as ready as I can be for the day ahead.
During my drive to the office my phone keeps beeping, alerting me to a new message. I try to put them off sometimes, in an attempt to keep some distance between us; but I can't help myself. She draws me in, but sometimes instead of feeling refreshed, it's like looking at the sun for too long. Uncomfortable. But I can't stop myself, I don't want to stop myself -- so I'll keep talking to her, and on Thursday we'll have a short and pleasant evening together. As friends. That's it.
Who am I kidding? I know there's something there, a spark, something that keeps me glued to my phone and excited to check it. I can't be sure it's mutual, but if it is, it can't end well.
Putting all this aside I turn my attention back to the task at hand, messaging Sophie sporadically throughout the day. Neither of us mention our impending meeting again. I'm definitely not going to bring it up, I'm having enough trouble containing the butterflies in my stomach without going over details about our "platonic evening plans"
15:11 [SC] - Everything ok midget gem? You've been weirder than normal today...
15:12 [EJ] - I'll ignore the short comment, yeah I'm fine. I don't know how to feel about the "weirder than normal" remark though?
15:15 [SC] - However you like, look, if you're worried about next Thursday. Don't be. We don't even have to meet if you don't want, I mean, I don't relish the idea of a meal alone and a night on my own in some grotty hotel somewhere. But I don't want you to freak out about something that doesn't even have to happen...
Well, I wasn't expecting that! She's giving me an out, I could tell her I don't feel comfortable with the idea. Or I could lie and say I had plans I'd forgotten about and can't get out of. I sit and watch the traffic on the road outside my office window, wishing for the right answer to appear somewhere. On the side of a bus or on the billboard that's changing intermittently between an advert for the new burger at McDonalds and the must have new perfume from Dior. I really think about what it is I want, what she can't offer me. And I'm hit with the reality that I don't want to lose this opportunity because I'm too chicken shit of the "what ifs" so, as if in autopilot, my fingers begin flying across the phone screen in my hands. I hesitate before I hit send, chewing the inside of my cheek as I reread what I've written and take the plunge.
15:25 [EJ] - I appreciate the concern but it's happening. I know the perfect place, foods good and the drinks are "cheap" a bit like you ;) I get off work on Thursday at 3:00 but we could meet at six at your hotel? Have a couple of drinks and then head off to the restaurant.
She must've been waiting for it, because as soon as it's delivered it quickly changes to read, and then the three dreaded grey dots appear. I leave my phone at my desk whilst I busy myself with the photocopier, it's going to do me no good to sit and watch my phone screen for the next ten minutes. I can hear it chime from across the office floor, I've gone past the point of no return now. I need to ignore the hammering in my chest as I make the short trip back and pick up my phone.
15:38 [SC] - How about, and say no if you feel uncomfortable, but what if I pick you up from yours and I drive to the restaurant. I can't drink as I have an early start the next day so we may as well save ourselves the hassle of getting taxis?
Holy shit. My mouth goes dry, I can hear the blood rushing in my ears and I'm almost certain my cheeks have gone a wonderful tinge of red.
15:40 [EJ] - Only if you're sure. I'll send you my address closer to the time.
What am I doing? Why am I agreeing to this bizarre arrangement? I should say no now before it gets too far. But the thought of an evening with her is too enticing, my adrenaline spikes and for the first time since this morning, I allow myself to feel a little excited at the thought of meeting this beguiling woman for the first time.
Sophie - June 3
rd
"So, you're going to be away over night?" Becca asks again, as if the first three times I've answered this question wasn't good enough and she needs further confirmation. I bite back the sarcastic retort that's burning at the tip of my tongue, knowing that it won't do either of us any good to spend the night arguing.
"Yeah, sorry babe. It might be two nights depending on what time I get done on Friday. Disciplinary's are a nightmare when there's upper management involved and they require HR's presence." I explain as patiently as I can muster as I fold up a pair of jeans and sit them in my overnight bag.
I glance up in the mirror that hangs on the wall above our bed and see her standing behind me, her arms crossed over her chest defiantly. I recognise the determined look on her face, the way her brow is knitted above her blue eyes. She isn't happy, and she's not going to be happy until she gets her own way. "And there's no one else that can go instead?"
I shrug and walk around her to the dresser behind where she's stood and take out some pyjamas, underwear, along with all the other little bits I may find myself needing and take a moment to shrug nonchalantly at her "No, Gina went last time and Ben is on annual leave. It's one night, two tops Becca. What's the problem?"
I regret the words as soon as they've left my mouth, Becca has a temper and the one thing I don't want to do now is do or say something that's going to set her off. I pause before precariously meeting her gaze, perhaps glare is a better word for the way she's looking at me right now. The girl is practically seething, animosity flows from her in abundance and I swear the temperature in the room actually drops a couple of degrees.
My phone decides now is the perfect time to start beeping incessantly and I pray to God, Buddha, whatever Devine fucking being there is up there that she doesn't ask who it is. "Sophie, the problem is you're always at work. When you're here you're not really here. I'm not the only one that can see you'd rather be anywhere but with me and instead of sticking around to sort this shit out. You're always on your phone, and now you tell me you're doing a fucking disappearing act too... where exactly is it you're going and who is it you're always messaging?" I watch as her jaw tightens after the words come out, my mind draws a blank as I try and figure out how to answer her.
I blink dumbly a few times and swallow thickly, my throat feeling tight all of a sudden, the walls in this room suddenly feel as though they're closing in on me. I try my best to ignore the way the familiar feeling of anxiety creeps through my body, my chest tightens underneath the weight of the half-truths I know I have to tell her, "Edinburgh and no one of importance, just work things." I answer quietly, I ignore the way my heart goes rat-a-tat in my chest at the thought of what exactly awaits me in Edinburgh. I clear my throat and run a hand through my shoulder length brown locks "I'm going to Edinburgh. And I'll be working the whole time." A lie, but she doesn't need to know about my dinner plans with Ella. I watch as she digests this and take the risk of moving forward and taking her hands in both of mine "Bexy, I don't wanna go" another lie, I've been looking forward to this all week "And I know things have been tough with us recently. But, how about when I get back we book ourselves a mini weekend away somewhere? I hear Paris is gorgeous this time of year?" I'm pulling out the big guns for this, she's been dropping hints about going for months.
It appears to have worked though, her eye sparkle at the mention and the crease above her brows soften "Paris? You promise?"
I nod and pull her closer to me, using the slight height difference to my advantage as I encourage her to nestle her face into my neck. Winding an arm around her waist, I let the fingers of my free hand run through her hair "I promise. In fact better than that, why don't I leave you my credit card and you can book it for a few weeks' time. Friday to Sunday. I just need to the dates to let work know."
Becca pulls her head away from my chest and pushes her lips against mine firmly, I can feel her smile against my mouth and I know in an instant I'd done the right thing. As much as I love this woman, she's fickle and easy to please. I've always found her short attention span frustrating but, right now, I'm actually quite grateful for it. "I'm going to go open a bottle of wine and run us a bath" she murmurs against my lips "You're going to get some good loving tonight Soppie, so you know just what you've got waiting for you at home." I nod, and try and force my mouth to pull up into a convincing smile. Becca's hands smooth out the creases in the front of my shirt, lingering at the top of my breasts before she drops her hands to her sides.
