Joanna stopped by my desk on a Friday afternoon, three weeks after the cabin weekend.
"Rachel, I want you to meet me at the club after work so we can have a drink and talk. It’s important. Can you be there by six?"
She just stood there, staring at me.
"Ok," I said.
The "club" was just what we called the closest bar to our office building. Joanna and I sat at a small table and ordered drinks. When they arrived and we’d had a few sips, she said "Rachel, I felt bad about something that happened when we were at my cabin."
I felt a flash of anger. I had mixed feelings about what had happened. Some of it had been fun and intensely erotic, but later I had regretted allowing myself to be pushed around and used like a rag. I hadn’t spoken to Joanna since.
"You should feel bad about a lot of things that happened at your cabin," I snapped.
"I don’t feel bad about what happened. I feel bad because I lied to you. I want you to know that I won’t ever lie to you again."
"Why don’t you just never speak to me again? That would solve the problem."
"The truth is, I disconnected the wires to the cameras while you were sleeping, and hid the video recorder and the tape before you got up."
"You’re lying!"
"Rachel, calm down. Think! There’s a lot at stake, for you. Don’t do anything foolish. If you get up and walk out of here now, I’ll come in early one day next week and leave copies of that tape laying all over the office."
"There is no tape, Joanna!"
"Do you want to see it?"
I just stared at her.
"Come on, let’s go watch it right now. My apartment is only 10 minutes from here."
"I’m not going to your apartment with you."
"Rachel, you’re not thinking. You have to know, don’t you? Your career depends on whether I have the tape or not. It’s a simple matter to find out, and there’s only one way you’re going to know. Don’t challenge me on this, Rachel. Don’t make me do something I don’t want to do. Now finish your drink."
This is a nightmare, I thought. Here she was, ordering me around again, in that same tone of voice she’d used at the cabin. As if were a little girl.
I did finish my drink and then leave the club with her, though, because she was right--I had to find out whether she had the damn tape or not. Maybe she hadn’t copied it yet. I didn’t know what to think.
We drove to her apartment in her car, went in and took the elevator to her floor. As soon as we were inside her apartment, she locked the door and turned around. Then she stepped toward me and slapped my face so hard that I was knocked to my knees.
Stunned, I held my hand to my stinging cheek and just looked up at her.
"Don’t you ever talk to me like that again!"
I burst into tears.
I can’t put into words everything I went through in just the first few seconds, in Joanna’s apartment. The sound of the door being shut and locked sent a shudder through me. I suddenly realized I was trapped. I was alone with Joanna again, as alone as we had been at the cabin, for all practical purposes. At once, I felt helpless. If there was going to be any clash of wills, I had no chance.
There had been a time, before the cabin weekend, when I’d thought of myself as an independent woman, self-sufficient and free. But laying on that sofa with Joanna, suckling at her big breasts while she cooed to me and called me her baby…well, I’d loved it. It felt wonderful. Even the other things she made me do, ordering me around like she was the mother and I was the child who had to obey--there had been something joyful about that, too.
But later, back in the city and away from Joanna, I started to rethink things and have mixed feelings. I felt used, and the fact that I had enjoyed any of it caused a lot of confusion. When I realized I was alone with her again, the mixed feelings and helplessness and confusion returned. But only for a moment.
Because in the next instant, on my knees, my cheek hurting, emotion rushed through me like a river that swept away everything in its path. My confusion was gone, the mixed feelings were gone. I was overwhelmed by feelings I hadn’t had since I’d been a little girl. The world suddenly seemed to be a different place, a simpler place, a more peaceful and beautiful place. Maybe it’s the way a child sees the world, I don’t know.
The strongest thing I felt, the thing I knew for sure, was that Joanna loved me. The way a mother loves her child. And that I had been bad. I had been a bad girl, and I deserved to be punished. She was right to put me in my place, and my place was right there, on my knees in front of her. I couldn’t understand how she could love me so much when I was so wicked.
"I’m sorry, Joanna…I’m sorry."
"Why don’t you just never speak to me again," she said, mocking my words. "Sit up! Look at me! Brush that hair away from your face. I’m going to slap you again. Put your arms down."
As soon as my arms were down she slapped the other side of my face, not as hard as the first slap.
"Sit up straight! Did I tell you to stop looking at me?"
I looked up at her, and watched her raise her hand. She slapped me again, only I managed to keep my eyes open and to keep looking at her that time.
"That’s better. You called me a liar, at the club. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"I’m sorry, Joanna."
"You goddamn better be!" She slapped me twice, once with each hand, rocking my head first to one side and then to the other. I didn’t pull back or raise my arms. I held my face up to her and tried to hold still as much as I could. My eyes were full of tears. She slapped me twice more, once with each hand, before continuing.
