It wasn't until I met my wonderful husband that I realized being a bisexual woman was completely fine. All he ever wanted was for me to be me...and I am so very lucky that he has been right by my side while I walk the path of discovery. It's been over twenty years since a version of these events occurred, and I am still discovering new things- with him right next to me!
*
I grew up in a rather conservative family. I remember once as a teenager I mentioned bisexuality being the best of both worlds and my mother snapped back, "Absolutely not. I understand that some people are confused, but they need to make a choice. A person is either gay or straight." My mom wasn't against people being gay; however, my dad was not a fan. He was not a bible thumper or compared homosexuality to the devil's work But he did believe that men and women are supposed to be with the opposite gender. With all of that said, as a teenager I assumed I either had to be gay or straight. Well fuck. I didn't know. And not knowing led to a lot of internal conflict.
When I was nineteen, I met Ryan. I was a freshman in college, and he was ten years my senior. Of course, he thought I was way too young, but over the course of time I broke him down. Eventually, he decided to date me. I was so taken by Ryan, that for a brief moment, I forgot all about my sexuality struggles. I knew in my heart that he was the man I was going to be with.
One night Ryan and I were waiting to be seated at a fancy restaurant. A woman and her
husband walked in and stood near us. I leaned over to Ryan and commented on how pretty I thought the woman was.
"Do you find all women attractive or just this one?" he inquired.
Without even thinking, I replied, "I find women in general beautiful...I guess." Even though we had only been dating for a few months, Ryan and I had developed a close bond. He knew me very well, and for some reason his response changed the course of our lives.
He said, "You know you can like both."
"What?" I was taken back. I was told that you can't like both, and now I'm being told I
can. It didn't matter if Ryan told me the sky was green or purple - I would have believed him. So it was at that moment that I realized I could be bisexual. When we got home that night, Ryan continued to ask me about my feelings for women. So often men hear "two chicks," and they are ready to get their rocks off. Ryan wasn't that way; he was truly trying to help me find myself.
"Ya know Molly, it's totally fine if you find women attractive or even if you want to be with them sexually. That's normal."
"But I love you. I want to be with you."
"I don't doubt that for a moment, but the two don't have to be exclusive. You may be with a woman and realize that you are not bisexual. You may realize you will never be happy unless you are with a woman. Or you may simply learn that it could be fun here and there. But you owe it to yourself to figure that out now at twenty and not at forty."
"But I don't want to figure it out with you," I said. As a young, inexperienced woman, I was not going to do anything without Ryan by my side. "Besides..." I started, "I don't even know how to go about this or how to figure this out."
"How about if we ask Lisa to come over." Lisa was Ryan's good friend at work who also happened to be married to Tamara. "Lis can help give you some things to think about. I mean, I can help, but you may actually want to talk to a gay woman about all of this." I thought Lisa was a lovely woman, but she was Ryan's friend- not mine. It would be awkward.
"Will you be there? You won't... like... drop me off and leave me, will you?"
"Ummm. No. How about we invite them over for dinner. You good talking to Lisa with Tamara there? Or you want Lis alone?"
"I guess they can both come over. Can you talk to Lisa before though, so she knows what's up."
"For sure!"
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Back then I was a really serious college student who spent most of her time at the library, so Ryan and I didn't have a ton of time to talk about Lisa and Tamara coming over. One night I got home late from the library, but Ryan was still awake.
"Hey, sexy buns. How was class today?"
"Long. I have another paper due next week. Holy heckin' hay! It's so much work." I curled up next to my man.
"Does that mean you are too busy to do dinner this weekend with Lisa and Tamara? I've been talking to Lis, and she's totally cool coming over. We can have dinner. Hangout. Have a few drinks...not for you. You're still a baby."
"Holy shit. You mean...she knows...you told her I was bi?" I whispered my question. Why? I don't know. Maybe I wasn't ready for anyone to know my sexuality. Maybe I wasn't ready to admit it to myself. Or maybe I was just being over dramatic.
Ryan whispered back, "Yes. She knows. And guess what?"
"What?"
"She doesn't care...nor does anyone else for that matter."
"Trust me. My parents will care. My friends will care."
"So is that a no to dinner?"
"No...I think that's cool. We can have them over." At twenty years of age, my cooking was nothing to write home about, so I told Ryan that we would just order pizza. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and reassured me that everything would work out just fine. (Fun fact- we've been married for nearly twenty years, and he is still correct...everything works out)
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When Saturday rolled around, I was pretty nervous. The only person who really knew my inner desires was Ryan, and now I was about to talk to two women who I only sort of knew. When Lisa and Tamara showed up, they quickly put my mind and heart at ease. They brought with them ice cream, which has been the solution to all of my problems my entire life. As we ate pizza, we made small talk about how I was doing in college. Since Ryan and Lisa worked together, they talked about their job. Lisa and Ryan are pretty close and have a lot of inside jokes and stories that Tamara and I were oblivious to, so we sat there and listened.
