Kat smacked her hand down on the kitchen counter. "You lied!"
"No, I kept you in the dark."
"Withholding the truth is still a lie, Jenna!"
My resolve was slipping at the sight of tears on her face, but I lifted my chin. "I was protecting you."
"Well, we both know how well that worked out, don't we?" She snorted and crossed her arms, looking away from me.
"When you calm down, we can discuss this rationally." I palmed my keys off the decorative hanger on the wall and grabbed my jacket off the back of one of the dining room chairs.
"Jenna Swallow, don't you dare walk out on me!" Kat screamed.
A shriller, childish wail echoed her and then continued piercing the air. Essie.
I gritted my teeth and shut the front door, making my way down the front walk to my car. Ever since we'd added to the family, I had insisted Kat park in the garage. It was a shorter distance and provided protection from the elements while getting in and out of the car. Most days, I didn't care about our arrangement. I'd parked on the street back in Chicago. But right now, I wished I didn't have to walk that trek because it was pouring.
The cold, spring rain drenched my hair and shoulders before I could get my jacket on. I could barely see through the tears I'd finally let loose, as it was, and my head was pounding as hard as my heart. Only one thought kept going through my mind.
I have to get out of here. I need air.
Katrina Swallow was my world. I'd never felt so blessed in my life to have her by my side. And I'd never have thought that I'd be here right now. All those years without her had seemed like I wasn't living.
Yet, at this moment, I couldn't be around her. Not when she wouldn't see reason.
The car door slammed a little harder than I'd intended. And I feared I may have left tire marks at the curb when I shifted and stomped down on the gas pedal. It was a wonder I didn't hydroplane.
I had no idea where I was going. I just drove. Up one street and down another. Usually, the beauty of Northampton's scenery calmed me. But nothing registered right now except the pain in my chest.
We rarely fought. When we had argued in the past, we had never yelled at each other. It was crushing to my very soul that something like this had escalated to that degree...and so quickly. The dreary sky matched my miserable mood. Textbook depressing.
After a while, I pulled over at a park our family frequented for various events. I needed to just sit. Think.
I was suddenly wishing I was back in Chicago and could go to Maggie's. In the five years since we'd move out east, I'd not especially missed the bar. I had Kat now. And my sister and Joanie and the clubs they introduced us to. But there was something about Maggie's that just couldn't be replicated. I felt comfortable there. Accepted. Respected. And if I needed to disappear on my own for a bit from the rest of the world, I knew I could do it there, despite Brad's threat that a sad-looking lezzie in a bar like that could mean open-season if one weren't careful.
That thought process made me cross my arms on the steering wheel and lean my chin on my arms while I watched rivulets of water on the windshield, distorting my view of the park. Maybe it wasn't Maggie's I was missing. Maybe it was Brad. He'd always been there to lend a mostly-unbiased ear to listen to me vent. I didn't have anyone out here to go to for advice. Someone I trusted who wasn't directly involved in any of my relationships.
My mind's memory vaults opened, and I recalled my first night with Kat. How she'd tried to be so strong. Confronting Danny. Cracking jokes in the emergency room. Subtly flirting with me after I got her back to her apartment. Once I'd realized what she was doing, I had been so nervous. She was the one and only person I really wanted in this world, and it had taken twenty years for us to be together. I had been most afraid that I would screw it up. I'd been pleasantly surprised by how well she had accepted having sex with a woman...with me.
It had only gotten better as the days had gone on. Weeks had turned into months. There had been no doubt that we'd go to Tuscany. The honeymoon trip had been nonrefundable, and Kat had been adamant that we use it for ourselves, screwing over Danny. I had been excited about that trip. I'd known it would give me a chance to show her yet another world I was familiar with.
I cringed, remembering how I'd not told her the extent of my overseas experiences. She'd been ticked then, too, when she'd found out. I sure had gotten off on the wrong foot with trying to impress her...and later protect her.
When I'd walked in on her and Lucio, the delivery man, in the villa's kitchen... I had never truly understood the saying "seeing red" until that moment. I'd thought leaving Kat by herself would give us both time to cool off from her meltdown. Even though Lucio had been quick to explain all was not what I'd assumed, the damage had been done. I couldn't take back my words. After he had left, I'd realized I was projecting my previous lovers' actions onto Kat. They'd all left me. Subconsciously, I guess I'd assumed it was only a matter of time before she did, too. I just hadn't expected her to cheat on me first...especially with a guy.
We'd kissed. Made up. Things had seemed to be back on track when we'd headed home. I'd thought the surprise stops in Florence and Paris would please her. Instead, Kat had spent most of the time on a rollercoaster of emotions. Especially when I'd disclosed the extent of my time I'd previously spent in the country...when I'd suggested we spend a day apart in the city of love. But she'd managed. Found a vault of strength within herself. And as a result, we'd explored a deeper side of us as a couple that had been oh, so delicious.
It was getting stuffy in the car. Thankfully, the rain had stopped. It was much cooler outside with a breeze, but it felt good on my warm cheeks. I walked the nearest path that meandered through a cluster of trees. On the other side was the perfect place for my next thoughtful spot.
The benches of the amphitheater were wet, but my jacket was long enough to protect me from whatever water I couldn't brush away. As I sat and stared at the empty stage, I tried to remember each of the concerts we'd enjoyed. But there were so many, they'd all pretty much run together. Even so, they'd all been fun times. Lots of laughter shared. The snuggling under the stars while listening to good music. Just being together.
One night stood out among the rest. It had just been Kat and me at the time. The day had been cool, and the threat of rain that evening had kept most of the usual crowd away. I'd surprised her by recreating her little stunt on the trip back to Florence after our two weeks in Tuscany. Except instead of on a moving train, I'd pleasured her from under a blanket while we were sitting alone in the back corner of the outdoor stage, the rest of the audience oblivious while they listened to a summer concert.
Thinking of music, there was the first time we had gone out on a fancy date. The event at Excalibur Club. I'd always considered Kat a sexy woman. But that night, she'd openly embraced her relationship with me in public. Standing up to Danny at the restaurant. Seducing me on the dance floor. That had also been the night she'd finally said we could both enjoy her first piece of jewelry. When I'd ratcheted up the bondage factor. I'd been in such awe of her that evening, I kept asking myself how I'd gotten so lucky. I still did on a daily basis.
Then there was the Christmas party at Maggie's. I'd been looking forward to celebrating the holiday there with Kat for months...and equally bummed when she had said she'd rather spend it somewhere more private. Don't even get me started on why I thought it was a good idea to suggest we do a nude exhibitionist scene at the club. I was so glad she'd put the kibosh on it from the start. What she'd planned behind my back had turned out even better. I was speechless and extremely turned on when she'd appeared on stage in that skimpy Santa Claus-inspired outfit and did a pole routine, complete with a partial striptease. She'd accomplished what I'd been unable to put into words. She was showing off in her own way...because she'd wanted to and was comfortable with it. Not because I'd requested it of her.
I had already been planning to propose on Christmas Day. Sleep had come so hard once we'd returned home from the party. Even after our relaxing bath, I had kept envisioning her sexy little dance. How she had impressed me with the way she'd handled the run-in with Lauren and Celeste. But I'd eventually drifted off with her snug in my arms, and Kat had made the magical morning even more perfect by saying she'd be my wife.
My breaths shuddered more and more now with each memory. A chill seeped in from the breeze that picked up and sent my mostly-dry hair flying about my face. I wrapped my arms around myself, both for warmth and for comfort.
Sure, we had our share of bumps along the way. Pleasant surprises mixed with unexpected situations. Any relationship had that. And we came out better on the other side. We had become stronger as a couple because of our experiences together...not in spite of.
But had I gotten complacent over time, expecting us to be invincible? Become more of a mother to her instead of her partner in some ways? Feeling the need to protect her by keeping information from her, thinking she wouldn't be able to handle it?
The clarity I had found wasn't anywhere near what I had expected this trip to provide. When my stomach rumbled, I saw that it was well after two o'clock. I'd stormed out of the house late this morning. I had been so absorbed with my thoughts I'd missed lunch. That was at least one problem I could solve.
With a deep sigh, I made my way back to the car, cranked on the heat, and drove to a little dive bar I knew was nearby. Kat and I had bopped in with Essie a couple of years ago after the Fourth of July fireworks. It had good food and would let me get out of my damp coat for a bit, because I wasn't ready to go back home yet.
There were few cars in the lot. A good sign when you wanted to be alone. Inside, I found a table in a dark corner, placed my order, and then hunched over my beer. Trying to shake off the shivers was easier than shaking off my worries about the reason for our fight today. Why I was out in the rain in the first place.
I had about a quarter left in my glass when I heard a deep voice.
"Can I buy you a drink?"
"I'm sorry. Thank you, but—"
"I'm not interested in dancing. It's just a drink."
I started to ask what the heck he was talking about when the chair next to me was pulled out. A broad-shouldered woman with buzzed blonde hair and wearing a plaid button-up shirt tucked into jeans sat down.
"My name is Susie."
