How do you know? How do you know that love is enough to keep something alive? How do you know that you're in love with someone? How did I know I loved you? Maybe it was the sparkle in your eye. Seeing your face light up. Knowing what you're thinking before you even say it out loud.
We were lovers before we were friends. We tried our hand at being friends and eventually I lost her. To someone else. The girl is the epitome of the persona I want to be. Nice, caring, completely unselfish.
For a while a long while I try to stay away from you. For my benefit and yours. I can't do that. Something in me just draws me back to you. No matter what bad has come between us I'm always drawn to you. It's baffling. I've never quite been able to put my finger on it. Even when both of us were with someone else, we would still pass each other and glance. That look we so often gave each other was a look that we knew all too well. The look of pure, primal lust. The look of longing for the other, because it's been too long since we've touched or talked. The look of "I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I still do and I can't help it." The look of "do I even want to help it."
She's been teasing me all week. The first afternoon I've really talked to her in months. I haven't been able to hold any sort of conversation with her other than "Please leave me alone I can't do this anymore." Only because I knew when it came to her I was weak. I am weak. She makes me weak. The looks, the way her tongue moves when she talks, the sweet things she does for me, going out of her way...she makes me weak. Back to the afternoon. I put it out there that we should catch up. I knew once I said it that that was it. I was already hers. She knew too, but couldn't admit to me or even herself I'm sure. I told her to meet me after I got out of class. She picked where. I waited where she told me. When I saw her, I knew that was it. I knew that no matter what, no matter who was involved or going to get hurt from it I needed her. She half-smiled when she saw me not entirely sure what to really do. I could read her just like she could do me. We knew each other too well. She was excited, but who could blame her? So was I. I stand and I half hug her being awkward. She held out her hand.
"I brought you some candy from my mom's office. I know how you love your candy."
"Thank you. You didn't have to." I said shyly. But I knew even though I was trying to be shy my face lit up. She had to have noticed she always does. We walked in silence for a moment and then came the small talk. How are yous and how's school going even though it was syllabus week. It was always enough for us just to be around each other. We took the long way and cut through the grass. Walking by a room with an open window we heard some moaning. In my head I'm thinking lucky them. It has been so long. She was the last person I was with. And we stopped talking after that for a while. Her voice was so beautiful when she was excited. "Did you hear that?!"
"Yeah." She goes back to listen. "Chels stop you're being nosey." She starts walking again."Maybe it was a porn." I just laugh and say maybe. I try to hide my thoughts even though I know she can read me like a book. I didn't have to say anything for her to know what I was thinking. I slide my card to open the door for her. She walks in first and the door hits me. "I'm sorry I should've held it for you I didn't think. Are you okay?" Meanwhile, I'm dying laughing, trying to brush off that it actually hurt a little.
"Yeah I'm fine it's okay really," I say jokingly. She touches my arm where the door hit.
"Are you sure?" "Yeah I'm okay. Thank you." I smile.
I think "Fuck she touched me and it sent shivers down my spine and it was only a light touch." She does that to me though.
She could just look at me and I melt. It's horrible. She's not even mine anymore. She's someone else's I shouldn't even be thinking like this so I try and stop. I unlock my door and open it and check to see if my roommate is there. She isn't. Surprising because she's always in here. We sit on my bed and I apologize for the mess because I haven't unpacked yet. She doesn't mind she knows how I am. I kinda shift stuff around while she's sitting on my bed. I decide to leave it and I turn and just look at her. She's beautiful. Not your usual beautiful though. Not supermodel, hair down beautiful. Just simply beautiful. She's kinda like a tomboy. Nike hat, hair up in a ponytail, athletic clothes. Looks like she's ready to go to the gym. But she's beautiful.
Her eyes are my favorite. Like they peek into my soul. Her freckles, how she always looks so soft. I've been staring for too long. I join her on the opposite side of my bed. We sit semi far away from each other simply, because we know that if we don't we'll be tempted. Our self-control combined is honestly slim to none. Sad but true. Especially when it comes to each other. We talk about how things have been lately. Our break from school. New jobs. Just catching up. Something we try not to do. It's not, because we don't care. It's just we know ourselves too well and decide it's better to not do it. Keep temptation away. We've been bad for each other hopefully it's changed. We know a lot more now about each other and about ourselves.
When we broke up, I was in a really bad place. Drinking everyday, in class, everywhere. I got kicked off the dance team, because of drinking. I would stop doing my work. I would go out every weekend and get so fucked up to point I was just mad and I would lash out at everyone. I just let it consume me. But drinking was the only way I could numb the pain. I was so hurt, but we had been bad for a long time. Arguing all the time about dumb shit that could've easily been avoided. I don't know why I still don't know why we did that to each other. I loved her. And I didn't want to lose her even though I already had. I saw it coming long before it happened but that didn't make it hurt any less. It still hurts which is why I try not to "catch up." It puts a strain on both of us and puts us both in a bad situation.
She snapped me out of my thoughts again. "I'm not gonna lie. I miss you ash." I instantly want to cry. These words hit me like a ton of bricks. I never expect them when she says it.
"I miss you too chels."
"I really do. I still have feelings for you." Fuck. I just look at her. She starts talking again. "You don't have feelings for me? I know I shouldn't but I can't help it."
I just look at her dumbstruck, not knowing what to say. Trying to think of my words before I answer. She looks a little upset now. "Not even a little?" I still just look at her all dumb like I'm a deer in headlights.
"Fuck Chelsey I do." The words hurt me to even say. Mainly because I haven't admitted them to anyone. My best friends. Her. Or even myself. Until now. I try to shake the feeling, but I can't. I try to tell myself I don't and that her being with someone else doesn't kill me. Somehow thinking of her with someone else and thinking that she's not even thinking of me makes it easier. But she just flat out told me the opposite.
I look down because I can't bear to look at her face right now. Not because I don't want to but because I know I'll want to kiss her. Every time we have an intense moment like this I want to. Every time we put something out there that we shouldn't I want to. The urge is killing me and I see her bite her lip and I almost lose it. Here's the part I hate. The thinking if there weren't other people involved we could do this and not hurt anyone. Except ourselves in the end. But of course it's never that easy. There's always something that's in the way. And we always have to make that tough decision.
"I think about that too." It's like she can read my mind and she automatically knows I'm thinking about sex. Our sex together is just simply everything. We know all of each other's spots and exactly how to get to them. We drive each other crazy.
Our first time together was just so amazing. I didn't cum and I didn't pleasure her but that wasn't the point. We had held off for so long and we just couldn't wait anymore. We were in my bed kissing and moaning. And she just pulls away and looks at me. She wants to. She's been wanting to. But the moment is finally here where we are actually going to do it. "Are you sure?" I was breathing so hard I could barely speak. I shook my head and managed to get out an extremely soft and raspy "Yes." We starting kissing each other like it was the last thing on earth that would save us. She goes down to my neck and I almost cum right there. No one has EVER been able to kiss my neck like she does and actually get a reaction out of me. But she did. I moaned and said a few "Ah that feels so good." I don't know what turned me on more that she could do it or that it was just because it was her doing it. She got me out of my clothes kissing me everywhere and just stopped and looked at me.
I thought something was wrong. Shaved? Check. Lotion? Check. What could be wrong? She said, "You're so beautiful." I melted against her and kissed her soft pink lips.
I pulled back and whispered, "I want you." I did though I really did. She rubbed on my pussy lips and eventually found my clit. I was shaking and It didn't help that I was so nervous. It felt so good. When she slid her finger inside me it felt like the best thing that had ever happened to me. She went it in and I took in a lot of breath. I heard her say "Ah baby you're so tight." She hurriedly asked me if I was okay and I furtively nodded my head while biting my lip. It felt so good I could barely contain myself.
I snap myself out of lala land. I had it bad. She looks at the time on her phone. "Do you have to leave?" I ask.
"No not yet I don't want to leave yet." I check and it had almost been an hour.
"I left work to come talk to you." She says. I think about her girlfriend and how she'll wonder where she had been for an hour. She stood up and I sit up on my knees to wrap my arms around her. I get lost in the hug. The smell of her is enough to make my pussy tingle.
"You have a package at the post office."
"Well I'll just leave with you now to get it." I was excited my new glasses had finally came in and my optometrist's receptionist didn't even tell me they were in.
"It won't look good if we leave together." She does have a point.
"Well I'll go get food from the caf and I'll text you when I'm on my way down there. But I think it should be fine if we walk together." She nods in agreement.
I send the text a few minutes later saying, "I'm on my way," after we go our separate ways. She's standing behind the counter with my box. She looks at all the boxes of food I'm carrying.
"Are you sure you're going to be able to carry all of that? How about I bring you your glasses later?"
"Really? Thank you so much." I said with a smile.
Later that afternoon, she told me she had my package. So I get up to go downstairs to let her in.
"I can't stay long but here you go." She hands me a bag and I can see my glasses box, but there was also deodorant and a package of my favorites cookies from Subway. I had mentioned earlier that I forgot to bring my deodorant from home and needed to go to the store. I start to smile. "You didn't have to do that."
"I know it doesn't even come close to making up for what I did to you. But you said you needed deodorant and I just remembered you liked these." I smiled again as she said this. She had always done little things like this for me and I never noticed how sweet they were until they stopped.
I keep going back to all the bad that's happened with us. Then I always start to think about the good. The things that made us laugh and smile. The way we looked at each other. How we always wanted to be around each other.
I decided to call her. I wanted to convince her of how much I wanted her. We had done it before. Each time I felt horrible. But during and before I felt like it was exactly what we needed. After our phone call, she had decided to come over. "Don't act like that." She said.
"Act like what?" I questioned.
"Like you're not trying to fill a void with him." I gulped. Took in what she was saying. Her face was centimeters away from mine. I had been talking to this guy for a while. Doing exactly what she said. Trying to fill the void. Trying to get her out of my head. Being with a guy was what I needed to do. What was good for me. What everyone wanted and expected from me. But I missed her. I wanted her. I never stopped.
"What makes you think that?"
