On The train journey home for the Christmas break all I could think about was my first few months away from home, away from the dominance of mother and how I'd changed. Grown up was more like how I felt as a woman, not only losing my virginity but also the pleasure I'd discovered with my Jennifer. Now I was in for about eleven days of boredom, or so I thought at the time. Little did I know how that was going to change.
My first surprise was my Mother and her reaction to my appearance, walking in on her in my make up looking like a young woman should, but after a welcoming hug held me at arms length and looking at me said something like, "well well look at you, all grown up now." She did not seem angry or upset, just said it in a matter of fact tone.
Christmas Eve I spent in town doing some last minute shopping, and ran into school chums I'd known, and they all seemed surprised at my appearance. Of course I was pleased with their remarks once they realized who I was, telling me how different I looked.
We had Christmas dinner at home with a couple more relatives joining us as well as Emma, who mother had invited as she would have have been on her own otherwise, so she was more than welcome. When Emma first saw me she stopped and stared saying, "wow look at you, you left home as a little girl and have come back as a full grown woman?" I was so pleased to see her too as we gave each other a welcoming hug.
We had exchanged gifts and finally sat down to dinner, it was wonderful in the candle light and during dinner mother had another surprise for me, allowing me to have a glass of wine with the meal. After I cleared the dishes away, (some things never changed with my mother) I could join the others and I was offered a glass of sherry, she had bought some for the festive season for everyone to enjoy. Sitting round the fireplace and sipping sherry made me feel really good, the first in a very long time at home with Mother and my Aunt.
Emma would occasionally look at me and smile as if she was still finding it hard to believe how different I looked, I knew she was happy for me, and as I told you I'd always liked her growing up for her treats like sweets etc. As mother wouldn't approve of me getting too many sweets Emma would smile and quietly say something like, "this will be our little secret", or "no one else needs to know" in a way that made me feel special.
I always thought she had Spanish looks, a big boned woman with Jet black hair an ample body and very pretty expressive eyes, during the evening she often made eye contact with me and I thought they were sparkling, but the wine was probably making me think that.
During the conversation Emma, as a school teacher was also off for the duration, and said she was going to re-wall paper her living room, and as had happened so many times before mother spoke up and offered my services to help her. Emma protested she didn't need any help, but mother insisted saying it would give me something to do during the holidays. In a way I didn't really mind as I liked Emma, still it would have been nice if I'd been asked by her rather than having mother making my decisions for me.
It was to be another day before she was to begin stripping off the old wall paper, so it was arranged I'd be there to help her. That first morning I got up early and threw on an old blouse and skirt and digging out my old bike rode over to her house. Emma met me at the door, took my coat and hung it up before ushering me into her kitchen where she insisted we should have a cup of tea first.
I sat at the table while she scurried around pouring the tea before dragging up a chair to sit close to me. I could see she was excited as she took my hand in hers and started talking to me. Now I'm not going to pretend I remember exactly what she said to me after all these years, so what follows is how I remember it.
Clasping my hand she said something like, "my my look at you all grown up now and so pretty, hard to believe the difference only four months have made."
I told you we had written to each other every week and told her about losing my 'maidenhead' to Derek, now she raised that and asked me to tell her all about how it happened. Sitting that close it was embarrassing, but she wouldn't give up till I told her all about it.
Next she asked about Jennifer and insisted I tell her all about her. I had written a lot about Jennifer over the weeks and didn't realize how much I'd told her about Jenny in my letters, and now holding my hand between hers pressed me for more details of our friendship. I danced all around the intimacy part but I couldn't fool Emma, I realized later she had read between the lines in my letters to suspect there was something going on between Jenny and I.
Now sitting so close to me and I could see she was excited as she hung on every word I said, pressing me for every detail when at last she asked me if I loved Jennifer. I think I said, "of course I do, she's my best friend there," and Emma went on, "no dear, I mean did the two of you really love one another?" Sitting so close together there was no mistaking what she meant, only I didn't know how I should answer her.
Caught unawares at the boldness of her question I looked away and kept silent, and in so doing I gave her the answer. Putting a hand on my cheek she turned my head so she could look me in the eye said, "that's OK Rosalyn, lots of girls love one another and you are so pretty dear, who could blame her." I felt so ashamed, here was this Teacher who I'd known all my life, probing me for my darkest secrets. Now she had her chair right up against mine and put an arm around me giving me a big hug, just holding me for a moment then kissed me on my cheek and brushed my hair away from my face.
Now she was whispering, "that's OK dear lots of us women have done that, nothing to be ashamed of, it's good to love a friend all the way like that." I didn't know what to say to that, she was holding me so close, cheek to cheek and brushing my hair with one hand then I felt her other hand on my knee. Intimidated, embarrassed or what I don't know, she had been my friend as well as my mentor for so many years, I just sat there not knowing what to do.