"I'm sorry, but sometimes opposites don't attract," the words played over in Paula's mind in endless repetition. She stared at the blank monitor, trying not to focus on the ghost from her past. Her ex-lover was draped over Paula's memory like an everlasting overcast. She longed to feel the rays of hope, but none shone through. The sun beams that once colored her life were now smothered by the grey clouds of the recent past.
The cursor waited patiently for Paula to type new words. It cared not for the emotions behind the words; only the context, just like Lexsie. Paula pushed the bridge of her glasses up, while awaiting the next wave of sentences to crash upon her conscience. Right now her muse was like a lake that had been drained of all its water. The cursor didn't mind; it could wait forever.
"But sometimes opposites DO attract, Lexsie. Don't you want to find out if it's that way with us?" Paula remembered pleading to her girlfriend. She remembered gazing into those hazel eyes, disguised masterfully by blue contacts. She remembered feeling that dyed blonde hair, a landmark in the art of Lexsie's deception. Paula smiled to herself bitterly at how important the superficial world was to Lexsie. How come something as genuine as their love couldn't be as important?
"Come on Paula, this isn't helping," the young woman encouraged herself to push those thoughts behind her and focus on the new character. She gave her head a little shake to clear her mind. The waves in her dark brown hair shimmered as it reflected the morning sun that was peering through the window.
A smile spread over Paula's face when she saw the how sunny it was. In an instant, the steadily flashing cursor was forgotten. She quickly freed her legs from the chair and slid her feet into her suede sheepskin-cuff slippers. As she stood up, the cashmere blanket fell from her naked body. The mirror across the room caught her eye and she stopped to admire the milk-white skin of her curvy figure. The sight of her bush, which hadn't been trimmed in several days, made her frown briefly. Messy strands of hair draped over her large breasts. Since Lexsie had left, there was just no incentive to keep up appearances.
However, she still enjoyed enveloping her naked body in her favorite vanilla cashmere queen blanket. Lexsie had given it to her on her birthday and it was easily her most cherished possession. The distinguished scent of her lost lover was still on it, although it faded more with every passing day. She wrapped it around her snugly and then moved over to the window for a better look at what the morning offered.
It was like stepping into an oil painting of a classic autumn day. More than half of the crisp leaves had fallen from the branches of the dying trees. The sidewalks were decorated with splotches of red, orange and brown. The occasional light wind swept at the leaves, rearranging their chaotic patterns. The only clouds in the pale blue sky appeared as light smudges.
"Gorgeous," the young woman whispered to herself pleasantly. Her brown eyes glistened as the sunlight bounced off of them playfully.
Being a small town, the street in front of Paula's house had very little traffic. This made it easy to avoid feeling too self-conscious about walking in front of windows wearing nothing but an expensive blanket. So it was perfectly natural for her to let out an "eep!" and duck down when she suddenly saw a woman walking down the sidewalk in front of her.
After waiting a moment, Paula slowly lifted her head up to see if the woman had yet moved on. Ready to drop in an instant, her eyes darted nervously to scan the street. There! The woman was definitely lingering; her head was angled high as if she was observing something in a nearby tree. The woman had her back to Paula, so she could only see her long, blonde mane that cascaded on her heavy grey coat. Intrigued, Paula shifted her head in order to follow the woman's gaze.
"Chirp chirp!" the sound came from the direction that they were looking. Many branches concealed the birds' location, but their whimsical melodies made their presence unmistakable.
"Have they been singing the entire morning?" Paula wondered. She silently scolded herself for being so wrapped up in her own depression that she couldn't even notice the beautiful things right in front of her. Realizing that she was letting her guard down by becoming lost in thought, she quickly lifted her eyes again. But it was too late; the mysterious woman was gone.
* * * * * * * * * *
After a humbling breakfast of fried-turned-scrambled eggs and burnt toast, Paula decided that a shower would be just what she needed. She set her blanket by the heater so that it would be nice and warm when she was finished.
Everything in the world that made any kind of sound either had tone or rhythm, or sometimes both. Paula always found herself looking for these things. 'The music of the world', she called it. The water that emerged from the shower head pattered rapidly on the shower floor. As she slipped in under the cascading streams, the water kissed her neck and its pitch changed. Paula closed her eyes to envelope herself in its soothing tone.
Paula's imagination projected Lexsie's ghost in front of her. As long as her eyes remained closed, the memories remained vivid. She recalled with fondness how they enjoyed washing each other before lovemaking. It was a kind of unique foreplay that Paula had never shared with another woman. Paula's hands became Lexsie's as she ran her fingers through her hair and massaged her scalp. Her lover's touch was always filled with a commanding allure that Paula could not resist.
She took the liquid soap and smeared it all over her chest. Suds began to form as she slowly lathered her slick breasts. Lexsie always seemed to take great pleasure in watching Paula's eyes become unfocused as she kneaded her rosy bosoms. She teased her nipples, enjoying feeling them grow firm.
With her eyes still closed, Paula watched her lover come closer to kiss her. Intoxicated, she leaned forward to meet Lexsie's lips. The emptiness of the air before her caused her to open her eyes in disappointment. How could a memory be so convincing? She dropped her hands and let the water wash the soap off of her body absent-mindedly.
Lost in thought, Paula rubbed the towel on her legs vigorously. She reminded herself that the purpose of the shower was to refresh her mind, not indulge in fantasies that would make her sink further into sadness. She paid no attention to her reflection as she brushed her hair, as she was to busy resolving to focus on her new character. Before she knew it, she was back in front of her computer and cuddling with her blanket.
"Ok, you little brat; why won't you tell me who you are?" Paula questioned the blank screen in front of her. She took a sip of the freshly-made coffee and thought again of the blonde woman she had seen earlier. Plenty of people had walked passed her window at one time or another. However, to her knowledge, no one had ever stopped to admire the birds before. What kind of person would do such a thing? Perhaps someone who refused to let the frustrations of the world wear her down. Maybe the woman was financially independent and did not have the normal daily burdens like everyone else.
Paula smiled to herself, for she realized that the ambiguity of the woman had sparked her muse. The author's curiosity was giving her plenty of ideas for her new fictional heroine. The faceless, blurry figure in her mind began to take a more distinguished shape.
Excited, Paula quickly looked up a series of names to give to her new imaginary friend. After browsing through several, she finally decided on 'Nadia'. It had a Russian origin and meant 'hope'. To Paula, the meanings of names were just as important as how they rolled off one's tongue. The young author was quite disappointed when she found out that her name meant 'small and humble'. She had always considered herself to be weak in both body and mind, but seeing it translated as such was discouraging. That's why she needed a main character who represented something brighter and stronger. 'Hope' was an ideal definition for her woman's name.
Though Paula had made a vow this morning to not look at the clock at all today, she was very aware of each minute at they slipped into the past. The rays of sunlight were gone, blocked by an endless wall of grey clouds that stretched to every horizon. The wind had an unmistakable chill that told her that it would soon be raining. Reluctantly she forced herself to get up and close the window.
The foreshadowing of the weather had dampened Paula's spirits and she found herself wondering where Lexsie was at that moment. She was probably in some office several stories high in some random tall building next to other tall buildings. There would no doubt be a very large window that she never bothered to look out from. Their last conversation echoed hauntingly through Paula's head.
"Why does success have to be so boring?" Paula pouted.
