Amira Delmar, a vision in skin-tight Versace that left little to the imagination, surveyed the teenage chaos erupting on her manicured lawn with a mixture of disgust rivaled only by the throbbing between her thighs, a reminder of how long it'd been since she'd closed a deal in the boardroom... or the bedroom.
Today marked her daughter Skylar's official entry into adulthood -- or at least the legal right to vote, buy lottery tickets, and star in barely-legal porn. All of Palm Haven's elite spawn had descended like a swarm of Gucci-clad locusts, each determined to outshine the others in a dazzling display of privilege and poor decisions that made Amira's clit throb with jealousy.
Everywhere she looked, overprivileged teens were peacocking their #blessed lives and taut, nubile bodies. Instagram wannabes preened by the infinity pool, their silicone-enhanced pouts more inflated than Delmar Industries' stock after a hostile takeover, bodies contorting into poses that would make a Kama Sutra master cum in their pants.
A wave of existential dread -- and a flood of wetness between her thighs -- washed over her as she noticed a young couple locked in a lip-lock so intense, they could single-handedly cause the global warming crisis to skyrocket with their body heat. The boy's hand disappeared under the girl's skirt, eliciting a moan that carried over the thumping bass and made Amira's nipples stiffen painfully against the gossamer-thin silk of her Versace slip dress.
The DJ booth, manned by a scrawny kid who probably moonlighted as a SoundCloud rapper, blasted beats that made Amira's eardrums beg for mercy. It was the auditory equivalent of being trapped in a washing machine with a dubstep playlist on repeat -- though the rhythmic vibrations sent an unexpected tingle through her core, making her wonder if she could discretely grind against the speakers without anyone noticing.
As another tray of suspiciously green 'mocktails' floated by, Amira snatched one, wishing it was spiked with something stronger than kale juice and regret. She knocked it back like she would a shot of tequila before a board meeting, her mind drifting to the flask of top-shelf whiskey hidden in her home office -- right next to her collection of high-end vibrators.
She'd weathered nearly two decades of Skylar's teenage typhoon, but this party might just be the final nail in her sanity's coffin. At least the neighbors would have something to gossip about at the next HOA meeting -- a small consolation for the impending migraine and the ache between her legs that refused to subside.
A fleeting thought crossed her mind: Would anyone notice if she just slipped away and found a quiet corner with something stronger than these kale concoctions? Maybe she could finally put that discreet vibrator in her purse to good use...
As if summoned by the collective power of a hundred filtered selfies, Skylar materialized beside Amira, her face a thundercloud of designer discontent. Her crop top barely contained her surgically enhanced cleavage, a sweet sixteen gift that had cost more than most people's cars.
"Mo-om," Skylar keened, her voice a masterclass in privileged distress, "this party is, like, the Fyre Festival of Birthdays. No, worse--it's the Titanic, but instead of Leo DiCaprio, we get DJ Kale and his EDM tribute to a washing machine's spin cycle. And don't even get me started on the lack of hot guys. I swear, if one more trust fund baby tries to motorboat me, I'll scream."
Amira's eyebrow arched so high it threatened to disappear into her hairline. "Sweetie, this little soirรฉe cost more than your father's midlife crisis corvette and his last three mistresses combined. What exactly is the problem?"
Skylar's lower lip jutted out like a collagen-injected speed bump. "Dakota's dad snagged Post Malone for her bash. Post. Freaking. Malone. Meanwhile, I'm stuck with Soundcloud rejects and mocktails that taste like lawn clippings had a baby with Kombucha." She pouted, unknowingly mimicking the same expression that had gotten Amira out of many a speeding ticket and into more than a few officers' pants.
The Cougar Queen bit back a laugh that threatened to shatter her Botox. "And here I thought hiring Beyoncรฉ to sing 'Happy Birthday' was passรฉ. Silly me." Her eyes couldn't help but wander to a group of shirtless boys by the pool, their tanned muscles glistening in the sun. She felt a familiar warmth spreading through her body, imagining those young, eager hands exploring every inch of her...
Skylar's gaze narrowed to laser-like slits, a look that typically heralded a tantrum of biblical proportions. "You're so last century. My life is over. O-V-E-R. Like, even my emojis are crying! And stop eye-fucking the pool boys, Mom. It's gross."
As Hurricane Skylar stomped off, presumably to drown her sorrows in a gluten-free, dairy-free, joy-free cupcake, Amira muttered, "If only teenage angst came with a mute button... or an off switch. And maybe an instruction manual for these new tits of hers."
Despite this, a rogue wave of melancholy washed over her as she watched Skylar vanish into the sea of overpriced outfits. Soon, her little drama queen would exit stage left, leaving this gilded cage empty, with Amira as the sole, fabulous inmate. The thought sent a shiver down her spine, pooling heat in her lower belly. She'd be alone, with nothing but her toys and memories to keep her warm at night...
But before the sultry matriarch could dive deeper into her existential crisis, fate intervened in the form of a neon pink volleyball, launched by some muscle-bound surfer bro, hurtled towards her silicon-enhanced assets. Thanks to reflexes honed dodging flying objects during her toxic marriage, Amira pirouetted out of harm's way, her fake tits barely jiggling but her thong riding up in a way that made her gasp.
She executed a hair flip so sultry it could make a nun question her vows, followed by a "tsk" dripping with more judgment than a Conservative politician at a drag show. That's when she locked eyes with the Gen Z embodiment of calculated defiance emerging from behind a nearby palm tree. Suddenly Amira's libido went from zero to "call my lawyer" in 0.5 seconds, her panties dampening at the mere sight.
This girl was Palm Haven's version of edgy -- about as hardcore as a pumpkin spice latte with an extra pump of vanilla, but to Amira's touch-starved body, she might as well have been a sex goddess incarnate. She sauntered over, her vintage band tee, chopped and knotted to bare a tantalizing slice of midriff, whispered "I'm edgy" while her designer jeans screamed "Daddy's credit card."
A constellation of piercings adorned her features like a roadmap of rebellion, making Amira wonder just how many more piercings might be hidden under those clothes. As the girl drew closer, Amira's mind raced with possibilities - maybe those piercings weren't just a map of daddy issues, but an invitation to explore some deeply buried mommy issues. Either way, Amira was suddenly ready to play therapist... among other things that would make her ex-husband's jaw drop.
"Stellar save, Mrs. Delmar," Camila purred, her voice a cocktail of jailbait and trouble. "Those obscenely overpriced Pilates sessions are clearly working overtime. Your ass looks like it could crack walnuts."
Amira's million-dollar smile could've melted panties at fifty paces. "It's Miss Delmar these days, hon," she cooed, subtly angling her divorce-settlement diamond - a rock so massive it had its own gravitational pull. "And trust me, these Pilates sessions are good for much more than just cracking nuts. And you are...?"