Harri: Face the Slut Within

I gingerly walked upstairs, then down the cold hallway to the bathroom where I cranked the shower to as hard and as hot as I could stand it. For a long time I simply stood without thought, letting the water wash my outside clean. When thoughts started to intrude, with the water beating on my breasts, spray stinging my nipples, I rubbed myself to a tiny, lonely, angry orgasm just to squeeze the memories out of me and let them run down my leg and out the drain. And then I stood again.

I wasn't ashamed of what I'd done. There could never be any shame in asking myself a question, in trying to define the boundaries of my soul. But I felt emptiness where I expected an answer. I was nothing more - or less - not slut, not innocent, not troll, than the person who had done those things.

The water never got cold, but I was getting too hot. I shut it off and stood, thoughtless, in the steamed bathroom, watching my blurred shape in the clouded mirror, wondering what image would emerge. When the room finally cooled and the vent sucked it all away and the mirror cleared ... there was just me. And I stood.

There was a knock at the door and Jess, my Jess, slipped in. She was beautiful and she held my wet body to hers and kissed me all over my face. This was my answer. This is who I was.

"Are you all right, baby?"

"Yes," I said softly. "I love you."

"I love you too," she said. "Now let's get you out of this bathroom. Before you get all pruned up."

I held up my hands. "Too late."

She patted me dry and dressed me like a child. In minutes I was back as the innocent teen. The clothes helped.

Back in the hallway, I asked, "Where are Matt and Jimmy?"

"Off to get some food for us. You gave them as much to think about as you took from them."

Not enough. "How was your trip?"

"Good. Done. I - I'm glad you got what you needed."

I hugged her again.

"Come on. We've got a lot of work left if we're going to finish this before you leave tomorrow."

It took a couple of hours, and food, for me to get my head back in the game. It took a couple more hours for us to realize this wasn't going to be as simple as we thought - there were simply too many little things left. A couple more hours after that, bleary-eyed and well after midnight, all four of us stood in the basement taping up the last few boxes.

"Go," Matt said. "You two - get out of here."

"No," Jess said. "We're going to finish moving these boxes upstairs."

"Jimmy and I can do that. You two go home. Sleep. Take her to the airport tomorrow. You don't need to stay for this."

"Thanks, Matt, Jimmy," I said. I trudged wearily up the stairs with Jess behind me at every step. She let me doze in the car on the way to her place.

Upstairs she brought me a glass of wine on the sofa and started making a simple meal out of bread, cheese, and some sandwich meat. The last time we were here, two nights ago, that sensual romp - the evidence was all around us. That tiny red thong was twisted up at my feet. It made me feel warm, loved. It had only been a handful of days.

I watched her move around her small kitchen - so graceful, so elegant. The touches were subtle, almost invisible - the shape of the eye, the tilt of the nose, the sleekness of her jaw. Jess, young and beautiful to me, was a vision. She set the plate of food on my lap and slid in beside me.

We ate a few bites in silence, then the plate was empty. Then the glass was empty.

"Come on, love," she said, and pulled me to my feet.

I almost tripped over our dresses on the way to the bathroom. I laughed. She laughed.

"I think it's going to be the most fun I ever have cleaning, when I get around to cleaning this up."

She threw her arms around me and kissed me, then stepped back again. She pulled off her shirt, then her bra, her small breasts bouncing as she did so. One of us peed while the other brushed her teeth, then we switched.

Jess fell back on the bed, naked, and teased her nipples until they swelled and stood erect. "What's wrong, baby? You - you don't like any of this? You don't want to join me?"

"No, Jess, you're beyond gorgeous. And I want to - but I'm, I'm past drained. Past sore. I know things are going to change tomorrow, and I want to make the most of this ... last night, like this, but I just can't."

"Oh, baby." She hopped back up and helped my undress. When I shivered, she put her arms around me. "Come to bed." She cradled me, caressed me. "Things aren't going to change so much tomorrow. Not in any real way. I'll still ... be here, for you."

"Don't say that. Not yet. I have to go a long way and it might be a long time."

"Don't kill tomorrow before it comes. Trust me, and have a little faith in yourself. You'll fuck your freshman roommate and the boy across the hall, but it's me you'll come back to." She kissed me on the lips. "You want to make the most of tonight? Lie on your back."

She slid away from me as I did so. I heard her fumble in her tiny nightstand, then reappear above me with a silver, cigar-shaped wand. She twisted something on the body and it buzzed to life.

"What is-"

"Shhhh," she said. "Lie back. Just relax."

She started between my breasts, on my sternum. I felt the tiny little vibrations echo across my chess, melting away my frustrations, my worries. She slowly rolled it across one nipple and I felt - desire? Effortless pleasure? She did the other nipple and I actually moaned. She started slipping it down my belly. I felt the vibrations emanate from within me, getting closer, and closer to - she pulled it away. I squirmed and felt a stretching soreness.

Above me she slipped a hand between her legs. I saw a flash of deep pink where she parted herself. "Fuck, I got wet fast." She stuck her nipple in my mouth before I could answer. "Suck it, please Harri."

I felt her slide the still toy between my legs, right along my slit, hard against my little clitty. She climbed over me, pressed her pussy to mine with only the silver cigar between us. I felt her wet skin cover mine and that little strip of hair creep past the toy. She reached behind her, I felt a twist and -

Wave of automatic pleasure cascaded over us, overwhelmed us, froze us. We strained fast against each other then one of us, I don't know which, managed to move just the tiniest bit. We were off, bucking and sliding over each other, and that vibrator was - only in the way. Jess must have agreed. She yanked it from between us and threw it against the wall, where it died, popping apart with batteries falling to the floor. Her fingers were in my pussy, mine were buried in her molten heat. I sucked her nipples, she licked my ears. Her tongue was in my mouth when, shaking beneath her, I started to come. She started shaking and, between my fingers and her clit, I felt a squirt of hot oil on my palm. I rubbed back into her and set her off all over again, not stopping until she bit my shoulder.

She rolled off of me, panting. "That's, that's never happened before."

I laughed. "Join the club."

She rolled back and we intermingled our thighs, rubbing more, but after not much she said, "You're right. It's time to stop. Let's go to sleep, love."

The morning arrived all too quickly with the butterflies in my stomach. I futzed around the bathroom doing little things, collecting anything dirty and anything that came from Aunt Cathy's into the suitcase we'd been using. I was nervous and fidgety the whole way up to the airport, even with Jess holding my hand. I didn't want her coming in with me, didn't think I could handle it. We kissed goodbye in the car. I called her as soon as I landed.

"Harvard won't know what hit them," she said. "I can't wait to visit."

I week later I started college, a week in which I bought a new wardrobe, apologized to my dad for the past year, apologized and subsequently seduced Marrie, the fucking slut bitch next door, a week in which I began introducing myself to everyone as Harri. A week after that I got my split from the proceeds of Aunt Cathy's estate sale. Part of mine went right into a plane ticket.