Happy Birthday, Emily.
I went looking for her. I approached the living room, but I found nothing. She was neither close to her family nor her friends, which led me to assume that Emily was avoiding me, and that was working out well. So, I decided to leave the party without further attempts, accepting that this battle was already lost. I didn't want to spend another night fooling myself with alcohol and expectations that would never happen. That vicious loop had me already fed up, so I would disappear without anyone noticing, as they would.
I was conscious of how much our friendship meant to each other. Em and I developed that kind of connection over the years, where we only needed to look at each other's eyes to know precisely what we were thinking. We shared a lot of inside jokes, and even though we didn't like the same things most of the time, we knew how to meet in the middle and get along. Yet, our situation changed when we kissed two weeks ago and let those feelings I was secretly hiding emerge.
I remember we were at that bar, drunk, when we started having a very salty conversation. Em, who had a lot of experience with girls, confessed one of her fantasies was to be with someone who had never been with another girl before. Her words not only turned me on but made me fantasize about the idea that it was probably an invitation since I was a virgin in that department, and she knew it. Thus, while she was getting very descriptive about what she would do to "that girl", my mind started going places, making my body react to the steamy comments.
My heart started racing as the humanity between my legs warned me of how much I wanted to be "her". And I think my friend noticed it too when she moved her chair very close to mine until the distance in the middle of our faces became considerably smaller. I bit my lower lip, smiling, until our lips slightly touched, and finally, we kissed not just once but several times.
Amazingly, she seemed to enjoy it as much as I did, so we left the bar promising each other that we would talk about it the next day when our heads were clear, but we actually never did. I got it. That was uncharted territory, which was scary to step into, and that was the exact same reason why Emily was avoiding me altogether.
Thereafter, I walked to my car and sat with my cold hands on the wheel, waiting for some clarity to come out, either mentally or hopefully expecting the snowstorm to lessen, but the only thing the universe brought in return was a disturbing noise on the window.
"What the fuck, Beck?" She yelled from outside, knocking gravely on the glass, so I unlocked the car, allowing her to jump inside.
"Why are you leaving all of a sudden?" She asked, more like scolding me. Emily was the kind of woman that always had to have control, no surprises. So, even though she wasn't missing me, my unforeseen leave annoyed her. But I didn't answer right away; I was too busy rubbing my hands close to the heating vent.
"Beck. Talk to me!" She was losing the little patience she had.
"You ignored me the entire night. And I get it. It's your party, and there are many guests you need to engage with, but I found it very odd that you didn't have time to talk to me even once in the last three hours." I still couldn't look at her.
"And then you leave because that's the easiest thing to do, right?" The frustration crawled up her face, and her cheeks were getting dark pink.
"I was looking for you everywhere, yet you avoided me. The same way you have been avoiding me for the past two weeks because you don't want to talk about that night. So yes, I am leaving." I was too tired to put up with her tendency of not showing off feelings and acting like everything was okay.
"I am not going to do anything that puts our friendship at risk, Beck. It's not fair for any of us. You are plainly overreacting to that kiss. We were waisted for god's sake!" My friend stated in an effort to rationalize the situation, gaslighting me.
"I see." I nodded, disappointed. Although I felt like a fool, I didn't buy it. But I couldn't get rid of this defeating emotion, so I said, "Whatever, Emily."... and stood quiet.
