Hair Nails And Confessions

I was standing against the terrace ledge, looking towards the western sky as I trimmed my nails. It was late monsoon afternoon and most probably that day the rain decided to take a break from over-watering that particular area and the eastward wind made the atmosphere a little bearable.

So there I stood, feeling the wind on my cheeks, ears, and arms as I trimmed away my nails to the skin.

The longer I stared at the sky, the quicker the enveloping happened. I felt like the sky was going to fold over from the north and south directions, and I would be trapped in the sky along with the house. The more the enveloping took place the more I realized the wind was only grazing my skin because it did nothing to my mind. My mind still had one of its cogs stuck somewhere that hindered the entire machinery. My chest was clogged with some kind of muddy mush that made it difficult for my heart to beat properly. My stomach felt like it had twisted within itself and formed a big knot that kept tightening with every move I made. I could feel that my breath was shallow but the wind wasn't allowing me to breathe deeper either. What was the use of so much air when I could not breathe? It had to be my fault. It had to be. There is no other explanation.

The nails of my ring finger and the pinky finger of my left hand were left to be cut when I felt somebody's footsteps climbing the stairs to the terrace.

The owner of the footsteps emerged from the door and gave me an "Oh! There you were" smile. She was the girl I was sleeping with at the moment. I smiled back at her because that's what you are supposed to do.

'Hey,' she said and came to stand beside me.

'Hi. Did you sleep well?' I asked. I had returned the nail cutter to my pocket.

'Um hm. I did. What are you doing here?'

I showed her the nail cutter taking it back out of my pocket. I didn't realize she would ask.

'Oh! Are you done?'

'I have two fingers left and I still gotta file all of them,'

She thought something for a while and then took the nail cutter from my hand.

'Give me your hand.' she said and came to stand in front of me.

I put forth my left hand in front of her as if I was going to receive a ring from her. I think she too had the same thought because she smiled to herself.

Then ever so gently she held my left ring finger and started cutting the nail. Angling the cutter in such a way that it would follow the curvature of my nails. She was so detail-oriented. It took her five to six snips to cut my quarter of a centimeter nail.

While she took her time, her eyes glued to my nails, I resumed staring at the sky. Now I saw clouds in the shape of a mushroom. I could tell her that but it won't matter because she would not be able to see it.

'I am done cutting your nails. I am gonna start filing them.'

'You don't have to,' I said trying to take the nail cutter from her hand.

'No no. You stand still. I actually like this.' she took the nail cutter back from my hand and extended the attached nail file.

To be honest, I liked this too. It was relaxing just like getting a haircut. You don't feel any pain but you know you are losing something. A piece of you that you get mixed with the dust or get thrown in a waste bin. I liked that feeling; the feeling of losing something without any pain.

When she was done filing, I looked at my hands and they immediately looked clean.

'Thank you,' I said feeling utterly grateful and quite impressed at how effortlessly she did the job.

She gave me a toothy grin and gave me a quick peck on the lips.

Nobody knows I am gay. Not the landlady or the neighbors. We were in an open space where anyone could see us.

'I am sorry,' she mumbled when she saw me stiffening.

I shook my head and smiled to ease her up.

'Let's go in. Shall we?'

I took the lead and she soon followed my suit.

Once inside I returned the nail cutter to a small ceramic bowl where it houses and went to the bathroom sink to wash my hands. I used soap and my trusted nail cleaning brush to scrub the freshly cut nails.

She walked into the bathroom looking at me through the mirror. She wrapped her arms around my waist and pressed her nose against my spine.

'I am sorry. I know you don't like it,'

What she did was nothing compared to what I was doing to her. She might apologize thinking it was just her fault but she could not be more wrong. It was I who could not love anything openly. I lacked the courage to love myself and when someone else did, I hid from them. Even now I was hiding. I wanted to grab her face and kiss her back, right on the terrace. But I lacked what most people need to love someone. Courage.

'I am a coward. I hide a lot of things. Filtering and presenting what I think someone would accept and understand. Sometimes I fail at judging that too.' I said that out loud while rinsing my hands.

'I know you don't love me.'

When she said that I turned around and looked at her. She wasn't lying.

'But I know you aren't incapable of it.'

Now she stood looking me in my eyes with her arms still around my waist. If she had detached herself from me. I would have lost it. As if reading my mind. She affirmed her grip and hugged me.

'I am sorry too,' I said into her hair.

'I love you,'

I held her face and kissed her lips. My lips trembled a little but she captured them and deepened the kiss. I shifted and held the back of her neck and her lower back as we continued to kiss. She tasted of clean water. Her tongue was soft and slithery.

We took matters to the bed. She laid me down and sat on top of me. She took off her t-shirt and unhooked her bra from behind. I really adored her ample bosom. They were soft with peach-colored areola and prominent nipples that had to be padded even when they were not erect.

She leaned in to kiss me and simultaneously took off my top and bra. She kissed the mounds of my breasts followed by the sternum and continued down to my navel.

I flipped us over and took off her shorts. She wasn't wearing her underwear. We both laughed at the revelation. I lingered over her, kissing her torso and gently sucking on her beautiful nipples. With my left hand still on her boobs, I went down on her. It was my favorite thing to do. To feel the malleable softness of her breasts and sucking on her clit simultaneously.

She crossed her legs around my neck and placed her feet on my back. Pressing my mouth close to her pussy. That's what she liked to do.

I spread open her pussy with my fingers. Her pussy was red and throbbing from all the circulation. Her slit was wet and open like a small mouth. After having sex multiple times, my fingers and I were well aware of the maps of her insides but my tongue could never get enough of her tiny opening, wet and ready to be devoured. I lapped on her cunt and prodded her tiny hole with my tongue. She loved that.

'FUCK! Fuck! fuCK!' she moaned over and over again. And she would only call my name when she would reach her limits.

I sucked on her clit and teased her by flicking my tongue over the thin skin right below her hole. It tickled her and I loved to hear her giggle in between her moans.

When she finally moaned my name, I felt her legs tightening around my head and her fingers tangling in my hair.

Then she loosened her legs gently and I went up to her for a kiss. Like a hungry animal, she kissed my mouth and nose. I slipped my fingers between her legs and ran circles on her sensitive bud. She shuddered with her eyes closed and I loved that look at her face when her body did that. I smiled and kissed her on the forehead before collapsing on the bed beside her.

She wrapped her arm around my chest and placed one of her legs on my waist, ready to fall asleep. That's when I heard a clap of thunder along with the haphazard cry of birds.

And once again I was detached from my body. My skin felt her warm hurried breaths on my shoulder but my mind registered nothing. The walls of the room started to close up around me and it started to rain.