So now you're going to learn more about my life than you probably want to know. But that weekend with Grace and Kale was such a crazy couple of days, I had to write it down. Skip to the end for the sex, but if you really want to know what happened, read on. I just hope neither Kale nor Grace read this.
Things went from awesome to shitty so quickly after that Friday night it made my head spin. My physics breakthrough was still humming inside me like a power line, and Grace was...well she was awesome. As much as I hate the word, something about her was special. Maybe she even felt the same about me a little. I was afraid to even think it, but maybe I had found someone I could have a real relationship with. I have never had luck in that area, but it was impossible not to hope.
Then the shit hit the fan. Actually it was a shit-fan trifecta. It started with Kale.
She picked me up at Grace's house and I loaded my bike and my shit into the back of her BMW wagon. I got in the car and she took off. She started asking about my thesis, and then she talked about girl's night out, and then she looked at me and stopped talking. Then she said, "Kelly, you didn't."
"Didn't what?"
She just looked at me.
"What? Watch the road, will you? Jesus Christ!"
"Unbelievable. Unbelievable, Kelly. She is my friend!"
"Hey, whoa whoa, back the truck up..."
"How could you be that insensitive!"
"Hey! Now hold on just a second! She came on to me! And anyway it wasn't like that, I really kind of..."
"I trusted you! I thought I knew you! I can not believe you did this!"
"Kale, will you shut the fuck up and listen to me for one second? I like her! A lot, maybe, I don't..."
She pulled over, staring straight ahead. "You're home. Get out of my car please."
No sooner was I standing at the side of the road than she screeched off into the cold darkness, leaving me confused and upset. I went inside, emailed my findings to my thesis professor and tossed and turned for a few hours till my alarm went off.
I got up to swim, and then went to work for a few hours, seriously dragging ass, but still mostly happy in spite of Kale losing it on me. Then I got home and checked my email. My prof (not Kale, thank god, although she had hinted around at wanting the job) had emailed me back and pointed out a major problem. My models only dealt with particles in the known universe, but was affected by particles outside the universe. A huge oversight. Enormous, catastrophic, and utterly stupid. The entire paper, the entire concept, was scuttled. I was fucked. I lowered my forehead to the desk. Months of work. All those late nights. Everything I thought I knew. I am such an idiot. I should have been a philosophy major, they don't do wrong answers.
And the worst was, I was so sure I had it right. How could I be that stupid? I'm not saying I cried, it is so not my thing, but if I did who would blame me?
I decided I needed to focus on something positive. Kale had given me Grace's number when she set up the sitting gig, and I chewed my lip looking at her number. Then I dialed fast before I could chicken out.
"Hello?" Her voice is so pretty, I thought. I sound like a honking goose. Shut the fuck up Kelly. You're just making yourself feel worse.
"Grace! Hi. It's me. It's Kelly."
"Kelly? What do you want?"
What do I want? "Uh...nothing. I was just..."
"You're unbelievable. You fucked me, tore out of here like a bat out of hell, and then you told one of my best friends about it. Are you calling to gloat? You wanted another ride on the merry-go-round? Well fuck you!"
"No! Grace! I..."
"I am not gay! Okay? I am 100% straight!" She was crying now. "I was hurting and you...you used me! And then you bragged about it! To my friend, Kelly. Do you have any idea how I feel right now? Do you even care? You...you bitch!"
I was too stunned to speak.
She blew out a breath. "Why am I even wasting my time talking to you. Goodbye Kelly." She hung up.
I blinked and then hung up the phone. I looked at my watch. It's a heart rate monitor too, but I wasn't wearing the chest strap. It said it was 1:33. So fifteen hours ago I was on top of the world. Now my life had turned into a pile of shit.
So I did what I always do when my life is shit. I skipped out on everything and went for a bike ride.
I work hard at swimming and running because I hate to lose, but those feel like work. Riding a bike is different. It's work too, but it's also rolling meditation. I'm thinking about where I am and the effort I'm putting in and what gear I'm in and where I'm going, but in the back of my mind I'm processing my life. I'm figuring shit out.
Two stops at coffee shops, four towns, four and a half hours and sixty miles later, I got off my bike and carried it up the steps to my apartment. I had reached three conclusions that made me somewhat feel better. I digested them while I took a nice, long, hot, shower.
First of all, the thesis wasn't a total loss. I'd have to restructure my paper and change the main focus, which would require some help and flexibility from my professor, and there was a lot more work to be done. A fucking crapload more. But the models, research, and proofs I'd already done could be salvaged. Mostly.
Secondly, fuck Kale. What was it about flirting via text and meeting every three to five weeks to drink wine and fuck that meant we were in a monogamous relationship? That is fucking bullshit, especially since I know she's been seeing guys in addition to me. She has no right or reason to get all up in my grille about whom I fuck and when. She can kiss my ass.
Thirdly, and most importantly, I had to apologize to Grace.
She was right about everything. I was totally rude and mean. I was so wound up about my thesis and so damn horny, I trampled all over her feelings like a bull in a field of clovers. She deserved better, and even if she hated my guts for the rest of her life, I owed her an apology. I had to be careful though. Her kids didn't need some dyke calling and going, "tell your mom sorry for being callous before, but she sure can eat some pussy!" It had to be after they were in bed, in person. Sooner the better. Tonight.
So for the next few hours, I dissected my thesis, poring over it page by page. Now that I knew my mistake, it was so obvious where I'd gone wrong. I scrapped page after page, made notes of the mistakes in my models. And by the way, how the fuck do you model particle behavior in other universes?
Then it was time. I bundled up against the chill and got on my bike, heading across town, thinking about what I wanted to say to Grace. What if she wasn't there? What if she was out with the man-trouble guy making up? What if her kids were up late? When I arrived, I sat outside Grace's place for a few minutes, screwing my nerve together and trying to squash the miserable thing in my stomach. Then I locked my bike to a lamp post and knocked.
Grace answered the door. Jeans and a green cardigan, that thick, auburn hair washed and brushed, and a touch of makeup around her eyes. She was so out of my league, even if she wasn't arrow straight. "Kelly," she said coolly. "We were just talking about you. Come in."
We? Oh this could not be good. At least she didn't scream at me and send me away. Yet. I followed her inside. Even at that moment, I couldn't help watching her ass as she walked into the living room.
And sitting on the overstuffed chair, there was Kale, legs crossed in a short skirt, gauzy blouse, and heels. The quintessential sexpot. She set her wine down, looking at me coolly. This just gets better and better, I thought. Grace sat down on the couch, the end nearest Kale, and crossed her legs. Stilletto heels and jeans. So fucking sexy. Dressed for going out, or maybe they'd come back already. It was nine pm.
Kale being there for me to be pissed at made it easier. "I was hoping to talk to you later," I said in a surly tone. "I'm here to talk to Grace."
Grace said, "Whatever you want to say to me, you can say to her too."
Brilliant. Judge and jury, take your pick. I didn't know what to say with both of them there, but started saying it anyway, but keeping my chin up and my chest out. "I'm sorry. I just came to say I'm sorry. I was distracted and elated and rushed yesterday, and you're so beautiful, and I ran over your feelings like a train. I do know what it's like to not be gay and yet want another woman. I went through that too, and it's awful. I'm not saying you're me, or that you're gay or whatever, just that...I should have been more careful. Especially since..." in for an inch, in for a mile, "...I like you. I liked you as soon as I walked into your home. You're warm and sweet and gentle, and I...didn't mean to hurt or scare you or confuse you. I certainly didn't mean to make you feel used.