Going Down A Slippery Slope Ch 03

It was extremely hard for me to find an editor this time but I did get some editing help from a gentleman, Alan. I appreciate the help that he was able to give. I hope you enjoy the story. As always, comments are welcome!

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Since that night, Erin felt like most things were going extremely well in her relationship with Kim. She had become extremely comfortable in showing her affection and receiving Kim's. Tonight for example they were out for dinner at a local Japanese restaurant. During their walk to it, Erin had her arm around Kim and their sides were in almost constant contact. A couple of times along the way, Kim got a particularly cute look on her face and Erin had responded with a kiss. Now at the table, their hands were entwined as they waited for their order. Erin was even okay with the way Kim was running her foot up and down her calf. It was a lot of progress in only a couple of weeks, although she gave Kim a warning glare when she tried to move up any higher. With an impish smile, Kim lowered her foot and kept it within the bounds that Erin allowed.

Overall Erin was extremely happy. There was just one little thing that was detracting from it. Kim always wanted her to take the lead in making decisions. In deciding where to go for dinner Erin had been unable to get Kim to express a preference but as soon as Erin suggested Japanese, Kim immediately agreed. After dinner they were planning on going to see a movie, but again Kim just wanted Erin to pick it.

"Kim, there must be a movie out that you would like to see," Erin said with a hint of exasperation. "I picked the restaurant. You should pick the movie."

"You know me; I like everything. What would you like to see?" Kim turned the question back on Erin.

Erin sighed. It kept repeating in different areas. Kim made the dinner Erin wanted. If she asked Erin's opinion about clothes, she invariably took it. Even when and how they made love was determined by Erin. Unless Erin insisted, Kim wanted to give rather than receive pleasure. Knowing Kim as a strong woman in other areas of her life, it confused Erin to see her act like this in their relationship. And she wasn't sure she liked it. It occupied a fair amount of her thoughts the last few days

Feeling like she needed to get it out in the open, Erin decided to say something. "Baby," she started in a soft tone that she hoped conveyed her affection, "I know I am new to gay relationships but this isn't my first relationship. I don't understand why you telling me what you want seems to be an issue. If we wanted to put labels on us, I'm probably the butch and you are certainly the fem. I don't know, but is that what's going on?"

Even though Kim sensed this coming to a head, she still wasn't quite ready for it to happen today. On their own, her fingers tightened their grip on Erin's. She looked at Erin, not sure what to say.

"I'm not trying to pick a fight, Baby," Erin said. Bringing up the issue clearly unsettled Kim. "It is yet another way you and I are different from my past relationships. With my boyfriends, there was always a give and take where we tried to balance our desires. The only time I went out with someone who wanted to make all the decision didn't last very long. He was a jerk." She paused for a couple of seconds, and then said in a soft voice, "I don't want to be a jerk with you, Kim."

"You aren't being a jerk," Kim instantly replied. She fidgeted for a moment with eyes cast down. When she looked up, Erin was surprised to see unshed tears there. "Erin, I do want to talk about it but not at dinner. Can we just enjoy dinner and then may we skip the movie and instead go for a walk and we can talk?"

Warning bells went off in Erin's head. Her instant reaction was to want to push the issue and figure out what was wrong. But Kim was right. If there was something serious to discuss, she didn't want to do that in a public place. "Of course, Baby." She squeezed Kim's hand back.

Their sushi came soon and they fell back into small talk about the day. It all amounted to killing time as they ate without really appreciating it. Both of them were caught up in unspoken fears. Dinner was finished much quicker than it otherwise would have been.

As they left the restaurant, they started to walk without touching. Then Erin tentatively reached out and took Kim's hand. Kim looked up at her and smiled. She moved naturally to walk close to Erin. They weren't far from campus so Erin steered a course that would take them to walk one of the quieter paths across it. It was a cold and crisp late fall night. The sky was clear for a change and the last colors of sunset were fading away.

For a little while, they walked in silence. Erin wanted to say something but felt like the ball was in Kim's court. Finally Kim started to talk.

"This isn't a butch/fem thing, Erin. If it was, it would be much more like what you are used to. I should have said something before now but I was scared. I didn't want to do something to mess us up, but now I will mess it up if I don't." Kim's voice trembled as she spoke. "And I really don't want that. I love you, Erin."

It was the first time either one of them had said it. Erin knew it already but there was a power to them when Kim spoke them. As worried as she was at that moment, they made her giddy with happiness. It was easy for her to reply.

"Kim, I hope you know I love you too!" Erin pulled her close and hugged her tight. Kim clung to her as the embrace went on. Her head rested against Erin's shoulder. Finally it was Kim who ended it.

"I do know it," Kim said. "It is so much of what I was hoping for that I have tried to just ignore this. But I can't any more. If we don't talk about it, it's going to hurt us. But if we do, it may too."

"You asked why I defer to you. It's my nature in relationships. I'm submissive." Kim stopped and looked at Erin.

The confusion Erin was feeling was apparent in her eyes. She wasn't quite getting what Kim said. "You're submissive?"

"Yes, Love. I'm a submissive, as in dominance and submission." The trembling in Kim's voice increased, given more proof that tears were now starting to run down her face. "It's what attracted me to you in the first place. You are so clearly naturally dominant, in control and so strong."

Erin finally understood. "You are submissive and you want me to be dominant. You want me to be your ..." she paused as she searched her memory for the right term. "Your Domme, is that right?"

The sobs slowly beginning to shake her body, Kim nodded. "I'm sorry, Erin. I should be just happy to be with you but I can't be without this, not in the long run. It just is the way I am. I've already been pushing. I would have kept pushing, even if it risked our relationship. So I am glad it's out there, at least you can understand what I want."

"I'm not sure I do. I have some vague ideas about what you mean but that's it," Erin replied.

Kim nodded her understanding. "I want to be yours, Erin. I don't mean just your girlfriend. I want to know that I belong to you; that I am yours to command; that I devote myself to you, body and soul. It is beyond being in love and in a relationship. Those are equal, or should be. I don't want an equal relationship. I will give you all that I am, and take what you choose to give to me. I know this is hard to understand, but despite what you might think, I would be very happy this way." Kim trailed off still crying.

Pulling Kim close, Erin held her tight. She didn't know what to say. Of all the things she guessed that Kim would bring up, this would have been her last guess. But it clearly had been eating at Kim. Once breached, the wall she hid this side of herself behind completely fell down. She was showing something new to Erin. And Erin couldn't complain. She was the one who pushed the issue. She wanted to know and now she did. Yet Erin also didn't know how to process it and respond. Whatever Kim might believe, Erin never considered herself dominant.

Erin needed time and space to think about it. But at the same time, she didn't want to give Kim the impression she was running away. Erin cared way too much to do that. Holding Kim, she whispered reassurances; letting Kim know that she loved her. As Kim slowly regained control, Erin started them walking again. This time she was heading back towards Kim's apartment. When Kim figured out their destination, she looked sadly at Erin but said nothing. Most of the way there, they walked in silence.

When they got to the front door, Erin stopped and took both of Kim's hands. "I'm going to say goodnight, Baby. I'm confused and it wouldn't be good for either of us if I came in right now. Meeting you turned my world on its head. Now you've turned it upside down again. Let me do some thinking about what it means and how I feel about it."

Trying hard not to cry again, Kim nodded. She didn't really expect anything else. "I'll call you tomorrow, Erin, okay?"

A little harsher than she meant to, Erin said, "No, I'll call you." Seeing Kim flinch, Erin tried to soften her tone. "I just mean that I would rather get through thinking first, Baby. And it could be a couple of days." Kim nodded again. She started to turn to go in when Erin took her by the arm and turned her back around. Erin's arms went around her and pulled her close. Lifting her head, Kim's lips parted as Erin kissed her. It was a deep kiss, with Erin's tongue pushing into Kim's mouth. Erin poured her love into the kiss, hoping that it would reassure Kim. And for at least that moment, it did.

When the kiss finally ended, they smiled at each other and broke apart.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Erin tossed and turned all night, unable to get much sleep. Her brain was running too fast. In the morning, she called her mom to ask if she could spend a couple of days at her parents' cabin at the beach. It was quiet and secluded, just the right place to puzzle out things. When her mom said of course, Erin packed a few things and made the 75 minute drive to get there. On the way, she called one of her teammates and made apologies for missing both games that weekend. She explained simply that she had some personal stuff come up and needed to handle it. Erin was assured that it happened to everyone once in a while and they would be thinking about her.

It had stayed chilly but now a low overcast contributed a damp feeling to the air at the cabin. Pulling an afghan around her, Erin curled up in a chair by the window and looked out at the waves rolling up to the rocky beach. For a while, she just was there in the moment, able to focus on the setting. Then slowly her mind started to drift back to the reason for being there.

"Can I do this? Do I want to?" she wondered to herself. The one thing that wasn't confusing to her was how she felt about Kim. After all the time, Erin now fully accepted that she loved Kim. She wasn't bothered by the same sex issue, other than figuring out how to tell her parents. And that didn't worry her too much. Erin knew she could get through it. But this was something different. It touched on who she thought Kim was.

Or did it? As Erin thought about it, maybe what it really did was provide a context for who Kim was. Yes, she hadn't been open about it but how exactly does someone tell people that she is a submissive. But Erin thought to herself that understanding that was Kim's nature helped her to also understand why she acted the way she did; why she always served Erin; why she wanted Erin to take the lead; and why in bed she always seemed to enjoy pleasing Erin more than being pleased. Erin mulled that over for a while. All of these and others too were aspects of how Kim behaved and had been behaving their entire time together. They had confused Erin and occasionally been an irritant like with the movie. But at the same time Erin enjoyed being the center of Kim's attention. So maybe accepting this revelation about Kim wasn't as large a deal as it initially seemed.

That triggered a thought in Erin's mind. What exactly did it mean to be submissive? Her backpack was at her feet and she leaned over to grab it. Pulling out her laptop, she turned it on and waited for it to boot up. When it was ready, she brought up her browser and then thought about what she was trying to find.

"Basics. To start with I just want basics," Erin said to herself. Going to Wikipedia, she searched for submission. After reading the fairly generic information she followed a link to Dominance/submission which gave more information. Expanding the associated links at the bottom found a link to submissive which redirected to Bottom. All through it, Erin was seeing that there were differences in what it meant. There were multiple references to discipline and bondage, but Kim hadn't mentioned anything like that and they made Erin nervous. She avoided those parts to focus more on the information about control by a dominant of a submissive. Submission meant acknowledging that the other person was their superior and had the right to control them.

Once she had a general academic understanding, Erin felt comfortable with moving onto other sites. As soon as she did so, the sexual aspects became much more apparent. Beyond that, the harsher side to submission was much more apparent. Pages explaining the proper use of floggers, paddles, violet wands, nipple clamps; the list went on. Erin wrinkled her nose as she quickly clicked through pages. She couldn't imagine doing any of those things to someone she loved.

Finding a link that seemed to be more about control, Erin clicked on it. She started reading about submission without S&M. This was something that she could at least consider. Slowly she started to understand what Kim seemed to be saying. The need to feel owned was connected to her self-image. It gave her proof of her value, especially to the one she cared about the most. It was hard for Erin to grasp. Being with Kim made her happy, but her own sense of worth wasn't connected to that. It came from who she was and how she saw herself.

"I guess that is part of why I'm not submissive," she said in an undertone.

Continuing to read, Erin still steered away from the sexual aspects, even without the S&M element. But now she started to read more about dominants. Occasionally she caught a glimpse of herself in it. The idea of ceding control to another held no attraction to her. In all of her relationships, she had never been able to just let the other person do whatever they wanted. At least once, it became a struggle that doomed the relationship.

Teasing was another. There was something about teasing her partner that always turned her on. The more she made him, or now with Kim her, want it, the more excited Erin would get. Even though she had tried to not be cruel with Kim, as she thought back Erin realized that her slow pace in becoming sexual had also been a long tease for Kim. And staying in control had been so important to her; moving from one level to the next, sustaining it, and then stopping.

When she finished that webpage, Erin closed her laptop. She wanted to follow her thoughts a ways before she read anymore. Getting up, she grabbed her fleece coat and went outside to walk the shoreline. The time had passed quickly and being late fall, the sun was already going down. A weather front was moving in and the wind was starting to pick up. But there was still enough light to see the ground and walk.

Erin's mind drifted as she slowly made her way down the shore. Every few hundred feet, there was another house or cabin. Some were lit up with someone there. More were not. But Erin had the beach to herself. At times Erin thought about what she read and whether she could give Kim what she wanted. That inevitably led to Erin thinking about Kim. Getting to the point where Erin acknowledged just how deeply she cared about Kim had taken quite a while. Now that she was there, was she willing to give her up?

Laughing a little bitterly at herself she thought "If I was, would I be considering this?"

But when she thought back to Kim the night before, the pain in her eyes was clear to Erin. Kim knew that she was taking a risk in losing the person she loved. More than that, however, Erin sensed that Kim's deeper pain was the realization that neither her love for Erin nor Erin returning it were enough for her. She needed more. Even in a potentially strong relationship, Kim couldn't be happy unless she got it. Erin couldn't get away from the sense of Kim's pain.

"I hate her being in pain," she said to herself. "I feel like I would do anything to stop her pain!" Erin sighed.

Looking back towards her cabin, Erin could see that she had come quite a ways. If she went much further, it would be pitch dark before she got back. Noticing a log tossed high up on the beach she went over and sat down to stare out at the dark waters, listening to the waves. It was very peaceful. It was much easier than thinking about her problems. For at least a few moments, she just focused on that and pushed everything else out of her mind.

That lasted until the first little raindrop hit her forehead. She smiled wryly. "All right, I get the hint. I'll go back," she said out loud.

It was pretty dark now. Where there was a lit up building, the going was a little easier. Where there was none, she had to pick her path carefully. It left her with less time to think. Finally as she came up to her parent's cabin, a thought came strong into her mind. "I have to be happy too. I really can't make her happy if I'm not." As she went up to the door, she again spoke out loud. "I guess the question is can I be happy in this type of a relationship?"

After having quickly made herself something to eat and getting a glass of red wine, Erin opened up her laptop again. As she waited for it to boot up, she considered what she wanted to do now. "Perhaps," she thought, "it is time that I look at some of those other links." She went and closed the blinds on the beach side of the house.

Unplugging the laptop, she moved over to the couch and got comfortable there. She found one of the links she was thinking about and clicked on it. It was a posting of a submissive describing what her Domme had done to her the night before. There were some mild restraints with her hands being tied behind her while kneeling but no discipline. She was blindfolded so that she was never quite sure what would be next. Erin started to read.

I could hear her approaching me from behind. When she was right behind me, she stopped and waited. I got more and more nervous as I waited, but I tried my best not to show it and to remain absolutely still as she commanded. Finally she spoke, "Well done, pet." OMG, I love it so much when she praises me!

I could feel her bending over and her hand sliding over my shoulder and then down my chest. When she touched my breast, I tried but I couldn't help shivering. She made a tsk tsk sound and stood up, taking her hand with her. I know I disappointed her. But I just waited there as still as I could be, for her to give me another chance. She moved a little closer to me. I could feel her knees touching my back. And then she bent over again. This time I was ready and when her fingers started to run over my breast, I controlled myself.

"Good girl," she murmured to me. And then she reached out and grasped my nipple. I was ready for that too. As good as it was to have my Mistress touching me; I kept my focus and didn't let it show. Even as she started to pull on it, I was barely able to avoid moving or gasping as much as I wanted to! But when her other hand joined the first, I had to do something.

"Mistress?" I asked. "May I please show you how I enjoy your touch? Please Mistress, don't be too cruel."

She chuckled (Oh God I love that sound) and then told me that I was free to show how excited I was. I thanked her and then groaned as she started pulling one nipple and then the other. I arched my back and pressed my breasts into her hands. Turning my head first to the left and then the right I kissed both of her arms.