Girigiri

GiriGiri is a Japanese phrase that means several different things, but the one I like to use is "almost, but not quite" or "right up to the edge".

"Bu xiang yao de ren" is Chinese for "unwanted person". In a not so subtle hint, my mother named me Xiang Ren.

I was an unwelcome souvenir. My mother had worked in Japan, as a karaoke hostess. At the end of her contract, she returned home to China with an unwelcome souvenir, namely me, unknowingly growing inside her.

It is difficult to get them to admit it, but Asians are some of the most racist people in the world. Being a halfbreed, I was unwelcome in either country.

My life has been a series of challenges. I had to work twice as hard as my classmates to get an equal grade to them. I was picked on, bullied, beaten and constantly reminded that I didn't belong.

"Bu xiang yao de ren" is what everyone called me. I had no hopes of getting a decent education, a decent job or decent future in China. My only chance was to escape.

My one break came in the form of a teacher at my high school. Mr. Yang liked me for some reason. I don't know if he had been picked on like I was, or if he just felt sorry for me, but he helped me.

He often let me hide in his office so I could avoid the pack of popular girls that spent breaks looking for me to take their frustrations out on.

Mr. Yang helped me apply to a university, and even lobbied on my behalf to get me admitted. My grades were excellent, but it was doubtful they would accept me anyway. As I said, halfbreeds are not welcome, doubly so for Japanese-Chinese mixed.

With his help, I did manage to get in, and he went to work on getting funding for me. He disguised it as charity, but I was the charity. Without him, I probably would have never finished high school. I nearly dropped out. GiriGiri.

University was marginally better than high school. Professors cared less that I am a halfbreed, and my work mattered more. Knowing it was my only chance, I worked my ass off.

When other students took breaks and did the normal things young people do with free time, I stayed in and studied. I didn't have any friends and no one even looked twice at me, so I wasn't missing out on anything. I was practically invisible.

I was merely the mess on the sidewalk everyone walked around to avoid. That was actually a step up for me, and I flourished without the added difficulty of being bullied every day.

With good grades, Mr. Yang helped me apply to American universities for my graduate degree. I had to take additional tests, including English proficiency. I was offered several scholarships and started the visa process in secret.

My mother, however, had other plans for me. Immediately after I graduated, she entered negotiations with another family to marry me off to their son Yin.

Being a low value woman without a good family name, she took what she could get for me. An embarrassingly low sum of money for her only child. She accepted the small dowry and made arrangements for the wedding.

Any normal person in my position would have been happy to be chosen. It would provide me with a husband to take care of me. We would not be rich, but I would certainly be better off than my future alone.

The only problem was, I am not attracted to men, and I had my own plans. Only a few weeks before the marriage was to take place, I got my visa.

I literally ran away in the middle of the night. Mr. Yang arranged for my plane ticket, and rode with me to the airport.

"Xiang, go make a new life for yourself. Don't come back to China. You will be happier in America." He told me.

I boarded the plane with my papers and one suitcase of my clothes. Armed with just a name of a guidance counselor at the American university where I would attend, I set off for the US.

It was a long flight, and had three stops. I was very tired by the time we arrived and I got through security. I spent 22 hours total traveling, unable to sleep - all with a giant knot in my stomach, praying I would be allowed in the US.

Yes, I had a visa, but it still made me very anxious. My entire life was depending on this. The relief when I was finally welcomed to the US was huge. Still, I wanted to get out of the airport as quickly as possible before they changed their minds.

I found the woman waiting for me after the security checkpoint. She greeted me friendly and asked how my trip was.

Then she escorted me to the parking area. As soon as we walked out the doors, I was taken aback by the heat. Seeing the look on my face, she laughed.

"Typical August day in Phoenix." She told me. "Better get use to it."

I wondered how people actually lived here. She put my bag into the back of her huge car, and we made the short drive to the university.

I was allowed to stay in my dorm room for the week until school started. I had a private tour, and several classes with the other Chinese students explaining the laws in the US, how to avoid scams, and what to expect in daily life at the university.

A week later, I got a roommate and classes started. I was in the nursing program, and needed to get my master's degree as well as my American certification in order to get a work visa after finishing school. That was my plan. Two years of total focus on my goals.

So, just like in China, I concentrated on my schoolwork and left my social life on hold. While I was still shunned by the other Chinese students, the Americans were nice to me. It took some time for me to understand that it is just how they are. Not all of them wanted something from me.

I was 21 years old, and had completely shut off my libido my entire life, as I had to focus on my studies. What is the saying? People make plans and fate just laughs at them?

Well, life had laughed at my plans too. While I don't believe in love at first sight, I do believe you can instinctively know the person you are supposed to be with at first sight.

I was walking across campus on my way to the cafeteria when out of nowhere a truck ran me over. I looked up from the sidewalk, several feet from where I had been previously walking and saw the truck that hit me was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen in my life.

Standing at 5 feet and 11 inches, plus the extra height provided by the four inch Louboutin heels she was wearing, she towered over my prone 5 feet 2 inches. She was slim but with womanly curves wrapped in a black jean miniskirt and a white designer blouse.

Her features were striking. Long, blonde hair the color of pure gold cascading down her torso, with the deepest blue eyes I'd ever seen.

With a thick Eastern European accent, she gushed an apology, "I'm so sorry. I not see you there. You are hurt, no?"

I was in a daze. I had made the decision to put off anything close to a social life. I'd never had a kiss or even held hands with another woman yet.

It was supposed to wait until I got my education and firmly established my career, but that had gone out the window the moment I laid eyes on the golden haired goddess. Life had other plans for me.

My libido instantly came roaring back, with years of suppression to make up for. To say I was enamored would be a colossal understatement. I was knocked literally and metaphorically head over heels by the woman.

I raised my hand up off the pavement, and felt the blood running down my arm. At that moment, my ankle decided to let me know it wasn't happy either. "Yeah, I think I better go to the medical center." I conformed.

The blonde woman tried to help me up, but my ankle was having none of that. "Here, hold this." She directed me, handing her tablet and purse to me.

Confused, I took them and before I could ask what she was doing, she scooped me up and started walking towards the medical center with me in her arms.

"It's all the way across campus." I protested. "You can't carry me that far."

"Of course I can." She replied. "You are very light. You can't weigh forty kilograms."

"Forty three." I stubbornly replied as she effortlessly walked the ten minutes to the medical center holding me like it was nothing to her. She was apparently as athletic as she was beautiful, with a remarkable strength for someone who was on the slim side.

Luckily it was a slow day, and the nurse took me back to an exam room right away. I barely had time to thank the blonde woman for carrying me all that way. I needed three stitches to close the gash on my wrist, and my ankle was just sprained, so it only needed to be wrapped with elastic bandage.

Forty five minutes later, I limped my way towards the exit, only to be intercepted by the blonde woman who had accidentally trucked me earlier.

"Let me carry backpack." She told me more than she asked me as she took it from my shoulder. "I walk you back to dorm, no?"

"You don't have to." I half heartedly replied. "You didn't have to wait for me."

"But I must." She refused my objection. "I hurt you so I must make right."

I really loved her accent. It sounded so sophisticated. Since I had been instantly smitten with her, I didn't object any longer. I wanted to spend more time with her.

So, she helped me back to my dorm room, talking as we slowly walked. She told me her name is Tatiana, and she is Ukrainian. She came to the United States on a student visa arranged by the woman's basketball team. She was not eligible her first year, so she said she had more free time than usual.

"What is your name?" she asked.

"Xiang." I replied.

"Is Chinese, no?" She looked at me, trying to figure out why I didn't look exactly Chinese.

So I gave her a brief explanation of my lineage.

"That why I am confused." She smiled at me. "You are very beautiful. I never see anyone that look like you."

I was completely caught off guard. No one had ever given me a compliment before. I couldn't speak. Luckily we arrived at my dorm.

Not seeming to understand boundaries, Tatiana helped me all the way into my room and got me situated on the bed. She didn't hesitate to open my fridge and get me water.

"You rest here." She again told me more than asked me. "I bring food." Then she breezed out the door without waiting for a response.

Normally I like my privacy. My roommate is a Filipina, and we respect each other's space very well. Tatiana had invaded my area, but for the first time in my life, I didn't mind.

I sat in a daze, trying to smell the remnants of her perfume. She even smelled like a goddess. "Oh boy Xiang, you've got it bad." I thought to myself as I studied the details of her face in my mind. I seriously could not find a flaw with her. A.I. could not construct a more beautiful woman.

About fifty minutes later, Tatiana came back into my room with a dinner plate that had enough food for 3 meals. Obviously not from the cafeteria, I asked her where she got it from.

"My friend from Ukraine live here in this city. She prepare it for you. She is like mother to me. This is dish from my country. Cafeteria food is not healthy."

It looked like an egg roll made entirely out of chicken with broccoli and carrots on the side. "It looks delicious. Will you share it with me?" I asked.

Since I didn't have utensils in my room, we had to share the fork that came with the plate. I didn't mind. I liked watching her lips coated in pink lipstick kiss the fork as she took a bite.

"This is chicken Kyiv." She explained. "I don't eat red meat, so this is one of my favorite dish."

After we finished, we talked for a while. Tatiana is studying for a double major in Economics and Finance. Since she also will play for the basketball team, I wondered when she would find time to study.

"Is no problem." She assured me. "I can withstand. I want to help my country improve our standard of living. Ukrainians are strong people. They deserve to be successful."

I admired her for wanting to help her country. I came to understand her father was in the government, so she wanted to follow a similar career path to improve their home.

Eventually she had to leave, but we exchanged numbers. She asked when my first class was the next day, so she could help me walk to it, and I told her my dorm mate has the same class so she could help me get there.

"OK, then we eat lunch together." She told me, not accepting any excuses not to go.

Since I was in the nursing program, our paths had never crossed before, but she did indeed hunt me down at lunch time. She shared her meal provided at the sports complex. It was much better than the cafeteria, I admit.

After that, Tatiana met me for lunch every day. Despite her fiery determination, she was a sweet and caring person.

I never asked, but based on her clothes, she was at least financially comfortable. She was always dressed stylish and impeccably. Designer dresses and tailored pieces with only the best shoes, usually heels.

Meanwhile, if I hadn't won a scholarship, there was no way I could afford to pay for my education. The obvious wealth gap was never an issue, but I worried it would interfere with my plans to win her over.

It turns out, I had nothing to worry about. Tatiana had felt the same connection I had. We both still concentrated on our studies, but found time to see each other every day.

During the winter break, Tatiana took me on a bus trip to the north where there are mountains and snow. We hiked up one of the smaller hills, and sat on an observation bench to enjoy the view.

It was so beautiful, and I got my first kiss. It was unbelievably amazing. I felt like I could float all the way up into the sky. I hadn't told her yet, but I knew I was in love with Tatiana.

Our relationship grew slowly, as our daily free time was short, but we progressed none the less. I believe it was because our connection was so strong.

During the week long break in the spring, I gave Tatiana my most treasured gift. I was so happy she was my first, and I hoped she would be my last and every time in-between.

Tatiana was somehow even more stunning naked than she was dressed. Her legs were absolutely the stuff of legends, with a toned and firm body on top of it. Her waist was so slim. I liked kissing her stomach.

The summer was a little slower for us both, so we were able to spend most nights together. I learned so much about making love and expressing myself physically. I tried my very best to repay Tatiana's patience.

I may have been late to the game, but I held nothing back. I matched Tatiana's energy and passion perfectly. No, I was not shy with her and willing to try anything she suggested. She gave me confidence and inspired me to be more bold.

While fall meant the basketball season had started, but we still saw each other every day, if only for a kiss and a quick reaffirmation of our love.

I attended every home game to watch and cheer for Tatiana. She wasn't a star, but she was good. She played with a fierce determination that matched her dedication to her studies.

She often had to guard bigger opponents, but made up for the height difference with hustle and technique. She had gained quite a following, and I was her number one fan.

When the basketball team had a week off over the Christmas holiday, she suggested another trip up north, hinting she had something to ask me.

Knowing I would graduate in the spring, it occurred to me that she may have been looking to the future. I got the distinct feeling that she was going to ask me to marry her.

Hand in hand, we boarded the bus for the ride to Flagstaff. I thought she was going to take me back to the site where our relationship officially started to ask me to marry her. I was so excited I could barely keep still in my seat.

I don't know how long we had been traveling, and the only thing I do remember is flying out of my seat before going unconscious.

I woke up in the hospital. I had a tube down my throat and every part of my body screamed at me that it was in a huge amount of pain. I couldn't talk, but the nurse saw me awake and the tears in my eyes from the pain, and very quickly gave me medication for the pain.

I remember short bursts of consciousness after that. One such time, I noticed the tube was gone from my throat. I tried to speak, but the nurse told me not to. It would take several days before my throat got over the irritation from the breathing tube.

"Miss! Miss! Can you hear me?" A man asked me, as he shined a light in my eyes that he had pried open one morning.

Even my neck was sore, but I shook my head affirmative.

"What happened?" I croaked out with a very raspy voice.

"There was an accident." He replied. "You were hurt very badly."

"Tatiana?" I croaked again.

The man turned to a nurse to see if she knew who I was talking about. The nurse closed the distance and whispered in his ear.

"Oh." He replied, then turned back to me. "She was taken home by her father. She is alive. Not everyone on the bus was so lucky."

"When?" I asked, not understanding how she could be gone so fast.

The doctor obviously didn't want to tell me, but decided he wouldn't lie to me either.

"You've been in a coma for 7 weeks." He broke it to me. "We don't even know who you are. We thought we were going to lose you. You nearly died." GiriGiri

Of course, that was a shock to hear. I was overwhelmed with questions and confusion.

"Am I?" I asked him.

"No." the doctor smiled, happy to give me some good news. "Everything works. You took a hard blow to the head. You cracked your skull. Your brain swelled and we did everything we could to keep you alive."

At that point, I put my left hand, as it didn't have a tubes in it, on my head. All my hair had been shaved off, and I had several different bandages covering what I assumed were cuts.

I knew by the look the nurse was giving me, there was more. A bandage right above my right eye that would become a visible scar I couldn't hide.

"I'm going to give you a mild sedative so you can rest now." The man told me. "Is there anyone you want us to contact?"

"My name is Xiang. I'm a student at ASU." I replied. "No, there's no one to call."

I found it ironic that after being in a coma for 7 weeks, they wanted me to sleep more.

I stayed in the hospital several more weeks, gradually improving and rebuilding my strength. Once they contacted the school, my guidance counselor came to see me, which made me feel better.

She couldn't tell me anything about what happened to Tatiana, but she assured me the Dean of the nursing school had already held my spot and scholarship so I could return once I was able to.

Eventually I was released and the school came and picked me up. I returned to my dorm room, but it was already the summer semester. My counselor signed me up for a half load of classes in the fall, so I would only have to take another half load in the spring to graduate.

The first thing I did was head over to the basketball gym looking for information on Tatiana. It took me several days to find a coach who knew I was Tatiana's girlfriend, but unfortunately he didn't know much.

Officially she hadn't even withdrawn from school. Her father had taken her away on a private jet, without a word to anyone at the school.

I created social media accounts and searched for Tatiana online, without success. Of course I was heartbroken. That isn't even the right word for it. I was beyond hurt, but like my whole life, I had no one to depend on but myself, so I swallowed the pain and went about doing what I had to in order to secure my future.

When graduation day came and I still hadn't heard anything from anyone about Tatiana, I decided I had mourned enough. It was time to accept that she wasn't coming back. I had to try and move on.

I had received several job offers even before I graduated. I decided upon a new doctor who was had taken over an established practice from a retiring doctor. His knowledge was impressive and he didn't seem to have that chip on his shoulder that a lot of doctors have as they settle into their careers.