Preface
This is part one of four. It takes a while to get through all four. Your indulgence appreciated in advance. There's a prologue (chapter 00) but you won't be missing out too much if you skipped that.
FIVE YEARS AND FOUR DAYS -- DAY ONE
--Prelude to Day One--
ALEX
I volunteered for the UK project as soon I heard about it. Mona, my boss, was happy to staff me on it -- not many people in the office were willing to plan for potentially half a year's worth of trans-Atlantic flights.
The minute I heard it was a go, I emailed two people from Halsey (the boarding school I attended before university): Clash -- my best friend from those days, and Jess Wainwright -- the teacher I had a massive crush on. Clash wrote back almost immediately, suggesting drinks the second night I was in town. She and I haven't talked for years -- I got her email from Halsey's alum website -- I was excited to catch up with her.
As was her custom, it took Jess almost a week to respond:
"What a lovely surprise, Alex! Why don't you come for tea at school on Wednesday after your meeting, and we can spend the afternoon catching up? Bring your swimming costume -- practices are still on Wednesday!"
With the Atlantic Ocean between us, Jess's pull had faded over time. It was only when I started dating a woman my sophomore year in college that it all clicked into place, and I finally realised that my crush on Jess Wainwright was actually the first time I fell in love with a woman.
She was never far from my thoughts -- I wrote her letters and emails every now and then: long, sprawling streams of consciousness updating her on my life as an American college student. A handful of times a year, she would send me short, but warm, replies. I cherished those responses; reading and re-reading her words that always wished me well, encouraged me when things were hard, and reminded me of what I'd already accomplished.
I came out to her in one of those emails, raving about my first girlfriend. Her reply -- when it eventually materialised -- was one of happiness that I'd found happiness, with not an ounce of judgement. I remember feeling so relieved that she took the news well. Characteristically, her email was pithy and, consistent with her other correspondence with me, was not at all revealing in terms of what was going on in her life. She remained an enticing mystery.
In the midst of the relationships I entered into in college, I never fully confessed to anyone Jess's constant presence in my heart. My college best friend, Annie, had an inkling that Jess was more than just a cool teacher from boarding school. The truth was, the idea of anything approaching romantic happening with Jess was so out of the realm of possibility that it seemed ludicrous to discuss it out loud. Clash probably suspected something too, but never pushed me to reveal my yearnings for Jess.
As a first year analyst at a boutique investment banking firm, I now found myself on the brink of returning to the UK. Mona was happy for me to stretch the trip from a Wednesday meeting into a longer stay over the weekend in London, as long as I paid for the extra nights and stayed on track for the project.
When Jess wrote back, my immediate reaction was utter joy that she didn't reject my offer to meet out of hand. My second reaction was abject fear of having to step foot in Halsey again. Wouldn't it be completely obvious to everyone that I was there to visit Jess and Jess alone? I wondered if I had spent enough time away from Halsey to have moved us beyond a teacher/student dynamic -- and I wondered if I would still react to seeing her the way I used to when I was a teenager. I got a haircut, and put more thought into what I packed to wear than I ever had for any trip. No understatement then, to say that this was a week that I was very much looking forward to.
JESS
"Miss Wainwright?" A voice broke into my thoughts.
"Yes!" I exclaimed, "Sorry -- I was thinking about something else -- what was your question?"
"What's next?" A girl asked. There were three of them in the Dark Room with me: Sarah, Yasmine, and Gwen -- willing volunteers for a massive tidy up and organization reboot.
"Let's tackle the storage cabinet. It used to be completely organised, but it's a little bit of a dog's dinner as you can see. Can you please sort through 5 years' worth of haphazard categorisation -- if you can call it that?"
There were some mild groans of protest, but the trio quickly got on with the task, leaving me to return to my thoughts. Alex Mak, coming for a visit. Alex Mak, who made my first year at Halsey one of the more memorable ones I've had at the school. She had been the one who first took the initiative to make the Dark Room a proper teaching environment beyond the bare-bones set-up the school allowed me when I arrived. Reference books, supplies, exhibition archives, all in their proper places. Her email about her visit was what prompted me to realise that we hadn't kept up her good work.
She was a great student -- always willing to help, fun to be around, bright, and an exceptional athlete. Most of the school swimming records still have her name next to them. We got along famously; I remember constantly dissolving into fits of laughter with her over some little thing, and never being able to explain to anyone exactly what it was that tickled us so.
I knew some colleagues were unhappy about how much Alex spent time with me, but I ended up ignoring them. Besides, Alex never explicitly behaved in a way that made it awkward between us. Honestly, I didn't really think anything of how well we got along. I happily grew accustomed to her presence during the school day, and never once regretted how close we became.
The last time we spent any time together was Alex's last day at school. I found her and her younger sister nervously waiting in the front hall, surrounded by an enormous pile of luggage. The cab they were expecting hadn't shown up, and they were due at the airport for their flight home. I offered to give them a ride to Heathrow and her eyes whipped up to meet mine. What I thought I saw was a momentary flash of disbelief. Alex demurred at first, but when I insisted further, she agreed.
Even though I have not seen her since I drove them to Heathrow that day, Alex has diligently kept in touch -- so diligent in fact, that I often felt like I had a ring side seat to her college life, including when she came out (something I was initially surprised by, but made total sense the more I thought about it).
I was looking forward to seeing how the once gangly teenager had changed. In the time since her email to me, I have found my mind drifting to her visit, surprisingly more than a little curious to see what the adult Alex thinks of me now... and me of her.
--DAY ONE
AFTERNOON
--
ALEX
The trip to Halsey went by quicker than I expected. Before I knew it, I was strolling up through the school gates to the security post at the front entrance.
"Afternoon sir -- how may I help you?" said the security guard, whom I instantly recognised from my days at school.
"Hi Joe -- it's me, Alex Mak! Haven't been back in 5 years, the hair's much shorter now, so you probably didn't recognise me!" I said, ignoring the fact that he mistook me for a guy.
"Lord above! Alexandra! All grown up! Sorry about that -- I can't believe I didn't recognise you! Halsey's changed a lot, you'll see! We've got a new Art building now. Who are you here to see today?" Joe asked as he scanned the visitor log.
"Miss Wainwright. I'm in town from the US for a client meeting. So I thought I'd come by for a visit." I looked around, breathing in the familiar smells of the school.
"That's a long way to travel, young lady. Let me see if I can get Miss Wainwright on the phone -- oh no need. Here she comes now!" Joe said, pointing to his right. "Here's your visitor's badge, just remember to give it back to me when you leave, or leave it with a member of staff. They'll know what to do with it."
"Thanks Joe," I said, "see you later!"
I started across the driveway towards Jess. She was dressed as she always was, casual trousers and a v-neck long-sleeved top -- and, as if I had been tossed back in time -- I found myself stunned by her beauty. Her hair was a little longer now, and those beautiful green eyes still had the power to stop me in my tracks. As I stood staring at her, it became instantly clear that I was still deeply attracted to her -- and that what I was feeling was so much more than an adolescent crush.
She walked steadily towards me, and waved, flashing me a gorgeous smile. I waved back as casually as I could, heart pounding, fully aware that she had absolutely no idea what she was doing to me. As she neared, I made a split second decision and enveloped her in the biggest hug I'd ever given anyone. She laughed out loud and said, "I see Joe let you in! Welcome back, Alex!"
I reluctantly let her go, my arms tingling from the proximity of her body. "It is so good to see you again. I didn't know how I would feel coming back here. But it's not as strange as I thought it would be."
Even though she had not changed a bit, she looked even more beautiful than I remembered.
"Well, come in. I have swimming practice at 5, but we can have some tea now, and then catch up after that. I don't suppose you want to come to practice?" Jess started leading the way into the school's main building.
"Is Miss Patterson about? I joked, wondering if Jess remembered the time when the Deputy Headmistress tried to limit the time I spent with her.
"It's on a need-to-know basis..." Jess immediately replied. We looked at each other and laughed. I loved the idea of Jess and I having an inside joke. "Actually, Liz Patterson moved on to another school two years ago, so we are in the clear, my friend."
She quickly trotted through the front entrance hall, and I followed swiftly behind, doing my utmost not to jump up and down ecstatically over the fact that she called me her friend.
JESS
That was no gangly teenager at the front entrance. Alex is, I think, what they would call a handsome woman. Taller now than I remember her to be, probably around 5'9", with neatly cropped straight black hair, but the same warm brown eyes and friendly smile. I confess to having felt a slight thrill to being embraced by Alex.
I found myself trying to remember if she had this effect on me while she was still at school; I certainly had never reacted like this to a woman before -- well, not so instantaneously, anyway. In the haze of those first moments of seeing her again, all I could register was the fact that my body was hyper-aware of Alex's presence.
Now, as she fetched two cups of tea from across the staff dining room, I took the opportunity to study her a little more. She was wearing a blue gingham dress shirt, tucked into worn blue jeans with a black belt. Her shoulders had become even broader than when she was at school, tapering down to slim hips and strong legs -- a typical swimmer's body. Her sleeves were rolled up, revealing tanned and muscled forearms.
I flashed back suddenly to a moment in the dark room, many years ago. An odd, but familiar, sensation returned to the pit of my stomach. I tried not to think about it.
