First Time with a Woman
I remember that night like it was yesterday, even though this event happened over 20 years ago.
We were in her apartment going over what we needed at the grocery store so that we could relax and have dinner together that night, alone. Her children were going with their father for the weekend. My children were on sleep overs with their friends. I volunteered to do the shopping and was preparing a list while sitting at the kitchen table. She was with her two girls in their bedroom getting their things together for their weekend at their Dad's.
She came into the kitchen and leaned into me as I wrote things down on the small slip of paper. I could feel her warmth as she was in my personal space and as she spoke I began to inhale her. It suddenly occurred to me that I didn't want her to move, not for a minute, nor did I want to leave to go to the store, even knowing that I would return shortly. I just didn't want that moment to end.
It was daunting but comfortable. Like we were frozen in time. Seemed like forever but only a few brief minutes had passed during that memorable interlude that seemed to have lasted much, much longer.
After reviewing the short list, she spoke softly, almost like whispering, as she added a couple of items I had forgotten. The moment was over as she turned, whisking her hair over her ear retreating back to her children in the bedroom.
I was in a trance as I left shouting to her that I would be back soon. Driving down the street, my mind started racing out of control. I was going over what had just happened between us and dissected my feelings trying to understand why I felt the way that I did.
The feelings that I was having seemed very familiar, but the situation was very, very different. I started to ask myself and I think it was out loud, what was happening? Why and what was it that I was experiencing? What is this strong feeling that had come over me?? Surely it wasn't sexual or was it?
It wasn't sexual, I asked myself, as I truly wasn't lusting after her, or was I? Could it be possible that I wanted more from her? Was this what it was all leading up to?? She and I doing the same-sex thing? Did she feel the same way or was I just imagining that she was lusting for me too? My mind was flooded with questions that I knew only she could answer. I couldn't wait to get back to her and see her reaction when we confronted our feelings.
I picked up my cell phone and called her. It was long before using cell phones while driving was prohibited. I asked her what she was feeling when she was near me a few minutes ago. In my personal space...I wanted to hear what she thought or if she felt those same feelings as I did.
She knew what I meant and that she thought it was 'nice'. It seemed those desires were stirring in her also. Neither of us realized what was going on between us, or maybe we did and didn't want to acknowledge or act upon it. This was a totally unexplored area for both of us. I was unsure what to expect or how to act the next time I was with her and I certainly didn't trust myself.
I realized in that short period of time that it
was
a love I was experiencing and those
were sexual
feelings I was having for her. We had a very deep connection with each other and we both knew it. A bond that comes along so rarely when you find someone that you feel so comfortable and special about.
When I arrived back at the apartment she was in her bedroom putting laundry away. I went into the kitchen placing the groceries on the table. When she entered the kitchen I could tell she was embarrassed about our phone conversation and didn't look at me. I too, didn't know how to react to what we had discussed. The girls had already left for their weekend visit with their Dad. So there we were... alone.
'So, what do you think about what I said?' I questioned her.