I have never had any lesbian experiences. It was something I would think about once in a while, lesbian erotica, but not take seriously enough to be a preference. So after everything that has happened, it somewhat surprises me and makes me see a different side of my self.
I was twenty-four, newly relocated after being hired as a designer for a publishing company. I was so excited over getting this job as it was in an industry I wanted to pursue myself in a few years, by then as a writer. My department was quite small enough for us to be very friendly with each other. Work was work, but during break times and off office hours, it was easy hanging out and after a few weeks on the job, I have gotten pretty close to some.
One Saturday night, P, my colleague, called me up and invited me to a drinking party his ex, S, was throwing. I was amused that this thirty-year old man was still in need of a security blanket. Just to make sure I do not make a fool of myself, he half-joked. I did not have anything planned for the night and agreed. Wear your most smashing outfit, he added cheekily, a few of eligible bachelors there.
We arrived at S's house around nine. Her friends welcomed us warmly. After a few minutes of casual talk, everyone was joking with me as if I were a long time friend of the group's, which was fine by me because it was a fun group to be with.
A couple of drinks and dances later, the doorbell rang and S went to answer. As J and I returned after a crazy rendition of a tango, laughing hysterically all throughout, we sank into the sofa—and then my eyes met the confrontational stare of a shockingly red-haired beauty.
My laugh grew silent and my neck tensed up. For a fraction of a moment, a piercing quietness suddenly descended, at least in my head. Then I caught myself staring back and half mumbled an introduction and extended my hand. She smiled, "I'm M, nice dancing," accepting my hand as if nothing happened.
I wondered, was the staring part tricks my imagination? Anyway, I tried to act cool as she was introduced to the rest, a friend of S's from work, even if my head was going mildly haywire.
During the course of the night, I would catch her stealing glances—actually, I was not even sure if they were stealing glances or just coincidental looking, but regardless, it astonished me that it made me feel a bit giddy and made my cat do small claps of excitement. Admittedly, I was confused as well why she had that effect on me. I would sometimes smile back and she would nod and turn back to the person she was in conversation with. Very slim, elegant woman, with intense eyes, and that fiery hair.
Whenever she would cross the room to get drinks or change the music being played, her slender frame so graceful and limber, under that fit sweater and jeans, my eyes were addicted, stealing whatever peeks I hoped went unnoticed. When she laughed or just talked, my ears would zero in on her voice despite the noise in the room.
One time J's hand playfully lingered on my knee and everyone was teasing him about copping a feel and we all laughed, she casually looked at me, as if trying to read me, then meeting my eyes, she would smile. It was so odd. My heart pounded every time our eyes would meet and this was caused by a person I hardly knew and barely talked with the whole night.
Rounds of beer later, people were one by one leaving as it was getting pretty late. Soon, it was just the three of us left, me with M and J. "I'll go check if P's ready to head home now," I mumbled. I found P and S slow dancing in the next room and decided to give P a couple more minutes—they were surprisingly sweet to each other the whole night. I headed for the bathroom to freshen up.
My face was close to zombie-like. It has been a while since I partied until three in the morning. When I got back, M and J were seated on the sofa. An empty space beside M. She motioned for me to sit beside her and I did. Seated so close to her, I could smell her perfume and closed my eyes to just enjoy her smell and the warmth of her body.
"So I guess P has other plans to cap off the night. I can take you home if you want, I'm dropping off J anyway," she said softly. I opened my eyes and looked at her, how long have I been asleep? Then I saw her face, rolled to its side, barely three inches away from mine. I just looked at her, dumbfounded by her aura. I saw her lips moving. She was asking something, but it was not registering. I do not know what came over me—the intimacy of the dimly-lit room or the soft music or the beer or her eyes, I just closed my eyes again, leaned over the three inches and kissed her softly on the lips.
Five seconds later, I pulled back, the shock of what I just did hitting me. Instantly, I was awake as if someone doused me with ice-cold water. After mumbling a hasty 'Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry', I stood up, grabbed my coat and literally ran outside.
I really didn't know what to do. I went for a walk. I was embarrassed. Freaked out if P found out (and told in the office!). Hell, freaked out I kissed a woman! I was self-hating at the same time smiling. I cannot believe I just did that, I laughed. Two blocks later, I decided this craziness must end and started to head back.
M and J were standing by the door as I approached. "Hey, you. We're heading home. I told P I'm bringing you home and gee, he didn't really put up a fight," laughed M. "Come on, he gave me your address already."
Great, thanks a lot, P. Well, at least the drive home will be uneventful as possible having J with us, I thought. "And you're riding shotgun, J's place is up first," she added.
"Okay," I mumbled and flashed her a smile. Act normal, I nagged myself.
