The second chapter of Sarah and Layla's story, read and review as always.
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The first rays of sunlight streamed in through my blinds on this cold morning, and my eyes fluttered open to see Layla still asleep in my embrace. I smiled to myself as the memories of last night came rushing back, relieved that this was real, relieved that I'd been honest with myself and with her. Layla shifted and I saw her pretty eyes open, and I couldn't hold back from her seeing my smile.
"Hi, you," I greeted happily with a peck on the forehead. "Sleep well?"
"Like a dream," she responded, snuggling back into my arms.
"So, we should probably talk about what this is," I began. I would be lying if I wasn't apprehensive about this conversation, but Layla was so important to me and I don't want to screw this up.
"Layla, I really like you. You're so, so smart and funny and kind, any girl would be lucky to be with you and I want to be that girl so much. I hope you'll trust that I'm being genuine," I continued, stroking the curtain of hair out of her face.
"I want this too, I'm just kind of scared," she admitted. "Sarah, you're so good at everything, you're smart, confident, everyone likes you. I've dreamed about being with you so many times, and I always wake up and think about how y...you can do so much better than me," Layla said, her eyes shining.
Something in my heart broke and I pulled Layla closer. "Sweetheart," her expression changing at the endearment, "I've never felt anything before like what I do when I'm with you. My friends, my family, they like the version of me that I show to them, the one that gets their approval. Around you, when we're together, I can be myself." I was starting to tear up myself, but I tried to keep going. "I'm still not sure of my sexuality, but all I know is that I want to try to be your girlfriend, because it just feels right." I pulled her into a tight hug and we just stayed that way for a few minutes, neither of us wanting to let go.
"Sorry. Didn't expect that to be a whole speech," I said when we finally broke apart, eliciting a smile on Layla's face.
"It's okay. Had to be done," she replied. "So what do we do now? Are we girlfriends now?"
"Seems like labeling it might put a lot of pressure on us at first," I reasoned as I always did. "Maybe we could just start by going on a real date?"
"I'd like that, just spending more time with you."
"Also, um, one other thing," I remembered. "Is it okay if we don't tell people about us yet? I'm not going to avoid you at school or anything, it's just that my parents can be pretty homophobic sometimes and I don't know how long it'll take for me to come out, and I'm nervous about things getting back to them. I don't want any of their stuff to fall back on you either, you've had a lot to deal with already." My expression was downcast as I said that and I hope she couldn't pick up on it.
"That's okay. It's not like they'd know who I am, anyway."
"Someday, okay? I want them to get to see the person who makes me happy, just as long as you don't get hurt."
With our feelings finally out in the open, we could properly get up and prepare for the day. Layla had to be home to get some homework done, so we moved quickly through our routines until she was pulling her shoes on at the front door.
"Text me when you get home, okay?" I asked.
"Always. Can't be worrying you," she answered.
I rose to my feet. "Something for the road," I said, and leaned down and kissed her. "See you Monday, Layla."
~~~
In comparison to my magical and emotional night with Layla, the girls' night with my friends the next night seemed to drag on interminably. They talked about college applications, dresses, and boys, and the last subject was the one I was most badly hoping to avoid. Erin and the other girls had taken note of my singleness and seemed committed to setting me up with a suitably attractive boyfriend to finish out high school. Part of me wondered if I could probably get them off my back by just coming out to them, but the other part of me knew it would just lead to being ostracized and probably make it back to my parents, and I didn't want anything falling back on Layla. It wasn't exactly a secret that we had gotten to know each other, and if I said I was crushing on someone they'd want details that I couldn't provide without the bottom dropping out of my stomach.
Since I wasn't talking about the prom like they were, I had a lot of time to think. A vision came to mind of Layla and I dressed beautifully, dancing to a slow song together while I held her. Being together, accepted by the people in our life, this was what I wanted so badly. Then the vision faded to the reality of being at a friend's house, the cold confines of the closet manifesting themselves. I hadn't really thought about it, but I had something of a deadline for coming out so that I could be the girlfriend that Layla deserved.
What I'd never really noticed before was how shallow my friends seemed to be. Other than Erin, who I'd known the longest, I realized none of them had ever said anything about what they wanted to major in. They talked about prom and joked about which girls wouldn't get dates, and I was starting to feel the pit in my stomach open up.
"Can't imagine she'll be there. It's not like we have any other lesbians at this school for her to go with," Rochelle, one of the girls-I hesitated to really call her my friend since she only knew the idea of me that everyone else saw-said, and I stared down at the floor as if I could burn a hole through it and hide inside.
"Does it matter? She goes to McDonald, same as any of us, I'm sure she'll be there and have a great time," I found myself saying almost too quickly. Almost immediately, shame washed over me at my questioning if I was doing the right thing by defending Layla. I was quickly realizing how shaky the foundation of my personality was. I knew I was Sarah Jackson, the likely valedictorian and popular, pretty girl, but if I didn't have the respect of my peers-or maybe envy was what I was secretly looking for-what did I truly have? Who was I, really?
A darker thought came to mind as my cheeks burned with discomfort at hiding who I was. These girls were exactly the kind of people who had bullied Layla at her last school, who had hit her self-worth so hard. I didn't exactly shy away from being seen with them, so Layla had thought I was one of them and tried to keep me at arm's length because of it. I couldn't blame her for any of it if I was too weak to stand up to my friends.
I excused myself to use the washroom and get some privacy. Pulling out my phone, I sent a quick text:
Me - Hi I miss you
The typing bubbles appeared and disappeared before a reply popped up:
Layla - I miss you too. How's it going with the Plastics?
Me - Well, they certainly wouldn't have gotten that reference.
