The second chapter of Sarah and Layla's story, read and review as always.
~~~
The first rays of sunlight streamed in through my blinds on this cold morning, and my eyes fluttered open to see Layla still asleep in my embrace. I smiled to myself as the memories of last night came rushing back, relieved that this was real, relieved that I'd been honest with myself and with her. Layla shifted and I saw her pretty eyes open, and I couldn't hold back from her seeing my smile.
"Hi, you," I greeted happily with a peck on the forehead. "Sleep well?"
"Like a dream," she responded, snuggling back into my arms.
"So, we should probably talk about what this is," I began. I would be lying if I wasn't apprehensive about this conversation, but Layla was so important to me and I don't want to screw this up.
"Layla, I really like you. You're so, so smart and funny and kind, any girl would be lucky to be with you and I want to be that girl so much. I hope you'll trust that I'm being genuine," I continued, stroking the curtain of hair out of her face.
"I want this too, I'm just kind of scared," she admitted. "Sarah, you're so good at everything, you're smart, confident, everyone likes you. I've dreamed about being with you so many times, and I always wake up and think about how y...you can do so much better than me," Layla said, her eyes shining.
Something in my heart broke and I pulled Layla closer. "Sweetheart," her expression changing at the endearment, "I've never felt anything before like what I do when I'm with you. My friends, my family, they like the version of me that I show to them, the one that gets their approval. Around you, when we're together, I can be myself." I was starting to tear up myself, but I tried to keep going. "I'm still not sure of my sexuality, but all I know is that I want to try to be your girlfriend, because it just feels right." I pulled her into a tight hug and we just stayed that way for a few minutes, neither of us wanting to let go.
"Sorry. Didn't expect that to be a whole speech," I said when we finally broke apart, eliciting a smile on Layla's face.
"It's okay. Had to be done," she replied. "So what do we do now? Are we girlfriends now?"
"Seems like labeling it might put a lot of pressure on us at first," I reasoned as I always did. "Maybe we could just start by going on a real date?"
"I'd like that, just spending more time with you."
"Also, um, one other thing," I remembered. "Is it okay if we don't tell people about us yet? I'm not going to avoid you at school or anything, it's just that my parents can be pretty homophobic sometimes and I don't know how long it'll take for me to come out, and I'm nervous about things getting back to them. I don't want any of their stuff to fall back on you either, you've had a lot to deal with already." My expression was downcast as I said that and I hope she couldn't pick up on it.
"That's okay. It's not like they'd know who I am, anyway."
"Someday, okay? I want them to get to see the person who makes me happy, just as long as you don't get hurt."
With our feelings finally out in the open, we could properly get up and prepare for the day. Layla had to be home to get some homework done, so we moved quickly through our routines until she was pulling her shoes on at the front door.
"Text me when you get home, okay?" I asked.
"Always. Can't be worrying you," she answered.
I rose to my feet. "Something for the road," I said, and leaned down and kissed her. "See you Monday, Layla."
~~~
In comparison to my magical and emotional night with Layla, the girls' night with my friends the next night seemed to drag on interminably. They talked about college applications, dresses, and boys, and the last subject was the one I was most badly hoping to avoid. Erin and the other girls had taken note of my singleness and seemed committed to setting me up with a suitably attractive boyfriend to finish out high school. Part of me wondered if I could probably get them off my back by just coming out to them, but the other part of me knew it would just lead to being ostracized and probably make it back to my parents, and I didn't want anything falling back on Layla. It wasn't exactly a secret that we had gotten to know each other, and if I said I was crushing on someone they'd want details that I couldn't provide without the bottom dropping out of my stomach.
Since I wasn't talking about the prom like they were, I had a lot of time to think. A vision came to mind of Layla and I dressed beautifully, dancing to a slow song together while I held her. Being together, accepted by the people in our life, this was what I wanted so badly. Then the vision faded to the reality of being at a friend's house, the cold confines of the closet manifesting themselves. I hadn't really thought about it, but I had something of a deadline for coming out so that I could be the girlfriend that Layla deserved.
What I'd never really noticed before was how shallow my friends seemed to be. Other than Erin, who I'd known the longest, I realized none of them had ever said anything about what they wanted to major in. They talked about prom and joked about which girls wouldn't get dates, and I was starting to feel the pit in my stomach open up.
"Can't imagine she'll be there. It's not like we have any other lesbians at this school for her to go with," Rochelle, one of the girls-I hesitated to really call her my friend since she only knew the idea of me that everyone else saw-said, and I stared down at the floor as if I could burn a hole through it and hide inside.
"Does it matter? She goes to McDonald, same as any of us, I'm sure she'll be there and have a great time," I found myself saying almost too quickly. Almost immediately, shame washed over me at my questioning if I was doing the right thing by defending Layla. I was quickly realizing how shaky the foundation of my personality was. I knew I was Sarah Jackson, the likely valedictorian and popular, pretty girl, but if I didn't have the respect of my peers-or maybe envy was what I was secretly looking for-what did I truly have? Who was I, really?
A darker thought came to mind as my cheeks burned with discomfort at hiding who I was. These girls were exactly the kind of people who had bullied Layla at her last school, who had hit her self-worth so hard. I didn't exactly shy away from being seen with them, so Layla had thought I was one of them and tried to keep me at arm's length because of it. I couldn't blame her for any of it if I was too weak to stand up to my friends.
I excused myself to use the washroom and get some privacy. Pulling out my phone, I sent a quick text:
Me - Hi I miss you
The typing bubbles appeared and disappeared before a reply popped up:
Layla - I miss you too. How's it going with the Plastics?
Me - Well, they certainly wouldn't have gotten that reference.
Me - Would much rather be with you right now.
Layla - Me too.
A tear rolled down my cheek as I stared at the message illuminated on my phone, and then another. I didn't know much about relationships, as I'd never really had one before, but I knew that I couldn't be with Layla if she didn't feel safe with me, and if I was still hanging out with the image of her past tormentors that would always be hanging over our relationship. I knew I had to find the courage to stand up to my friends at some point for my sake and hers, and if that meant coming out in the process that would just be something I'd have to deal with when it came up.
I cleaned up as quickly as I could, trying to hide the evidence that I'd been crying so they wouldn't ask any questions, and excused myself for bed. Still hoping nobody would hear me sniffling, I buried my head in my pillow and turned away from everyone, staring at one bit of wall like it held the answers to all my problems. I had finally found someone who made me feel all the things that I thought love was supposed to, but at what cost?
~~~
"Got your eye on anything for college applications?" I asked Layla at our next lunchtime. In all the turmoil of trying to figure out my identity, going to university was at least the one part of my identity that I could control.
"Dream would be to go to film school since that's been a special interest for a while, but with my grades I might not get into that, so I might just go to the local college and see what I want to do," shrugged Layla. "How about you?"
"Love that! I know you'd be great at that," I smiled. "I want to do biology, and there are some good schools near here, so I might be able to save money staying closer to home. You want to stay in the area or go farther afield?"
Layla seemed to withdraw inside herself at this question, but I had known her long enough that I could tell I'd hit a bit of a nerve. "Hey, hey, it's okay," I consoled as I reached under the table to hold her hand, looking into her beautiful eyes as I did. "We don't have to make any decisions yet, and we can talk about things when they come up. How are you feeling?"
"I don't know why I did that. I guess it's just that I don't have great memories here, so I want to get as far away from here as possible, but you're important to me too and I don't want to lose what we have by ending up halfway across the country," she admitted.
I tried to ease her nerves with a subtle smile and squeezed her hand tighter. "It's okay. If either of us gets in somewhere, we'll talk about it, okay? You're really special to me, and I want to be with you. I want to be your girlfriend." Her eyes widened at that last sentence, so I quickly added, "If you'll have me, of course."
Layla squeezed my hand even tighter and nodded. "Are you sure? I know we said we weren't going to label it or anything," she asked.
"I know, I know," I confessed. "I did some thinking about it when I was at that sleepover, and I want this, want us. I really like you and I want to make you happy because you deserve it," I finished. "I do also still owe you that date, and I plan to make good on that."
~~~
Things between us seemed to go smoothly from there. We had settled into a solid routine with our classes and would study together when we could. Even though I still hadn't built up the courage to come out at school or to my family, I was getting over my nerves and letting myself enjoy the time I got to spend with Layla. I didn't know what would happen when school ended in a few months, but for once I could stop overanalyzing everything and just be.
The time I got to spend in my burgeoning relationship hadn't gone unnoticed by my friends, as I kept brushing off invitations to hang out with them and was probably making them suspicious. To be honest, being with Layla was helping me realize that I didn't really like the other girls that much, I just kind of ended up in their group and because I was popular I didn't realize how superficial they were. I wasn't sure if I could keep things from Erin, though. I had known her since we were in grade school-living in a smaller town does that-but it just didn't feel right keeping this secret from her.
