Even before landing upon the bed Pam's emotions overwhelmed her. She was angry. She felt violated and that a trust had been betrayed. She was also bewildered as to why there was an initial excitement before her anger surfaced. She was angry at Betty but more so at herself for not securing a copies of the photos.
She had conflicting feelings. She felt some revolt and hatred for the betrayal for the act. Yet, she loved Betty as a friend and now as a close family member.
She also was disturbed for again a little excitement growing as she calmed knowing that her sister-in-law had fantasies about her. It was akin the feelings when as a teen her body was well along in its development and she noticed men turning to look at her as she walked past. Then her heart fluttered with giddiness as being viewed by handsome men as attractive.
Over the years, like many young women, Pam accepted and lived with the fact that there would be men, both friends and strangers, who would look at her with lust and undress her with their eyes. She no longer noticed it. Intellectually she knew that there were women who were intimate with other women, but until that afternoon, other than a passing idle curiosity, such thoughts in that direction never entered her mind. She was not prepared to learn that another woman would ever look at her picture in a lustful manner. The reality had hit her hard in the face.
When she heard the tap, Pam ignored it because she did not want to talk with Betty. When the louder knock sounded in her ears she could not utter "Enter." Instinctively she knew if they did not talk there would be a tense air hanging over them all as they handed out the gifts in the morning. Yet she remained silent with her head in her pillow crying.
Betty slipped into the room and was pleased that her brother was not there. She stood there for several long minutes before Pam looked at her.
When she did look at Betty, Pam informed her that Jeff had fallen asleep on the sofa while she took to long in the bath. As she sat in a small padded chair Betty nodded that she understood.
There was a deathly silence until Betty offered an apology with tears starting to flow, "Pam I am so so sorry." When Pam went to speak, Betty held up her hand, "Please let me finish. I have betrayed you and our relationship. I wish I could say I don't know why I was doing it but that would be a lie. I know why and the why is not excusable. I have destroyed your respect and trust in me. Knowing that I have hurt you tremendously grieves me. Seeing the anguish on your face cut me and will forever be an open wound in my heart."
Taking a deep breath Betty continued, "I want to ask for your forgiveness and am prepared to do anything to make it up to you. Yet I cannot ask for your forgiveness as I do not deserve it and it would be too soon for you to give it. You have been one of my best friends and I have lost that friendship because of my irrational act and stupidity. I hope that over time we will heal the damage I have caused. And I hope that we will be able to put on a brace face as well all celebrate Christmas together." The more Betty did her mea copa the more the tears flowed.
That Betty accepted responsibility and looked her in the eyes did not escape Pam's notice. These were not mere words to Betty. They were spoken with all sincerity and contrition. After speaking, Betty took a couple of deep breaths and closed her eyes before she rose to leave.
"Do not go. I have a few things to say too," Pam responded as Betty reached the door. She turned ready to receive what she deserved.
"You are right. I feel that you betrayed me. I am angry. But you are not just my sister-in-law, you are also Royce's godmother. I am not going to entertain the thought that our friendship has ended. My anger is for what you did, not at you....that does not make sense....what I mean is the act more than you personally."
Betty nodded she understood.
Pam continued, "I expect some boys and men to treat me and other women merely as a sex object, but not another woman, let alone my sister-in-law and friend. I want to find it within my heart to forgive you quickly but to help me to do so I need to understand some things first."
Betty nodded again in shame before wiping her hand across her face to wipe the tears away. Pam took a box of tissue and held it out to her. Betty gratefully took several tissues.
Taking her by the hand Pam gently commanded, "Sit. He me to understand what happened and why. I confess that I have some curiosities, but those curiosities are not behind my questions. Is that understood? Good. Now tell me when you first started to fantasying about me and what led up to it. Start from the beginning."