Even before landing upon the bed Pam's emotions overwhelmed her. She was angry. She felt violated and that a trust had been betrayed. She was also bewildered as to why there was an initial excitement before her anger surfaced. She was angry at Betty but more so at herself for not securing a copies of the photos.
She had conflicting feelings. She felt some revolt and hatred for the betrayal for the act. Yet, she loved Betty as a friend and now as a close family member.
She also was disturbed for again a little excitement growing as she calmed knowing that her sister-in-law had fantasies about her. It was akin the feelings when as a teen her body was well along in its development and she noticed men turning to look at her as she walked past. Then her heart fluttered with giddiness as being viewed by handsome men as attractive.
Over the years, like many young women, Pam accepted and lived with the fact that there would be men, both friends and strangers, who would look at her with lust and undress her with their eyes. She no longer noticed it. Intellectually she knew that there were women who were intimate with other women, but until that afternoon, other than a passing idle curiosity, such thoughts in that direction never entered her mind. She was not prepared to learn that another woman would ever look at her picture in a lustful manner. The reality had hit her hard in the face.
When she heard the tap, Pam ignored it because she did not want to talk with Betty. When the louder knock sounded in her ears she could not utter "Enter." Instinctively she knew if they did not talk there would be a tense air hanging over them all as they handed out the gifts in the morning. Yet she remained silent with her head in her pillow crying.
Betty slipped into the room and was pleased that her brother was not there. She stood there for several long minutes before Pam looked at her.
When she did look at Betty, Pam informed her that Jeff had fallen asleep on the sofa while she took to long in the bath. As she sat in a small padded chair Betty nodded that she understood.
There was a deathly silence until Betty offered an apology with tears starting to flow, "Pam I am so so sorry." When Pam went to speak, Betty held up her hand, "Please let me finish. I have betrayed you and our relationship. I wish I could say I don't know why I was doing it but that would be a lie. I know why and the why is not excusable. I have destroyed your respect and trust in me. Knowing that I have hurt you tremendously grieves me. Seeing the anguish on your face cut me and will forever be an open wound in my heart."
Taking a deep breath Betty continued, "I want to ask for your forgiveness and am prepared to do anything to make it up to you. Yet I cannot ask for your forgiveness as I do not deserve it and it would be too soon for you to give it. You have been one of my best friends and I have lost that friendship because of my irrational act and stupidity. I hope that over time we will heal the damage I have caused. And I hope that we will be able to put on a brace face as well all celebrate Christmas together." The more Betty did her mea copa the more the tears flowed.
That Betty accepted responsibility and looked her in the eyes did not escape Pam's notice. These were not mere words to Betty. They were spoken with all sincerity and contrition. After speaking, Betty took a couple of deep breaths and closed her eyes before she rose to leave.
"Do not go. I have a few things to say too," Pam responded as Betty reached the door. She turned ready to receive what she deserved.
"You are right. I feel that you betrayed me. I am angry. But you are not just my sister-in-law, you are also Royce's godmother. I am not going to entertain the thought that our friendship has ended. My anger is for what you did, not at you....that does not make sense....what I mean is the act more than you personally."
Betty nodded she understood.
Pam continued, "I expect some boys and men to treat me and other women merely as a sex object, but not another woman, let alone my sister-in-law and friend. I want to find it within my heart to forgive you quickly but to help me to do so I need to understand some things first."
Betty nodded again in shame before wiping her hand across her face to wipe the tears away. Pam took a box of tissue and held it out to her. Betty gratefully took several tissues.
Taking her by the hand Pam gently commanded, "Sit. He me to understand what happened and why. I confess that I have some curiosities, but those curiosities are not behind my questions. Is that understood? Good. Now tell me when you first started to fantasying about me and what led up to it. Start from the beginning."
Betty started with the kiss that night with her roommate and the party. Pam listened carefully as she lay upon the bed as her sister-in-law described in rather graphic details what happened at the party. Betty had moved to lay on the bed too as she spoke. As she got to the day after the party, a day that Betty felt was the foundation for what she and Pam did that afternoon, she leaned her head against Pam's chest as she continued.
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Betty did not remain through to the end of the party. As she walked back to campus around midnight her feelings and thoughts jumbled together. Wanda's kiss was seductively powerful. Betty would have given herself to Wanda if she but asked. Yet as she walked home her rationale self told her not to go there, it was too much of a big risk. She wanted and needed men, not women. She loved to the hardness of a man in her and the roughness of his body. Yet, there was this curiosity that Wanda further fueled with her comments and kiss.
Before she entered her dorm room Betty knew that Wanda would not seduce her unless that was something that Betty truly wanted. Wanda did not want a woman who was swept away by emotions only to have regrets. She wanted her lover to be swept away intentional desires. Wanda wanted a willing heart that would not regret making love to another woman. "If I do this", Betty thought, "Wanda is the type of woman I would want to be with."
Sleep that night was hard pressed and restless when it did occur. One moment she was willing to call Wanda in the morning, the next fear and guilt took hold over what she was wanting. At one moment she was confident that she would not make the call only to have the curiosity and desire stir her interest to make the call. She was only glad about two things, that if she took the step she was not rushing into her first sexual relationship with another woman. And that Kara, her roommate, was not there to witness her restlessness. Just before ten-thirty the next morning, she called Wanda and said she would join her and her friends. Once the call was made sleep called her forth into its peaceful comfort.
Kara did not get to the dorm until well after two o'clock. When she entered the room Kara had a bright smile on her face. Though Betty asked what the smile was about, Kara did not tell her.
Just before eight that evening Betty walked seven blocks to Wanda's home. They felt it would be much better for her to meet them there than for Wanda to be seen picking her up outside the dorm. When she arrived she found that three women had already arrived. Sitting on a lounge chair sat Andrea a twenty-six year old woman married to a Larry, a MBA student she met the prior evening. Sitting on the sofa dressed in blue jeans and a white cotton blouse was Ellie a mid thirty-something mother of three married to a professor of mathematics. Betty was surprised to see Carol from her dorm floor. Carol was a brilliant freshman who completed high school in three years. This freshman from her dorm six days before celebrated her eighteenth birthday. Carol's was dressed in a white camisole and a tight black skirt that rested between the top of her thighs and knees.
When she noticed a glass of wine in Carol's hands Betty raised her eyebrows. Wanda must have noticed because she quietly told her, "Linda, Carol's mother is a good friend of Ellie. Linda promised that if Carol remained a virgin until she was eighteen and out of high school that she would help introduce her to the joys and pleasures of adulthood. One of those pleasures is a high quality Boudreaux. Later she will have her first Champaign. Tonight and tomorrow, she is being introduced to adulthood by Ellie. Tonight she gets one side of that life and tomorrow afternoon the other."