It's very early when Pete crawls into bed. Close to 4 am on Sunday. Vivien and I didn't talk all day Saturday after she left while I was still sleeping. I had to wash the sheets, pillow cases, my clothes... her scent was everywhere. My mind keeps taking me to a place that I don't want to go.
Her hands on my thighs. Her tongue between my thighs.
No. I have to snap myself out of this. Pete drapes and arm over me gently and kisses my head, trying not to wake me. A feeling in the pit of my stomach gnaws at me and I want to spring out of bed and tell him what happened. I want to tell him that Vivien made me come over and over again. I want to tell him that if he wants to leave me I'll understand.
Thankfully, my body obeys my command and does not move.
I wake up to the sun shining through the curtains. Pete is sound asleep and I sneak out of bed. I put on a pot of coffee and my phone beeps from across the room. My heart stills. I can hear it beating in my ears, so I know it hasn't stopped completely. I walk gingerly over to my phone as if I'm sneaking up on it.
I nearly collapse when I see that it's a text from my dear from, Kim. Kim and I met over 10 years ago and we were instantly best buds.
"Call me when you can."
I pick up the phone and dial right away.
"Hey!" her sunny voice beams through the phone at me.
"Hey, you. Just got your text. What's up, love?"
"Well, I was hoping that since I haven't seen you in FOREVER that you could get lunch with me today. I'll be down by you anyway for rehearsal around 11, but I'm free after noon," she sounds hopeful.
"I would love that. Call me when you're out of rehearsal."
We hang up and for the first time since Vivien left I feel a giant sense of relief. I'm pouring coffee into a comically large mug when Pete stumbles into the kitchen. He smiles his gorgeous smile at me and nearly throws himself at me.
"I missed you! I barely heard from you, too. You must've been some busy lady," he says into my hair.
"I'm sorry, darling. I am so happy that you're home," I take his face into my hands and I'm suddenly wearing a scarlet letter. I can feel my face turning bright red and I glance at the couch where Vivien made me come so hard that I had to clean my own juices off the leather and the oak beneath where I sat.
"Are you OK?" he gazes at me.
I blink hard and look back at him, "Fine, why?"
"You just seem a little distracted I guess," his brow is furrowed.
"I'm just thinking about work stuff. That's all. I'm sorry. Shall I pour you some coffee?" I turn around so that I don't have to look at him anymore and pour him a cup.
Pete and I sit on the couch and he tells me that the publisher loves his stuff and wants to work out a deal. Pete tells me that he's got to go back to New York from Monday morning until Friday afternoon or so. I tell him that I'm sad he's going, but I'm also scared to be left alone now.
What if Vivien wants to come over and do it again? The thought brings that familiar warmth between my legs and I cross them. Pete starts to pack so that he can leave again tomorrow and I go to meet Kim for lunch.
Over BLTs and bloody marys, Kim and I talk about everything as usual. I am disappointed when I can't bring myself to tell her about Vivien. This girl is my best friend and has never judged me, ever. I just can't. I glance up when I see a vivacious blonde woman strutting down the sidewalk and for a moment I am petrified.
It's not Vivien. I tell Kim that we should get together again soon, but I know I won't see her for awhile. She's an opera singer. I hug her tight, proud of my opera singer friend, and make my way home.
I open my work email thinking perhaps Vivien might have emailed me at least about something work related. Not a peep. Pete walks into the room wearing a very tight t-shirt and his skinny jeans from years ago.
"Do you think this is too revealing for my interview on Wednesday?" he poses in the doorway.
I giggle and nod emphatically. He turns to go back into the bedroom and looks back at me, "If you follow me, maybe I'll let you take it off of me... if you can," he smiles and walks into our room.
I want to follow him. I know what he wants from me. I just... don't feel it. He peeks his head around the corner, "Evey? You coming?"
"I just have a lot of work emails to sort through before tomorrow," I say and blush instantly knowing it's a lie.
"But I'm leaving tomorrow. I won't be back for a whole week!"
"I know... tonight, baby. OK?"
He nods and shakes his butt at me as he walks back into our room.
I am in the bathroom getting ready for bed and I find myself lost in thought. I'm half thinking about Vivien and half thinking about how to get out of what I promised Pete. Why don't I want to have sex with him? Does one lesbian encounter make me gay?