Emily had been here before. Not literally - this was a different term, different year, different room - but the feeling was the same. That quiet, low-level ache of being completely unremarkable. Back at square one. Nobody's person. Nobody's plan.
After Grace, it hit harder. She couldn't even pretend it was just Oxford being cold. She'd been warm, briefly. Chosen. Seen. Inside the circle. And now she was out again, and somehow even more aware of it than the first time.
She saw them outside a café one afternoon - Siobhan and Florence, laughing about something. Florence met her eyes for a second and gave a small, noncommittal smile.
She kept telling herself to get over it. That she'd had too much. That she'd gotten too close, been allowed too far in. That she should've known better. Should've played it cooler. Should've said less. Should've needed less.
"Stupid, stupid. You were lucky to even be let that close." - she thought to herself.
But that didn't stop the ache. It didn't stop the way her hand hovered over her phone late at night, or how often she checked Grace's IG profile, knowing there'd be nothing new.
Her dormmates were friendly enough, but not close. She sat through dinners with them like a ghost - polite laugh, nod, a comment about the food. Nothing stuck. She was invisible again.
The difference now was that she knew what it felt like to not be.
In the evenings, she walked around the city just to stay out of her room. Pretended to be interested in seminar discussions. No one seemed to notice. Maybe she was getting good at hiding it. Or maybe no one was looking.
****
She was back in her room. The clock on her phone said 23:41. She wasn't tired, just... hollow.
It had been three weeks. Twenty one days since the pub. Twenty one nights since Grace walked out of the toilet with someone else and didn't look back. Since then, silence. Not even angry silence. Worse - the kind that doesn't even carry intention.
Emily knew she shouldn't still be here. Not emotionally, not mentally, not in this loop.
But here she was. Again. Scrolling through their old messages, thumb moving automatically. The in-jokes, the links Grace used to send without context. The voice notes. That one stupid photo Grace took of her at 1 a.m., laughing with a chip in her mouth.
She played one of the voice notes again. Grace's voice came through, scratchy, amused: "You're so dramatic. I love it." That had been in October. A whole other season.
She had written the message before. A dozen different versions. Angry ones, sad ones, calm ones pretending not to care. She'd deleted them all. Each time, she told herself: wait. Just wait. Let it pass.
But tonight, something cracked. She didn't know why. Maybe it was how quiet everything felt. Maybe it was that she'd gone all day without hearing her own name spoken aloud.
Whatever it was, it tipped the scale.
She picked up her phone. Opened the chat. Fingers hovering. Breath tight.
And then she started typing.
Emily: I'm sorry. I don't want to fight. I just miss you. Even just talking. I don't know.
She stared at the screen for a long time after sending it, half-expecting the typing dots to appear right away. But nothing came. Five minutes. Ten. Still nothing. She kept checking, cycling through apps, pretending she wasn't just waiting. At some point, time blurred.
Then, suddenly, it was 3.07 a.m. She was lying flat on her back, staring at the ceiling in the dark, heart dull and slow.
And then - her phone buzzed.
Grace: If you're about to preach at me again or spiral, maybe let's just save ourselves both the drama. Cool?
Emily blinked at the screen, chest tight.
Emily: No drama. I just want to see you.
She waited. Nothing.
The rest of the night passed in fragments. A few hours of uneasy sleep, a half-hearted lecture in the morning, coffee that went cold untouched. Her phone sat heavy in her pocket all day. Every buzz lit up her chest. Every silence flattened it again.
It wasn't until after lunch the next day that Grace finally replied.
Grace: Fine. I am just sorting the flyers for the rent strike thing. If you really need to come by, meet me here, I could use some help with this.
And that was it.
