Dying To Come Out

I would like to thank everyone for their comments and feedback from the last series. If you've read that series, you know a little about me. I am happy now and I hope that you all continue to read my work. As always feel free to leave comments and send me feedback. Good reading to all of you.

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You know, all my life I've known who I was, but the rest of the world doesn't. I mean, they clearly know who I am being one of the most famous novelist to spring up in the last half decade, but they had no clue who I truly was. Not even my family and I was content to live my life this way, or at least I thought I was. From the moment I met her, I knew that my life was going to change, I just never knew how far I'd have to venture out of my hole to be with her. No matter how far I had to, I knew it would be worth it in the end ... Or I was seriously hoping that it would.

I guess I should start at the beginning. My name is Samantha Richards, but everyone who has ever known me, just call me Sammie. I found my passion in writing when I was very young and I never had to worry about anything else, because nothing ever seemed to matter. At the tender age of 25, I've become a very famous for it, but I always felt something, no, make that someone, was missing in my life. I was away on vacation in Florida, well, it was supposed to be vacation, but I can't seem to stop writing long enough to actually relax.

Anyway, I was sitting on the balcony of my suite when I looked down and saw the most amazingly beautiful woman. I knew that I was a lesbian, but I had never even experimented with a girl, not even in college. I'd simply always been single, my parents worried I'd spend the rest of my life that way because I'd never brought anyone home or had a serious boyfriend, but as I sat there gazing at this woman, everything within me reacted. Sure, I've been strongly attracted to a number of women over the years, but not one of them made me want them like this woman did, and I'd never even met her. Yet.

I stood up and looked down as she seemed to be getting comfortable on the lounge chair. My feet carried me to the elevator before my mind even registered the move. I knew I had to figure out what to say before I got to her. I was just thinking that I'd ask her name, maybe go out for an early dinner, but before I could really solidify anything, I was standing in front of her. I looked down and I was left breathless a second time. She pulled the sunglasses off and looked up at me, then smiled.

"Hello?" She asked clearly caught between confusion and amusement. I looked at her, my mouth hanging ajar. She stood and my gaze followed as she did. Then, again, she said, "Hello? Is something wrong?"

"Um ..." That was all I seemed to be able to say.

"Are you alright?" She asked clearly concerned now.

"Um ... Yes, I'm alright and no, there is nothing wrong." I finally managed to say.

"Ah! So you can actually speak." She chuckled and continued, "Well, I'm glad. Can I help with something?"

"Yes. I ... I was wondering if, um, if you wanted to go to dinner with me tonight?" I asked as my hands fidgeted like they always did when I was extremely nervous.

"Um ..."

She seemed to be the one at a loss for words, so I added, "You don't have to if you don't want to. I mean, you don't even know me. You might not want to go out with a complete stranger. You know what, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come down here. I shouldn't have bothered you. I'll let you go back to relaxing. If you'll excuse me."

I turned and was about to walk away when I felt small fingers wrapping around my wrist. I looked back at her and she said, "Wait! Do you even want to know my answer?"

I was more than shocked and just nodded my head. She chuckled lightly again and then said, "I'd love to have dinner with you. My name is Victoria."

She released my wrist and extended the same hand. I shook it and said, "That's wonderful. I'm Sammie. I'm usually more talkative, well, not much more, but a little more talkative, but when I saw you, I had to come over and ask you to dinner, but seeing your amazing eyes, I seem to have been struck silent."

She chuckled again and said, "Well, I'm glad you finally asked. I saw you on the balcony, but I had no way of knowing you were interested, the way you were looking gave me a hint, by the way." She laughed again and then said, "You know, you are really quite beautiful."

She then proceeded to look over my 5'9" stature. Her remarkable blue-violet eyes locked on my hazel ones. She smiled and I reciprocated. Her eyes seemed to take in my outfit as if trying to figure out what was underneath. My black t-shirt with a blue, black and white vest left everything to the imagination outside of my muslced arms. Her eyes traveled lower to my khaki slacks and then stopped at my black and white Jordans. She looked back at me and smiled, "You know, I used to have a pair just like that." I didn't respond. I just looked at her trying to figure out if she'd just insulted or complimented me.

We stood there for several minutes just staring at one another. The vibration at my waist pulled me back to reality. I grabbed my iPhone and saw that it was from my publisher. I answered and told her to hold a second, looking back at Victoria, I said, "I'm sorry. I have to take this. Give me a call later on and we'll make the dinner plans, okay?" I reached into my wallet and handed her one of my business cards. Not waiting for her to more than nod, I left to see what Carol, my publisher, wanted.

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Around 8, I searched through my clothes looking for something to wear on my date. I had half an hour before I was meeting Victoria in the lobby to go out for Italian. Thinking of the restaurant and my company, I chose a pair of black slacks, a tan Italian button-up, a pair of all black Jordans, and a black blazer. I combed my jet black hair straight back, and made sure I had remembered to go to the ATM.

Having everything I needed, I walked down to the lobby and waited for Victoria. At exactly 8:30, she stepped off the elevator and walked towards me.

"Hi." Victoria said.

"Hello. You look beautiful." I said and even though the words were already out of my mouth, I blushed.

She chuckled. After looking me over said, "You know, you have a very unique style. I'm going to just go out and ask this. How old are you?"

I wasn't expecting her to say that, but immediately answered, "25, why?"

"I was just making sure you were over the age of 18. You come off very mature, but you seem to live in sneakers. I googled you from the information I got off your business card."

"Oh? Um ... Why? You could've asked me anything you wanted to know."

"Well, I could've, yes, but I wanted to see what the rest of the world thought of you."

"Um ... Alright. I'm not really interested in what the rest of the world thinks of me, but I hope you found everything you were looking for."

"Actually, no. There wasn't much about you other than the fact that you are quite famous for your writing, you grew up in Ireland and both of your parents went to Yale, while you chose to go to Harvard."

"Wow. Well, I've never had the desire to google myself, but I would've thought there was more than that."

"Disappointed?"

"No. Quite the opposite. Would you like to go to dinner now?"

"Yes, I'm actually really hungry."

I held out my arm and she looped hers through it. Outside, we had a taxi waiting for us. We went to the restaurant and had an incredible meal.

Afterwards, clearly neither of us were ready to call it a night so we went for a walk on the beach.

Victoria looked over at me as I looked out at the water. I knew she was staring, but I had never really been on a date with a woman so I wasn't sure just what to do or say. Almost as if she was reading my mind, she said, "Just relax. I wont bite you. I just want to get to know you. Nothing more, nothing less, if that's how you would prefer it."

I looked over at her and smiled. She smiled back. I turned back towards the water and asked, "So what is it you'd like to know that I haven't already shared?"

"Well ..." She began and then looked down almost as if the question scared her.

"You can ask me anything. I'm a very honest person. If there is something you want to know, just ask and I'll tell you the truth." I said as I used my finger to lift her chin to look at me.

"Um ... You've never been out with a girl, have you?"

I was surprised she'd picked up on that and laughed. I laughed so hard I was in tears. Catching my breath, I said, "No. I've been a lesbian all my life, mind you, but I've never actually just taken the plunge to try and actually be with another woman. I mean, I've had offers, but I never felt the connection. That is until you."

She looked at me. Her arms came around my neck and I put my arms around her waist. We stood there just gazing at each other. "You know, typically, this is where the two women would kiss, if they felt so inclined." She said to me in barely a whisper.

"And are you? Inclined?" I said as I pressed our bodies closer together.

"Yes. Very much so." She answered not increasing her volume. Had I not been right in front of her, I'd have sworn that she said nothing at all.

Both of our faces tipped and our lips connected. They fit perfectly was the thought I had. Her arms moved tighter around my neck and the kiss deepened. We made out for awhile until the need for air became too overwhelming and we back off.

"Wow!" Victoria said as her eyes just began to open.

I wasn't really sure what her reaction meant. I'd never kissed another woman, so I had no idea if it was as desirable for her as it was for me. Again, like she could read every thought in my head, she said, "You are quite good at that. I'm not sure what I expected, but you blew past it."

I blushed again, then said, "Well, I just kind of went with how I felt and put everything into the kiss. I've never felt that way before though so I'm still trying to process it myself."

She chuckled lightly and moved her hands to my waist. Clearly there was something in the way she was looking at me that I didn't understand, because she said, "You don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with. I really enjoy spending time with you and I'd like it if we could spent more time together."

"Um ... I'm comfortable, just uncertain of my next move. I'd like to spend more time with you too, but unfortunately, my vacation is being cut short. Like really short. I'm checking out tomorrow afternoon." I said.

"Wow. Um, well, where do you live on a regular basis?" She asked, clearly disappointed with the idea of my departure.

"I typically live in New York." I said as I began to put space between us. I wasn't sure why, but I felt that I should. I let go of her waist and turned to look at the ocean.

Victoria came up behind me and placed her hands on the small of my back, rubbing in small circles. I wasn't sure if she were trying to calm me or herself, but she said, "I live in New Jersey. It's not that bad a distance."

I turned unsure if I'd heard her correctly, "You want to see me when you get back home?" I asked.

"Yes, of course I do. I really feel a connection to you, Sammie. I see no reason why we shouldn't try to figure out what it is that's between us. Unless you have an objection."

"NO! I mean, of course I don't. It's just ... Well, my life there isn't exactly normal. I'm not in a 9 to 5 career as you can imagine. I spend great deals of time secluded because I can't really write any other way. Then there's the book tours and all the fans. I don't hide from them, so they're always around once I'm recognized."

"Well, I have no issue with that. I've read many of your books and didn't even realize it was you. You have such a small picture in each of your books, that I never really made the connection. I understand you have a process and I'll try my best not to invade your world more than you want, but I'm not going to walk away either."

"I'm not asking you to, Victoria. I'm just trying to give you the chance to now before I open myself up to you."

"I'm right here. Until something happens were I'm not or you no longer want me to be. Which ever comes first or never."

I wrapped my arms around her and just hugged her for awhile. We stayed out for another half hour or so before we both admitted that sleep was more than bound to hit us. Walking her back to her room, I kissed her good night and said my goodbyes.

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The next day, we had brunch together and talked about each other more.

"Well, I own a event coordination business. I thought back yesterday after we met and I actually worked with one of your assistants for your 24th birthday party. I'm sure you don't remember me, as I recall, you were involved with some man at the time. Or you seemed very cozy with him, at the least." Victoria replied to my question about what she did in New Jersey.

I blushed feriously as I recalled exactly whom she was referring to. Caleb Fields, the broadway actor my parents had set me up with. See, I knew I was a lesbian, but very few people in my world do and those who know only know because I told them one night while I was extremely drunk. Anyway, Caleb and I had been an item until I found out he was also a member of the pride parade. I.e. He was gay and I walked in on him getting his ass rammed by some 6 foot Adonis looking god and thus our relationship only continued to keep of appearences.

Victoria cleared her throat bringing me out of the flashback to one of the many sad facts of my life. "Um ... Yeah, sorry about that." I said as I looked down.

"Sorry for what exactly? The man, drifting off just now or not remembering me?" She asked.

"All of the above actually." I said looking back at her.

"Don't be. For one, we didn't know each other back then. Second, you didn't hire me so I had no interaction with you and as such could not expect you to remember. Lastly, it's none of my business who you see. You can date men if that's your choice. I certainly wont judge you for it." Victoria said as her hand covered mine.

I smiled and said, "That's just the thing. I don't date men. I mean, I do, but not because I want to. I feel nothing towards them and other than a few horrible instances that happened in college, I don't sleep with them. Just ... Well, not many people know that I'm ..."

"A lesbian?" She said for me.

"Yes. A lesbian. People don't know. People who work for me, people who admire me. My family, even those I consider close friends don't know." I said as I slid my hand from under hers and put them both in my lap.

The look on her face told me that she was surprised, but my actions. "I ... You're in the closet to everyone?" Victoria finally said.

"Yes, I am. This is what I was trying to explain to you. Look .. " I broke off as my phone vibrated. It was the front desk informing me that I had an hour to get to the airport. I sighed and then looked back at her and said, "Look, I have to go. I don't expect you to be okay trying to start a relationship with someone that's as far in the closet as I am, but I guess you have a decision to make. I can't tell you when I'll come out, but what I do know is that I like you. That might be enough and if it's not I guess this is goodbye."

I stood up, paid for our meal and walked away. I made it back to my room without any sort of emotion showing, but once I was away from Victoria, I felt that a big part of who I wanted to be was left sitting at the table in the restaurant downstairs and I didn't know if I'd get it back. Shaking the thought off, I packed my bags and headed for checkout.

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An hour later, I was seated in first class with my laptop in front of me once again writing. I had to do something to get my mind of Victoria and writing was the only way I knew how to completely ignore the world. A few hours later, I landed at JFK. My normal driver was there to meet me. He took me home where I got an hour of sleep before I was awoken by my phone ringing.

"Hello?" I said with my head still under the pillow, but I hit speaker button so I wouldn't have to put the phone to my ear.

"Where the hell are you?" The voice screamed at me.

"Well, hello to you too, Carol. Me? Oh, I'm fine. The flight back early was quiet and I was able to knock out another three chapters for the new book."

"Yeah, yeah. I told you that we had a meeting today and you just never showed up. So again I ask, where the hell are you?" My publisher said as her voice dropped considerably.

"Me? I'm at home. In my bed just minding my own business trying to get some much needed sleep after a lousy couple of days on vacation."

"Well, you need to pull yourself together, Sammie and get here now. We need to go over the itinerary. Your book reading tour starts tomorrow and you haven't a clue where you're going."

"Fine. I'll be there in no more than 45 minutes, okay?"

"Okay." Carol ended the call and I rolled out of bed and got dressed.

Half an hour later, I was walking into Carol's office. I sat across from her while she finished her call. She handed me a paper and it was the itinerary for the book tour. I was pleased with the various places that had requested me for the book reading and then I saw one that I dreaded. I was heading to New Jersey in two days. Normally, I wouldn't care, but I had no clue if Victoria was back and I knew from past tours that my appearance would be broadcasted in just about every media form.

"What's wrong?" Carol said as she looked at me once her call was done.

"Nothing. It's nothing. Um ... Is there anything else we need to discuss other than this?" I asked as I held up the itinerary.

"No. That's really it. Just wanted to talk to you about when you thought the new book would be done." Carol said with the concerned look still plastered on her face.

"I'm fine, really. Stop looking at me like that. As for the new book, that depends on how much time I can fit in writing in this schedule." I said again motioning to the itinerary.

"Alright. I'll just make sure you get your space when you aren't really needed over the next couple of weeks." Carol said and trying to relax her face as she saw whatever was on my mind, I didn't want to talk about.

"Thanks. I only have a couple chapters left unless something hits me and I add a twist." I said as I started to get up.

"Great. Sammie ... You know that you can talk to me about whatever you want. I mean, yes, we've maintained a pretty professional only relationship, but my job is to not only make sure your books sell, but that you're alright." Carol said looking me dead in the eye.

"I appreciate that, but I'm okay keeping our relationship as is. If at any point that changes, I'll let you know." With nothing more than a nod from her, I walked out. I had to get home and pack. The next couple weeks would be hectic, but deep down I loved the craziness.

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Two weeks later, I was in Washington, D.C. at Barnes & Nobles. I had about five minute before I'd go up and do the Q and A part of the tour. I always got mostly the same questions, but I loved being able to answer my fans directly. Taking my seat at the chair on the small stage, I talked briefly with the fans already seated.

A couple minutes later, Carol came on stage and announced that the Q & A would begin. I started taking questions, most were about the upcoming book, a few were on my inspiration behind such a dramatic mystery series, but one question caught my attention. A woman in nearly the back stood up and asked, "What would you say to one of your fans if they said that they had the best time out with you and were sorry you left so upset before they had the opportunity to apologize?"