For the rest of the week, I didn't attend her class. I needed time to catch up on my other classes first, and then I would decide after.
Alice knew everything now. When she had parked outside our dorm building and turned to me with questions in her eyes, I decided that she deserved to know, considering she had even seen Nicole now. I told her some of the beginning, and when the car grew too stuffy, we moved inside, where I told her the rest.
She had listened the entire time without interruptions, and I was surprised that I had not broken into a blubbering mess by the time I finished.
"Fucking your professor," Alice had said moments after I finished. Her eyes were wide. "Lily, I wasn't aware of your game."
And despite everything that had happened before with Nicole, I laughed.
I let another week go by without attending Nicole's class. I wasn't sure if I had made the choice to quit altogether, or if I was just delaying the decision. I didn't ponder much on it and instead, put all of my energy into my other classes. My grades had begun to slip, and so I spent more time in the library, studying late into the night.
As for downtown, I didn't go there at all, day or night.
My social life became non-existent again. I barely saw Alice, but she understood. I had to do something, or my mind would become occupied by a certain professor. Sometimes I came back to the dorm with a dessert sitting on the kitchen counter, covered, waiting for me. I grew more appreciative of Alice.
By the time the third week rolled around, it was March. It was also at the same time that I made my decision.
I packed my English textbook into my backpack Monday morning and left for classes.
All day, I pushed the thought of her class out of my mind. I had not been in her class for a month by now, and like she said, I had no more obligation to show up. For the past couple weeks, I had done well in not thinking about her at all, so I wasn't sure why I decided to go to her class today.
I didn't bother catching up on the reading that was due today. I knew I wouldn't talk anyway, so it made no difference.
Before I knew it, I was standing outside her classroom. Her class had begun by the time I got to the closed door, and I looked in through the small window.
She looked the same. Of course, she did. It had only been three weeks.
Today, she was wearing a thin, open-collar blouse with straight, dark pants. She was writing something on the board, and as she turned to face the class, her eyes glanced past me.
Then it snapped back to the door, locking on me. Old feelings that I had shoved deep inside emerged. My resolve broke, and I turned away from the door.
My heart was racing as I strode down the hallway, towards the exit. What was I thinking?
Heels clicked sharply behind me.
"Lily." Her voice stopped me. "Where are you going?"
I closed my eyes tightly and released a shaky breath. Of course, I wasn't over her.
"This was a mistake," I said quietly. "I shouldn't have come."
I heard her take a step forward. "Just come to class. Please."
"Why do you keep giving me mixed signals?" I snapped and was surprised by the surge of anger that exploded through my chest.
"I don't mean to," she said, her voice cracking.
I turned, now. Her face was an open book now, sadness and hurt bare for me to see. But for how long until she closed it off again?
"What is it you want from me?" I asked, my tone low.
Just then, footsteps came down the hall, and we looked away from each other. My heart was hammering as I reigned in my anger. Any longer, I would explode.
When the footsteps faded, Nicole looked at me again. "Meet me in my office after class. We can talk then."
"There's nothing more to talk about," I said coldly.
"Please," she said softly.
I didn't meet her gaze. I wouldn't give her an answer. Out of pettiness and also because I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk.
Then she walked back to the classroom, her heels fading. I collapsed onto a nearby bench and dropped my face into my hands.
-----
I left the building and waited at the bus stop. Whatever else she wanted to say, I didn't want to hear it.
But when the bus came, I didn't get on. I stayed standing there for the remainder of the class time. Then my feet was moving back to the building and up the stairs until I was standing outside her office.
The door was open, but she wasn't inside. I entered anyway.
Her windowless office was still as messy as before. Piles of paper laid around on her desk, and I resisted the urge to organize them.
"I didn't think you would come."
I whirled around. She stood in the doorway, her eyes wide with surprise. I feigned nonchalance and collapsed onto a chair.
"You said you wanted to talk. So talk."
She shut the door and leaned against it. "You're angry."
I shot her the coldest glare I could muster. "Wouldn't you be if someone kept giving you mixed signals?"
"I told you. I wasn't --"
"What did you want to talk about then?" I interrupted. "If it's about class, then I can tell you the answer right now. I'm not coming back."
She grew silent. Nodding, I stood. "Good. Glad we talked."
I reached past her towards the doorknob, but then she laid a hand on mine.
I snapped my eyes up to look at her. Her eyes were pleading. "Lily, wait."
"What do you want from me?" I snapped.
She shook her head, and her eyes shone with tears. "I don't know."
It felt like ice had froze over my insides. "You. Don't. Know?"
Nicole flinched at my clipped tone, her face a mixture of fear and sadness. Her eyes flicked down to my lips, which were dangerously close. "Lily, I'm sorry --"
I pressed my lips against hers. All of the tension left my body, and a breath left my body as if I had been holding it for weeks.
My lips moved in a frenzy, and I felt her tried to keep up. But I didn't care to slow down. I pressed deeper, and slipped my tongue through.
Mint and jasmine. I devoured the taste of her as my hand slipped down her pants.
