Don't Say It (pt. 07)

"You okay?" I asked, glancing over at her as we sat in the driveway of Dan's and Evelyn's house.

It was a two-story, brick house with a front patio that wrapped to the side and a fenced backyard. It was a beautiful home. Seeing Nicole's troubled expression as she looked up at the house, I had a feeling she was going through her memories of Natalie and Sophie.

Her aunt had barely around to take care of her, and even when she was, she couldn't look at Nicole without seeing her dead sister. So Nicole had spent most of her time here, but it wasn't really her home anymore. It had not been her home since Natalie's death.

"Yeah," she breathed out. "I'll be fine."

I grasped her hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. She gave me a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. Then Nicole let out a breath and opened the door. I did the same and followed her tentative steps to the front door.

She pressed the doorbell and took a step back. I took her hand in mine. She gave me a nervous smile just as the door swung open, revealing Dan. He smiled at us, and his eyes flickered down to our laced fingers before returning to our faces.

"Hey, come in!" He stepped aside for us to step through. "I'm glad you both could make it."

"Thank you for inviting us," Nicole replied.

Dan stretched a hand out towards me, and I took it. "We didn't get much of an introduction last time, did we?" He let out a chuckle, and I smiled politely. "You can call me Dan."

"I'm Lily," I said while shaking his hand.

He gestured for us to follow him down the hall. "Evelyn made some salmon for lunch, but unfortunately she couldn't stay."

Nicole's grip on mine relaxed just slightly.

"You have a beautiful home," I said as we entered the dining room.

He thanked me and invited us to sit while he prepared the food. It seemed like movement was still a little hard for him, and his face was already growing pale.

"Let us help," Nicole immediately said.

Dan shook his head. "No, no. You guys are the guests. I've got it."

"It's no problem at all," she merely said and headed towards the kitchen. I followed and gave him a smile. He sighed but didn't resist.

On instinct, Nicole knew where everything was as she opened up cabinets and drawers to pull out the plates and utensils. I helped Dan plate the dishes while Nicole went in and out of the kitchen to make the table.

Soon enough, everything was done, and we brought the food out into the dining table. Dan sat on one side while Nicole and I settled down next to each other across from him.

"Thanks for the help," he sighed. "Doc said it might take a couple of months for me to fully heal."

"It's really no problem, Dan," Nicole reassured him, and I nodded in agreement.

He smiled warmly and began to dig into his lunch. I picked up my fork, sliced into the lemon-crusted salmon, and took the first bite. It was good and lemony. Exactly what I expected it to be.

I glanced over at Nicole and saw that her chewing had slowed, and her fork had paused in the air. There was a distant look in her gaze, and it seemed like I had not been the only one to notice. Dan lowered his fork as his brows creased in concern.

"Is something wrong?" he asked her.

Nicole blinked and suddenly, the faraway look was gone. She glanced at us and then shook her head. "No, everything's perfect. I just forgot how good Evelyn's cooking was."

My heart clenched tightly for her. I sought out Nicole's hand under the table and laced our fingers together. She smiled at me.

Dan gave her a sympathetic look. "I'm really sorry she couldn't make it."

She waved it off, but I knew it hurt her. "It's okay."

"So." His tone changed as she tried to shift the conversation away. "How did you two meet?"

Nicole and I glanced at each other, and I saw the rising panic in her eyes. Between everything that happened last night and this morning, we did not get the chance to prepare for his questions.

Of course, the truth was out of the question.

"We met at a restaurant," I blurted out, and a mix of lies and truths began to tumble out of my mouth as I concocted a story. "It was late, and I was too drunk to drive and I lost my friends. Nicole offered to drive me back home, but then I fell asleep in her car, so then she ended up driving me back to her place."

Dan raised a brow, and Nicole's mouth grew slack. I quickly realized what I had said and what they were both thinking. "We didn't do anything though! She let me crash there, and the next morning she made me breakfast and we just talked."

I clenched my jaw shut to prevent myself from talking any longer.

Nicole was looking at me with an unreadable expression, and I wondered if I had said something wrong or if the lie sounded too elaborate.

But then Dan let out a chuckle. "Well, that's one hell of a meeting."

She turned her gaze to him, and I reluctantly did the same.

"So what do you do, Lily?" he then asked.

This time, I had no answer. My mind went completely blank, and all I could do was stare at him.

Nicole released my hand and then leaned back in her seat with a small sigh.

"Lily is a student," she answered quietly. My eyes snapped to her, but she was staring straight at Dan. "She's my student."

Slowly, his eyes narrowed, and he glanced between Nicole and I. I felt my blood run cold. Nicole's gaze, however, was unwavering as she waited for his response.

"I don't think I heard you correctly," Dan said lowly.

Nicole opened her mouth to repeat herself, no doubt, but I quickly intervened. "I pursued Nicole first. She tried to stop our relationship--"

"Lily, stop." She turned to me with a firm look. "We both wanted it."

I swallowed tightly.

Dan shook his head in disbelief. "Relationship?" Nicole and I turned our gazes back to him. "This isn't right."

"I know," Nicole said, her voice faltering. "But I love her."

And despite the tension in the room, I felt an unwavering warmth fill my body.

"Love?" he echoed.

"I love Nicole too," I quickly said and then took her hand in mine again.

He leaned back in his seat and released a slow breath. Sweat had broken out on his pale face. Nicole sat up straighter in her seat.

"Natalie would have never wanted this for you," Dan finally said.

Nicole's body stiffened, and I felt her grip on me slacken. My heart fell at the crushed look on her face.

Dan slid out of his seat and stood. Disappointment filled his expression, and while it made me uncomfortable, I knew it didn't compare to the weight that it had on Nicole. There was pure devastation on her face.

He opened his mouth to say something but then shook his head and walked out of the dining room. With his presence gone, Nicole sagged against the chair.

I turned to her. "Nicole, I--"

"I need some air," she interrupted, pulling her hand out of mine as she stood up. Then she rushed out of the room before I could say anything else, and I looked down at my hand, feeling her absence more than ever.

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Dan was sitting outside on the balcony that was connected to the kitchen.

I had decided to leave Nicole alone to gather her thoughts, and there were still a couple of things I wanted to say to Dan before we left.

He kept his gaze on the trees in the distance even when I took the seat next to him. I followed his gaze as I tried to form my thoughts into words.

Surprisingly, he spoke first. "I know that you think you have feelings for her, but you might be confusing it with --"

I couldn't help but chuckle. Now, he turned to look at me with a raised brow.

"Sorry." I bit down on my lip. "But Nicole said the same thing to me once when she tried to push me away."

He sighed. "Well, she's right about one thing."

I shook my head. "No, she wasn't. No offense, but I know my own feelings. I'm not some love-sick teenager who's confusing admiration for love. I know that I love Nicole. I care about her, and all I want is for her to be happy. She's been alone and suffering by herself for too long."

Dan continued to stare at me, and I stared back at him. We stayed like that for a few moments before he sighed again and looked back out at the trees. "Sophie told me that Nicole gets nightmares."

"She does. She had one last night." I didn't want to guilt-trip him, but I wanted him to know that not a day went by without Nicole thinking about Nat and what she had done.

"Are they really bad?"

"Always."

He rubbed a hand down his face. I leaned my head back against the chair and looked up at the clear sky. The sun felt warm on my face.

"I always thought of her as another daughter," he said. "Evelyn and I were close with her parents, and their deaths hit us hard. Nicole was at an age where she understood that her parents had died, but she was still so young. Her aunt could barely look at her, much less take care of her, and suddenly, Nicole was maturing so fast.

"We tried our best to fill in for her parents, but then everything happened with Natalie and we..." he trailed off, his eyes growing misty. I turned to look at him again, and he cleared his throat. "Losing a child. It changes you."

I thought about Evelyn and her face twisted in hate and anger that night at the hospital. She seemed so different from the woman Nicole had described.

"Can I say something?" I asked him out of curtesy rather than permission.

He nodded.

"Right now, Nicole is outside with probably a million doubts racing through her mind. It took me a very long time to get her to open up and accept my feelings." I released a breath and looked at him sternly. "And in ten minutes, you seem to have unravel everything we've worked for. That's how much she values your opinion. Any time she talked about you and Evelyn, it was always out of fondness rather than resentment. My parents are very much alive but very absent, and I can't even say anything as warm as compared to how she talks about you two."

His eyes widened as his mouth fell open just slightly. I pushed on. I had to get it all off my chest before I left and tried to fix the hole he had opened inside of her again.

"If you invited her here today as an attempt to open up a relationship with her again, then please don't let her relationship with me be the reason why you stop. I don't even have to be there if it makes you uncomfortable."

Finished, I stood up and smoothed out my skirt. Dan didn't say anything else but merely continued to stare at me with surprise.

"Thank you for inviting us to lunch. The salmon was really delicious," I said politely. "I'll see myself out."

------

Nicole was leaning against her car as she tapped a box of cigarettes on her hand. She was looking straight ahead at nothing, her expression blank and empty.

I stopped in front of her and pulled the box of cigarette away from her fingers. Slowly, she lowered her head to look at me. I pulled a cigarette out of the box and stretched it towards her, but she didn't take it.

"Last one," I said. "After that, you're done. I'm keeping the box."

As if she couldn't buy another one, but it was the thought that counted.

Nicole reached out and took the cigarette between her fingers. Her eyes never left mine.

Then she dropped it to the ground and crushed it with her shoes. My eyes widened, but then she stumbled forward and pulled me into a tight hug. The box fell out of my hands, and I immediately melted against her as my arms slid around her torso.

She didn't say anything, but she didn't need to. The hug told me that she was still here even though she was hurting. It was everything I could have asked for.

---------

I offered to drive us back to the house, and Nicole didn't protest. In fact, she continued to say nothing at all, and when we arrived back, she dragged herself inside, past a curious Sophie and Jack, and then collapsed onto our bed.

A sigh was the first and only thing I heard from her since then. An hour passed, and she was still lying in the same position.

Sophie and Jack attempted to ask me what had happened, but I merely shook my head. I didn't want to talk about it yet in case she could hear. Jack left for work in the evening, and once Sophie went into her bedroom to take a nap, I came back into the guest room.

Nicole's eyes were closed, but I knew she wasn't asleep. I kicked off my shoes and slid in next to her. She still didn't move even when I wrapped my arm around her.

"I know you're hurting," I murmured into her ear. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll wait for you, however long it takes."

She continued in her silence, but I wasn't expecting her to say anything. My eyes fluttered closed as I let sleep take over.

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NICOLE'S PERSPECTIVE:

2 YEARS AGO (MARCH 2022):

My apartment was a fucking mess, and I had lacked the energy and time to clean it. I pushed off a pile of trash on the living room table as I searched for my phone. Always prompt, Sophie was probably already at the cafe while I was now digging through the cracks of my sofa.

Sophie had asked to meet up during our phone call last week, and I had agreed even though every part of my body was shot up in nerves now. I almost cancelled on her this morning after a full night of no sleep. As always, I was awakened by the past, though this time, I also dreamt of Sophie wrapping her fingers around my throat and squeezing all of the air out of my body.

I had woken up clawing at my neck, gasping for breaths. It had left faint red scratch marks on my neck, and for that, I trimmed my nails and rubbed some vaseline on the scratches.

My fingers felt the familiar coolness, and I reached down deeper until I was able to grasp the phone in my hand. Then I pulled it out and tapped the screen, but it remained dark. I pressed the on button on the side, and the screen flashed a no battery image.

Fuck.

I tossed the phone back on the couch and rushed out of the apartment.

--------

It had only been over a year since I last saw Sophie, but it felt like it had been longer than that. I stood at the entrance, my feet rooted to the floor as I watched her sit at the table, typing on her phone.

She looked different. Her hair was shorter, and she seemed to have lost some weight. Yet, she still looked like the splitting image of Natalie but just slightly older. My chest was squeezing tightly, and I began to turn back towards the door.

Then Sophie looked up, and our eyes met. I froze, and my body tightened as it waited for the anger and hatred to arrive in her expression. But she merely offered a small smile and stood up.

I willed my feet to move forward until I reached the table.

"Hey," she greeted awkwardly.

Standing so close to her now, I was suddenly hit by memories of her face twisted in hatred and her cold eyes, green like Natalie's, piercing through me as she shouted angrily at me.

Now, there was no anger in her expression, but there was no warmth either.

My gaze lowered to the table. "Hey."

"Um, how are you?"

"Good," I answered instinctively. I forced myself to look at her again.

There was a slight frown on her face, and I thought about my response. Would she want me to be good, or would it bring her more comfort to know that I was suffering?

I cleared my dry throat. "I, um, how are you?"

This time, she smiled a small smile. "A little tired. I started working at our old high school as a counselor."

"Oh." I blinked in surprise. "Wow, that's...why the switch?"

"Before we get into that, do you want to sit first?" she asked with a small laugh. It was a sound I had not heard in a long time, and it sent a pang through my chest.

"Oh, right, sorry," I mumbled and slid into the chair across from where she had been sitting before. She sat down too.

Before silence could fall over us, Sophie launched into her job switch and moving back to our hometown to settle down with Jack. I imagined that it was also to stay close to her parents after everything that happened with Natalie, but she didn't say that. She avoided talking about her parents at all, and I didn't try to ask.

"So what about you?" she asked after finishing. "How are things going at this university?"

I shrugged. "It's good."

"Just good?"

"Yeah." I racked my brain for something else to say, but there was nothing worth talking about.

I had been looking for a different city to move to after the funeral, and luckily, one of the co-workers at the old college referred me to this one. I packed my bags and drove three hours to this small town on the outskirts of Atlanta.

Here, I put all of my energy into work, and when I wasn't working, I was trying to sleep. And when I couldn't sleep...

Walking around downtown had become a usual activity with all the nights that I spent unable to sleep, and I had even discovered some nice restaurants that were open late for drunk college students.

Sophie released a sigh as she twisted her wedding ring around on her finger. It was a nervous tick of hers. I almost smiled at the sight of it, but her expression showed that she wanted to say something. My gut told me it was about Natalie.

"How's Jack doing?" I asked before she could say anything else.

The rest of our meeting was filled with conversations about Sophie and Jack. I learned that Jack's brewery was doing really well, and that the both of them were thinking about having a baby soon. Sometimes, Sophie would try to bring the conversation back to me, but I would ask another question.

I didn't want to talk about me. I didn't want her to know that I couldn't sleep because guilt and grief plagued me. I wanted her to believe that I was doing, well, good.

But Sophie had always been able to see through me. She was like the older sister that I never had but wished I had. After I lost my parents, she and Natalie had treated me normally while everyone else walked on eggshells around me. When I was being bullied at school, she protected me and harassed the other girls until they stopped.

It was during our third meetup when she reached across the table and took my hand in hers. My body tensed up.

"How are you really doing, Nicole?" she asked gently.

I looked away from the concern on her face. "I'm g--"

"Don't give me that bullshit," she said firmly. My eyes snapped back to her. There was anger in her expression, but her eyes were filled with warmth. "You look like shit."

I tried to pull my hand away, but she kept a tight grip. "Sophie, really, I'm--"

"You're not okay, fine, or good." She gave my hand a gentle squeeze. "Nicole, I'm really worried about you."

And despite my efforts to hold back my tears, they came rushing out anyway. She immediately stood up and slid into the seat next to me. Before I could escape, she wrapped her arms around me, and I succumbed to my tears.

It was the first comfort I had felt in years, and even though I didn't deserve it, I clutched onto her tightly as I cried. Sophie didn't say anything. She only held onto me.

EIGHT MONTHS LATER (NOV. 2022):

It had been a perfect date. We had talked about so many things, and she had made me laugh more than I had laughed in a while. For just the two hours that we spent at the restaurant, I felt lighter.

So why was a pressure weighing down on my chest now that she was kissing me? As her soft lips moved slowly against mine, I felt her hand reached up under my shirt, and her warm fingers touched my skin. Panic surged inside of me, and in a flash, I was off the couch and stumbling away from her.

Olivia, the woman I had met at a coffee shop and who had asked me out, sat up on her couch. I had been reluctant to go on the date, but it was Soph who had convinced me to.

Breathless and confused, Olivia looked at me. "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

"I..." The pressure was expanding, leaving me with little room to breathe. My head was beginning to throb. "I have to go."