Foreword
Hi gals . . . and any guys who might be snooping in. It's me again, Davina, better known as Dave and oft compared appearance-wise to Velma from the old Scooby Do cartoons. Could be worse, I guess; I could be oft compared to Shaggy.
For new readers I would immediately explain this is number fourteen in a series which follows on from New Beginnings (a five part offering from my young friend Mikki) and Two Sides to Every Story (a four part submission from my slightly older friend Kat).
That's right; it's taken long-winded old me as good as twice as long to catch up with those two, even if we add it all together. I did however kick off my version yonks before they did.
My version was always going to be a life story, you see. I'd acquired heaps of experience long before that pair of sexy mares came into the picture, and I've come out with all sorts of intimate details along the way.
And well that's it, really. I'm right out of excuses.
At this stage I'd stress that I intend this latest ripping yarn to be readable in its own right. I'll be happy if everyone reads the back stories, naturally, but at the same time, I don't want to make anybody feel obliged. That's why I am writing this intro . . . sorry, "foreword" . . . to save folk the bother.
For the avoidance of doubt, I would have you know I am a gold star lesbian with zero intention of ever straying off the true path. And, when I called Mikki and Kat "friends", I meant that our history has been born out of a rather complex all-girl love triangle.
Sounds nice and kinky, doesn't it: a lip-licking, thigh-tickling all-girl love triangle.
Not that I haven't dallied with others than those two. As I just implied, I've had countless lovers of all ages, colours and sizes, but every one of them refreshingly female. Men never have got a look in and never will.
Please don't mistake me for a man-hater . . . that I most certainly am not. Most of my workmates have male attributes and I count a lot of them as being friends. I simply cannot imagine ever having real-life sex with any of them, though. Or any other guy on earth, come to that.
Okay, I suppose if I was cast away on a desert island, just me and one guy, my convictions might not be so cast iron but, with that eventuality highly unlikely, I never lie awake fretting about it.
Wrecked ships and desert islands! The Lakes aside, the most remote place I ever venture to is Dad's timeshare on Lanzarote. If I got cast away there the local PolicΓa would find me long before any germs of temptation set in.
Correct; I would be recovered from my broken-down pedalo in no time at all, and I wouldn't have any sort of guy on board to start with.
Not me; I'd have a beautiful Spanish babe with me, or a German, Swedish, French or Dutch babe.
It would be someone female and fun, anyway.
Let's go back to catching up . . .
Last time I contributed I told of Kat's departure to go travelling (travelling being to her a drug as strong as heroin and worse). That was her third abandonment in not very long, prompting me to introduce a "three strikes and out policy". Indeed I very firmly told her never to come back.
Then, after half an abandoned year of playing the field with lovers of yore, I met Mikki and fell in lust if not a strange version of true love.
How sexy was Mikki! And, initially at first, how straight. My "romances" usually stay virginal for an hour or so but no more between the initial meeting up and bedtime; Mikki, who sent out mixed signals from the very outset, stayed virginal for the best part of a fortnight.
Please somebody; call The Guinness Book of Records. Two hours to two weeks, with my interest only ever increasing!
And why shouldn't it have. What was she like when she finally came across?
Like whirlwinds, earthquakes and impacting asteroids, that's the best summary I can come up with.
That's right; the girl took to same-sex like Tiger Woods famously took to golf at the age of two.
And please don't imagine I'm complaining. Oh no, I'm not complaining in the least. Our weekend up in the Lake District was a lifetime high, and always will be. After that delight I dropped all my other lovers (and I had quite a few back then in that rather wide field of mine), to focus on Mikki and Mikki alone.
Then, when everything was going so, so swimmingly, Kat rang from Sydney.
*****
Don't get me wrong. I am sure Kat called in all innocence. She had been a cybercrime victim you see. Her bank account had been emptied to the tune of over fifteen thousand pounds. She called to ask if I would watch out for her replacement bank clutter. You know what I mean: a new cash card, paying-in book, cheque book and so on, all being sent to her "home" address of Main Road, East Morton.
That was my home address, of course. The one we'd most recently cohabited in.
Yes, like three times!
She also asked if I still had her work clothes in my closet, in case some miracle happened and she did make it back to England and found some sort of existence . . . other than one as a bag lady.
Up until that call I'd hardened my heart in her direction but hearing from her changed all that. She was the love of my life, differences aside. No way was I about to leave her stranded half the world away.
And were Aussie bag ladies any better off than Yorkshire bag ladies? Apart from being upside down I tended to doubt it. Okay, so they had much better weather, but in the circumstances did that matter?
No, did it fuck.
Contingencies were swiftly agreed to hasten Kat's homecoming and I came up with an option she had missed. I also promised the use of my spare room until the bank refunded her, stressing she shouldn't expect any "funny stuff" in the meantime.
Kat thanked me profusely and told me she loved me.
'Me too you,' I replied pathetically, using a term we'd swapped to and fro for ages.
Then, hanging up, I began to worry about Kat and Mikki. Mikki did know Kat's name but precious little else about her. Kat didn't even know Mikki existed.
And sometime soon we'd all be together, one way or another.
How on earth was that going to work?
Please read on and find out . . .
Chapter One
With that wonderful benefit of hindsight, writing four years after late spring 2016, I'm aware I screwed up in the way I handled the aftermath of Kat's unexpected call. In fact I screwed up big-time. I should have collared Mikki straightaway and outlined all the circumstances. Without ever telling her Kat was "the love of my life", I should've explained I was offering no more than a port in a storm; that Kat was a good friend and true, and I simply could not let her starve out on the streets.
Okay, that would be very drama queen, but not too far from the truth. That would also have got me off the hook a while, but did my IT techie brain compute that?