My first lesbian experience happened when I was about to graduate from high school along with Becky, my best friend that I had known since grade school. We lived down the street from each other and had done so much together. We had just turned eighteen.
We were always hanging out together at each other's houses. Her parents treated me as one of their kids and my parents also thought of her the same way. We had sleepovers like most teens, listening to music and talking about boys and other teen things.
I had a few dates with boys but I secretly had crushes on girls. I didn't feel like I could tell anyone about it, because back then young girls like that were called "dyke" or "lezzie" and made to feel ashamed. I was confused about my feelings.
I answer my phone. "Hey Becky, what's up?"
"Hey, you. Can you sleep over on Friday night? I haven't had a good yarn with you for a while."
"Let me check with my mom." I find her and she says it's okay. "Yep, no worries. 7:30 as usual?"
"Great! I can't wait to ask you something."
"Oh? What is it?"
"Can't say now. Later. Mwah."
"Okay, bye."
I set my phone down. Becky and I never keep secrets from each other, so I wonder what she has to tell me. I am curious for the next two days until I go over.
Becky's mom answers the door. "Hey, Darlene, lovely to see you again. Come on in, Becky's in her room."
"Thanks."
I walk to Becky's room and go in. She leaps up and screams, "Darlene, darling, it's been ages!" She runs to me and gives me a big hug.
"What, like two weeks?" I reply.
"Haha, yes, well for us that's forever."
"True."
We sit on her bed and talk about all sorts of things, giggling a lot. In a pause, the thought of her question comes to mind. "So, Becky, what was it you wanted to ask me?"
She gets a serious look on her face, stands, walks over to her door, closes and locks it and comes back. This intrigues me, and my ears perk up. She gazes at me, taking a few deep breaths.
"Darlene, you have to promise not to tell anyone what I'm about to say and ask."
"Sure," I answer, now burning with curiosity.
"Cross your heart and hope to die."
"Yes, yes, I promise."
She takes one more deep breath, and then asks, "Have you ever wanted to kiss a girl?"
I'm taken aback and gasp a little. I never expected that question. It drills past my defences and stirs up that same issue that I have had buried deep within me.
"Oh, wow, Becky."
"Oh, don't hate me, Darlene. I'm sorry if it scares you or disgusts you. I've been stewing about this for a long time and I just have to tell someone, and you're my best friend."
"No, no, Becky, never. It's just that..." I have to think before saying, "Yes, I've been curious about kissing a girl for a long time myself. I could never let anyone know, not even you because you know how nasty girls can be if they think you're a, uh, you know."
"A lesbian?"
"Yeah. They call you nasty names and send horrible posts. I've seen a girl get ganged up on once and they reduced her to tears."
"I know what you mean. They can be horrible, especially online where they can be anonymous."
We gaze silently at each other, finally relieved to have let out our scary secrets. My feelings churn madly and my heart pounds as I wonder how to take the next step. I finally get the courage to say, "Becky, I've felt that way about you for a while, but I was afraid to say anything for fear that it would break our friendship if you thought it was a horrible thing."
"Oh, Darlene, me too. It seems silly now that we know how we feel." She pauses for thought. "So, may I kiss you?"
I don't say anything, so she kisses me softly and at first, it's a little awkward because we never thought this would happen. A thrilling puppy-love feeling courses through my body. I've never been so excited.
To this day, I can remember what the house smelled like - the aroma of vanilla - because her mom always has potpourri going in her house. That scent always brings back this initial burst of passion with Becky to my mind.