Alone, something all too familiar to me. Streets look the same, different people walk them. Businesses come and go, promising hope and prosperity, shattered through time. I am no one but a shadow among the living. They continue to live their worry laden lives, knowing their days are numbered. Yet they do nothing to improve themselves with each experience they have. I guess that is why it isn't so difficult to feed from them. They are but mere snacks to me.
I lost my emotional view of them long ago. As the word moral became basically extinct, they lost their human essence, there for, lost my empathy. I look at people like they are candy bars; each one with a different name and package, but delivering the same satisfaction for my mood at the time of my feed.
I was forced into this life style at a naïve and simple age. Over the years I have learned to fine tune my need and select the appropriate form of satiation the hungry beast that drives me. I speak of this beast as a separate entity because he is. He is wicked, maniacal, sadistic, and selfish. I think of the incredible hulk when I think of Cain, the beast that drives me. He has taught me to be bitter and unattached, severing me completely from the human ability to feel love, happiness, fear, and compassion. I am, that I am, is all he tells me and now I am that too.
I sought therapy a few years ago. I am forced to live this way and yet have issues coping. I feel much guilt, hate, and rage. Though my therapist is unaware of my affliction and true identity, she recommended that I use the Diary media in means of venting and getting things off my chest.
February 3rd
Two weeks was how long I lasted since my last feed. My last feed was a random guy in a fetish club down the street from my store. But today, the need was upon me like a chocolate craving gone mad. Each time someone came into the store and approached me, I felt dizzy and light headed. Despite my futile efforts to ignore it, it was evident to those who knew me well. Lyndsey was concerned. She kept commenting on how pale I was and how I seemed out of it.
"I am fine, just not enough sleep," I told her. Meanwhile, deep inside, Cain was daunting me with a fist clenching pain in my gut. I was so hungry that it hurt.
I was stocking my book shelves with the recent delivery when the door rang with the entry of a customer. I did not look, but I felt her. Cain was quick to make me feel her. She had this neediness that was quite potent.
"How are you today," Lyndsey said as the girl walked over to the counter.
"I am looking to get a Mehndi"
"Oh well Adonia here does them, perhaps you would like to talk to her?"
I turned around and approached the counter. My eyes met hers. She had a fare complexion and a bridge of light freckles over her nose. There was a serenity to her face and yet something deep inside of her, some sort of turmoil.
"What kind are you looking for," I asked her with a smile. I reached behind the counter and fetched my photo album filled with samples of my work.
"Well I am not sure," she nervously smiled as she looked at me. She sensed something too. "My friend had one done a few weeks ago here and I just fell in love with it."
"Here, look through my album and take your time. If you see something you like, let me know," I returned to stocking my shelves.
Lyndsey joined the customer and looked through the book, pointing out her favorites.
After a few moments, a design had been chosen. She picked a heart design with twisted ivy-like edges. It was simple looking and easy to do.
"Well follow me," I said as I led her up the spiral stairs that led to the upper section of my store used for tarot readings and mehndi art.
I had her sit at the table while I fetched the henna die and the baggies used lemon water, and brushes.
"So how long have you done this," she nervously asked. I was not too sure why she was nervous.
