Summer gave way to autumn. The back garden was covered in leaves and James was always saying he'd rake them up but he never did.
He was pleased because we were having more sex than usual. He joked that having a baby had clearly made me randy. He made a lot of stupid jokes and sometimes I toyed with the idea of telling him – of letting slip that I had shagged the girl next door and it had been amazing and that I kept replaying it in my mind whilst he was fucking me and that's why I seemed to be enjoying it more than usual. But he was really pleased with himself and I was enjoying the respite from our usual bickering.
I kept my phone on me at all times and became increasingly OCD about charging it. Every time I heard the trill of a text message arriving I jumped. But it was never Lara. It was James, or one of my new mum friends or someone from work. And each time I felt a stab of disappointment.
I still had her knickers – black, lacy and still bearing her wet, earthy scent. I'd taken to keeping them in the nappy bag because it meant that every time I had to reach in there for a nappy, I would see them and be reminded of the feel of Lara's wet sex against my face. There was no danger of James coming across them of course – he seemed to think that he had fulfilled some sort of quota for the number of nappies he had to change and was now exempt from that chore.
I saw Lara a few times, coming in and out of her front door. She was always wearing her coat now, a classic brown mac with red scarf knotted around her throat. I watched her one evening, passing by our front window. She didn't look up and I followed her with my eyes as she walked up the street, her hips swaying.
"She never asked you round for tea again did she?" James' voice behind me made me jump.
"No," I muttered, feeling my face flush.
"Shame. I want to know about that sex book of hers."
"She's not writing a sex – oh never mind," I said, drawing the curtains.
"I guess maybe you don't have much in common really," he said. "I mean she's all young and...you know."
"What?" Now it was James' turn to blush.
"You know! Sort of...glamorous."
"And I'm not?"
"No you are, of course you are! But you're a mum aren't you? It's different."
I turned my back and said nothing. I might be a mum but I'd made that glamorous girl next door come against my face.
I revisited that memory whenever I needed to. Whenever I had to mop up Connor's sick for the fifth time in a day or found myself talking about poo with one of the other mums I would replay the scene in Lara's hallway and smile to myself.
But still the text never came. For the first few weeks I was miserable. I couldn't even look at the next door house without feeling a throbbing in my nether regions. It dawned on me that I had thought that having sex with Lara would somehow purge her from my system, that it would extinguish all the tension that had been building in me and allow me to forget about her and move on. But it had only added fuel to the fire. I burned for her with an even greater intensity. Now I knew how she felt and how she tasted, it only made me want more of it.
But the weeks passed and nothing happened. I started to think that maybe that was a good thing. Perhaps it had just been a one off– a good experience that I could hoard up and treasure. I still had the pants to prove to myself that it had really happened.
Me and James were getting on better, mainly because I was so distracted with thoughts of Lara that I'd stopped bothering to argue with him. James even suggested that we should go on a date, our first since Connor was born. I thought maybe a night out would take my mind off our neighbour so I agreed. James' mum came to babysit and we went off for a curry.
I sat across the table from my husband, eating chicken korma and idly wondering what James would say if he knew. What would I say if he had been the one screwing the girl next door? I couldn't seem to summon up any anger or outrage at this thought – it just made me think of my nails scratching down Lara's smooth back and James and Connor and my 'real' life shimmered and faded like a mirage.
After we'd paid up, James suggested we should go for a drink in the local pub. I agreed and we walked the short distance along the high street, buttoning up our coats against the cold night air. I'd long since given up agonising about my cheating on James. I was being unfaithful – I knew that. But I was so consumed with Lara that there was no room for anything else. I could just about keep the daily motions of my life going but there was so space for grappling with the implications of what I was doing.
It was packed in the pub and I followed James to the bar and waited beside him while he tried to get the barman's attention. We'd had wine with our curry and I was already feeling a bit tipsy. I put my hand on the bar to steady myself against the crush of people behind me.
"What do you want?" James asked me, over his shoulder.
"Rum and coke." James turned back to the bar.
"I'd have gone for a port myself." I knew who it was before I looked round. Lara was standing the other side of me, pressed close against me in the throng of people.
As ever she looked immaculate. She was dressed casually for her, in a jumper and jeans with her dark hair falling around her shoulders. And red lipstick, of course.
"Hello," I said, looking into her green eyes that seemed to be glowing softly in the dim light of the pub.
"Hello," she said. "How are you?"
"Fine," I said and then immediately thought what a lie that was. I wasn't fine – I spent every waking moment thinking about Lara and aching with desire for her. And now she was standing so close to me I was having trouble breathing. "You haven't text me," I said.
Lara said nothing but her eyes moved above my head and she smiled. I turned and saw James turning round. He waved at Lara and made a drinking motion with his hand. Lara shook her head and James turned back to the bar. Lara's eyes returned to mine.
"I was thinking..." she began. I tried not to lean forward eagerly, like a puppy waiting for a treat. "I was thinking about that time I caught you watching me. In the kitchen. I was with a blonde-haired lady – do you remember?"
I felt my already hot face grow even hotter. I was aware that James was standing right behind me on the other side of the bar, with only the noise of the pub preventing him from hearing.
"Of course I remember," I mumbled. Lara put her head on one side.
"I was thinking," she said, "was that the only time?"
"What?"
"Was that the only time you watched me?" Her voice suddenly seemed louder and it seemed as if the whole pub could hear. I glanced fearfully over my shoulder but James' back was still turned.
"For God's sake! I can't...talk about that here," I hissed.
