I've known I was bisexual for as long as I can remember. That being said I didn't exactly embrace it, in fact I've rebelled against it, reprimanding myself whenever I thought about girls in a way that wouldn't be considered normal. I can't tell you how many times I've had to literally shake my head to get rid of how attractive I thought a girl was or how badly I wanted to kiss her. But by the time I was fifteen I had actually gotten pretty good control over myself. I know that seems odd, adolescence is typically the time when hormones run rampant and that's when people usually start to question their sexuality, but for me I had practiced keeping myself in check for so long that I didn't need to consciously do it anymore. So I went through most of high school with little to worry about, I even had a boyfriend and few flings here and there. Going into college I was confident I had put my attraction to the fairer sex in the past and was ready to start actually doing something with my life. The only problem was Bethany.
* * * *
I met her during freshman orientation and we hit if off pretty fast. She even lived in the same dorm building as me so I was always down in her room and I quickly became friends with her roommate Emma and the boy who lived next door too. We hung out constantly for the first few weeks and eventually became inseparable. Whenever we weren't at class we were exploring campus together or watching movies or going to parties on the weekends. It wasn't until about a month in that I started to notice that I felt differently when I hung out with just Bethany than when we all hung out as a group and or when I hung out with just Emma or just Trent. It wasn't even like I felt attracted to her I just felt like we had known each other for a long time and understood each other on a deeper level and as a result I felt safer around her. So I found myself looking forward to the times when I knew the other two would be busy and made sure to go downstairs to see what she was up to.
One of those times I had let myself into the room (they usually leave their door open and if it isn't they still leave it unlocked) and looked for Bethany but soon noticed I could hear the shower so I laid on the couch and started watching TV. Criminal Minds was on as we all have a love of crime shows but I had already seen the episode before and found it harder to concentrate when I knew Bethany was naked and wet just a wall away from me. For the first time in years I had thought about a girl in a sexual way and I hadn't even noticed I was doing it until I heard the shower stop. I panicked and ran out of the room, not stopping until I got back to my dorm and locked the door behind me.
What the hell?
I thought to myself as I went over the events that had just occurred.
How many times have you been there while she's been in the shower before? More than once that's for sure so why does it matter now? I got over this a long time ago, what changed?
I pondered that question for the rest of the night and when she texted me asking if I wanted to watch Mama Mia with her I told her I had to do homework. That wasn't entirely a lie, I did have a paper to write for my biology class, but there was no way I was going to be able to focus on the reproductive cycle of angiosperms when I was so worked up over my own reproductive concerns.
I fretted about it for another few hours going over every possible excuse for my behavior.
I haven't hooked up with anyone in months.
I'm in between cycles so it's that mega-horny week (you know what I'm talking about).
Who wouldn't think of her that way? She's hot it's natural to be attracte-- no! Don't do that it's not normal, you're a girl too.
But the thing is she is hot, she's got chestnut brown hair that falls down just past her shoulders, a face that's more sexy than cute with caramel colored eyes that I've never seen on anyone else before. She's the same height as me, we both stand at 5'8", but I'm more athletically built with small boobs whereas she's got more of a figure. I would guess she's got a size 36B chest and has a perfectly round ass which is most likely the result of her years of being a dancer who also regularly does yoga. I honestly never thought much of her physical attributes besides the initial observations when I first met her but that night I couldn't stop thinking about every little detail and I was surprised at how much I could recall. This only frustrated me more though and I tossed and turned all night, trying to convince myself I was straight while simultaneously trying to get a decent night's sleep.
* * * *
The next morning I woke up at 7 am which was uncharacteristically early for me seeing as I am not a morning person but I had given up trying to sleep at that point. I'm sure I looked like hell all day, I didn't even bother to put any makeup on and I wore my pajamas to class which consisted of a faded red wings t-shirt and a pair of shorts that had paint on them from when I went through my aspiring artist phase. By the time I was done with class I had actually organized my thoughts and decided that the reason I had slipped was because I was lonely. I even decided on a plan to fix it; this weekend was Halloween and we were going to giant house party that night so all I had to do was find a guy, have some meaningless sex and then bam! I'd be back to normal.
The rest of the week I still avoided hanging out with Bethany but I isolated myself from everyone else too telling them I was sick and didn't want them to catch it too so it wouldn't seem suspicious. The day before the party I hung out with my friends for the first time in days so they would think I was feeling better and by the day of the party I was ready to find myself a hot guy that I could use for my own purposes.
