This is not a standalone story. Unless you have read the previous chapters, it will not make any sense. As always, I want to thank my editors, Terry and Snow. Both of them made this story possible. They contributed in so many ways, talking through scenes, deciding what to include or exclude, as well as just making sure that the spelling and grammar were right. They are amazing! I love both of you!
I also want to thank everyone who has commented or sent me emails. It was so nice to hear what you thought about Suzanne's story. It means a lot to me to hear from you. That feedback is the fuel that fires the creative engine. I hope the conclusion is up to your expectations.
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Over the next several weeks, Colby played a much bigger part in Suzanne's life. Not only did she help Suzanne find a therapist, she made sure that there were no missed appointments. Having lunch together became a regular part of the day. While it wasn't every day, Colby had dinner with Suzanne frequently enough that she was sure that Suzanne was eating healthier. The slide in her weight stopped and started to reverse.
As much as she wanted to, Colby didn't ask Suzanne about her therapist appointments. It was intensely personal and if Suzanne wasn't going to bring it up, Colby wasn't going to either. It was good enough that Suzanne was taking the steps. Sometimes she seemed less depressed, but it was not consistent. There were bad days too, when in the evening Colby held Suzanne as she cried.
At work, Suzanne was too busy for the emotions to surface. Armed with the information collected on their trip back east, she had guided the new software through its final release. The launch consumed Suzanne, but she welcomed it. There was not enough time in the day to get everything done, but at least it left very little opportunity to dwell on her problems. It made it easy to keep up the illusion that she had it all together. Colby was the only one who knew her secrets, and she was an active participant in helping to hide them.
Without Colby's support, Suzanne knew she couldn't have managed to keep going. When she intervened, Suzanne was close to the breaking point. Handling the stress from the launch combined with her issues would have been too much. It wasn't just the mental stress either. The mistreatment of her body was just as bad. After a few weeks with her therapist, Suzanne was finally seeing that. The awareness only helped so much. There were still days when she didn't feel like eating, but Colby was always there to make sure she did. While there were moments when Suzanne resented it, the gentle pressure felt good most of the time. It was one of the few things in her life that made her feel loved.
Still, feeling loved didn't help Suzanne with feeling worthy of love. The self-destructive impulses were getting fewer, but it was hard to find a way to forgive herself for what happened with Chloe. They did not happen as often, but there were still nights when she woke up in the middle of the night haunted by a dream of Chloe. Sometimes as she bolted upright in a cold sweat, her first thought was a wish that Colby was there to hold her. A feeling of shame always followed it. Part of why was a renewed feeling of betraying Chloe, but the other half was knowing that she wasn't worthy of Colby.
Suzanne wasn't blind. She knew how Colby felt about her. Sometimes when Colby held her, Suzanne felt her struggle to hold back from taking it a step further. Once or twice, Colby started to move as if to kiss her, only to pull back. Suzanne was thankful she didn't go through with it. Their relationship worked right now. The support Colby gave her was the crutch that helped Suzanne through the day. Adding romance to it would have complicated it.
Some of Suzanne's reluctance was almost normal. Office romances were messy and could have consequences, especially when they ended. The chances that anything with Colby would work out were low; Suzanne knew that. "I'm too damaged," she told herself more than once. Even the thought of giving into her feelings for Colby was enough to send a wave of guilt through Suzanne.
More than the issue of working together, that was really the problem. Despite the time with her therapist, Suzanne still knew that she didn't deserve happiness. Chloe may have stopped haunting her, but the guilt Suzanne felt was still there. Most of the time it was manageable, and it no longer intruded on her everyday life. It was only with Colby that it came back, and that was with a vengeance. The same person who comforted and supported her was the trigger point of her turmoil. With so many issues to talk about, Suzanne held back on bringing up her feelings about Colby with her therapist. She could feel her therapist working her way towards getting Suzanne to talk about it, but they were not there yet.
One reason for not dealing with Colby was Suzanne's parents. Since returning from the east coast, she had not seen them once. They talked one more time after her father left his voice mail. It hadn't gone well. Or maybe it went as well as it could, given his beliefs. It didn't make things any better either way for Suzanne.
It took Suzanne two weeks to find the will to return her father's message. Her normal therapy sessions were late Friday afternoon. She spent much of the time that day talking about her parents and their homophobia. While her therapist had not suggested talking to her father, Suzanne came home feeling a little more courageous than normal. As was usual any day she had therapy, Colby came over to make sure that Suzanne was okay.
They were eating dinner when Suzanne looked up from her food. "I was thinking about calling my dad. We haven't talked since before the trip," she said.
"Oh. What were you thinking of saying to him?" Colby asked. "Just catching up, or more?" The look Suzanne gave her was calm but behind the mask, Colby could see the fear that was there.
"More. He made some assumptions in his voice mail. I need to let him know they are true. I need to at least own who I am," Suzanne said. Her voice was tight, but under control.
"Well, okay. Let's finish eating and then I can leave you alone if you want," Colby started to say before Suzanne interrupted her.
"Please don't. I'd rather you stayed."
Nodding, Colby reached out to squeeze Suzanne's hand. "Of course I will." She gave Suzanne a little smile when she felt her squeeze back. The rest of dinner was relatively quiet.
While Colby cleaned up, Suzanne went into the living room. Sitting down on the couch, she tucked her long legs under her. For a few minutes, she just sat there holding her phone. Finally, she pressed the speed dial for her dad's cell phone. Calling the house wasn't an option. She could barely have a conversation with her father. She wouldn't even consider trying to talk to her mother. The phone rang for long enough that Suzanne thought it would go to voice mail. At the last second, she heard her father answer.
"Hello Suzanne," he said. His voice lacked the warmth that it usually had when they talked. It was not unfriendly but there was a reserve to it that wasn't normal.
"Hi, Dad," she responded. There was a moment of silence as if neither one of them wanted to start the conversation. Finally, Suzanne went first. "Sorry I haven't called you back before this. I wasn't sure what to say."
"I understand," he replied.
"And then when I was sure, I was afraid to call," Suzanne quietly said. She took a deep breath. "Because I can't live a lie anymore. It's hurting me too much to pretend to be something that I just am not. And I know what that means, for you and Mom. So I put it off."
"What you are saying hurts us, Suzanne. It goes against what we believe and how we've lived our lives. Your mom and I talked about it and we've tried, but we can't give our approval to it. It's sinful. We can't condone sin," he replied. It might have been easier if he spoke harshly, but Suzanne could hear his pain in his voice.
"We love you, and hope that you can find your way back to God," her father continued, "but we can't tell you it is okay. We've talked about it and it will be best if we don't see you."
Suzanne expected this but it was still a blow when she heard him say the words. She let out a long sob. Hearing that, Colby came over with the box of tissues and sat down beside Suzanne. Handing her one, Colby gave her a little hug.
"Thanks," Suzanne whispered. As she dabbed at her eyes, she turned her attention back to the phone. "No Dad, I wasn't talking to you. I was telling a friend thank you for handing me something to wipe my eyes. This is hard." Sitting down, Colby kept one arm around Suzanne. She could hear Suzanne's father say something else that caused her to tense up for a second. When she spoke again, her voice was hard. "No Dad, she isn't my girlfriend. She's a friend, a good friend who understands what I'm going through. And yes, she is a lesbian too."
Colby gave Suzanne another little squeeze. Part of it was to reassure Suzanne that she was indeed there for her. There was another little part that was just for Colby, a consolation prize for only being a friend.
"Fine, I understand," Suzanne said, her voice losing that hard edge. The pain of the break with her parents was clear. "I love you, and tell Mom I love her too. I hope one day you can accept me."
"We love you too and we will be praying for you," her father replied. The pain was evident with him too. Neither one of them held out a lot of hope for the change each wanted.
"Bye," Suzanne said as she ended the call. Turning, she buried her head into Colby's shoulder and really let the tears go. All Colby could do was hold her. Words weren't going to make this right. She had never met Suzanne's parents and right now, Colby hoped she never would. So much of Suzanne's pain was their fault. Their religious bigotry intruded into her life from an early age. It kept her from exploring healthy relationships and filled her with guilt for wanting what was natural for her. Just thinking about them filled Colby with a slow burning anger. She hugged Suzanne tighter.
