It is often said that one should regret nothing. That life is too short for it. But we are human creatures and it is in our nature. And so I live with one great regret, one moment in time that I would give anything to change. I let her walk away. I let her believe that I didn't love her because I believed it would save us both.
The first time I saw her was the day my uncle's carriage carried me to my new home. My parents had both passed away on the sea journey that was supposed to be the beginning of a new life for us, my mother succumbing to the arms of our Lord, in labor with the babe she bore. My father had passed away shortly after and to this day, I swear it was his broken heart at the loss of my mother that finally did him in. The infant, amazingly, had survived the journey and was in my arms when the tall lean black woman opened the carriage door for us. When I met her eyes, I knew that in all my life, there would never be another for me. Her hand lingered on mine longer than was necessary as she helped me down. I adjusted the thick shawl wrapped around my shoulders and held my baby brother closer to my chest to keep him warm. His mouth worked at the air, suckling hungrily and I decided we needed to get him inside so I could feed him the milk my uncle had promised. I met her eyes again and without words, we promised to meet soon. My mind screamed that it was sinful, it was wrong. She was a woman, and a black woman at that, a slave on my uncle's plantation. Yet without this exotic creature, I felt I would surely die. I didn't even know her name but she was to be my one and only love, the most exciting adventure of my eighteen years.
My little brother was a beautiful baby, perfection carved into each tiny feature. Like myself, he carried the best of both parents and I knew that when he was grown, he would be the most handsome creature the town had ever seen. I held a scrap of fabric soaked in milk and watched him drink it down hungrily and my heart broke. He would be taken from me soon, as my uncle had a nursemaid who had just had a child the month prior. She had lost it in childbirth and so my brother would be given to her, to nurse and care for. Looking back, it was a wise choice and my brother has bonded with her, rediscovering the mother he never had.
When she came to fetch him, I took a long time in handing him over. The past month he had been mine alone and I had wandered the decks with him. The passengers found us endearing, the orphans, and we had not gone hungry. When I had finally placed him in her arms, I did not go to my room as I told my uncle I would, but pulled on the warm fur-lined cape he had given me as a welcome home gift, and made my way down through the fields. I could hear singing as I got closer to the slave quarters and suddenly grew shy, hiding behind a tree. What was I doing? I had no right to challenge the rules, the good Lord, in matters of love. More to the point, I had no right to betray my uncle's hospitality, the poor widowed man who had taken us into his home and shared his wealth with us.
But she... she was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. I turned and watched her around the edge of the tree, sighing softly. If I could only have her for this night, my uncle need never know and I could repent and live the good Christian life that he wanted for me. I should have known that it would never work...
She spotted me when I stepped from behind the tree, my resolve failing me as she walked from the fireside to stand before me. She was more incredible than I had remembered, her skin so dark it gleamed, her teeth small and white against it as she looked down at me and smiled. She was tall, nearly as tall as most of the men I knew, and her body was strung through with chords of muscle that indicated long hours of hard labor. Her voice was soft, husky and heavily accented and I loved it like I loved her body, the smell of the earth that floated around her.
