Choosing Love

December 1966

Kendra with Lisa: The Blessing Of Friendship

By the time Christmas draws near, it seems like we've been friends forever. Lisa finally talked me into getting out of the house to meet some of her friends, which is a breath of fresh air and fills me with new ideas for a new time.

Even though my concern about Bobby never totally goes away, it's faded into a more healthy place in the background of my daily life. After all, I've finally decided, it isn't me who left and it isn't me who failed to keep in contact. In fact, it's getting a lot easier to think of a life without him. Finally being free to think on my own, I can look back on our entire relationship and the new freedom I'm now experiencing shines a light of reality on the oppressive nature of even our earliest dates. Being around more liberal and modern thinking people helps me see just how patriarchal and controlling Bobby has always been. I guess I was too immature to even understand what all of that meant, but the light is now turned on and it sheds its illumination into all the dark corners...finally revealing reality to me. No, things will not be going back to that when he comes home, they will either go forward into something better or we're finished.

With Lisa out of school for the mid-term break our nightly conversation includes the upcoming holidays. "Are you going home for Christmas," I ask as we sit sharing a joint...one of the other new pleasures Lisa and her friends have introduced me to. I knew Bobby had some experience with marijuana, but I hadn't been in that circle of people. They're all well known creeps. It's so different with Lisa and her friends, they're all in college and have interesting things to say. The weed is just for fun, but it really is an amazing antidote to stress and worry.

"No, they're going to Vermont to spend it with my dad's folks. They're getting up in age and my folks wanted to spend this Christmas with them. It'd be too complicated to get back home to them in St. Louis and then go to Vermont and back, so I'll probably just hang out around here," Lisa replies. "What about you?"

"I'd like to go home, and I promised I would, I just hate to miss so much work and the bus fare and all," I tell her.

"Wouldn't it be fun if we could drive up together on Christmas Eve and just spent the day with them," Lisa asks.

"That would be really great! I wish they could meet you. Too bad we don't have any wheels."

"I've been thinking we need a car. Spring is just around the corner and I know we're going to want to get out and go places. I've got some money left over from what my folks give me each semester. Do you have any we could put together and buy a used car with?"

"I've been saving what I can for an emergency fund, I have just over two hundred put back, how much do you have that you could spend," I ask.

"I have about two hundred and seventy-five. So we have five hundred between us, I think we could find something for that, don't you?" Lisa asks.

"I don't know, but we could sure shop around and see. I might be able to get a little help from my folks, I'd rather not ask them but if it would get us out to see them I'm sure they'd be happy to help," I suggest.

"I think I could talk my parents into making it their Christmas present. It really would make getting around town and stuff easier. I'll call them and see what they think. We're not a rich family, but they manage their life really well and we've always splurged on Christmas."

"Do you know much about cars?" I ask.

"Not really, but I have a friend at school who does. I know he'd help us find something safe and reliable."

"Let's do it, or at least look into it. It would be wonderful to get farther than the cafe once in a while." Now the excitement of new opportunities are running through my mind. It's taken the last two months to save up my emergency fund, but it would be worth it to be mobile again and to see my folks. I could start saving again, and deep down I know my parents are my safety net if it really becomes necessary.

"So assuming we'll have a car soon, I love driving and seeing new places. You said you're from San Angelo, right?"

"Yeah, actually it's a little town outside of San Angelo. It's not much but the drive is pretty nice."

"Then lets just do it. You better call them and make sure it's okay if I barge in on Christmas," Lisa advises.

"I will, but just to let them know our plan and that you're coming. Because I know it'll be fine with them to bring you. Really, now that I think about it, with you there they won't be able to drag the whole thing with my husband out for the whole visit. I'd love to avoid that as much as possible."

"Even more reason I should go then. You've changed a lot for the better Kendra. I'd hate to see it all get brought back up again...it serves no purpose. And forgive me if this seems harsh, but it sounds like something's wrong with Bobby. No one has the right to treat anyone like he's treated you."

"I know. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'm starting to really think it's over even if he does come back. My father tried to talk me out of marrying him in the first place, and he was right. I was blinded by my own made up fantasy of getting out from under my folk's roof and finally starting to live. Frankly, I was a fool. But I'm over it now. Just waiting to make it official I guess."

*****

December 24, 1966

Kendra with Lisa: Taking Flight On New Wings

Living in such a new fresh way with Lisa helps me to see the sunshine again. The gloom and shadows of my life with Bobby are being washed away by her very presence in my life. This holiday trip to see my parents feels like the best Christmas gift I have ever received. The friendship we're building is the deepest I have ever known, it's a mature friendship with true and deep shared affection. Lisa has told me she always wished for a sister, and now she feels she has one in me. That opens the door a little wider for me to admit my growing love for her—it's a safe sisterly kind of love. All I know is that we're both testing the wings of young adulthood, and it's wonderful to share it so closely with a trusted friend like her.

The drive west in our new used car is indeed a good idea. Lisa's friend helped us get a better deal than we had hoped for, and we both have some savings left over. Leaving early, we follow Hwy 12 west right out of San Marcos as we and our car wind through the roads of the hill country to Wimberly. Some of the nearby areas we have already seen on our day trips with friends. However, soon it's all new to both of us. This part of Texas was the heart of the early German settlements and I've been wanting to see it for quiet awhile. The old towns are quaint and pleasant, the main streets filled with original structures crafted from the native stone of the area. The hills are covered with Red Oak trees, now barren and naked under the sunny winter day. Each of the small quaint towns we go through are decked out in their holiday finest, and it's impossible to not stop and spend a little time in each town. We hadn't made time to buy any gifts before leaving, and we each pick out a few small gifts for my parents.

At Wimberly we turn northwest toward Blanco and then on to Frederiksburg. We packed a picnic lunch before leaving home and stop at a small roadside park along Rocky Creek. We both find it a funny name, since all of the hills we had passed through and all of the creeks we've seen are indeed very rocky. Perhaps, the one who named this creek had just lacked imagination. Soon after lunch, the country we drive through begins to flatten out into the plains of the Texas panhandle and then Hwy 87 takes us straight toward San Angelo past vast rolling prairie and cattle ranches.

"Like I said, we don't technically live in San Angelo proper, it's a little town before we get there called Eden. It's about twenty-five miles before we get to San Angelo."

"That's twenty-five miles sooner that I can get out of this car...my butt is ready for a break," Lisa jokes.

"Me too, and I hope I can hold my pee till we get there...I call dibs on being the first!"

"No! You take too long, let me go first," Lisa pleads in a way that I can't tell if she's serious or kidding.

"Okay, my mom probably won't let me free from the big hug I know is waiting anyway."

Our house is old and small, but neat and well cared for. It's typical of the houses built in the early part of the twentieth century. Eden was a remote ranching community in the beginning, and still has that small town feel. Of course, things have changed. There are some larger farms now that irrigation is more advanced, and the oil has brought the various well services and shops that provide good jobs to such a far flung location as ours. There are still the large, and not so large, cattle operations and all in all, Eden is a peaceful town. The name itself might be a bit presumptuous, but to whoever named it, perhaps for them it was indeed their Eden. It was this town...this hick town, that Bobby had been so eager to rescue me from. All that is beginning to be laughable now, and it feels really good to come back home without him spoiling all that's good about home.

My folks had obviously been watching for us and are out the front door before we can even get out of the car. The love must be obvious to Lisa as they hug and kiss me like a long lost child...and in some ways, perhaps I have been. Embarrassed by all the attention, I finally say, "This is Lisa, she's the one who let me share her apartment." Then gesturing with a hand toward my parents, I introduce them, "My parents Ross and Clair Mitchell." Now it's Lisa's turn to face the warm hugs and thank you's for taking me in.

Finally, I blurt out, "I'm about to bust."

At that, the whole parade moves to the house. I show Lisa where the bathroom is. Then just as I had expected, I get more hugs and kisses from my parents. Once the initial excitement settles down, the four of us sit and talk. The questions about any word from Bobby are over quickly, since there is nothing new to add. Thankfully, with Lisa here, I'm spared all of the 'how are you getting along' questions and as I had expected, my parents are very interested in Lisa's experiences in college.

I'm surprised when my father says, "We tried to get both Kendra and her sister interested in college. I guess it just sounded too unnecessary." Then turning to me, "But, we still have the college money we saved for you girls, it's there if you ever change your mind."

"I didn't know that Dad. Why did you keep it set aside so long?" I ask. I'm shocked, and always assumed that money would be spent on some other need.

"We put it there for you girls, and just decided to wait and see if you ever changed your minds. Your sister said she won't ever go, and I can understand that since she's got the baby and all. But, we don't need it at the moment, so it's just there making interest for whatever might come up."

Having talked and been brought up to date on all the news, combined with the comforting smells of a home cooked meal filling the house, the excitement finally calms. It had been too far of a drive to make it for the noon meal, so Mom planned it for an early supper. With the wonderful aromas calling, she asks, "Are you two hungry?"

Even though we had snacked the whole drive, the home cooked supper is too tempting to turn down. The meal is so unlike what we prepare at home, and rekindles in me fond memories of home cooked meals and family. Bobby and the worlds problems fade away as we all sit around the kitchen table...and I wonder if this all makes Lisa think of her own home and parents.

With all the current news finally shared, Lisa, of course, endures her own grueling interrogation and even I learn some things about her that I never knew. With the attention focused on Lisa, I'm free to watch and take in new details of her mannerisms and her kindness as she offers herself up to the curiosity of my parents. It's hard to not fall in love with her poise and intelligence. She's a striking woman, it would be easy to think she was from this small western community and had just adopted some of the more current fashions of the times. The casual and sensible way she wears her hair, usually parted in the middle with a long light brown braid down her back. She never fusses with a lot of makeup either, and time spent in the sun has brought out a smattering of light freckles over the bridge of her nose. Add a cowboy hat and she would look right at home.

I hadn't really thought about the way Lisa had also begun to set me free of the silly overdressed fashions that are finally loosing popularity. As they chat, I wonder if my parents notice changes in me. But when Lisa and my father start talking about the small machine shop he still owns after more than thirty years, we are all surprised that she knows so much about it. With more discussion, it's revealed that she's even taken a machine shop elective in high school. If Lisa's goal was to win over the hearts of my parents, she's accomplished it twice over.

I just sit quietly and admire my parents through older, more mature eyes. They are good and honest people, raised at a time and in a place where one's reputation in the community means something. Where a person's word is important to safeguard with honesty. Though seemingly simple, such folk can usually spot a phony a mile away.

As the evening deepens into night, and I'm sure assuming we must both be tired after the long drive, my mother says, "You both feel free to get a shower and go to bed anytime you want. I already put clean sheets on the bed, I hope you don't mind sharing Lisa. We just never got around to building that third bedroom when Kendra and her sister lived here. Once they left, we didn't see the need."

"Don't worry Mrs. Atwater, we're already like sisters. I'm sure we'll both be asleep as soon as we hit the pillows."

"You can just call me Clair honey, I'm so happy Kendra found a friend like you. We don't worry near as much about her now, and after meeting you we will worry even less."

After the showers are finished and the good-nights are all said, Lisa and I retreat to my old bedroom. A lot of my stuff from childhood is still there, and Lisa pokes around discovering new things about me. "You were a cheerleader, I should have guessed," she says with big a smile.

"Oh yeah, the whole nine yards...and of course Bobby was my football hero. You have no idea how big of a deal they make over football around here. My God, you'd think it was a life and death affair, or something."

"You were a cute cheerleader though," Lisa teases.

"All boobs and no brains is more like it."

"Oh, that doesn't describe you at all...and you know it. I would say it's more like all brains and small boobs." We both smile at the play on words, knowing they're true. "I'm so glad we came, it was worth the drive just to see the relief on your folk's faces. They are super nice, you're lucky."

"I know, they're like pillars of the community. I'm so ashamed of how both me and my sister dragged them though all of our shit," I reply.

"Don't go there, they seem to have weathered it. We're here to forget all that, remember?"

It wasn't planned, it's an urgent need that I experience to just hold her. I'm usually the passive one, waiting for others to lead. But on this night, after this glorious day and after the relief of seeing my parents so happy, I just close the three steps separating me from my best friend—Lisa opens her arms, wrapping us both into an embrace that's clearly deeper than any of the others we've shared. With my head on her shoulder, I smell her clean freshness. I've tried to ignore my thoughts and the sexual and emotional tensions that have slowly grown over the weeks we've spent so much time together. I'm afraid it's just me...terrified at what she would think if she knew how i'm feeling. But now that tension inside is demanding a release! I have no idea how to show my needs, and feel a tremble inside wondering if Lisa feels the same way about me. But love will find a way if given just a small opening. Lisa's takes the lead with a soft kiss on my lips. Her confidence assures me this is the doorway we now both want to walk through together!

*****

The Night before Christmas, 1967

Lisa with Kendra: An Unasked Prayer Answered In Full

There's a distinct current of energy between us tonight...I can sense it and feel it in both of us. I ease my tight hug, and tip the pretty face of my cheerleader up from the shoulder Kendra has found to snuggle into. I feel a tremble of excitement and arousal race though her body. Separating just enough to look into one another's eyes, silent words are shared, as my love asks Kendra if I she is ready to cast off the chains of past failure and reach for life with me? With a wonderful mixture of emotions, my soul soars when I see in her eyes the answer I hope for...yes! I kiss her lips and my heart soars in a way I have never experienced!

***

That Same Night

Kendra with Lisa: Entering The Depths of Love

Lisa and I, both close our eyes and melt together so that soft inquisitive lips can now take up the discourse—to take up an even more delicate exchange of feelings and sensual textures of desire in a way that only soft lips and tender touches can do. I part my lips at the insistence of Lisa's tongue, and soon my own tongue joins her's in a dance to music so perfectly tuned that our two hungry souls truly touch as lovers for the first time. She takes my lower lip and gently suckles it in a way I never even imagined—so soft, so gentle and I feel an explosion of something deep inside that sets me free! I desire her...and I know she desires me too!

It is said, and thought to be true, that when virgins embrace, it is with the primal fire of life itself—a need so great it cannot be held back! Ours is an intuitive embrace of the hot flames of need that will weld our two beings into one. Such is our passion, now so close to the surface that it is impossible to hold it back any longer...regardless of the consequences or of any lingering doubts!

Broken apart, my soul stumbles, but only momentarily until our eyes open again. It's not that love has fled, no it is only a pause to unburden one another of the outer shields of thread and cloth so there will remain nothing separating our flesh one from the other. Nimble fingers dance over buttons, bindings and silky scraps to free the trapped hidden beauty—then suddenly we are both naked, open and completely vulnerable each to the other. My fingers follow Lisa's lead, gentle now, softly exploring our newly exposed beauty without shame or inhibition. Each of us lightly tracing over the other's aroused and inflamed nipples...then, with eyes again locked, we both let our hands venture downward to the most sacred gifts that must finally be shared!

Our eyes speak together in their own secret language as we hold the other, and with gentle fingers we touch and embrace the Sapphic connection being offered—it is a gift forbidden and unknown to males, but intuitive a precious for us. For what man could know how these breasts do feel under the touch of her lover's hand? What man can even imagine that soft gentle caress in the moist secret folds that ignites such urgent desire to be opened and taken? How far can such innocent discoveries go? How close can two souls fly without being consumed in the heat of combined passions suddenly set free? I feel it is freedom we both sense and embrace in this moment of our surrender into Love.

Lisa leads me to the bed, the blankets turned down—the clean white sheets crisp and waiting. Is it an altar of sacrifice I stare at, or an altar of offering? Willing to trust in the soft inner voice calling me forward, I lay once again on the bed I thought I had left forever. But this time I lay as an offering to the only person I have ever truly loved with true passion and desire!