I apologise for any mistakes. They all belong to me...
*****
Chinese whispers and broken hearts.
It was heartbreaking. I know a lot of people say it, but as I looked across at Elsa, I saw the pain etched deeply into her features.
Nobody is exempt from it in these situations.
There was no way not to feel the crippling gut twisting pain, and it wasn't even somebody she knew. She was only here to support me. I watched, as the tears trickled down her trembling cheeks.
Her normally joyful face, twisted into a contorted mask. As our eyes met, she walked over, and we slipped into a bone crushing hug. "Oh god, Elsa, thank you for coming. It's so great to see you." I whispered sniffling, through my own tears.
We stood bodies moulded together, my face buried against the side of her neck.
She held me tight, her hand rubbing my back in comforting circles. "I'm sorry it's under such sad circumstances. How are you?" She asked. Her voice full of concern.
"I'm okay, better now that you're here. How long has it been?" I sighed. "It must be years."
"Yeah, it's been a while, that's for sure."
She pulled away, we stood at arms length, our hands clasped warmly. "Gee, I'm glad you came, how have you been?" I asked, I had so many questions. It had been such a long time since we saw each other last.
"I've been good, works been busy. Keeps me off the streets. Enough about me, how are you coping? It must have been awful?" She replied.
I tried to explain about the accident, but it was still raw, and I felt overwhelmed by grief every time I thought about it. We were instantly back in each others arms, hugging like crazy, my body shuddering.
"I'm so sorry Nina, so very sorry. I don't know what to say."
"Say nothing." I sniffled. "It's enough that you're here. God, I just wish you had met Jane, you would have loved her, and she you."
"I'm sure I would have, if she loved you then, she was a nice person." Her words seemed hesitant, forced, we had been friends for so long, I knew her too well, I guess she was still uncomfortable with my sexuality.
We separated, and I sighed apologetically. "I'm sorry, Elsa, I have to circulate. Mum's over by the window though, and I know she would love to talk to you."
This was the hardest thing I had ever done. I wandered around the mourners, most here for my benefit. Jane wasn't a local, and our friends were mostly shared. Her family had flown in from Christchurch, for the funeral, which was good. Their relationship with Jane had been strained. Unlike my parents, they weren't comfortable with Jane's sexuality.
I remembered the day I came out to my parents, it was tearful, I was so scared, but they accepted it. My mum pulling me into a tight embrace, which was followed by my dad. He was shocked as you would expect, but he just gave me a cuddle. "As long as you're happy Nina, that's all we care about."
Jane's parents weren't that accepting. They may not have thrown her out, but they didn't take it so well." The fact they were here was nice, and they brought lots of photos for the montage running continuously on the huge overhead projector. Watching the photos of her earlier life, it made me realise, how little I knew about her. Our romance, had been fierce, an out of control bushfire.
Mum and dad stood by my side, as the coffin was wheeled in, the sounds of Sarah McLaughlin's, Angels, playing on the sound system.
The ministers voice reverberated around the old stone walled chapel, His oration filled with stories. There were sobs, and tittering laughter, as he worked through the collected stories.
It was over too quickly though, before I knew it, he was inviting me to the rostrum to speak. I thought I was going to be okay, but as I pulled out my carefully written speech, and the minister stood aside. I stepped up to the lectern, stared out over the small crowd, the sad faces, wet tissues everywhere. God damn it. Life wasn't fair, she was so young, so beautiful. The see of morning crying faces, brought it all out. I felt my knees going weak, the world began to spin.
Before I could speak, my bravado evaporated, gone in seconds.
I tried to squeeze out some words, but nothing came out, my throat dry, my tongue immovable. Even gripping the lectern, I couldn't hold myself up. I felt my ankles twist, my heels topple, and I was on the ground. Tears flowing uncontrollably.
It was Elsa, as she had done so many times during our childhood who appeared at my side. She reached down, her own eyes moist. "Let me help Nina."
She eased me up, took the speech from my hand, and helped me back to the lectern. There, she slipped one arm around my waist, and held the speech with the other. Out bodies leaning against each other for support.
Her voice rang loud and true, as she read from my script. All the little anecdotes from Jane and my short life together. I stared at Mum and Dad, who hugged tightly as they listened intently.
With Brandi Carlisle's Wherever is your heart sounding loudly, the pall bearers lifted the casket, and we carried her out to the hearse.
Elsa and I hugged, mum and dad appeared beside us, and we walked out behind the coffin.
As bad as all that was, it was worse at the grave side. The minister took control, and gain spoke clearly. His words heartfelt. The moment the casket descended down into that dark dungeon of a hole, I lost it again. If it wasn't for Elsa, and mum standing either side of me, I would have dived into that damn hole.
We held the wake at mum and dads. It was large enough to house the thirty odd people who massed to grieve. There were drinks, and food, and stories. Funny stories, and slowly the mood in the room lifted, even mine. Although having to tell the story of how Jane's car was crunched at an intersection by a runaway semi, was difficult.
I cornered Elsa, "Thanks for coming to my rescue at the church. I felt so weak, and stupid."
She leaned in, and kissed me on the cheek. "You weren't weak. Nobody manages to stay calm, or in control. I'm glad I was there to help."
"Thanks anyway. It was special having my best friend at my side. God, babe. I've missed you. How did you find out about the funeral? I mean it's been ages."
She looked pensive, almost guilty. "I know we haven't spoken a lot, or seen much of each other, but I still stay in touch with some of our old friends."
I nodded, and a deep feeling of gratitude gripped me. "It's not important. "I 'm just glad you're her. Tell me all about your life. Do you have a boyfriend?"
She shook her head. "No, nobody special. I'm working for the Nelson Council. We're designing a series of cycle ways. Trying to get rid of the traffic congestion."
"Wow, sounds amazing."
"Yeah, it's all good in theory, but getting people out of their cars and onto bikes is going to be harder than people think."
"I cycle to work." I stated proudly.
Elsa nodded, "yeah you look good Nina."
I couldn't hide the blush. "You look pretty good yourself. Do you cycle?"
"Yep, sure do babes."
"It shows, your legs look amazing." I wasn't lying, she did look stunning. Even dressed for a funeral, she looked terrific. She has always been a petite wee thing, I had been envious of her figure my whole life. She could eat the horse, and chase the rider and never put on a pound. I only had to look at chocolate cake and suddenly my jeans wouldn't fit.
