huge thanks to toesucker1 for help with beta reading and editing!
Chapter 3: The End
"How many of those have you had?" Allie was standing behind me pointing to the shot in front of me.
"Not very many?" I tried, meekly.
"Give me your keys. You're not driving tonight."
I didn't argue, I gave her my keys. She gave the bar tender an icy glare, "Only water for her." And she stalked off again. I stood stupidly at the bar wondering what was next.
A half an hour later she came back in and slapped a key card down viciously in front of me and left again. I picked it up and looked at the number printed on the envelope: 412. Then I paid my tab and went upstairs.
It was a room with two queen beds in it. Allie had brought all of our luggage back up and she was in one of the beds, head barely visible under the covers. My pajamas were laid out on the other bed, and the blanket turned down. I never wore pajamas actually to bed, they were just for lounging around in. The message was very clear.
---
The drive home the next day was torture. I was supposed to have been working today, but that was the least of my problems. If Allie was going to hate me now, I might as well crawl into a hole and die; no point even living, let alone having a job. I tried talking to her once.
"Allie, please let me explain, that was all before I got to know you. But I love you, please believe me."
"Did you lie to me, Jenny?"
"Well, at first, a little. But not anymore. Not since we became friends."
"I've told you Jenny, I can't tell when people are lying to me. I can't tell if you're lying to me right now. And now, I don't know if anything you ever told me is true."
And that was the end of that conversation. Allie was in charge of the music for all road trips of course, so she pulled out all the most heart rending selections you can possibly think of. One in particular had a line:
... if this is really you, then you're not all that you make yourself out to be.."
I swear she played that song 10 times during the drive home.
And when we got home, she moved out. She didn't move completely out of our house, I think that would have killed me. But she took everything of hers from what had been our shared bedroom and moved into another one.
The next morning coffee was ready and Allie was waiting for me in the kitchen when I came down. She didn't say anything. I wanted to say something, I wanted her to say something, the silence was killing me.
After an excruciating silence that lasted at least a million years, she finally said, "I'm trying to figure out how to tell when you are lying, Jenny."
"Allie, I promise, I will never lie to you again. I'm so sorry I ever did but I had no idea we would end up together, so I thought it didn't matter. Please, I'll never do it again."
"The problem with that methodology, is that the value of your promise is predicated on your integrity. There is no mechanism to prohibit you from lying about whether you are lying. It's the fundamental flaw with self-certification."
----
The next morning, Wednesday, coffee was ready and Allie was waiting for me in the kitchen when I came down. This was killing me. Even though I'd hurt her badly, and she didn't trust me, she still did all the things for me that I loved about her.
"Allie, how can I prove that I really do love you? I'll do anything. OK, you can't believe what I say, I don't blame you for that. But I'll do whatever, can I do something...?"
By now I was on my knees in front of her with my hands on her calves, I didn't dare put them higher. I have no idea how other people who identify as ace approach sex; I personally do not desire it for myself but I want to give it to someone I love. I wanted to give Allie anything, my body, whatever she wanted. I know that the desperate pleading in my eyes and voice made it abundantly clear that I was offering sex, for her forgiveness. It would have worked on anyone else.
"No Jenny, you can't. I don't want to have sex with you unless I already know that you love me. That's the chicken and the egg paradox."
-----
Thursday morning coffee was ready and Allie was waiting for me when I came down to the kitchen. I had nothing else to try.
The following week was excruciating, Allie would barely talk to me. She still made coffee and we sat together, but we didn't talk. One morning as we were sitting there saying nothing, and I was dying, her phone rang.
"Hi Mom," she answered and then listened for a few minutes. "OK," she said, and handed me her phone. Then she walked out of the kitchen.
"Jennifer? This is Courtney, Allison's mother. I want your side of this story, what happened?"
I took a deep breath and told her everything, starting three years ago when we met. I told her how we had competed for two years and Allie apparently had no idea who I was the whole time. I told her how I'd been resentful that Allie is so much better. And most of what I'd said to my friends and family about her. Not everything, that would have taken way too long; but enough so she understood the depths of my deceit. She let me talk.
"All that was horrible, Mrs. Zembrovitch, I know that. But I thought Allie hated me too and I had no idea about her...... peculiarities. I'm sorry, that doesn't make it OK and I know I'm a terrible person. But what I said, the first day we met? It's true now, I love her more than anything. I hate that I did it, and I hate that she found out, but.... well.... it's true."
She sighed. "I've always had my doubts about you Jennifer, and quite frankly the only thing that surprises me is the degree to which you have taken your little "Insidious Plot", as you termed it. I told you, my primary concern is the happiness of my daughter, and I keep a very close watch on her friends. And Allison has been happier in the last year than she ever has been. So I think now, the question is not about the past but rather about the future. Please put Allison back on."
