Chapter 3: the End

huge thanks to toesucker1 for help with beta reading and editing!

Chapter 3: The End

"How many of those have you had?" Allie was standing behind me pointing to the shot in front of me.

"Not very many?" I tried, meekly.

"Give me your keys. You're not driving tonight."

I didn't argue, I gave her my keys. She gave the bar tender an icy glare, "Only water for her." And she stalked off again. I stood stupidly at the bar wondering what was next.

A half an hour later she came back in and slapped a key card down viciously in front of me and left again. I picked it up and looked at the number printed on the envelope: 412. Then I paid my tab and went upstairs.

It was a room with two queen beds in it. Allie had brought all of our luggage back up and she was in one of the beds, head barely visible under the covers. My pajamas were laid out on the other bed, and the blanket turned down. I never wore pajamas actually to bed, they were just for lounging around in. The message was very clear.

---

The drive home the next day was torture. I was supposed to have been working today, but that was the least of my problems. If Allie was going to hate me now, I might as well crawl into a hole and die; no point even living, let alone having a job. I tried talking to her once.

"Allie, please let me explain, that was all before I got to know you. But I love you, please believe me."

"Did you lie to me, Jenny?"

"Well, at first, a little. But not anymore. Not since we became friends."

"I've told you Jenny, I can't tell when people are lying to me. I can't tell if you're lying to me right now. And now, I don't know if anything you ever told me is true."

And that was the end of that conversation. Allie was in charge of the music for all road trips of course, so she pulled out all the most heart rending selections you can possibly think of. One in particular had a line:

... if this is really you, then you're not all that you make yourself out to be.."

I swear she played that song 10 times during the drive home.

And when we got home, she moved out. She didn't move completely out of our house, I think that would have killed me. But she took everything of hers from what had been our shared bedroom and moved into another one.

The next morning coffee was ready and Allie was waiting for me in the kitchen when I came down. She didn't say anything. I wanted to say something, I wanted her to say something, the silence was killing me.

After an excruciating silence that lasted at least a million years, she finally said, "I'm trying to figure out how to tell when you are lying, Jenny."

"Allie, I promise, I will never lie to you again. I'm so sorry I ever did but I had no idea we would end up together, so I thought it didn't matter. Please, I'll never do it again."

"The problem with that methodology, is that the value of your promise is predicated on your integrity. There is no mechanism to prohibit you from lying about whether you are lying. It's the fundamental flaw with self-certification."

----

The next morning, Wednesday, coffee was ready and Allie was waiting for me in the kitchen when I came down. This was killing me. Even though I'd hurt her badly, and she didn't trust me, she still did all the things for me that I loved about her.

"Allie, how can I prove that I really do love you? I'll do anything. OK, you can't believe what I say, I don't blame you for that. But I'll do whatever, can I do something...?"

By now I was on my knees in front of her with my hands on her calves, I didn't dare put them higher. I have no idea how other people who identify as ace approach sex; I personally do not desire it for myself but I want to give it to someone I love. I wanted to give Allie anything, my body, whatever she wanted. I know that the desperate pleading in my eyes and voice made it abundantly clear that I was offering sex, for her forgiveness. It would have worked on anyone else.

"No Jenny, you can't. I don't want to have sex with you unless I already know that you love me. That's the chicken and the egg paradox."

-----

Thursday morning coffee was ready and Allie was waiting for me when I came down to the kitchen. I had nothing else to try.

The following week was excruciating, Allie would barely talk to me. She still made coffee and we sat together, but we didn't talk. One morning as we were sitting there saying nothing, and I was dying, her phone rang.

"Hi Mom," she answered and then listened for a few minutes. "OK," she said, and handed me her phone. Then she walked out of the kitchen.

"Jennifer? This is Courtney, Allison's mother. I want your side of this story, what happened?"

I took a deep breath and told her everything, starting three years ago when we met. I told her how we had competed for two years and Allie apparently had no idea who I was the whole time. I told her how I'd been resentful that Allie is so much better. And most of what I'd said to my friends and family about her. Not everything, that would have taken way too long; but enough so she understood the depths of my deceit. She let me talk.

"All that was horrible, Mrs. Zembrovitch, I know that. But I thought Allie hated me too and I had no idea about her...... peculiarities. I'm sorry, that doesn't make it OK and I know I'm a terrible person. But what I said, the first day we met? It's true now, I love her more than anything. I hate that I did it, and I hate that she found out, but.... well.... it's true."

She sighed. "I've always had my doubts about you Jennifer, and quite frankly the only thing that surprises me is the degree to which you have taken your little "Insidious Plot", as you termed it. I told you, my primary concern is the happiness of my daughter, and I keep a very close watch on her friends. And Allison has been happier in the last year than she ever has been. So I think now, the question is not about the past but rather about the future. Please put Allison back on."

"Yes ma'am," I answered and went to find Allie.

---

That evening I called Tammy. She had never really told me, but I suspected that she also might be 'on the spectrum,' as they say. She and Allie were alike in so many ways. And she was about 10 years older than us, so I trusted her advice. Her interpretation was very much the same as what Allie had told me, there wasn't a damn thing I could do. I was just going to have to wait until Allie worked through the problem for herself and found her own answer. There was some hope in that, at least we weren't done for good. It was just going to be painful for a while. Tammy promised to call Allie and talk to her, I felt that Tammy might be able to understand Allie better than anyone.

---

We didn't practice together anymore now. Allie didn't need any practice, so what I'm really saying is that she didn't help me to practice anymore. She still played by herself, but she played fast - way too fast for me to keep up. It was clear I was not invited to join. So I stayed out of the conservatory while she was playing.

But when she was in her computer room working, I'd get my dobro and practice. I was working on 'Orange Blossom Special.' The old timey, classic version was done with a fiddle, but the more well known version recorded by Johnny Cash has the harmonica playing the part, which has become legendary. I wanted to play that part on the dobro, so I'd found some YouTube videos and bought the tablature for it. It was a struggle. But since I wasn't trying to keep up with Allie, I went slow and struggled through it.

We did still exercise together. Or at least I accompanied her. She didn't really invite me to join her. But if I made a point of announcing when I was working that day, she would arrange to do her workout at a time convenient for me to join. She didn't invite me, but she didn't push me away either. It was something.

Weeks had passed and it was now late January; I was making dinner for us, and she sat at the kitchen table behind me.

"Jenny, I've been considering whether to move back to my apartment. My lease will expire in about three weeks and I need to make a decision whether to renew it."

Oh, fuck. It's all over, she really is moving out - all the way out. I fought back the tears. I'm waiting for the final blow, but she isn't saying anything...... just get it over with.... just kill me and be done with it.......

"What would you like me to do? This is your house Jenny, do you want me to move back to my apartment?"

"No, Allie, please stay! I want you to stay. Remember when we went to Alex and Tammy's wedding and you told me we would be okay as long as we are together? That's what I want. I want us to be together." Maybe the world isn't coming to an end, I hoped.

"I also want to live here with you." She paused thoughtfully for a while, I could feel a 'but' coming on. "I've come to the conclusion that I must be in love with you Jenny, I cannot identify any other explanation. There is no plausible explanation for this desire to stay here, other than that I must be in love with you. OK, I will cancel my lease. We will need to go over and clean it out then."

"Does that mean I can sleep with you again?" I blurted.

"I wouldn't be comfortable with that. I guess I must be in love with you, but I don't think I trust you, Jenny."

I wanted to be ecstatic, she had just told me she loves me. The words I had been waiting 8 months to hear. But she still kept me away, wouldn't let me close to her. It was hard to be ecstatic.

----

We went to Asheville the weekend before her lease expired and cleaned her apartment. Everything she really cared about, we had already moved to our house months ago. What was left we either gave to a thrift store or 'tossed over the side'. That phrase, 'toss it over the side' was some quirk she got from her dad; eventually I figured out that it means throw it in the trash. Cindy and Kevin were there on Saturday to help carry out the stuff we couldn't manage on our own.

Saturday night we had pizza and Redd's, the four of us sitting on the floor like a bunch of kids. When Cindy and Kevin went home, we spread out sleeping bags on the floor and crawled in. I arranged mine as close to hers as I thought I could get away with; she didn't object. At least we were sleeping in the same room tonight.

Sunday morning we cleaned up the trash, wiped everything down one last time, vacuumed the floor, and we were done. I'd adopted her habit of not eating breakfast, but we decided to have brunch before getting underway back to Gatlinburg. As we were waiting for our food; I was chatting about stuff, nothing serious, but things she would normally be interested in talking about. I didn't want to sit there in stony silence even if she was. It wasn't really stony silence though, more thoughtful - she does that a lot.

"Jenny, I talked to Cindy yesterday, they are coming over next weekend," she announced abruptly.

"What? Next weekend?" I squawked.

"Cindy said she thought they should come visit sometime, so I told her to come next weekend. Is there something wrong about that?"

"Not exactly, I just didn't expect that." I was nervous though, I felt like there was something going on I didn't know about. And with the current situation between us, I wasn't thrilled with having her family around for the weekend. But I knew that was my own fault, and the last thing I was going to do is fail to support Allie when her family comes to visit us. I would do it regardless of my discomfort. "It's going to be really nice having them visit, Allie! Do you think that they will want to grill out again? If they do, then I should get some meat for that."

We talked for a few minutes about plans for the next weekend until our food arrived. It felt like she was starting to warm-up towards me. And on the drive back we talked a bit more about the upcoming weekend. It was February, and the weather was too chancy to plan on anything much outdoors. So we thought it would be fun to see some live music, and decided to look at the options when we got home. Since it was a cold, drizzly day, the drive took longer than normal, and it was dark when we finally got home.

Allie went to start up her computer to look at our options.

"Should I get us something to drink? We have wine and Redds," I asked.

"It's kinda chilly tonight, how about something hot. Green tea?" Allie suggested.

"Yeah, I think we have that. I'll brew us some."

We don't drink tea much, so we don't have any fancy tea service. I made it the same way we make iced tea: boiled the water in a pot on the stove, let the teabags steep in that for a bit, then poured it into coffee mugs. I know that kind of behavior would get me shot in a lot of places, but in Tennessee, sinning against tea is not a crime.

I carried the mugs in to where Allie was. I handed her one, and pulled the other chair as close to hers as I could get it. Then I sat down and leaned in close to her. It could be interpreted as just trying to see the screen better, or me trying to lean against her. She didn't pull away. This is progress.

-----

We got Cindy and Kevin settled into the room they always stayed in when they visited us. I still suspected an ulterior motive for the two of them coming, but Allie was excited for them to be here. I wanted to be optimistic, but still I was nervous.

"I really like what the two of you did with this space. You are really turning it into a home together," Cindy just threw that right out.

We were sitting in the conservatory, a space that didn't exist in this house six months ago. This was the room in the house that felt the most like

Us

. We hadn't done much with the rest of the house, beyond standard maintenance stuff. But this room we had really put our time and passion into. Last time Kevin and Cindy had been here, it was a basic drab living room. Now we had books on shelves everywhere (mostly Allie's, but I had added a few to our collection also), our instruments were on their racks, and a cozy little gas fireplace kept the chill off.

"Thanks," I glanced at Allie to see her reaction, but I couldn't tell what she thought about that.

"I haven't heard you two play together since the night Jenny bought her dobro, you two must be getting pretty good together by now."

I looked at Allie sheepishly, I wasn't going to be the one who confessed that we hadn't played together in over a month. Allie's expression was inscrutable, clearly she had no intention of giving it away either and she was so much better than me at masking her thoughts. But I wasn't going to just cave in, so I put on my best unconcerned attitude.

"Oh, nothing special, probably mediocre. Not worth talking about. Allie is really good, I just try to keep up."

But Cindy wasn't giving up easily, "Kevin go bring out your mandolin."

Now I was convinced that their visit hadn't been just the random event they had portrayed it to be. Cindy had Kevin well trained, and soon he was sitting next to Cindy tuning his Mandolin. A moment later he was plucking something I recognized, but didn't know the name to.

"'Soldiers Joy,'" Allie muttered, and went to get her banjo.

One minute later, Allie was tuned up and playing along. "OK. 'Under the Double Eagle' next," she looked pointedly at me, "dobro." And I obeyed.

She very deliberately waited until I was ready and situated before she led us in. I knew she had picked this one because I'd practiced it a lot with her. It's a bluegrass standard, after all, so one of the first ones that anybody would start with.

We were pretty rusty - no, absolutely rubbish. But after we mangled our way though that first one, we started to get it together. Then we did 'Katy Daly'

,

that was merely abysmal. We followed with

Rocky Top

, (a Tennessee classic) and by then we were advanced to horrendous. That made us all feel much better. Allie had picked these because they were the ones we practiced together the most.

"Now I want to pick one that I want to sing," Cindy declared. She looked at Kevin, "The one that goes like....." and she proceeded to sing a few lines.

"'Missing You', Desert Rose Band. Yeah, but Jenny doesn't know that one."

"She can play it!" Allie interjected (rather forcefully, I thought). And considering I had no idea what song they were talking about, I felt it rather presumptuous that Allie would decide for me what I knew how to play.

But then Allie looked at me intensely. "Listen, Jenny. Kevin will play a 4 bar intro, then Cindy will start singing. You come in with Cindy, light touches around the edges. Remember, you are the dobro, you're not carrying the tune, Cindy is. Just listen to what she is doing and add notes around the edges. It's an easy song, you will anticipate the changes; don't think about it, just play. I will come in on the second verse, ignore me. Remember? You're not playing a song, you're playing music. You can do this."

Somehow I believed her. Allie always seemed to have more confidence in me than I did in myself. I had never played with anyone other than Allie before tonight, so I was nervous. But over the last several months, well I guess almost a whole year now, I'd learned to trust her judgment - about some things anyway.

"Ready Kevin?" Allie looked to each of us. "Take it away."

I adapted to Kevin's beat, counted 16 and Cindy started singing. Cindy had such a beautiful voice that I almost forgot to play. I tried to do what Allie had told me, add some notes around the edges like Jerry Douglas. I was focusing on Cindy, trying to stick with her, watch her breathing and see where to drop in a lick or highlight a note or two. Then I realized I did know this song, Allie listened to it all the time. When Allie came in on the second verse, her banjo sounded different, more mellow, subdued, less brassy; she wasn't wearing finger picks. I wasn't sure if I did it right, but when we got to the end of the song Allie was grinning at me.

"OK, your turn to pick one," Allie was looking at me expectantly, I knew what she wanted me to pick.

I wasn't sure I was ready for this. I'd been practicing, but that was alone. This was my first time playing with anyone besides Allie. "I want to try," I took a deep breath, "'Orange Blossom Special.'"

Allie had a huge grin. "Lead us in with a train whistle!"

So I did. I led us in, then Kevin picked up the tune on mandolin for a while. I followed along, letting my nerves settle. Allie was doing a slow eighth note drop thumb rhythm, just keeping the beat.

"Ready for the dobro break?" Kevin called to me.

I nodded. Here we go. I got through, and didn't mess it up too bad, no train wreck (pun intended). Cindy sang the last verse, and Kevin wrapped it up with a flourish.

"You were perfect, Perfect Girlfriend!"

I was beaming. "Thanks Allie." Then she kissed me and I cried.

We played a few more songs together as Cindy sang. We didn't actually sound that bad and I was starting to get the hang of playing with others. Cindy leaned close to Kevin and said something I couldn't hear. Kevin replied quietly back to her.

"OK, another Desert Rose Band," he looked back and forth between me and Allie. "This one has an 8 bar intro. Follow Cindy." Then he said to Allie, "You'll want to frail instead of playing Scruggs Style. We're going to do it in D, do you want a capo?"

Allie had explained capo's to me, so I knew I just needed to shift everything up one full step. Translating the theory to practice would be the trick.

When Cindy sang the first three words I knew that this was 'Undying Love.' Cindy was singing to Kevin, but Allie was looking straight at me while she sang harmony. Allie couldn't sing as well as Cindy, but it didn't matter. She was singing to me. We both had tears in our eyes on the final notes.